Gay Fiance?

I am a single mother of two have always been nervous to bring any man around my children. When I finally let my now fiancé into our lives he is great with my kids; so good to me. I have noticed him make comments here and there about... one time he got some nudie pictures over a text of a man who "supposedly" thought he was sending pictures to a woman he met at a club. She must have given him a wrong number my guy replied. I can believe that b/c I have given a persistent annoying man a fake number when I was a teen because he just wouldn't stop bothering me.

Anyway.. my bf (at the time) said he thought it would be funny to mess w/ him & send him a picture of his "below" & ask if male sender was interested in some "di*k".... sending as in a joking matter but to come across as real. My fiance also said he got a little graphic with his wording.

Another red flag; some of his coworkers from construction jobs call each other baby or princess but mostly baby. He said they just like to mess around w/ each other calling each other "winey" but when he talks to them on the phone his ending notes are usually alright baby or hey baby.

If you can help me I would be so grateful. I really care for my fiance & my kids adore him. He just asked for my hand a couple weeks ago but if he is into men I would rather just be close friends like family in a way because I don't want my kids to be hurt from any of this if he is into men;. Plus I do deserve to protect myself & my children's feelings. I am a open minded personality, never judgemental & very excepting but I don't know the questions to ask to get a answer w/o making him nervous or upset.

I did confront him before & his reaction is to laugh it off but in a awkward way & with answering no babe I'm not gay. What are good questions to ask; do you think he could be into men? How can I go about this? I would support him no matter what he is but I don't want to start my life w/ him based on a lie.

Thank you for your time & help Dr. Bill

Let's look at why you think your fiancé might be gay. First we've got the business of him calling other guys baby, but that's hardly what I call a red flag. Lots of guys do that. [I call everybody baby but that's another story.] I'm talking about straight guys. "Hey, baby" is just an expression, and I wouldn't think it relates to sexual orientation at all.

Now we got the business with his receiving nude pictures of a man. It could have been an accident. His sending a photo of his penis to this guy is a little "out there," but it could be that your fiancé has a weird sense of humor. It's probably not the brightest thing he ever did.

I suggest reading my post "Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay" if you haven't already. Sometime the best way to lead into a discussion of sexual orientation is to start with current events, such as the debate over gay marriage. Ask him if he's for or against, then you can delve into things more deeply as the conversation progresses.

Bi Boyfriend -- or Gay?

Hi "Dr." Bill,

 

I have a slightly different version of the "Is My Boyfriend Gay/Bi" question. I thought my friend X was gay because a mutual friend of ours told me he was. My friend also said that X identified as bisexual, but he didn't believe he was really interested in women. Anyway, I thought X was gay until we kissed one night and he started asking me out. Long story short--we've been dating for a few months, and let's just say that if X doesn't like women, he does a screamingly good job of faking it (hope that's not TMI).

 

My problem is I feel like X is trying to hide things from me. He gets really cagey when talking about certain male friends, and he recently went on a 5 day trip to visit an old friend who is openly gay. X can talk for an hour straight about what he had for dinner last night, but when I ask him about his trip, he clams up.

 

What I want to do is look X in the eye and say, "Are you bi? Because you wouldn't be the first bisexual guy I've dated, and to be honest, I think man love is hot. Now we're still in the early stages of this relationship where this could go anywhere. We could be exclusive, we could have an open relationship, you could have protected sex with guys and come home to me and describe it in filthy detail...the possibilities are endless. What I'm NOT open to is being with someone who hides a big part of their identity, or someone who acts like he wants monogamy when he really doesn't."

 

I really care about X and I want him in my life. Whether we work best as friends, partners, fwb, or other remains to be seen. But I can't get too far with any if these if I feel like he's hiding things from me.

 

...Help? 

Frankly, it sounds to me like this guy is one of these "bisexuals" who is basically gay but too ashamed to do much more than screw men on the sly while having a girlfriend to show to the world. These guys usually tell the men they get involved with that they like women, but rarely tell the women they are involved with that they like guys. [And gay men are perfectly capable of being good in bed with women; it's just not their preference.]I suggest you say to X exactly what you say in your question, if you haven't already.

But I have two thoughts [and keep in mind that I've been accused of being politically incorrect when it comes to the subject of bisexuality.] Bisexual men tend to be homosexual men who are ashamed of being gay and need women to a) make themselves feel more macho [along the lines of "real men fuck women"] and b) to provide a heterosexual front for themselves. Why give yourself this hassle? While it's great that you, as you say, find man-sex sexy and all that, why take a chance that your "bi" boyfriend will come to accept he's gay and/or develop romantic feelings for one of his playmates [whether he's gay or bi].

Lastly, I also have to say that there are a lot more straight men than gay men in the world, so why not leave the gay/bi guys alone for other men, LOL?

Best, Bill

Boyfriend and Transgender Incident

Hey,

So I've recently been dating a guy for a couple of months. We were drinking and then he had a freak episode (hyperventilating, trying to hit himself) and then the next morning I made it clear that I needed to understand why he acted like that. He finally confided in me (he actually started hyperventilating when he was trying to tell me and he ended up having to txt me what happened) about paying for sex when he was drunk with a transgender (pre-op) when he was 19, he's 22 now. He ended up spending a year depressed and went to counseling and felt suicidal and ended up going to brothels when he was drunk as a way of confirming that he didn't like guys. He said that he got his confidence back and stopped going to brothels and ended up doing the whole teenage thing of getting drunk and going clubbing and when he got lucky slept with random girls. He's never acted in a way that showed he was attracted to guys at all. He's always checking girls out, we have a healthy sex life, he's very touchy-feely with me. he's always complimenting me etc. After he confided in me I asked him if he was possibly in the closet and he got mad that I would ever even ask him that, but I was confused as to why he had sex with a transgender so I thought it was fair to ask. He looks and feels ashamed of it, What would be your opinion ? Was it a drunken mistake or was there a reason behind it?

Thanks

I assume that when your boyfriend paid for sex with the Trans Woman he knew what he was dealing with despite his being drunk? [To make it clear a Trans Woman is a woman but a pre-operative Trans Woman still has a penis and appears masculine in other ways despite the feminine/drag trappings.]

There are conflicted homosexual men who have their first experiences either with drag queens [gay men who are also transvestites] or with pre-op Trans women. This is their way of having sex with men while "pretending" to be with a woman, or telling themselves that the Trans woman is essentially female despite the biology. If your boyfriend has negative attitudes towards homosexuality for any reason, comes from a repressive, intolerant background, he may do anything not to feel that he is gay.

Naturally I can't possibly be certain of this guy's sexuality, except to say that most gay men are not obvious, that many are perfectly capable of having sex with women [for whatever reason], and that often there are no red flags. I would be less than honest if I didn't tell you that men who are genuinely and thoroughly heterosexual don't need to sleep with women or go to brothels to prove to themselves that they are straight; they just know they are. If this incident was just a drunken mistake, I don't think your boyfriend would find it such a big deal.

You might find this post helpful.

Boyfriend with Gay Issues

I stumbled upon your blog in searching for answers. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. He is what you would call a "mans man" and he works out all the time and has a pretty good body. Well everything started when I was on his computer (early early in the relationship) and I was looking on Craigslist and all these m4m searches popped up....naturally I asked. Even was like I won't judge you etc....just told me he didn't know about it and his email was hacked. I'm not an idiot or technologically retarded. .. well I found other stuff that shows he's been on Craigslist while in our relationship looking for men.... I don't think he has cheated on me yet. I don't know if this is weird or what but I would be okay with him being with guys on he side as long as it didn't affect our relationship and I don't think it would be an all the time thing. I want to confront him about this stuff and not in an accusatory way but I'm not even sure how to start it. I think he's embarrassed of it and hasn't admitted it to himself that he might be bi. A big red flag is he bashes gays all the time. I want to marry this guy and maybe I'm crazy thinking it could work. But I also stumbled upon a forum asking women if they would let their husband have dick on the side or join in and I have got to say I agree with it and I want him to be able t tell me the truth. What I am thinking of doing is showing him the website and simply say I am in agreement with this I wasn't born yesterday and I know your computer or email account didn't get hacked. What is the best way to approach this touchy subject with him?
Supportive gf 

First I have to say that you're much too blase about his interest in men. I think women who "let men have dick on the side" are being unrealistic and asking for trouble -- being unfair to themselves and to their husbands/boyfriends, especially when you consider that most "bisexual" men are homosexuals who go with women because they're ashamed of being gay. How could his going with guys not affect your relationship? You're absolutely right that gay-bashing is a Big Red Flag. This guy has serious issues with his sexuality, and is probably a homosexual man who, at this point in his life, doesn't want to be gay. I'm not always "politically correct" on the subject, but in my educated opinion, the whole bisexual thing has been overblown.

I suggest you start a conversation on homosexuality/bisexuality [he may be more comfortable at first talking about the latter] by discussing gay marriage and his opinion of it; talking about a gay friend; saying you have a woman friend whose husband likes men, etc. Anything to get the ball rolling. Be non-judgmental and non-accusatory. If he admits he is attracted to men -- although he probably won't -- suggest he get counseling or therapy from a sympathetic professional so he can finally come to accept himself.  Of course, that may well mean the end of your relationship.

Unfortunately, I've known many women who marry conflicted guys like this, and believe me, it never works out.

Boyfriend with No Libido

Good Day

I wonder if you would be able to help me with a situation.

My boyfriend and i live together, I feel he has a dark secret [?] that he has not told me.  He in the past had gay friends whom he used to act with in the theater, as well as socialize with outside of theater. He has told me that when a gay male hit on him they would protect him saying he is straight.
Recently he divulged that he went skinny dipping with a male he suspected might have been gay. I very much doubt a straight male would feel comfortable having a naked swim with a possibly gay male? [Not every straight man thinks a gay man is going to rape him! -- Bill] He is very aware of gay men and i get a "whiff" of something when we happen to pass a gay male together, gay men are definitely looking at him and he notices them too.  He introduced me to an acquaintance, then later whispered in my ear he thinks the guy is in the closet.  My boyfriend has no libido and our sex life is terrible.  He has told me that anything to do with his anus is out of bounds as he has hemorrhoids.[Why would you want to go near his anus?]  He has a lot of patience [?]with gay people and so do I. I have asked him if he is bisexual or gay. His reaction to the gay question was not what i expected, he jumped up off the couch grabbed a cigarette, was very angry and told me he's never felt so insulted in all his life. He promises me that he is not gay? He did have an abusive father, but says he was never sexually molested by anyone...i am not too convinced of this?  He seldom performs oral on me (saying he doesn't do that often anyway) and seldom initiates sex saying he has no libido and suffers with erectile dysfunction, his testosterone is low (has had an injection for it) and he is going to the doctor to find out what is wrong with his body. He has suffered with ED since early 30s during his marriage.
I find him a very loving but totally oversensitive person in the aspect of he does not like a massage, a loving caress anywhere on his body in the same place for too long causes him great irritation and he says he cant stand it. He is getting so upset with me as I need intimacy in our relationship, he says the right things, treats me well etc...yet i cannot bond with him? All i want is for him to admit he is either gay/bisexual as that is only fair to me. 
Thanks so much

Your boyfriend has a lot of issues, in fact you both do. It's possible that he shies away from sexual contact because he's embarrassed by his impotency, which can have any number of causes. Doesn't mean he's gay. Sadly, most [straight] men over-react when someone suggests that they might be into guys. If you mention it again be non-judgmental and non-accusatory. Start a discussion by asking what he thinks of gay marriage and go on from there. I understand you both need to move on if it turns out he's basically homosexual.

I think you both have a problem with perhaps thinking that gay men are predators -- this business about him being "protected" when a guy made a pass at him, for instance. Some straight men think a gay guy is "making a pass" simply if he engages him in conversation! You come off a bit like a woman who is scared that your boyfriend will turn gay or come out if he succumbs to seduction from a gay man. But if he's gay he's gay, and nobody and nothing can just turn him into a homosexual.

Anyway, he sounds like he could use therapy, if for no other reason than to help him with his erectile dysfunction.

Straight or Not?

hello Dr Bill, 

I have been dating my bf for almost two years. Our relationship is PERFECT and we love each other very much. he's 31 and I'm 25. My only problem is that i have concerns that he might be gay.. or curious! 2 years ago, before we dated he told me that "no straight man can ever say he has never been attracted to a gay before, even just once".. since then i have always been very careful to see any other gay signs, which has been throughout our whole relationship. Last night we were watching a TV show and a clear gay scene popped up, a straight guy was flirting with a gay guy, and during that scene, I saw him quickly rub his dick in a very fast motion for about 5 seconds and then let go of it. what does this mean? Was he turned on by the scene? Is he gay? the last time i told him he's gay, he got very angry and broke up with me for a few hours. PLEASE HELP ME OUT!! I don't want to waste my time with him if he is a closet gay: we already have plans of getting married after i get my degree. He is a Tall Masculine man, which might be one of the reasons why he wouldn't want to "come out"! 

Well, there are still a great many men who are conflicted about their sexuality, and embarrassed by their sexual and romantic feelings for other men, but I can't say positively one way or the other about this fellow. Some men who are attracted to men will do or say absolutely anything to convince themselves that they're, deep down, heterosexual, including saying that "no straight men can say he was never attracted to a [gay] man," which sounds like he's justifying or trying to explain his feelings for men. He could be repressed as well as closeted. If you discuss it with him never simply tell him he's gay, or accuse him of it in a judgmental manner. Be sympathetic. If he's gay you both need to know so you can each move on into new relationships. You can start the discussion by, say, talking about the gay marriage debate, or saying you have a friend whose boyfriend might be gay. And see what happens.