Is Friend's Husband Gay?

I HAVE 2 QUESTIONS -----  FIRST QUESTION: MY FRIEND –A WOMAN IN HER 60’S HAS BEEN MARRIED SINCE HER LATE 30’S --TO A VERY NARCISSISTIC MAN, WHO  I THINK IS GAY.  HE ALWAYS WAS G O N E   A LOT   TRAVELING  WORKING  ---THEN GOT  JOBS AWAY FROM HOME AND NOW  HE  HAS BEEN LIVING IN DC NEAR DUPONT CIRCLE WHICH IS A GAY NEIGHBORHOOD FOR 10 YEARS AT LEAST.   MY FRIEND LIVES IN A NORTHERN CITY HE ONLY RETURNS HOME ABOUT 1-2 TIMES A MONTH ----- AT THE DAUGHTERS WEDDING HE LET IT BE KNOWN THEY ARE SEPARATED  SHE WAS SHOCKED  ALTHO I HAVE TOLD HER MY IDEAS ABOUT HIS PERSONALITY AND LIFESTYLE----  GOING TO KENNEDY CENTER  AND EATING OUT 3 TIMES A DAY AND BUYING AND DOING WHATEVER HE WANTS ----- WITHDRAWING LARGE AMTS OF CASH  SO SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE IS DOING IN DC    THEY DO HAVE 2 ADULT DAUGHTERS  LIVING IN OTHER STATES .  THE HUBBY IS GETTING TANS  TAKING MEDS FOR KEEPING HIS HAIR  ACTS RICH AND SMART AND SUCCESSFUL THO NOT REALLY THE CASE  HE WILL NEVER ADMIT WRONG AND IS SO FAKE ETC     HE IS NOW 66 WHAT DO YOU THINK???     SIGH   -      NOW SECOND QUESTION   SHOULD A PARENT WAIT TIL AN ADULT CHILD  COMES OUT????  OR SAY SOMETHING???

Well, merely living in Dupont Circle doesn't make someone gay, but judging from the rest of what you have to say there is a distinct possibility that he is leading a double life -- or at least has a girlfriend on the side. Although it could just as well be a boyfriend or boyfriends. Chances are he's "come out" to himself and a circle of friends but just can't bring himself to admit it to his wife. Perhaps she should confront him on it in a non-judgmental way?

As for your second question: If a parent feels an adult child is gay and also feels that they're not disclosing it is a barrier to their emotional closeness, they could bring it up -- again, in a non-judgmental way --  if only to let the adult child know that they are okay with it and just want to be a part of this aspect of their lives. Especially if the parent feels that the adult child is afraid the parent will disapprove or be unable to deal with it. If anything, it should bring the parent and adult child closer. 

Hope that helps. 

Enough with Asexuality!

I received a lot of responses to a long-ago post on asexuality. Many were rational and reasonable, but many others were apoplectic, moronic and ridiculous, even homophobic. Recently I got this nasty email from someone who clearly has issues of all different kinds:

"Being asexual is NOT a disability it is a valid orientation. no we aren't sick or lying; no not all of us are young. there are some in their 70's who never had sex & are leading perfectly happy lives." [Sheesh, if this gal had bothered to read all the comments on my [rather old] post on asexuality she would have seen that I bear no one who identifies as asexual ill will, even if I do not necessarily see asexuals as a persecuted minority a la blacks or gays.] -- Dr. Bill

"sex isn't everything. LOVE is." Love is great. So is sex.

"also jesus christ himself was asexual. never had sex or kids." As for Jesus, he was also a Jew. Can you deal with that, or are you anti-Semitic as well as homophobic?

"same goes for enoch a human male." I think she's trying to say eunuch.This is a castrated male, not one who is [born] asexual.

"guess where both are right now? uh huh....in heaven alive well virgin." I think she means alive and well and still virgins.

"if anything..being gay is a disease....see how do you like that? get your facts right before putting down someone else!" Oh, yeah, like you have your facts right?

I'm tempted to just say" Oh, fuck you -- you  homophobic sexless bitch! I believe some people may be genuinely born asexual -- which is not an "orientation" -- but you are just a fucked-up, hung-up, frigid self-hating suppressed lesbian in denial."


But instead I'll just say: It's okay to be gay! 

In the meantime, I am immediately deleting any emails I get on this subject without reading them. I am a sexual being and I'm simply disinterested in the whole subject of asexuality. So don't bother sending me angry emails, they will simply be ignored. [And it goes without saying that I'm deleting/blocking any further emails from this particular correspondent and her friends, as well as giving their emails to my cop friend.] 

One last thing, which I just read on a website devoted to asexuality: "Asexuality as a subject is hard. It's even hard for us, so you can imagine how hard it is for someone who writes dozens of hour-long teleplays in a year. And the one thing that makes it so hard is the simple fact that it is a scientific fact that conditions that are similar to Asexuality can be caused by a myriad of medical or psychological problems. To deny it would be a great disservice to everyone." 

Well, there you have it. At least one asexual person is willing to admit that not everyone who thinks they're asexual is actually asexual [Now if we can only get bisexuals to do the same!]

Married Gay Man and Co-Worker

I am struggling with a situation. I am a married man who found myself falling in love with a male colleague.  I would like to express myself but hope to take a calculated risk.  The assurance I seek, which could be too ideal I reckon, is to find out if he is gay, too.  When I desire him, I am aware I could be over reading his behaviors as I want so much for him to be gay. 

I have grown to like him very gradually.  I miss him a lot when I do not see him; receiving his texts makes me feel like he is thinking of me at least.  I care a lot for him and he has certainly shown very personal care towards me.  I look forward to meeting him every day.  It is not sex as I do not get attracted to him over his physical appeal; he is a very average guy.  It is that special connection I feel between us.  And from there an arousal.  I think of him every day. Deep down I do wish I could express myself honestly with the hope that he will accept and respond favorably.  I am not afraid that he does not like me the way I do.  I love him and I have no obligatory expectation.  I am most afraid that if he is resentful of my honesty it will change our relationship.  I will drive him away. 

I am homosexual but because I am married to a woman and capable of intimacy with females, I qualify myself as bisexual.  I am straight acting, highly sociable and sit in top management team of my company.  Very private in my personal life, I am a closet homosexual.  I do not hang around in pubs or bars – overall am a family man.  A workaholic by nature, I like outdoors, sports and adventures.

I am actually going through a great struggle over the issue.  I am tempted to express my feelings but seized with such great fear.  I am able to take it IF he is gay but not interested in me. I cannot bear it if he is not even gay and starts to feel uneasy upon hearing me.

This is a fairly common situation, being romantically and/or sexually attracted to someone and not only not knowing if they feel the same way about you, but not even knowing if they're gay. What makes it even more difficult for you is that you're in the closet. So even if he's gay and is attracted to you, he doesn't know how to deal with it any more than you do. [This is one more example of how being in the closet can be so detrimental for gay people.] If both of you were "out" you'd only have to deal with how you felt about each other, not with whether or not to disclose the truth of your sexuality. But let's get past that for the moment.

Judging from other information you've given me which I have not posted, you bounce back and forth from thinking this fellow is gay to not gay and, as you admit, clutch at every possible indication that he could be gay and feel the same way as you do. Frankly, the only way you can tell for certain is by being honest with him, whatever the consequences. But then -- even if he's gay, even if he feels the same way you do -- there's the fact that you are already in a relationship, however bogus it may be; you're married. Even if he is comfortable with his sexuality it doesn't mean he will be comfortable in a clandestine relationship with a married man, gay or bi. Many gay men have been burned by getting into relationships with conflicted married men who, whatever they say in bed, will never have the courage to come out and/or leave their wives. 

I can tell you are very conflicted, possibly due to religious feelings. You say at one point that your feelings aren't sexual, then say that he "arouses" you. Let's be blunt. You may have "feelings" for this guy, but you also hunger for his body. Don't let your hang ups make you ashamed of this. It's okay to be gay. It's okay to have romantic and sexual feelings for other men.

You are not alone in this situation. Many family men, whether they identify as gay, bi or even straight [which is major self-denial, of course] are privately attracted to men. Being in a closet doesn't make it easier for them, although they wrongly believe it will, at least at first. 

Before you come out to this guy you might consider getting counseling or therapy from a gay or gay-friendly therapist. If your town has a gay center, you might inquire if they have a group for married gay men or men struggling with their identity. Meeting other men who are in a similar situation might make it easier for you. It might prepare you to have what I suspect you really want: a committed sexual and romantic relationship with a man.

I simply can't tell you whether or not this guy is gay or feels the same way as you do. And you must understand, as an Out and Proud Gay Man, I can't encourage people to stay in the closet and have boyfriends on the side while pretending to the world to be straight. If you want to live a straight closeted life, that's your prerogative, but you have to accept that some privileges will be lost to you. 
 

Boyfriend Who Supposedly Acts "Gay"

My boyfriend loves to imitate gay men; he has even put on my wig and bra and paraded around the house in front of me and my sister. I told him that I was uncomfortable with that behavior and not to do it again. Several weeks later he starts acting like he is gay, snapping his fingers with his hands on his hips. Recently, we spent the night over my girlfriend's house with her and her husband -- they were delighted to have us over. Well, we started drinking and then he starting playing like he was gay and when my girlfriend told him to stop, she and her husband were uncomfortable with the behavior --  she asked him if he was gay; he laughed and said 'No, I'm a homo fag-tug fag, no.' [What? -- Dr. B] We laughed at him and he stopped with the act. Later that night us women stayed upstairs and the men stayed down stairs in the living room -- my girlfriend's husband told us the next morning that he put on my earring in front of him as a joke -- is my boyfriend gay? 

Your boyfriend may be an asshole but I'm not certain he's gay. I'm also not sure why you and your friends were uncomfortable with his behavior -- because he was stereotyping and making fun of gay men and/or confusing them with transvestites, or because you yourself are uncomfortable around gay people, especially the more stereotypical kind?

First of all, gay men do not put on wigs and bras and act all limp-wristed and girlish. That is a stereotype. Most gay men are just average, perfectly masculine guys who happen to be gay. Trust me on this -- I am, after all, a gay man and should know. Men who like to put on women's garments such as bras are transvestites, not homosexuals, and many of them are straight.

It's possible that your boyfriend isn't imitating gay men at all, but acting "campy" and silly, actually imitating women,just because he thinks it's funny. A great many comedians, straight and gay, have dressed and camped it up as women for laughs. Putting on a wig and bra to get some chuckles out of his friends hardly makes your boyfriend a true transvestite let alone a gay man.


Again, it's one thing if you and your friends object because you think he's making fun of [stereotypical] gay men -- another thing if it simply bothers you because you think he's "queer." Finally, the proper reaction to someone using the highly offensive word "fag" is to tell them to go fuck themselves!

Happy 2012!

My apologies to those who have sent in questions. I have been dealing with a number of issues that needed my personal attention. However, things should be back on track very shortly, and I'll be answering the back log of questions as quickly as possible. Many thanks for your patience! Bill