Consolation Sex and the Guy You Can't Get Over

Now what do you think of this, doc? Some time ago I ended a friendship with a dear friend because I realized that I was falling for him and he made it clear -- after much hemming and hawing -- that he did not feel the same. He did not want to lose my friendship -- neither did I -- but I explained to him that it would be painful for me to be around him, especially as he had recently taken up with another man. [Let me make it clear that I had been under the impression -- as all of our mutual friends were -- that J. and I were in a relationship, but apparently that never occurred to J. We were intimate, hung out together all the time, but he just didn't feel that special something that I did. That's life. Regretfully, I moved on.]

Okay. Months went by. I avoided J, who worked in a bar I had frequented. One evening, at another place, I ran into my "replacement" -- J's new fuck buddy. We fell into conversation and had many drinks together. Apparently, R -- the replacement -- had also come to the same conclusion that I had. That J. was great, but that all R was to him was a "friend with benefits," that J. was no more interested in a relationship with him than he was with me.

One thing led to another and the two of us went to his place and had sex. Who shows up the next morning but J -- he and R were still friends, unlike J and me -- and he actually got angry that the two of us had slept together. He acted as if he had been betrayed. He has made no commitment to us, and while R and I definitely think the other is attractive, what we had was just some nice consolation sex, probably never to be repeated. Our bond was J, pure and simple.

So, what's going on here? The three of us argued and talked for an hour and got nowhere. It is clear that J. doesn't really want either of us for a lover. So why does he give a damn that we slept together? Could you shed any light on this? T.

I'll try. Maybe because he was left out of the fun and didn't get laid the night before like you two did?

Seriously, his actions may not be rational, but they are understandable. You were someone he may not have seen as "the one," but nevertheless he enjoyed having you as a friend [with benefits]. You ended the friendship -- wisely, I feel -- but he still feels rejected. [Ironic, I know, since you ended the friendship because of his rejection of your romantic feelings.] Now he sees the pattern happening all over again -- R will probably have to end the friendship just as you did -- and he sees the two of you drawing closer while he feels left out. We all need friendships, just as we need special relationships, and we especially need friendships when we have no special relationship.

Now I'm going to assume that you're correct that J just wants both you and R as friends or fuck buddies and nothing more. Still, he misses the times you and he hung out together and may have been trying to recreate them with R. Now R has gone and fallen for him, too, and all J can see is that he's in danger of losing yet another good friend.

I've met guys like J. No doubt he's attractive, likable, charming. He hasn't met "the one" yet, or may not even be looking. [Not to give false hope, but it may not even be you or R who's the problem, but simply bad timing.] Yet there's something about him that makes most of his friends or fuck buddies fall a little in love with him. I've met guys like this who may not even be that handsome, but they are nice and fun and sympathetic, hopefully a little exciting as well, and people just wind up getting hung up on them.

You have to realize that, even if he's young, he may have been through this over and over again. You may not even have been the first friend who fell for him and then walked out of his life. He may not be hurting as much as you are, but he's hurting. And he may see the two of you sleeping together as a way of getting back at him ( which certainly may have been on R's mind) when he really did nothing wrong -- he just didn't return your more serious feelings.

And you and R -- if you're totally honest -- are probably still hoping that some day something more than friendship will develop with J. I can't blame either one of you for getting some consolation sex with one another [although I sense you're being accurate when you suggest it will go no further.]

That being said, J still can't tell either you or R who you can sleep with anymore than you can dictate his social or sex life to him.

I feel bad for all three of you, as I've been on both sides of the fence, and it's never easy. No harm was really done as far as you're concerned, as you'd already decided to move on and end the friendship with J out of necessity, although I understand you could have done without this misunderstanding. R, who may not have quite reached the point you have, is probably wishing he hadn't answered the door when J came a'callin'. [Wonder why he did?]

Yet there's hope for all of you. You and R have to remember that the next great -- and real -- romance might be just around the corner. J may be a special guy, but he's not the only special guy.

And maybe until he's ready to settle down or meets that certain someone, J should stick to being friends with couples.

Crush on a Bartender

I have a big crush on a bartender at a local bar. He seems to be attracted to me as well. Neither of us have partners. But I'm afraid if it doesn't work out or even if it does and we break up, it'll be awkward to see him all the time. If the sex is lousy it will be even more awkward. What should I do? RP.

First, remember that one of the big perks of being a bartender is all the customers you have to choose from for potential sex partners. That may be all this guy is after, so don't start planning your life together just yet. Chances are he's tricked with several of the customers already. (Or it may be that he's reluctant to do so for the very same reasons you mention.) Second, even if the two of you have great sex and even become an item, it doesn't mean that you won't remain friendly even if ultimately one or both of you realizes the other is not the Man of Your Dreams. I know bartenders who are still friends with ex-lovers who regularly come into the bar where they work. While I recognize your concerns, one shouldn't pull back from an enjoyable episode or a relationship just because things may not work out in the long run -- no one would ever date!

If your chief feelings for this guy are sexual, and he suggests you get together, why deprive yourself of a possible good time? All of us have tricked one time or another with someone we might run into regularly and while it can be temporarily awkward if the evening wasn't so successful for one reason or another, it's easy enough to get past it. The other guy is probably hoping you won't talk about it just as much as you're hoping he'll keep it to himself. Some day you'll both laugh about it!

If your feelings for the guy are romantic, a sexual episode may be just the thing to take the edge off and to help the both of you get to know each other a little better -- as long as you remember it's just casual [and safe!] sex. But be cautious! He may be of the "fuck 'em and forget 'em" variety. If he's especially attractive he probably has lots of guys to choose from. (Anyway, I know you're not in love with this guy or you wouldn't care about any of this -- you'd just want to get your hands on him, literally and figuratively!)

Another thing to remember is that some bartenders (and customers) are flirtatious with virtually everyone. It's part of their personality or a way of getting tips. If you proposition him you might find out he's not very serious. Better to let him make the first move. (In my experience most bartenders are not bashful about going after who they want.)

That being said -- nothing ventured, nothing gained. I hope I've helped a little in helping you decide whether or not you should go home with this guy, assuming one day he'll ask.