Crabby

Hello Dr. Bill,

First, thank you for your time in answering this question.

I am a 50-year-old gay man and have been out since I was 16.  I lead a rather conventional suburban lifestyle in the SF Bay Area.  A few years back, I ended a 17 year relationship and I have been with my current boyfriend for two years. We don't live together but we are in a sexually and emotionally monogamous relationship.

I would hate to think that I am being naive, but what are the chances of getting crabs without having had sex with someone?  I got them but I did not have sex with anyone and my boyfriend said he did not have sex with anyone as well.  I have not tried on new clothes or slept in anyone else's bed.  I am completely baffled on how I could have gotten these little "buggers."

Any light you can shed would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you, again.

 

Well, first let me make it clear that yes, you can get crabs without having sex with anyone, but there are certain conditions. The problem in your case is that you have not shared anyone's clothing, slept in someone else's bed, and presumably have not shared towels with anyone, either. That eliminates most of the possibilities. Technically, I suppose one could get crabs from a toilet seat if you use it not long after an infected person has been sitting there, but remember that crabs do not live too long away from the warmth of the host body -- and they have little reason to leave it just to hang out on a toilet seat. Is it possible that your boyfriend borrowed clothing from someone, or crashed in someone's apartment [without necessarily having sex with them]?

However, the truth is that people generally wind up with crab lice after having sex -- or at least some kind of close physical contact -- with someone else. Perhaps your boyfriend can shed some light on where he picked them up? Or perhaps be a little more honest? But remember, if he did have a one-night-stand, don't over-react. Sometimes these things happen and they really don't mean anything. 

That being said, most people can forgive an occasional "indiscretion" more than they can getting crabs -- especially without the pleasure of sex!

Stomach Pain After Anal Sex

Dear Dr. Bill,

I have recently started dating a new guy (he is 23) and we have had anal sex twice now and the day after he gets stomach pain (cramping) and nausea. He does not have diarrhea or anything like that, just the cramps. Last week, he went to the doctor and the doctor gave him a CT scan because the doctor thought it could be Crohn’s disease. My guy did not tell him that he had anal sex the night before, but did tell the doctor he was gay.

He has an appointment with a specialist next month to confirm the diagnosis of Crohn’s. I have a feeling that it is not Crohn’s but that since I am very thick, that I am pumping a lot of air into his bowels and it is gas pain. Last time this happened to him with another guy, the doctor prescribed an antacid and this took the pain away. This time the doctor has prescribed Prednisone. He has decided not to take it, as there are a lot of side effects.

I have been researching this question online with no real answers.

Thank you in advance for your help.

People's systems react differently to anal sex [especially if it's a comparatively new or infrequent experience] and getting gas or nausea is certainly not unusual, or necessarily something to worry about. Undoubtedly this condition will clear up in time. I suggest if this guy sees any more doctors he tells him or her that he engages in anal sex as a bottom, as it will help in their diagnosis. [If he feels he is in any way being judged, he should see another doctor.] As for prednisone, it is prescribed for a great many conditions, including cancer, arthritis, AIDS, etc., often in combination with other drugs, but a doctor would probably not prescribe it for gas or indigestion. The guy may have other medical conditions you may not know about.

Douche for Anal Sex

Hi Dr

I wonder if you can help me and I am fed up with my problem. I douche my arse with a douche connected to the shower. I can spend half an hour cleaning myself only to find during sex I am still shitty. Am I douching too much? Why does the shit keep pushing into the anal tract?I am not really sure how all this works.

I would appreciate your advice.

Thanks

During anal sex there is so much constant and repeated pressure into the rectum that it's nearly impossible for some fecal matter not to wind up on your partner's pole -- or rather, the condom that he uses. Forget about douching and just take a normal shower sometime before and definitely after sex.

Possibly Gay Boyfriend

Dear Bill,

I have been dating this guy for almost a year now. He is good in bed and stares at women. However, he has very gay mannerisms.[I assume you mean stereotypical mannerisms as most gay men are not "limp-wristed hairdressers" -- Bill]  He cares about his dressing, he takes longer to shower than I do, all his male friends are gay except one. He grinds with them in public, he holds hands with his best friend, who is gay. This behavior appalls me [presumably because it's your date and not because you have a problem with gay behavior -- Bill]and I don't know what to do. Everybody thinks he is gay. I asked him sweetly about it and he says he doesn't know how to act like a bro because he grew up among women. He has 2 sisters and lives with his mom. His parents are divorced. He says he always found it easier to make friendships with gay men. I asked him about his sexual history and he said he has never done anything sexual with a guy. Most of my friends are gay too, so when we go out to gay clubs and gay guys hit on him, he enjoys the attention and proudly talks to them and then later on he will introduce me as his girlfriend. He is also quick to point out a good looking man on television. I am confused about his behaviour. Please help me before I lose my mind. I dated a gay guy before, and I don't want to make the same mistake. I have a preference for a completely straight man.

Well, I gotta tell you that this doesn't sound like a completely straight man. On the other hand, some of the things you mention aren't necessarily red flags. There are girlish heterosexual men [just as the vast majority of gay men are not effeminate], and a man can also care about his appearance, take a long time to dress and shower, and still be straight. [The reverse is also true: I'm a gay man and I'm a slob, or so some friends tell me, LOL!] Guys who grow up in all female households can sometimes seem a bit epicene [androgynous or unmanly] but it doesn't necessarily mean they're gay. [For the record, it's generally now believed that people are born gay, so whether a man grows up surrounded by women or men, has or hasn't got a father figure, is irrelevant.] Growing up with women may have helped your boyfriend be more comfortable around women, and perhaps the more stereotypical gay men.

Now we come to this business of how your boyfriend has virtually immersed himself in the gay scene. Since you say that the both of you have gay friends and therefore hang out a lot in gay clubs, it may be that he finds himself in a homoerotic environment and doesn't want to stick out like a sore thumb. [We'll all seen some straight guys in gay bars clinging to their girlfriends, practically breaking their ribs, in terror of being thought gay.] So he dances with some of his gay friends to be cool, although I have to admit that the grinding and holding hands is a bit much. I have known cases of guys who immerse themselves in gay culture, have girlfriends and refer to themselves as straight, but are deep down attracted to men. My guess is that your boyfriend is possibly gay or at least bisexual but just isn't quite ready to acknowledge it, although he seems to do everything else but have sex with guys [if what he's told you is true, and it may not be]. I call these guys "gay-friendly closet cases."

Most straight couples go to gay clubs that tend to be somewhat mixed [men and women/gay and straight] and not the more intense cruise bars or "meet" markets where gay guys go to get laid. If he's hanging out in the latter bars he could certainly be attracted to men.

I won't repeat what I've written in my post Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay, but I suggest you review the information and familiarize yourself with the red flags.

The truth is that there's no hard and fast way to know for sure about someone unless they come out of the closet or you discover they're having sex with guys, are on gay dating sights, etc. In the meantime, if his behavior in gay bars embarrasses you, you should probably stick to straight clubs. Right now I think it's more that he's "acting" gay that bothers you than that he may be sleeping with guys, because otherwise you probably wouldn't bother dating a guy that you think is gay!

More Weighty Matters

I have really enjoyed your recent blogs on weight issues. [Thank you.] I am a bear chaser, or at least I used to be, now more of a pocket bear. Anyways some chasers do care about their partners health. When I met my boyfriend he was about 230 lbs. Which looks really good on his stocky "bull" build. However after a few years (February of 2012 will be our 10 year anniversary) he gained, going up to about 370 lbs at his biggest.

While I am not a fetish feeder, I am a good cook.  I feel partly responsible because I would bake him cakes, and other treats. It was my not my intention to make him obese, I just wanted to make him happy. Food made him happy. So whenever he was mad or mean or grumpy. I would bake a pie, and it would fix things. I realize that it was a huge mistake.

I never stopped being attracted to him. And sometimes I envy his large size due to the ability to intimidate people with his size.  I have been helping him to loose weight, and he as dropped 50 lbs. I would love for him to get down to 230 and be able to go off of insulin. But I can not force him to exercise. He has a much stronger will than me and he does not take orders from anyone. All I can really do is to try to be supportive. I do not buy a lot of junk food. And deserts are a rare treat now instead of a daily occurrence.  I hope that he does get healthier and starts to enjoy life more. But I can not force him to.  I guess my overly long point is some chasers do care about the health and well being of their bears. [Very glad to hear it! Bill]

Part 2: .My question

As from my first comment. I am in a nearly 10 year relationship. My boy friend is 16 years older than me. When we met I was 22 he was 38.  At that time I had near 0 chest hair, and just ok beard coverage. Now through aging and some minoxidil use, I have a pretty kick ass beard. And even some (though still wish I had more ) chest hair.

Our problem arises in that my boyfriend hates full beards, but I really want one. I have made the concession in the past to have a goatee in the summer(that he likes) and the beard in the winter. We are in Florida so really only 2 seasons.  However he is already starting to complain about the beard.
He thinks I should do what he finds attractive. And while I can see his point, I still have a desire to be fully furried. How much should I give in on this? I mean I like to make him happy but the beard gets me all kinds of positive reaction. Especially from straight men who find it impressive.

My bf is very hairy (Italian) but himself is more in to smooth guys. And never cared for the bear scene. we don't really go out anymore except to local straight bars and restaurants, because he thinks gay bars can cause relationship problems  he prefers strict monogamy). I admit that my smoothness was why I got to have him. I also always wish I were like him and had that beautiful bearness. 

I suppose I should at least give in for his birthday and shave. But the beard will definitely be back before Christmas. How should I deal with the nagging? How can I respect his feelings while still being who I want to be?

Thank you so much for your time, and your blogs. Just writing you makes me feel a lot better.

 Okay, I have to ask, what do you care what straight men think about your beard? Surely your partner of ten years' opinion matters more than some straight guy? I mean, what's up with that, LOL? Gay guys generally want to change their appearance to attract other gay guys!

I have a feeling you like the beard because it makes you feel/look butcher [or what some guys with an old-fashioned sensibility might say "straighter."]? There's nothing wrong with wanting to look more masculine -- and the whole bear/hairy guy thing has a lot of do with masculinity --  but a man can be smooth and clean-shaven and not-so-macho and still be attractive.

On the other hand, you have a right to feel good about yourself and look the way you want to. My advice is to tell your lover that you'll get rid of the beard -- or only wear it in winter -- when he gets down to a healthy recommended size! That may motivate 'im! Just as he wants you to look a certain way, you have the right to prefer him to look a certain way as well.

Your partner is 16 years older than you, getting older, and may be a little insecure, which may be why he's nervous about the bar scene, but if the two of you go to a bar together it shouldn't be a problem. He's undoubtedly afraid that at nearly twenty years his junior you have a wandering eye -- you didn't really have that much time to sow your wild oats, as they say, before getting into a long-time partnership. The answer is compromise. [I always been in favor of modified open relationships -- I frankly think relationships last longer that way -- but a great many gay men disagree with me on this. Different strokes ...]

If the two of you love each other and enjoy each other's company and are there for each other during the rough patches of life, then everything else will work itself out. Good luck!