Who's the Butcher?

Do bisexual men, I mean men who may at one time have been married and had children, tend to be less stereotypical and more masculine than men who are strictly gay and have never been with women?

First, just because a man has been married [to a woman] had sex with women, or fathered children in the biological way doesn't necessarily make him genuinely bisexual -- but that's for another post.

Most, but certainly not all, gay men do a little experimenting in their younger days, some fooling around with the opposite sex, until they get it on with a guy and realize they've found what they're really looking for, and most have little interest in pursuing heterosexual relationships after that or toying with women's affections. Whether a man is stereotypically gay or not has absolutely nothing to do with the amount of experience he's had with women. I've met very masculine guys who've never had sex with a female, and very effeminate men who not only sleep with both men and women [without necessarily being bisexual] but have gotten married and fathered children. I'll never forget a party I went to one summer when there was a guy swishing around the room proudly showing off his wife and their new baby. If there are macho gay guys there are also effeminate straight guys, but somehow I didn't get the impression this fellow was especially straight.

I discovered over many years that the more you try to pigeonhole and stereotype the members of the gay and related communities, the more your expectations -- if your eyes are really open -- will be confounded.

Gay Porn on the Computer

Hi Bill, I am worrying myself for days since I found some links to a gay porn site on my and my boyfriend's computer. We have been living together for half a year and we are in a relationship for almost five years. I have never noticed he's into men in the past. However, we haven't had sex properly in so long that I don't even remember for how long. I suspected that he is cheating on me with another woman because he is chatting with a lot of girls on his facebook profile. A few days ago I even tried to talk with him about our problem and asked him if he is gay. He replied negatively and said that we both caused the situation we are in and have to work on it in the future. I was afraid to bring up the porn site. Today I saw that he went to that site again and I asked if he was watching it. He smiled at me and said no. I noticed he's visiting that site for a few months and has a username, " ----"  that makes me think he's confused about his sexual orientation. However, every time he visited the gay site he also visited heterosexual sites. I really need some help cause I don't know how to talk to him about that.

Well there are people that will tell you that straight guys have various reasons for looking at gay porn, but the number one reason is that they aren't straight. If he has some legitimate reason for looking at gay porn, why doesn't he discuss it openly with you? I also suspect that what you refer to as a porn site is actually a gay dating site with sexy and naked pictures of men on it. If he has registered on that site and has a user name it is probably because he wants to hook up with guys for sex, the chief purpose of those sites. 

You need to confront him on this issue in a non-accusatory and non-judgmental way. He may be going back and forth from gay and straight sites to try to convince himself he isn't gay, he could be bisexual [or at least thinks he is, but remember that most bi guys have a preference and it generally isn't women], or he's simply attracted to men but has ambivalent feelings about it. Does he come from a liberal background or a conservative one? How does he feel about gay people?

I suggest you tell him that you have a friend who is afraid her boyfriend is gay. This will start a discussion without necessarily focusing on him. Or at least talk about gay marriage, a hot topic, and see what his reaction is. There are men who are secretly homosexual, who seek out male sex partners, but who are so ashamed of it that they become quite homophobic and speak out against gay people in strongly negative terms, and that's usually a red flag. So is looking at gay porn and signing up with gay sex/dating sites. And so is not having any sex with your girlfriend for a long, long time. 

Some men in this position think that they aren't cheating on their wives or girlfriends if their sex partners are male, but of course that isn't the case. You also have to be concerned about whether or not he is using condoms during his possible past or future sex hook ups.

There is a strong possibility that your boyfriend is trying to come to terms with his homosexuality, and may even be struggling to come out or find some way to talk to you about it. You can help if you can get him to open up while being sympathetic.

His coming out will probably mean the end of your relationship, but at least you'll know what's up, and in the long run both of you will be better off for it, although it may not seem that way right now.

Changes A-Comin'

Shortly there will be some changes made to the ASK GAY DR. BILL  blog. The focus will still be on answering questions about gay life, but I will also include occasional think pieces and "Media Watch" posts about gay images on TV, in films, in fiction and in theater, as well as reviews of books of interest. My brother blog, "JATGAB" which I've been doing even longer than this blog, will be incorporated into Ask Gay Dr. Bill, making it much, much easier to keep things updated.

Thanks for reading! There's a lot of good stuff to come.

Gay -- or Commitment Phobic?

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost two years.  When we began dating he knew that I had two children, and he was very happy being in their lives. After a year and a half he decided he wanted to move in with me and my children and everything seemed to be fine however, during the last month of our relationship when he got drunk and he and I would have sex he’d ask me to stick my finger in his anus and he would only ask when he was drunk. Because when he was sober he said he was too embarrassed to talk about it. Now his best friend became single and he began hanging out with his best friend and one day he came home to tell me that he was having doubts about him, not me. I asked him if he was confused about his sexuality; he said no. When he left he told me he couldn't see me for a while because if he did he knew he would want to come back home and stay with me. Now him and his best friend are always together and are always hanging out, and they cannot be separated. He has no children and when he left he said he wasn’t sure if he wanted children or a family. So I decided to shut him out completely and when I did he said “I need you in my life, you're more than an ex-girlfriend; If I ever date again which I don’t think I will I believe I will be a lonely old man, I will always need you in my life" and now to make matters worse he feels the need to play a stepfather role in my children’s lives but he never speaks about us getting back together. We email and text a lot and he seems to be hanging on to what I don't know.

Well, to be honest, there's not a lot to go on here when it comes to the question of your ex-boyfriend's sexuality. Yes, most straight men [and a lot of gay men] don't want a finger up their anus, but that isn't a definite indication of homosexuality. Neither is his hanging out with his best friend all the time -- straight guys often do hang out with their buddies, it just depends on exactly what they're doing together ... If you had actually caught him in bed with a guy, looking at gay porn, or something. From what you say he might be a gay man struggling with his sexuality, trying to come to terms with an attraction for men while striving to be "straight" with a woman who is not quite a girlfriend anymore. He obviously feels or needs some connection to you. But it's also a possibility that he cares about you but isn't ready for a full commitment or long-term relationship. In other words, commitment-phobia.

I recognize that you feel as if you're in limbo. You have strong feelings for this man but he's sending all kinds of mixed messages. He wants to keep you as a friend but I suspect it would be too painful and disorienting for you to do the same as far as he is concerned, especially as you want him to be the main man in your life. Sit him down or email him and tell him all this, let out all of your feelings. In a non-judgmental way ask him again about his sexuality. Does he never want to date again or does he never want to date women? If he can't or refuses to give you some satisfactory answers to these questions, I would tell him that your door is closed and move on! Best, Bill