"No Fats, No Femmes"

I was in a couple of gay bars the other night and saw a few guys flocking around these obese, effeminate men as if they were hot porn stars. Whatever happened to "no fats, no femmes" that you used to see -- have gay standards changed so much that a swishy guy who avoids the gym and takes absolutely no care of himself has suddenly become a sex symbol? I just don't get it.

You're not alone. But remember -- there's no accounting for taste except that everyone has his own "type." There have always been "chubby chasers" in the gay community and if there seem to be more of them than ever, it may be because the guys they like are feeling freer to go out and cruise now that there are places, such as bear bars, where they can feel comfortable and meet people who like them. Obese men used to avoid the typical gay bar or "meat market" because they feared no one would be interested, but the more accepting bear community -- where you can be older, fatter, balder, and not handsome and still find your share of admirers -- has changed the equation; you won't often find "big" guys cruising in "regular" gay bars.

The strange thing is that most "big and fat" guys tend to be admired because of their masculinity. Feminine chubby guys are even more of an acquired taste. There are men who don't focus on the total package, but simply have a fat fetish -- therefore it doesn't matter if the guy is masculine or not, or what he looks like as long as he has lots of excessive avoirdupois!

On one hand, it's good that all kinds of men who don't fit neatly into conventional standards of handsomeness can still have fun and feel attractive. On the other hand, as I've said before, there's a danger in making obese men, especially morbidly obese men, sex symbols. I'm well aware that the bear lifestyle has its good points, but perhaps in its gleeful disregard of taking care of yourself, it isn't doing a lot of gay guys much of a favor.

Anal Issues

I had anal sex with a very well endowed man. Ever since then I have had constant anal pain. It hurts to sit down, once I'm sitting and situated the pain subsides until I move or try to get up. My first BM had blood in the stool and I had have had a constant feeling if having to go #2. I notice that when I wipe there is spots of blood (still). When I went to bed Saturday night I woke up sore and achy with a headache. Also sometimes when I go to urinate I am forced to sit down because I have to BM which is excruciatingly painful. As a seasoned 'bottom' I have never had this before... Should I go to the doctor (I don't have insurance). I'm scared...

I would wait a couple of days and if the bleeding and pain continues you should see a doctor. Do you have hemorrhoids? Anal sex could make them bleed, creating pain, blood in the stool, and often a feeling that you got to do # 2. It may be nothing more serious than that -- they can be pretty painful --  but if it doesn't clear up you should have it checked out. If you think it is hemorrhoids, also known as piles, you can get a cream for it at the drug store. If you do decide to see a doctor, there are low-cost clinics you can go to. If you're in New York, a place called Callen Lorde Community center services the LGBT community, including uninsured, on a sliding scale and there may be similar places in your town if you're in another city. Or you can call a gay center and ask for referrals. Try not to be scared, it may be nothing, but DO check it out if it continues more than a week to ten days, especially if it gets worse or is really painful. 

Should add that the "worse case" scenario could be an anal fissure or tear, which can be caused by anal sex and other reasons. However, in most cases this self-heals within two weeks. Again, hemorrhoid cream can be helpful. So definitely see a doctor if this doesn't clear up in two weeks. Don't worry -- surgery is only required in the most extreme cases, which I doubt you have -- and there are simple ways of healing it without surgery. But in all likelihood it should clear up on its own. And I probably don't need to add -- no anal sex until it does! Bill   

Can a Boyfriend be Too Gay-Friendly?

It was very hard for me to write this, but i am going crazy and i need your opinion. First i have to start by telling you that i was raised in Mexico, in a very catholic, homophobic and conservative family. When i moved to the us i became an advocate for gay rights and gay marriage. i think it is a matter of being human regardless of your preferences; my best friend is gay and i do not consider myself  homophobic. I always dream of a man who would not be a patriarchal macho [type] and i found him. He is American. He comes from a super liberal family -his grandparents and parents are pro-abortion, pro-gay marriage etc- Although, i think i am very open minded this is still a shock to me; I could never dream of my grandparents being pro gay marriage. 


Long story short, my boyfriend is very liberal. He moved to another city and he has a gay roommate. I went to visit him not that long ago and his roommate mentioned that he'd like to date my boyfriend and he wants to marry him. When we walked around the city my boyfriend would point out at every gay-friendly place.  A long time ago, i told him that one of my girlfriends hooked up with a girl when she had a boyfriend, I remember  he told me that cheating is not cheating if is with the same sex, i told him that i disagree. For me cheating is cheating period. (it's about the violation of the trust) One time he visited me and we were mentioning that one of my housemates was gay, he said "there is nothing wrong with being bi curious;" i was too shocked and did not say anything.

I know two of his best friends are gay. One time at a party he was so drunk and him and his friend starting joking about my boyfriend eating this other guy's "c*m." i told him this bugged me and he just said that it was the way he got along with him. He is too comfortable being around gay men. I know this sounds horrible on my part. I intellectually understand, but emotionally i am dying. We have been dating for more than a year and he asked me to move in. I love him. I talked to my best friend about this and he as a gay man told me that my boyfriend -due to his family history- was in the perfect environment to come out since his  family is so supportive, loving, caring and open minded. His parent's best friends are a gay couple.  His parents and him  together watch shows like Will and Grace.

Now, he is not the macho type i am used to dating; he is sweet caring and loving, but this situation makes me so uncomfortable, i know he's gone to gay bars with his friends and his roommate often refers to him as his date. It makes me so jealous. Please help me, should i confront this? I love him so much i want him to be happy and he knows it.

best

anonymous.


Well, first of all, since you're so uncomfortable with this situation you have to eventually confront your boyfriend over what's going on in your mind. It's obvious that you're afraid he's attracted to men, and frankly, it sounds like he probably is.


Now understand that neither I nor anyone else can be certain of your boyfriend's sexuality without knowing him [and not even then] but I confess that one thing certainly jumped out at me, and that was this business that it really isn't cheating if your bed mate is of the same sex. This sounds as if your boyfriend could be setting you up for a situation in which you may be his main girlfriend [or even "beard'] while he has sex with guys on the side. 


So let's say that your boyfriend is at the very least bisexual [and keep in mind that the label "bisexual" is often a cop-out and inaccurate]. Being bisexual does not mean that a person has to have sex with both men and women, so even if he's bi and his preference is women [a big if] it is still cheating if he has sex with men. And why would you want a boyfriend who cheats on you with either sex?


There are other things to consider, however. Since you admit that most of your previous boyfriends were of the macho meat-head persuasion, you may find it hard to believe that a man can be sensitive, gentle, respectful of women etc. and be genuinely heterosexual, but such guys do exist. [Just as there are, sadly, macho meat-heads in the gay male community.] The fact that, unlike you, he grew up up in a liberal household may explain why he is comfortable with gay men.


So he could be a secure, open-minded straight guy who has no problem being friends with gay guys [good for him!] -- hence the joking around with his roommate that you find a little crass and disturbing -- or he could be a man who's wrestling with his sexuality or is keeping the full truth from you. One strange thing I've observed over the years is that people can be very open-minded on the subject of homosexuality when it comes to other people, but just the opposite when it comes to themselves or members of their family. [Which is why some parents who support gay rights nevertheless send junior to a psychiatrist if he tells them he likes guys and some gay-friendly guys have such trouble coming out themselves]. Also, men who consider themselves bi tend to tell gay men they like women but generally don't tell their wives and girlfriends that they like men. And while it's true that there's nothing necessarily wrong in being "bi-curious," there's a difference in being curious and having actual same-sex bed partners. 


So, you'll just have to sit your boyfriend down, explain what's bugging you, and ask him to be completely honest with you about his sexuality. If it turns out he's attracted to men, it doesn't make you homophobic if you're uncomfortable with that [especially if he thinks his having sex with men wouldn't be cheating!!!] and want to move on.

Lastly, if it turns out he is bi or gay, I must say I respect and admire any woman who can love a man enough to let him be happy with someone else.