Dr. Bill is Back

Had to deal this past month with some personal issues, as well as finishing up a new book, but I hope to maintain a regular schedule [now where have we heard that before] and deal with the back log asap. Thanks for reading, and thanks for your questions.

Staying Friends with a Lover

Hi Bill,

I am 51, male and always knew I had an attraction to males.   Never had any relationship.  Just some encounters, all the time also trying to convince myself I was into girls as well.   I met a guy who manages a house next to mine and we became friends.  I eventually initiated sexual activity with him and he gladly accepted.  we became emotionally close.  He eventually has the maturity to talk to me to let me know he was feeling too attached to me and we had to stop having any sexual relations.  He felt constrained and was afraid of any relationship.  We agreed but kept on having the odd sexual romp.  We have said a few times now that we will not carry on but then we do.  Now, the last time we REALLY decided we would stop.   He has had other encounters during the time we had been testing these waters (8 months).  He says he does NOT want any relationship and I believe him but am having a very difficult time letting go and just being friends.  I am feeling that I might love and be In love with him but not sure.  How do I let it go while keeping my sanity and not driving him away from being a good friend?? Never had any gay relationships before and have failed at all female ones and so I am feeling that I will never find IT.  Can you advise??

Thanks,

My advice is to forget about this guy -- as difficult as that sounds -- and find someone who feels the same about you as you do about him. Not always easy, I know, but it is very, very difficult to be mere "friends" with someone you may be in love with, all the while hanging out with him and hoping things -- or his attitude towards you -- will change. If he's just a fuck buddy -- a friend you have sex with on occasion -- and not someone you have romantic feelings for, that's one thing, but if your heart is caught up with the sex and friendship, it's a different story.

51 is not old. [Hell, I know guys in their seventies who are still cruising, dating, and getting laid!]. Join some gay dating sites like silver daddies or bearwww and you'll find lots of perfectly nice and attractive fellows who are looking for love, sex or both. [Some of these guys are Out and Proud, and others are discreet and closeted.]

I know -- believe me, I know -- how difficult it is to get hung up on a certain fellow, but it's better to be happier with someone new than miserable and uncertain with someone who, ultimately, may not be right for you or vice versa. Take heart -- I know a guy who only just came out of the closet [after being married for decades] and within a couple of months he had a boyfriend!

You never know!

Possibly Gay Boyfriend?

The relationship with my boyfriend is four months long, and I did not feel him as [being] gay when I first met him. And it was about three months ago that I first learned the possibility of men cheating on women with other men, closeted, from dad (He just explained the term "downlow" to me). One day my bf and I went to a restaurant, and there was an obviously gay guy as an waiter, and during and at the end of our meal, he constantly tried to talk with my boyfriend. After the waiter asked several questions and got the information about my boyfriend's profession, he said he was a florist, that he wanted to give his contact information in case my bf needs flowers. My bf agreed to share contact info, saying, "Since I have a gf, I am interested", and they gave each other's numbers. I read in some books that gays can spot other gays and became skeptical about my bf's sexuality since this incident.

My bf has high energy, soft voice and is effeminate, sensitive-emotional, smart- all the features colleagues who turned out to be gays had when I went to college. And not long after me getting confused of his sexuality, I asked him first how he feels about gay guys in general, and he just calmly answered that those guys are needed for balancing the number of the population by not making kids. I asked if he was a gay, and he said, "Every guy has a fantasy about sleeping with men [no they don't -- Bill], but I haven't slept or dreamed about sleeping with a man. It is not first time I was asked, though. My mom questioned me if I was gay, and several other people did. But I feel angry because I am not gay, I always dreamed to be with one woman in my life and had 5 girlfriends before you. I always wanted to have a family. I am into women." As I also learned that closeted guys deny the fact, I did not fully trust him, but part of my skepticism on his sexuality had gone at that point.

Am I being too over sensitive? or is me being skeptical about those things reasonable? I am not willing to waste time with him if he is gay or closeted, but as he is saying he is not gay and as I did not find the certain clues for him to be gay and do like him, I am trapped and cannot break up with him unless I find out certain clues. I haven't slept with him, and he knows that I am a virgin. Is there a possibility that he is just keeping me on the side to get into my pants someday for he is curious about sex with a virgin when he is gay?

Thanks in advance. 

[This correspondent also mentioned an incident when she thought two men might have been having sex in her boyfriend's bedroom when he insisted it was really his sister and her boyfriend. She also found sanitary napkins in his glove compartment which he also said were his sister's.]

Well, to start with, I don't know how many gay guys, closeted or not, want to have sex with a female virgin, but this guy could be, or at least think of himself as being, bisexual. It's quite possible that he's been telling you the truth about everything, and you suspect he's gay because he fits some of the stereotypes about gay men that you've grown up with. 

Just because a gay waiter might have been trying to drum up business [I assume you meant the waiter has a flower business on the side?] or even been flirting with your boyfriend, doesn't mean your boyfriend is gay. He might have taken the guy's contact information to be polite. He did make it clear he had a girlfriend. 

To be honest with you, there are  -- even in this more enlightened day and age -- quite a few men of all ethnic backgrounds who are on the "down low," but nothing your boyfriend has said or done makes it absolutely certain.

No offense intended, but I do have to wonder why a straight guy nowadays who's had five girlfriends before you is content to have a girlfriend who's a virgin. That's the one thing that raises a red flag with me. Does he have some religious convictions against sex before marriage? 

Since you are not being intimate with the guy, and I suspect neither of you have made a firm commitment to the other, this is what we would call casual dating. Keep seeing the guy if you like him-- date other guys as well -- and see if anything else comes up that bothers you, then ask him about it again. In the meantime, check out by post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay.

Dealing with Self-Hatred

Dear Dr Bill,

I am a gay Man.  I am 44 years old, I have a wonderful Civil Partner whom I love, however I am not

Happy, I want to be straight, I want to be on equal footing with straight men, I don't want people asking me if I am gay, I act straight all the time; I am careful never to let my guard down, I have visited Doctors for a cure. I can't believe in this day and age they can't cure Homosexuality.

If there was a pill I would have taken it years ago. All I want to know is -- why me,?I asked my doctor, and he said why not. I was staggered and furious, he said being gay is not a problem it's natural. I can't fancy women. I fancy men I even married one because I fancy men.

I do t know what to do;I have lost so many friends and hurt people because I explode with anger

if I am asked if I am Gay.

I want to know why gay men look gay, what causes it, how can I be happy. How can I make my partner happy.

You're suffering from a very bad case of what what we call internalized homophobia, and it has a lot of causes. You may have been treated badly because you're gay, you may have been raised in a very homophobic environment, have relatives who are anti-gay, or have negative feelings about your sexuality because of religious feelings. 

The first thing you have to accept is that it's okay to be gay. 

There is no "cure" for homosexuality because it is not a disease. It is perfectly natural. This isn't gay activist propaganda -- it's scientific fact. The latest research strongly suggests that we are born gay, and nothing can change it -- there is no "cause." We can pretend to be heterosexual, we can live false lives, stay in the closet, but isn't it better to accept yourself and enjoy being gay?

To answer some of your questions, most gay men do not "look" gay. Only a relatively small percentage conform to stereotypes. Some gay men fear and hate the fact that they may be obviously gay, while others embrace it, have fun with it, develop an inner toughness that deals with the fact that many people will assume or know they are gay without being told. 

Whether you're obviously gay or not, once you accept that there is absolutely nothing wrong in being gay, you won't care if people assume, know, or ask if you are. You won't be ashamed and you won't care. That's the great benefit of Gay Pride. 

Another important point is that you've been lucky enough to find a partner. I know a great many gay men with partners and husbands and boyfriends, but I also know a lot who are single and wish they weren't. Many of those single guys have negative feelings because they're lonely, but if you are in a relationship with someone whom you say you love and is wonderful, then what exactly is the problem? You have someone to share your life with. Do you think there's something horrible and inferior and "diseased" about this man you love? I hope not. So why feel that way about yourself?

You have swallowed a lot of society's negative feelings about gay people, and need to get past it. If there's a gay/LGBT center in your city, see if they do counseling; perhaps a gay or gay-friendly therapist could help you feel better about yourself. You not only owe it to yourself to change your negative and frankly outdated attitudes, but to your partner. 

Best of luck!