Not Gay -- But Wants Sex With Men?

Hi, I'm so happy I came across your web page.

I'm 39 years old. I met a man 3.5 years ago. We started dating, moved in, got engaged, and was supposed to be married this July 2010. Three months before our wedding date, he picked up a prostitute and had sex with her. Got caught by the police and had to tell me. This action made no sense to me. Over the course of a couple of days after that I asked to see his email accounts. Because a "normal" man just does not one day decide to do what he did. It had to be a progression of something. Now mind you, over these days, he says he doesn't know why he did it, and still loves me. He's sorry etc. When I looked into his email accounts a part of me died that day.

He was placing ads on Craig's List to have sex with men. He says, I'm not having sex with men, they are having sex with me. I said to him, then you are gay. No I'm not gay he says. And he continues to deny it till this day. I never had a clue. I had no signs. There were rough patches in our relationship of not having sex for long periods of time. And he was taking pills to perform. That was the only thing that was a red flag for me. We are no longer together. I do talk with him on a weekly basis. What my question is, if he so strongly denies that he is gay, could it be possible? I guess part of me doesn't want him to be gay because I was so in love with him. But I also want him to be happy and live a great and successful life. I have told him that it's ok that he is gay. I would be there to support him. But he denies it all the way. My other thought is, I don't know any straight men that would want to have sex with another man.

Any advice or thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.....

Well, I have to tell you first off that I don't know any legitimately straight men who want to have sex with other men, either. I know of one gay therapist who insists that there are tens of thousands of straight men out there seeking other men to have sex with, but in my opinion the guy is an idiot. He seems to think that because these men don't want to be in relationships with other men but only want sex with them that that somehow makes them heterosexual. Granted most of these guys have wives or girlfriends, but at the very least they are bisexual, not straight. The reason they can't even abide the thought of a romantic relationship with another man is due to their internalized homophobia, their deep-rooted shame over their homoerotic feelings, not alleged "heterosexuality." Yes, there may be certain peculiar circumstances where a hetero man will have sex with another guy -- prison, for instance -- and it's been said that the male victims of childhood sexual abuse sometimes can grow up to be confused about their orientation -- but other than that I have to say that "straight" guys who have sex with men -- especially repeated sex -- are deeply conflicted homosexuals.

The man you're referring to definitely sounds like he's in this category -- and in deep denial. He can't even label himself bisexual [whether he's gay or genuinely bi is another story] which some of these men do. There are quite a few essentially homosexual men who think of themselves as straight simply because:

1.) They are in some kind of heterosexual relationship with a woman, either a wife, girlfriend or fiancee. Therefore that makes them "straight" despite the fact that every fibre of their being is crying out to be with a man.

2.) They wrongly see themselves as being the "man" during the male-male sex act; in other words they are the "top" while their sex partner is penetrated. Or they get "serviced" by the other man without ever giving "head" themselves. But I know a great many self-identified gay guys who are exactly the same way. It's just a matter of preference. [And when two gay men get together neither is "the woman" -- both are men.]

3.) They are paid for the sexual acts they perform with other men. [The number of male prostitutes whose clients are exclusively male and yet who insist they are themselves completely heterosexual is legion!]

As for his comment "I'm not having sex with men, they are having sex with me"...? he is being so disingenuous you could choke on it. What is he implying? -- That he just lies there while they work him over? But what kind of straight guy wants to lie there and have another guy work him over?

As for his encounter with the female prostitute, there are two possibilities. The first is that the woman was actually a "transvestite hooker" with a penis. Lots of conflicted homosexual men [I won't call them gay because they are not exactly Out and Proud] prefer sex with "TVs" because they are having sex with a man but -- due to the way the other person presents themselves -- they can pretend they're really with a woman. The second possibility is that he approached this prostitute for the purposes of "proving his manhood" after a particular homosexual encounter left him confused and, sadly, disheartened.

I think you've done all the right things. And I do appreciate how very difficult and painful this has been for you. Unfortunately it's very, very hard -- and believe, me, I've been there -- to help guys like this if they can't even admit to themselves that they're gay [or even bi]. You can tell them "it's okay to be gay" a hundred times but until they really believe it themselves they'll go on doing anything and everything they can to convince themselves they're really straight -- all the while having sex with men. Therapy with a caring gay or gay-friendly therapist might work wonders, but again, these kind of guys rarely seek therapy except from quacks who are out to "cure" them or guys like the aforementioned gay therapist who wants to convince them [while being very well paid for it] that yes, they really are straight.

Hopefully some day something will click inside him and he'll realize that his problem isn't his desire for men, but his guilt and shame over it, and instead of these furtive, short-lived encounters [not that there's anything wrong in casual sex, mind you] he might entertain the notion of a long-term and caring relationship with another man.

Speaking of which, there's another [hopefully hetero] man out there for you as well! Best of luck!