Questions about Fiance

Hi,

So I figured your expertise might have some answers to my stumping thoughts.

I'm engaged and questioning certain things about my fiance.

I feel he's hiding something or maybe I'm just a crazy assumer. sooo I thought, He might be bisexual......?

When I first met him, he told me about some gay guys he used to hang out with, that didn't seem "gay" and that they actually were fun to hang out with.

He specifically talked about a gay guy friend he used to work with. My fiance had a gf at the time but he told me his guy friend and him would joke around, for ex.: I read an email which went kinda like this....

 My fiance: "whats up fag" [Oy vey! -- Dr. Bill]

 his friend: "hey cock monkey"

 my fiance:" :)"

1st of all....a smilely face?

2nd.....isn't that flirting? [or just guys stupidly fooling around]

There were several other things he told me that were just a little...........bi-ish.

He told me that they always joke around and they both don't get offended by one another-[That's actually a good thing.]  It seemed they talked like that a lot. When we first met, I asked him..."are you bisexual". He got mad and said, "no!"

I thought, Obviously his friend is gay and likes guys, my fiance is good looking, so why wouldn't this gay guy jump on the chance to "do"  or flirt with my fiance.[Let's make it clear that gay men don't need to jump on or seduce straight guys, unless some encouragement makes it clear that the other guy isn't so straight after all.]

My fiance also cums a lot quicker during sex when I stick my finger up his butt and sometimes during sex he'll give me the lube to do it. [Interesting.]

 I found anal lube in the shower and he wouldn't tell me why it was in there. [That frankly is a red flag. Especially as he wouldn't give you an answer.]

He is the first bf that gets soo turned on by anal and would do it everytime if I let him.

We also have a great sex life but I've been catching him a lot masturbating watching porn.

Also, he kind of has a dysfunctional family, his parents have some mental problems [I hope you do realize that being gay or bi has nothing whatsoever to do with being dysfunctional or having "mental problems." Why are you even bringing it up?]

His sister told him she is bi and got so far as going down on a girl and the girl going down on her........

..........makes me believe for a sister to tell a brother that....is a little creepy [why?] or maybe he is bi, so he would understand because that was her 1st "real" sex with a girl. The mom also told them she had a lesbian experience and that's why the sister might have bi tendencies. [Well, people are born gay so I suppose a gay gene could be inherited. Both women could essentially be lesbians no matter how "straight" their lifestyle.]

And his straight friends and him say gay things [??] to each other jokingly but he also has said it to guys he doesn't know and it felt awkward to me, being there and hearing it, but the guys also seemed a little uncomfortable. And one time I told him, "you just flirted with that starbucks guy?!" and he said " I was just joking".

wtf? [It sounds like this guy is attracted to men and just doesn't know how to tell you, so he "acts out" in this way.]

I'm feel like I'm in the twilight zone, and just don't understand. And feel like he's hiding issues from me, and hiding things is not the way to start a marriage.

I might have to call off the engagement.

Does this sound like he might be bi or maybe his fam is kinda fucked up, so he is. -help

To be perfectly honest with you it sounds like your boyfriend is at the very least bisexual but isn't ready to come out as bi [he could even be gay]. This has nothing to do with a "dysfunctional family." Even if he is genuinely bisexual, the question is -- in his heart of hearts, and once he gets past any hang-ups he may have about his homosexual feelings -- which sex is his preference. If it's men, then a marriage would be problematic and completely unfair to both of you. The anal lubricant, his flirting with men, his deceptiveness, all bring his sexuality into question. I can't be absolutely certain of course, but I suggest you bring all of these things up to him, sharing your concerns, in a non-judgmental and non-accusatory way. Both of you deserve to know the truth.

Guy Only Wants Older Guys

Hey Dr. Bill, 

I’m 23 years old and I’m coming to realize that I find men physically attractive, but ONLY older guys. It’s not the age that attracts me, but the masculine characteristics that come with age. For example, I’ve always been obsessed with facial hair, body hair, and male hair loss. A handsome 40-year-old man who is losing his hair, has a thick beard, and is covered in body hair is the most beautiful thing in the world to me.

I am a very masculine-acting individual, and no one would guess that I'm gay. I secretly wish that I will go bald and become hairier to resemble what I find attractive, but it seems so at-odds with the desires of the gay community. It’s like these traits I find attractive are found to be disgusting by most others....it makes me feel like a freak.  What’s worse is this attraction is exclusive...young guys and women don’t interest me at all, plus I am not interested in anal sex either!

Is this what it means to be a bear? Or can my attraction to men evolve over time to include other kinds of guys as well as anal? At 23, having my friends and family see me with a man old enough to be my father makes me feel incredibly guilty and shameful.

Sorry if this question's dumb, I'm only just coming to terms with these things and had to get this out to somebody.

Not a dumb question. And there's nothing to feel guilty or shameful about. But I do have a few questions of my own. There's nothing wrong with dating or even having a long-term relationship with an older man, but you do realize that there are guys in their twenties who are hairy, masculine, and who have receding hairlines? [I myself was pretty much bald before I even hit thirty.] So I think that age must have to be a factor with you. In other words, you might have a "daddy" complex. And if you are not a bear [cub], you are definitely a bear-chaser.

First, about bears, or hairy, generally mustachioed or bearded, often non-stereotypical gay men: Yes, gay men outside the bear community do not find the traits you admire to be attractive. To hell with them! Within the very huge bear community you would not be considered a freak nor your desires disgusting.

Now as for daddies. A daddy used to be a mature gay man, a senior citizen in his sixties, but now it simply means older, which means a guy in his late thirties can be a daddy if his boyfriend is in his twenties. There are men who are attracted to [some] older men, simply because they like their looks and don't care that they happen to be older. But generally these guys also like men their own age. If you're strictly into older guys it could be for different reasons.

Some younger guys pursue older men because they didn't have a good relationship with their fathers. No, this doesn't mean they want to have sex with their dads but they feel they missed out on that special father/son relationship and they might be able to get that with an older man -- along with something extra, of course. Some men prefer older guys because they feel the competition will be less formidable; they may have low self-esteem. Some men like older guys as a sort of fetish. Sex is okay but a long-term relationship is out of the question.

None of these may apply to you, of course. But for now I wouldn't worry about it. When I was your age I was not even remotely attracted to bald or balding men, but now -- bald myself -- I tend to go for guys with shaved heads and goatees. Certainly not my cup of java when I was in my twenties. So your tastes may evolve over the years.

Some people just aren't into anal sex, top or bottom. Some gay guys don't even like to suck dick. Everybody's different. So don't worry about it. [Remember, if you ever try anal sex do it with someone you trust and use condoms!]

So date older men if you like. But someday you might want someone to grow older with, so don't dismiss guys your own age out of hand. Some may have the very qualities that you're looking for. Remember hairy daddies didn't become hairy overnight, but were that way all of their lives!

Bi-Situational Boyfriend

Hi Dr. Bill,

My 36 year old boyfriend initially revealed that he is bi-situational, I'm sure 
he's more interested in men than just when the situation presents itself. 
I realize he phrased it this way because he was anxious about my response and 
he would definitely never share this with his buddies or family.  He has since 
expressed his interest as a bi top who is oral versatile. He's a fantastic man 
and I embrace all aspects of who he is.  Never having been in a committed 
relationship with a man who identifies as bisexual, I'm not sure what this means 
over the long term.  It's something we will need to figure out as we go. What is 
the key to maintaining a healthy sexual relationship when one member of the 
couple identifies as bisexual?

Thank you so much for having a blog that delves into these questions! 

First, let me make it clear that there are people who will disagree with me,
but here it is. Identifying as bisexual is all well and good. The trouble is
that "bisexual" is a term that means different things to different people, and I'm
not convinced it really applies to many of the people who use it as a label. I can
not tell you the number of women who are out there who have husbands and boy-
friends who are attracted to men; I've heard from scores. The trouble is, many
of these guys are so ashamed of their homosexual feelings that they simply go
on the "down low." They have sex with men and have their "woman" as a front
They aren't honest with themselves so they have trouble being honest with the
people in their lives.

There are men who claim they only want sex with men and can only have 
romantic relationships with women. They often call themselves bisexual. I
call them closet cases. A true bisexual, according to bi advocates, can have
both sexual and romantic relationships with either sex. These men can't see
themselves in a relationship with a man because of their shame and embarress-
ment,what we call "internalized homophobia." And a man suffering from such
is often in denial as to the true extent of his homosexual feelings.  

Your boyfriend may insist -- as many of these men do -- that he is a bisexual
who leans towards being straight, that he is more attracted to women than to
men. But I hasten to add that a true bisexual does not have to have sex with
both men and women. Either can fully satisfy him or her. If that is genuinely the
case with your boyfriend, there shouldn't be any problem "maintaining a healthy
sexual relationship," as you put it.

But if your boyfriend is not really bisexual -- and I would not classify him
as such if in his heart of hearts [and gonads] his preference is men -- then
eventually he'll feel stifled in a heterosexual relationship or just have frequent
sexual contacts with other men. All you can do is talk it out with him and
hope he's totally honest with himself and with you.  


Frankly, "bi-situational" sounds like a lot of hooey to me, but I'm sure that
doesn't surprise you. Unless it refers to the fact that many men are bisexual
only in the sense that they do interact with both sexes but deep down are
primarily gay.