How can you tell if an effeminate male child is gay or transsexual? QR.
Some people can actually be both. Otherwise being gay is very different from being transsexual, and vice versa. A gay person is sexually, romantically and emotionally attracted to people of the same gender. A transsexual is a person who mentally and emotionally belongs to one [their true] gender, but who is born with the physical qualities and sexual organs of the other [or "wrong"] gender -- in other words a female born into a male body or vice versa. Transsexuals "transition" into the right sex --- their physical gender matches their mental gender -- through a "sex change," via hormones, therapy and surgery. Transsexuals generally seek counseling to determine if they are truly in a transsexual state and if transitioning will be right for them. While most transsexuals are much happier after the transition, a few feel they would have been happier had they not undergone the process, possibly because those who can not "pass" even after the transition as their true internal sex (for whatever reasons) may face more discrimination and ridicule. As noted, some transsexuals are also gay; many are not.
First of all, speaking of an effeminate boy, one has to define the term "effeminate." Some people foolishly think a boy is effeminate simply because he prefers reading over sports, writes poetry, and has good manners. Sometimes just a lack of an interest in athletics is enough to get a kid branded "effeminate" or a "sissy" -- or gay -- when he's really straight. You can not assume a boy is gay for these reasons because many heterosexual men are more interested in science or the arts than they are in knocking a ball around, and many gay men are very athletic and sports-oriented. To think a boy can't be gay because he likes football and plays it well is ridiculous. This doesn't change the fact that boys who are effeminate in the usual sense of the word -- girlish, epicene, what-have-you -- can certainly be gay. If you suspect your son may be gay, make sure he knows you respect gay people so that he will do the same (and respect himself) and it will be that much easier for him to come out and/or accept himself when the time comes if he is gay.
Often transsexual boys are not "effeminate" but rather feminine, like most girls. They will want to wear girl's clothing (which most gay men do not wish to do), adopt a new female name, talk about how much they wish they didn't have a penis, etc. A transsexual "boy" is crying out to be female and may let his parents know about it whether they want to or not. [Gays also feel a need to "come out" and be themselves, although it may not be as intense, as they do not require physical changes to their bodies or feel they are in the "wrong" ones.] In contrast, gay boys with a leaning towards transvestism/cross-dressing may identify with the female sex and want to dress up as girls as well, but in general will still think of themselves as males and have no desire to lose their penises. [Not to confuse you even further, but men who like to dress up as women can also be heterosexual, and most gay men are not cross-dressers.]
Many transsexuals and some gays recognize the truth about themselves at an early age -- especially these days when there is much more information available on TV and on the Internet. Some need more time to figure out their sexuality than others. If you raise your child in a loving open-minded home where diversity is accepted, chances are they will have a much easier time accepting themselves, whatever they may be, and will be more willing to talk with you about it.
Effeminacy does not always point towards homosexuality (or transsexualism) and many gay boys are not in the least effeminate. Transsexual or transgender boys will more likely exhibit "female" traits. But don't jump to any conclusions. In an environment of tolerance and understanding, boys and girls will have an easier time of determining who and what they are and in accepting and declaring themselves.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
What's Up with Asexuals?
I completely understand the GLBT movement and the need to end discrimination for these sexual minority groups. But some people seem to be adding asexuals to the list of groups. What on earth is that about? Are asexuals really a persecuted minority? What's up with that? Anon.
When it comes to asexual men, there probably isn't much that's up, if you know what I mean. Or at least they don't get up to much that most of us would consider fun. All kidding aside, there are three kinds of asexuals. The first kind [type A] includes people who, for whatever reason, decide to live a life devoid of sexual activity. It's similar to being celibate but asexuals are not priests or people who give up sex for religious or other reasons. Most people are not asexual by choice, of course, and frankly I believe many who call themselves asexual make that decision at a point in their lives when it's difficult if not impossible for them to find sex partners. Declaring themselves "asexual" is their way of dealing with the problem. That begs the question: Does a true type A asexual eschew masturbation as well as sex with other people?
The second kind [type B] of asexual would be better described as gender-free, someone who does not identity as male or female or who rejects all gender classification. This is quite different from someone who swears off sex. We often use the term asexual to describe those androgynous individuals who lack distinctive masculine or feminine qualities, people who -- like "Pat" on Saturday Night Live -- seem neither male nor female. Not only are we unable tell what sex they are, but sometimes they can't tell as well (sometimes they are simply confused transsexuals). These people can identify as either gay, straight, bi or transgender.
The third type of asexual [type C] is someone who simply has no sexual attraction for anyone, male or female. Some asexual activists -- yes, we even have those -- claim that asexuality is an orientation, but I completely reject this notion. It is not normal or healthy to have no sexual feelings and it does these unfortunate individuals a disservice to claim that it is. Many people are asexual because of conflicted sexual feelings or depression or both. Asexuality is a medical condition that should be treated.
NOTE: Yes, I'm perfectly aware that homosexuality was once thought of as an abnormal medical and psychiatric condition, but lacking all sexual feelings is something entirely different. Gay is Good. What's good about being asexual? In these "progressive" days everyone wants to jump on the GLBT bus but some passengers are headed in the wrong direction.
I'll leave the whole gender-free business for another post. As for people in the first group who lead an asexual lifestyle, as far as I'm concerned, it is ludicrous to think of them as a minority group like homosexuals or lesbians. These are people who make a choice to strip their lives of sexuality -- or to deal with their sexless lives by declaring themselves asexual -- and that's their own business. As for people in the third group, I do not see their struggle as being similar to that of gays and lesbians, sorry. I for one will never get on the band wagon for asexuality, as it is a "lifestyle" that eliminates one of life's greatest pleasures and consolations. Goodness knows, today's overly politically correct activists, in a well-intentioned but often misguided attempt to include everyone who may be oppressed, often add or want to add all sorts of groups to GLBT, but somehow I can't see A for Asexual being added to the list by the more sensible among them.
UPDATE: I've been told in no uncertain terms that many people -- especially those who identify as Type C asexual -- vehemently disagree with me on the issue of asexuality as an orientation vs. disability. Additionally some GLBTers disagree with me that asexuals are not a sexual minority -- also vehemently. At a future date this issue may be revisited -- but for now I'm worn out.
When it comes to asexual men, there probably isn't much that's up, if you know what I mean. Or at least they don't get up to much that most of us would consider fun. All kidding aside, there are three kinds of asexuals. The first kind [type A] includes people who, for whatever reason, decide to live a life devoid of sexual activity. It's similar to being celibate but asexuals are not priests or people who give up sex for religious or other reasons. Most people are not asexual by choice, of course, and frankly I believe many who call themselves asexual make that decision at a point in their lives when it's difficult if not impossible for them to find sex partners. Declaring themselves "asexual" is their way of dealing with the problem. That begs the question: Does a true type A asexual eschew masturbation as well as sex with other people?
The second kind [type B] of asexual would be better described as gender-free, someone who does not identity as male or female or who rejects all gender classification. This is quite different from someone who swears off sex. We often use the term asexual to describe those androgynous individuals who lack distinctive masculine or feminine qualities, people who -- like "Pat" on Saturday Night Live -- seem neither male nor female. Not only are we unable tell what sex they are, but sometimes they can't tell as well (sometimes they are simply confused transsexuals). These people can identify as either gay, straight, bi or transgender.
The third type of asexual [type C] is someone who simply has no sexual attraction for anyone, male or female. Some asexual activists -- yes, we even have those -- claim that asexuality is an orientation, but I completely reject this notion. It is not normal or healthy to have no sexual feelings and it does these unfortunate individuals a disservice to claim that it is. Many people are asexual because of conflicted sexual feelings or depression or both. Asexuality is a medical condition that should be treated.
NOTE: Yes, I'm perfectly aware that homosexuality was once thought of as an abnormal medical and psychiatric condition, but lacking all sexual feelings is something entirely different. Gay is Good. What's good about being asexual? In these "progressive" days everyone wants to jump on the GLBT bus but some passengers are headed in the wrong direction.
I'll leave the whole gender-free business for another post. As for people in the first group who lead an asexual lifestyle, as far as I'm concerned, it is ludicrous to think of them as a minority group like homosexuals or lesbians. These are people who make a choice to strip their lives of sexuality -- or to deal with their sexless lives by declaring themselves asexual -- and that's their own business. As for people in the third group, I do not see their struggle as being similar to that of gays and lesbians, sorry. I for one will never get on the band wagon for asexuality, as it is a "lifestyle" that eliminates one of life's greatest pleasures and consolations. Goodness knows, today's overly politically correct activists, in a well-intentioned but often misguided attempt to include everyone who may be oppressed, often add or want to add all sorts of groups to GLBT, but somehow I can't see A for Asexual being added to the list by the more sensible among them.
UPDATE: I've been told in no uncertain terms that many people -- especially those who identify as Type C asexual -- vehemently disagree with me on the issue of asexuality as an orientation vs. disability. Additionally some GLBTers disagree with me that asexuals are not a sexual minority -- also vehemently. At a future date this issue may be revisited -- but for now I'm worn out.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Somebody Wants His Boyfriend
I recently moved in with a man I've been dating for several months. We've made a commitment to each other. Everything is going great but there is one problem -- his best friend. "Joe" is also gay and they've known each other for years. I have always had the feeling that Joe is secretly in love with my lover and pretty much hates me because of it. My lover can't seem to see that Joe's comments to me aren't meant to be funny but are actually bitchy. He poo poohs any suggestion that Joe has romantic feelings for him. I'm just afraid that Joe would do anything he could to tear us apart, even though my lover has only platonic feelings for him. My question: should I confront Joe about this or would it only make things worse? JB.
That could go either way. Remember first of all that if it's true that your lover only sees Joe as a friend, there isn't that much he could do to break the two of you up. Now if you suspect that he's surreptitiously trying to undermine the relationship by telling lies about you to your lover, then you might have to confront him about that. While this may be the last thing you are feeling, try using compassion over anger -- at least at first. if Joe is suffering unrequited love for your guy, and has been feeling this way for years, you can imagine how painful it is for him, and how much worse it got when the man he adores fell in love with someone else. That may be why he lashes out in "bitchy" fashion (not that that excuses him). Have a compassionate, friendly talk with him, don't put him on the defensive, tell him that you sympathize but that he needs to accept that your lover has somebody in his life now. He may deny everything -- a typical reaction and an attempt to save face -- but at least your message may get across to him. Make it clear that you'd like for the two of you to be friends. He may take the hint or he may need to absent himself from your lives because being on the outside looking in may simply be too painful for him.
In the meantime, for heaven's sake introduce the guy to as many hot friends as you've got so that maybe he'll fall desperately in love with somebody else.
That could go either way. Remember first of all that if it's true that your lover only sees Joe as a friend, there isn't that much he could do to break the two of you up. Now if you suspect that he's surreptitiously trying to undermine the relationship by telling lies about you to your lover, then you might have to confront him about that. While this may be the last thing you are feeling, try using compassion over anger -- at least at first. if Joe is suffering unrequited love for your guy, and has been feeling this way for years, you can imagine how painful it is for him, and how much worse it got when the man he adores fell in love with someone else. That may be why he lashes out in "bitchy" fashion (not that that excuses him). Have a compassionate, friendly talk with him, don't put him on the defensive, tell him that you sympathize but that he needs to accept that your lover has somebody in his life now. He may deny everything -- a typical reaction and an attempt to save face -- but at least your message may get across to him. Make it clear that you'd like for the two of you to be friends. He may take the hint or he may need to absent himself from your lives because being on the outside looking in may simply be too painful for him.
In the meantime, for heaven's sake introduce the guy to as many hot friends as you've got so that maybe he'll fall desperately in love with somebody else.
FREEDOM TO MARRY WEEK
February 8th to 14th is Freedom to Marry Week. As others have already stated, marriage equality is not just about marriage but about equality. If one truly believes that gays are equal to straights, and that same-sex relationships are equal to heterosexual relationships, then there is no good or sane reason not to support marriage equality for gay couples.
For more information, click on this link:
This is also a good time to remind everyone of an excellent documentary on gay marriage by Stephanie Higgins entitled The Gay Marriage Thing. For more information on this film click here.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
My Background
Who the hell are you to tell people what they shouldn't or shouldn't do, what's properly gay or isn't? I mean, what makes your opinion more valid than any others? Just who the hell are you anyway? Anon.
Well sometime after I got your email I was asked a similar question about my background and what makes me an expert, only much more politely. But where the hell is your anger coming from?
To answer your question:
1.) I was a phone counselor way back for the Mattachine Society in its last years, talking to and helping people who had issues with and questions about their sexuality. I was very, very young, but I learned fast.
2.) I was Chairman of the Media Committee of New York's Gay Activists Alliance, the country's first militant Gay Rights group, for many years, dealing with the media (publications, films, television), monitoring how the gay image was portrayed, sending out press releases underlining our objections to, say, a certain film, organizing protests, meeting with producers and the like. Similar to what GLAAD (The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) does today.
3.) Co-host and co-producer of Gay Rap on WBAI radio some years ago.
4.) Writer/Reporter for many gay publications including The New York Blade, Philadelphia Gay News, and The Alternate. I have written about gay issues for decades, and interviewed hundreds of gay men, formally and informally, on a variety of subjects.
5.) Lived life as an Out and Proud Gay Man for many, many years. Hopefully I've gained some wisdom along with experience.
Thanks for asking, bubbalah!
Well sometime after I got your email I was asked a similar question about my background and what makes me an expert, only much more politely. But where the hell is your anger coming from?
To answer your question:
1.) I was a phone counselor way back for the Mattachine Society in its last years, talking to and helping people who had issues with and questions about their sexuality. I was very, very young, but I learned fast.
2.) I was Chairman of the Media Committee of New York's Gay Activists Alliance, the country's first militant Gay Rights group, for many years, dealing with the media (publications, films, television), monitoring how the gay image was portrayed, sending out press releases underlining our objections to, say, a certain film, organizing protests, meeting with producers and the like. Similar to what GLAAD (The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) does today.
3.) Co-host and co-producer of Gay Rap on WBAI radio some years ago.
4.) Writer/Reporter for many gay publications including The New York Blade, Philadelphia Gay News, and The Alternate. I have written about gay issues for decades, and interviewed hundreds of gay men, formally and informally, on a variety of subjects.
5.) Lived life as an Out and Proud Gay Man for many, many years. Hopefully I've gained some wisdom along with experience.
Thanks for asking, bubbalah!
Sunday, February 1, 2009
The Invisible Minority
Recently out gay guy here. I don't know why this freaks me out so much, but I've been thinking lately that it's mostly just impossible to figure out who's gay unless they tell you. I mean, aside from very stereotypical gay men. Every time I look at a guy, I wonder about him. I mean, not just co-workers and people at the store, but relatives, friends, even married guys with kids as you've mentioned. Anybody can be gay. Maybe someone more experienced like you can tell, but how can I tell who's gay? It's like we're invisible or something. J.H.
And that's the part that probably "freaks you out." Yes, until everyone feels free enough to come out of the closet, we are largely an invisible community -- except in certain urban areas, during Gay pride marches and festivals, at GLBT centers, and so on. What makes it even more confusing is that sometimes men who seem gay aren't. Or at least don't identify as such. [Adding to the confusion, of course, is the number of homosexuals who are not only in the closet, but are in serious denial as to their sexual orientation.]
It's possible that as a "more experienced" person I can sometimes pick out who's gay easier than somebody else, but it's never been an exact science. Like you said, aside from the cases when someone is very flamboyant and obvious, or totally out of the closet, it can be difficult to tell. Sometimes there are some subtle, almost indefinable giveaways. In my younger days I could often tell a guy was gay because I could see that he was checking me out. It still happens even today from time to time, thank goodness! There's just a certain way a man will look at another man if he's into guys ...
It helps to find out who's gay if you're out of the closet yourself. If another person, say a co-worker, is gay they'll be much more likely to come out to you if they know you're gay too and won't judge them.
But this very "invisibility" you mention is a troubling aspect of our very diverse community. Most gays men and lesbians do not conform to stereotypes. All we can hope for is that more and more people will feel comfortable coming out of the closet. The more people who do, the more comfortable the world at large will become with us. And that can only work in our favor.
And that's the part that probably "freaks you out." Yes, until everyone feels free enough to come out of the closet, we are largely an invisible community -- except in certain urban areas, during Gay pride marches and festivals, at GLBT centers, and so on. What makes it even more confusing is that sometimes men who seem gay aren't. Or at least don't identify as such. [Adding to the confusion, of course, is the number of homosexuals who are not only in the closet, but are in serious denial as to their sexual orientation.]
It's possible that as a "more experienced" person I can sometimes pick out who's gay easier than somebody else, but it's never been an exact science. Like you said, aside from the cases when someone is very flamboyant and obvious, or totally out of the closet, it can be difficult to tell. Sometimes there are some subtle, almost indefinable giveaways. In my younger days I could often tell a guy was gay because I could see that he was checking me out. It still happens even today from time to time, thank goodness! There's just a certain way a man will look at another man if he's into guys ...
It helps to find out who's gay if you're out of the closet yourself. If another person, say a co-worker, is gay they'll be much more likely to come out to you if they know you're gay too and won't judge them.
But this very "invisibility" you mention is a troubling aspect of our very diverse community. Most gays men and lesbians do not conform to stereotypes. All we can hope for is that more and more people will feel comfortable coming out of the closet. The more people who do, the more comfortable the world at large will become with us. And that can only work in our favor.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
A Mass of Stupidities
I'll get back to answering questions very soon, but for my first post of 2009 I have to get a few things off my chest.
I started this blog because I was tired of reading all of the incredibly stupid things being said about the gay community by gays and straights alike.
Just a couple of nights ago I was flabbergasted when a patron at my local watering hole said that there was no homophobia. What? I told him he was completely out of it, mentioned the fight against marriage equality by the religious right (and others), anti-gay groups such as Focus on the Family (which has millions of dollars to spend on their homophobic campaigns), and groups like Exodus, which claim you can "pray away the gay." There are still 31 states in the U.S. where you can get fired merely for being gay. And countries where homosexuals are routinely put to death. Now. In the 21st century. Yes.
There are far too many gay people who remain blissfully unaware of what is going on in their own community and the dangers we still face, not to mention the amount of shame and internalized homophobia that stills exists in the homosexual [as opposed to the Out and Proud Gay] community. We can talk all we want about increased tolerance and acceptance (maybe), but that's not the same thing as being considered equal.
Recently I came across two message boards devoted to physical fitness, one gay, one straight. Ironically, the threads I came across had to do with the same subject (which I've covered more than once): straight guys working in gay bars.
On the gay message board a guy was understandably complaining because he thought a straight co-worker at the bar was doing his best to steal business -- and therefore tips-- away from him.
On the straight message board somebody asked other straight men if they would ever consider working in a gay bar.
The interesting thing is that on both threads some of the same old crap about gays, straight men, sexual identification, and so on was brought up for the umpteenth time. For instance:
* the moronic business about gay men allegedly being better tippers than straight. How did this ever get started? On the straight message board one guy insisted that gay men tip better because we're all rich -- he referred to antique dealers (one step above hairdressers, I guess) and the like. But some of the posters on the gay message board seemed to believe this shit too. There may be some gay men who tip a hot bartender a ridiculous amount of money the way some straight guys might over-tip a hot woman behind the bar, but most of us just tip what we feel is fair and can afford -- like most straight guys. I have never left a huge tip just because I thought the bartender was hot. I have observed the tipping habits of men in both straight and gay bars and have never seen any real difference, believe me.
*Then there's this nonsense about gay men all having a "thing" for straight guys. Well maybe if they're self-hating homos. Most out and proud gay men today know that the gay community is very diverse, and you can find just about anything you want -- including super-butch guys -- without having to pursue straight men. How pre-Stonewall can you get! Yet some of the guys on the gay message board forwarded this theory just like the straight guys did on the other message board. No wonder straight guys just don't get it. They pick up a lot of crap from gay acquaintances. (Or worse, episodes of Will and Grace).
[Of course we're dealing in both cases with jocks and physical fitness nuts -- not exactly intellectuals, although there are exceptions.] Most of these guys also seemed rather young, and therefore not as wise or experienced as older men, although I've also encountered many middle-aged morons. In fact the guy who made the comment about "no homophobia" was actually a senior citizen!
I also thought it amazing that the gay guys seemed completely unaware of the difference between sexual identity and sexual orientation, the fact that many men engage in gay sex and yet don't think of themselves as gay. Make no mistake that this on occasion applies to "straight" bartenders in gay bars. One gay poster even insisted that a certain bartender was certainly straight because he had a wife and kids. Jeez, over the years I've been hit on both off and on line by dozens of guys with wives and children!
Some of the gay jocks seemed okay with the idea of straight guys working in gay bars, suggesting (without necessarily using the term) that it was heterophobic to object to their employment. I wonder what they would think if they read the thread in the straight jock web site. While some of the responses were completely homophobic -- suggesting that a straight bartender would be assaulted in the men's' room, or grossed out by guys' kissing and having to watch "perversion" -- even the ones who said they'd consider working in a gay bar (or had already done so) creeped me out a bit. None of them seemed to really give a shit about gay people; it was all about them. One wrote: "Being around gay people makes me feel better about myself (superiority complex or some shit)" -- so he'd be willing to work in a gay bar.
[Say, isn't this just what we gay guys need, straight (or straight-identified) bartenders who feel superior to us! Or ones who are convinced that they'll get great tips because (they think) they're so damn hot. And, unfortunately, I've met more than a couple of bartenders like these. Guys who don't give a damn about the gay community yet are more than happy to take our hard-earned money.
But all this is just the frozen tip of the iceberg of imbecility that seems to emerge from people of all sexual orientations when they write about the gay community.
So Dr. Bill is going to continue his mission of educating both gays and straights and cutting through the bullshit -- and there is a lot of it out there. Way too much. This blog may soon be undergoing a name change -- a full explanation is forthcoming.
Until then: Stay out of trouble and have hot safe sex!
I started this blog because I was tired of reading all of the incredibly stupid things being said about the gay community by gays and straights alike.
Just a couple of nights ago I was flabbergasted when a patron at my local watering hole said that there was no homophobia. What? I told him he was completely out of it, mentioned the fight against marriage equality by the religious right (and others), anti-gay groups such as Focus on the Family (which has millions of dollars to spend on their homophobic campaigns), and groups like Exodus, which claim you can "pray away the gay." There are still 31 states in the U.S. where you can get fired merely for being gay. And countries where homosexuals are routinely put to death. Now. In the 21st century. Yes.
There are far too many gay people who remain blissfully unaware of what is going on in their own community and the dangers we still face, not to mention the amount of shame and internalized homophobia that stills exists in the homosexual [as opposed to the Out and Proud Gay] community. We can talk all we want about increased tolerance and acceptance (maybe), but that's not the same thing as being considered equal.
Recently I came across two message boards devoted to physical fitness, one gay, one straight. Ironically, the threads I came across had to do with the same subject (which I've covered more than once): straight guys working in gay bars.
On the gay message board a guy was understandably complaining because he thought a straight co-worker at the bar was doing his best to steal business -- and therefore tips-- away from him.
On the straight message board somebody asked other straight men if they would ever consider working in a gay bar.
The interesting thing is that on both threads some of the same old crap about gays, straight men, sexual identification, and so on was brought up for the umpteenth time. For instance:
* the moronic business about gay men allegedly being better tippers than straight. How did this ever get started? On the straight message board one guy insisted that gay men tip better because we're all rich -- he referred to antique dealers (one step above hairdressers, I guess) and the like. But some of the posters on the gay message board seemed to believe this shit too. There may be some gay men who tip a hot bartender a ridiculous amount of money the way some straight guys might over-tip a hot woman behind the bar, but most of us just tip what we feel is fair and can afford -- like most straight guys. I have never left a huge tip just because I thought the bartender was hot. I have observed the tipping habits of men in both straight and gay bars and have never seen any real difference, believe me.
*Then there's this nonsense about gay men all having a "thing" for straight guys. Well maybe if they're self-hating homos. Most out and proud gay men today know that the gay community is very diverse, and you can find just about anything you want -- including super-butch guys -- without having to pursue straight men. How pre-Stonewall can you get! Yet some of the guys on the gay message board forwarded this theory just like the straight guys did on the other message board. No wonder straight guys just don't get it. They pick up a lot of crap from gay acquaintances. (Or worse, episodes of Will and Grace).
[Of course we're dealing in both cases with jocks and physical fitness nuts -- not exactly intellectuals, although there are exceptions.] Most of these guys also seemed rather young, and therefore not as wise or experienced as older men, although I've also encountered many middle-aged morons. In fact the guy who made the comment about "no homophobia" was actually a senior citizen!
I also thought it amazing that the gay guys seemed completely unaware of the difference between sexual identity and sexual orientation, the fact that many men engage in gay sex and yet don't think of themselves as gay. Make no mistake that this on occasion applies to "straight" bartenders in gay bars. One gay poster even insisted that a certain bartender was certainly straight because he had a wife and kids. Jeez, over the years I've been hit on both off and on line by dozens of guys with wives and children!
Some of the gay jocks seemed okay with the idea of straight guys working in gay bars, suggesting (without necessarily using the term) that it was heterophobic to object to their employment. I wonder what they would think if they read the thread in the straight jock web site. While some of the responses were completely homophobic -- suggesting that a straight bartender would be assaulted in the men's' room, or grossed out by guys' kissing and having to watch "perversion" -- even the ones who said they'd consider working in a gay bar (or had already done so) creeped me out a bit. None of them seemed to really give a shit about gay people; it was all about them. One wrote: "Being around gay people makes me feel better about myself (superiority complex or some shit)" -- so he'd be willing to work in a gay bar.
[Say, isn't this just what we gay guys need, straight (or straight-identified) bartenders who feel superior to us! Or ones who are convinced that they'll get great tips because (they think) they're so damn hot. And, unfortunately, I've met more than a couple of bartenders like these. Guys who don't give a damn about the gay community yet are more than happy to take our hard-earned money.
But all this is just the frozen tip of the iceberg of imbecility that seems to emerge from people of all sexual orientations when they write about the gay community.
So Dr. Bill is going to continue his mission of educating both gays and straights and cutting through the bullshit -- and there is a lot of it out there. Way too much. This blog may soon be undergoing a name change -- a full explanation is forthcoming.
Until then: Stay out of trouble and have hot safe sex!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
HAPPY HOLIDAYS
I'm traveling for the Holidays, and finishing up a new book project as well. Busy, busy, busy. Hope to get back to a regular schedule for Gay Dr. Bill in the new year, if not before. In the meantime, feel free to send me your questions, and I'll try and answer the ones that have piled up before too much time has gone by. Best, Doc Bill.
Gay Now, Straight Later?
Is it true that a man or woman could have homosexual relations earlier in life but then become completely straight later on? Anon.
No. What is more likely is that the individual can't deal with his or her homosexual feelings and goes into the closet. They may lead a heterosexual life including marriage (to a member of the opposite sex) and children, but homosexuality is not a phase or something that just goes away. It is often said that youth is a time of experimentation, and that a person may fool around with members of their own sex before realizing they prefer the opposite sex. The trouble with this theory in almost all cases is that there is no corresponding push for people to engage in homosexual relationships the way there is with heterosexual relationships; as well, people tend to repress their homosexual tendencies, not the other way around. It's more likely that as the individual gets older they worry more about society's, as well as their friends and family's, reaction to their sexual orientation -- many people have a more devil-may-care attitude toward their sexuality (and everything else) in their youth that fades away as they face the reality of what openly facing the world as a gay person might mean. Even today there are people who are closeted and/or in denial in regards to their sexuality, people who strongly desire (and may regularly seek out) members of their own sex but who insist to themselves and others that they are straight.
The key is not to "reassure" these people that they are straight but to convince them through counseling that "gay is good" and they, too, can lead happy, healthy lives of self-acceptance along with those of us who are Out and Proud.
No. What is more likely is that the individual can't deal with his or her homosexual feelings and goes into the closet. They may lead a heterosexual life including marriage (to a member of the opposite sex) and children, but homosexuality is not a phase or something that just goes away. It is often said that youth is a time of experimentation, and that a person may fool around with members of their own sex before realizing they prefer the opposite sex. The trouble with this theory in almost all cases is that there is no corresponding push for people to engage in homosexual relationships the way there is with heterosexual relationships; as well, people tend to repress their homosexual tendencies, not the other way around. It's more likely that as the individual gets older they worry more about society's, as well as their friends and family's, reaction to their sexual orientation -- many people have a more devil-may-care attitude toward their sexuality (and everything else) in their youth that fades away as they face the reality of what openly facing the world as a gay person might mean. Even today there are people who are closeted and/or in denial in regards to their sexuality, people who strongly desire (and may regularly seek out) members of their own sex but who insist to themselves and others that they are straight.
The key is not to "reassure" these people that they are straight but to convince them through counseling that "gay is good" and they, too, can lead happy, healthy lives of self-acceptance along with those of us who are Out and Proud.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Butch and Femme: The Facts
Are masculine gay men always tops and effeminate gay men always bottoms? Also are masculine gay men more likely to be married to women and/or bisexual? Anon.
The fact is that whether or not a gay man is stereotypical in his comportment usually provides little clue to his sexual behavior or even his private life or level of "outness." There are very masculine men who are strictly bottoms, and effeminate men who are strictly tops. There are even married [to women] homosexual men who seem obviously gay to everyone else.
I have met men who identify as bisexual and date/sleep with women as well as men and who are quite effeminate, and have also known many men who are very masculine and who are strictly and totally gay.
There is also an erroneous feeling among some people that stereotypical gay men are more likely to be out of the closet, and vice versa. Effeminate gay men may not be able to "pass" (and if they try to may elicit snickers), but I have met some who are completely in the closet. I also know many masculine gay men who are totally out of the closet.
People love to put everyone in neat little categories but it just doesn't work with gay men (or lesbians) anymore than it does with straight men and women. One simply can't and shouldn't come to easy conclusions about people even if it's tempting to do so.
As I've said many times, the gay community is incredibly diverse and everyone is an individual with individual tastes, attitudes, personal feelings towards themselves and their sexuality, and so on.
Viva la difference.
The fact is that whether or not a gay man is stereotypical in his comportment usually provides little clue to his sexual behavior or even his private life or level of "outness." There are very masculine men who are strictly bottoms, and effeminate men who are strictly tops. There are even married [to women] homosexual men who seem obviously gay to everyone else.
I have met men who identify as bisexual and date/sleep with women as well as men and who are quite effeminate, and have also known many men who are very masculine and who are strictly and totally gay.
There is also an erroneous feeling among some people that stereotypical gay men are more likely to be out of the closet, and vice versa. Effeminate gay men may not be able to "pass" (and if they try to may elicit snickers), but I have met some who are completely in the closet. I also know many masculine gay men who are totally out of the closet.
People love to put everyone in neat little categories but it just doesn't work with gay men (or lesbians) anymore than it does with straight men and women. One simply can't and shouldn't come to easy conclusions about people even if it's tempting to do so.
As I've said many times, the gay community is incredibly diverse and everyone is an individual with individual tastes, attitudes, personal feelings towards themselves and their sexuality, and so on.
Viva la difference.
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