Bisexual Boyfriend?

Hi Dr. Bill,

My boyfriend of two years is 57, and I am a 49 y/o female. We've recently had a large 'bump' in our relationship. I have seen questionable behavior from him in the past, but most recently in the last few months.

At first glance, one would think he was a very masculine alpha male type. He even calls himself an alpha male. However, there are things about him which I question, especially since our recent 'bump in the road.' Up until last month everything seemed pretty great as far as him being happy with me. On the other hand, I had a few questions that I couldn't bring myself to ask him. He has always told me how wonderful I was using phrases like "pure as the driven snow." This is not true, btw. It seems torturous for him to say the words, "I love you." He'll go months without saying it, and when he does he tacks on phrases like "I love you to pieces." Sex is a very physical thing with him. He always talks nasty, and has never told me he loved me during the act. He does make sure I climax though.
Please excuse my ignorance, but I don't know bi-sexual 'behavior' if there is such a thing. I just know he isn't like any other man I've dated. Any one of these behaviors wouldn't raise an eyebrow, but more of them seem to keep appearing. He cooks chef-like meals, he knows designer labels, he has effeminate gestures, he purses his lips, he's very concerned about his looks, and his ear used to be pierced. All of this is nothing really, but there are a few things that worry me.

He calls a lot of guys 'fags', 'bisexual' or 'homosexual'. He is the most sexual man I have ever experienced, it's like anything goes, he has introduced me to 'snowballing' which I had never even heard of, and when I pleasure him orally he throws his legs up over his head. I think he wants me to stimulate him rectally, which I am not interested in at all. He has tried to do that to me, and I don't like it. He said he wants to do me anal. 

About two months before our little 'bump' the effeminate behavior really intensified. At times, he would act SUPER feminine, and even changed his deep voice to a high pitched voice while acting like a girly girl. Now, I wonder if he was testing me to see my response. Maybe he wanted to tell me something? He has genius level intelligence and makes over $300k/yr. When he's traveling he usually doesn't call me at night the way he always does when he is at home.

Anyway, he seemed more than happy with me (and himself) until a month ago when all of a sudden, like a ton of bricks, he won't call me, answer the phone, or respond in any way for several days. When he finally responded, he gave a truly bogus excuse for doing this (I am suddenly terrible now). He did start emailing a little here and there. But, he's going on back to back business trips, which he hasn't done since January. He wants to get back together, but I don't want to if he's bi. Everything is great when it's great which is most of the time. But I hate when he travels, because it's like he just disappears. I know he goes out partying when he is on trips, because he said he does. We NEVER go out partying together. It's like he has a double life. I'm the comfy/cozy half, then he has his 'other life.' We live an hour apart.

In my 49 years, I had never had anyone want to kiss me after a blowjob. He really loves it, licking all of it up. Then, the 'legs over the head' thing. I had never seen a man do that. Then, all the feminine gestures lately just put me over. Now, everything else that was ever the least bit questionable seems to make sense. It scares me because he really does treat me better than anyone has. I also do wonder if he would have a need to be with men if he was bi. Our sex life is phenomenal, but I have no experience with this.

One other thing. He has tons of female friends who feel comfortable calling him for 'relationship advice.' He has only a few male friends, none of which live close.

How do I confront him about this, or, what is your opinion on his 'behaviors?'
Thank you for your time.

Okay, there's nothing really that positive here to indicate whether or not this man is into guys. [Read the post "Boyfriend with Secrets"  and you'll see the difference.] Your boyfriend acts campy at times, apparently thinks it's cute to imitate stereotypical homosexuals [the girly girl business], is interested in a greater variety of sexual acts than the men you've known before, but none of that means he's gay or bi. I admit most men -- especially straight men -- don't want to kiss someone who has just given them a blow job, but it's not positive proof of anything, although his licking his own semen is admittedly a little suspect. Surely you know that cooking skills, pierced earrings, and the other things you mention are not clues to gayness; there are as many straight guys who are into that stuff as there are gay men who aren't. And there are straight men who are into analism, even if it's not that prevalent.

In general when most men want to "come out" to someone they don't do it by acting all effeminate -- why would they? However, when you consider that he refers to gay men as "fags" and frequently refers to men as being gay or bisexual [in, I assume, a disparaging manner] that could indicate that he has a problem with gay men. It could be that he's hiding something or is a repressed homosexual, but it's also possible that he has some deep-rooted heterosexual insecurities; he's afraid people think he's gay.

By the way, according to the latest theories, truly bisexual men don't have to have sex with men. It's gay guys who have to have sex with men.

I suggest that you tell him of your concerns because you can't go forward with this guy when you have these doubts. Don't accuse him of anything -- just tell him you're curious and need him to be honest. In person is better than in a text or on the phone. You can lead off by telling him you have a gay or bi friend who is conflicted, and see his reaction. If you make your questions part of a general discussion he won't feel cornered.

Good luck!

Boyfriend with Secrets

Hi.....ok where do I start? Been with my boyfriend for 10 years....we have 2 children together. Recently I had been feeling like he was acting funny... distant. I thought he may be cheating with a woman, a man never crossed my mind at this point. So I put an app on his phone that would allow me to listen to his phone calls. I received a notification that he called a strange # I didn't know. I called it and a man answered....I hung up thinking phew he's not cheating. I listened to the phone call later in the evening and it was him calling this random guy using terms like glad u can host....asking him which positions he preferred....he was very explicit with his words. Told the guy he would love to meet up for sex.... that he was bisexual and he had a girlfriend (me) and he had to plan around me. I immediately confronted him. Told him I had him on record. He told me its not what I think and he was told by guys he works with if he called this guy and pretended to be gay when he got to his house there would be females there and he could pick one. He said he wanted one for a 3some for "us" -- a girl that is. So I called the guy and explained to him that I was his girlfriend and I heard the conversation between them. I told him what my boyfriend said about the guys at work giving him his number and asked him about these "girls" He apologized ,said he felt really bad and said he met him on an adult website and that there were no girls. He laughed actually and said that was completely untrue. When I confronted my boyfriend that I had spoken with him he got angry and denied being bisexual. I also told him he said he met him on an adult website he said a guy at work let him use his profile to talk to him so he could get "the girls".....I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. I know he's lying but my question to you is he is clearly caught red handed and still denies it, do I just accept this? He says I made it up. What scared me is in the conversation he said he had a 3 yr hook up and it was his first bareback experience.....he quoted it as "great....a whole 'nother ball game" and told this guy he doesn't even know that he'd like to have bareback sex with him and he said he's a bottom. That's scary with aids now a days. Why won't he just admit it???? I feel violated and deceived. I can't trust him. He did tell the guy on the phone that he is very discreet and "nobody knows and that's the way he likes it." Will he never admit this to me out of pride? Please help.....I just do not understand. :( 

What you've got here is a man who is attracted to other men -- and obviously acting upon those feelings -- and is deeply ashamed of it. There is often a disconnect between a man's true sexual orientation and how he identifies. [Some people have wrongly asserted that there are "straight" men who seek sex with other men, but unless we're dealing. on occasion, with victims of childhood sexual abuse, that's simply not true.] Your boyfriend probably doesn't think of himself as gay or bisexual because he has a girlfriend and children, is living a straight life [the one that's out in the open, at least], and sees himself as a man who can "pass" [as straight], not realizing that this is the case with most gay men -- most are not effeminate and flamboyant.

I obviously don't need to tell you that you can't believe anything your boyfriend is telling you, because you've already caught him in so many lies. Do you just accept this? Absolutely not. Guys like this often think they're not cheating if they're having sex with guys, but he is cheating, and lying about it besides. Why won't he admit it? In my experience guys like this usually tell the men they're involved with -- or at least having sex with -- that they like women [if for no other reason than to feel somehow superior or more macho] but they rarely if ever tell the women in their lives that they go with other men. Often these men are not truly bisexual in any case -- their behavior is bisexual [they go with both men and women] but they can't even allow themselves to admit that their preference may be men or that they are basically gay. They are full of self-loathing over their homosexual feelings.

Which brings us to the business with bare-backing, which is anal sex without a condom. This is risky behavior for a top, let alone a bottom, and again, it indicates a severe self-loathing, a lack of regard for himself, his sex partners and especially you.

This man needs therapy or counseling to help accept himself. You can not "accept" this situation if for no other reason than your own health is at risk, not to mention your emotional well-being. With the situation you've got now, it will be impossible to build upon a relationship with a man so obviously conflicted, dishonest, and apparently geared towards men if he's honest with himself. Insist that he be honest with you and discuss it in a non-judgmental way.

You have a right to be with a man who isn't keeping secrets from you. There have been women who let their gay or bisexual lovers have their little side flings from time to time, but count me among those who don't think that this arrangement, especially in this day and age, is fair to anyone -- especially when the man is into barebacking.

Boyfriend with Gay Past

Dear Bill
I'm a woman. My 33 year old boyfriend of 6 months recently admitted to me that when he was a preteen, him and 2 of his best friends would masturbate together, rub on each other, and give each other oral. This happened for over a year. He also just admitted that 2 years ago him and one of his friends went to a hotel, got drunk and blew each other. He claims his friend didn't *** in his mouth, i think he did. He also said his friend licked his but, but he didn't have any anal sex. He said he didn't like it and did it only cuz he was curious about trying it as an adult and it made him know for sure he is not gay. But is this true? Especially considering he was in homosexual relations for over a year as a kid?

We have good sex and He loves kissing me and going down on me and all. He does want anal but i said not until we're married. but he's super clingy, emotional, and insecure about our relationship and my faithfulness. But he's also super macho guy and kind of homophobic so this info caught me by surprise.

I'm trying to be supportive and believe him since he told me something he hadn't told anyone else. But should I worry? Him and his 2 childhood friends are still buddies. he said they don't ever talk about it but he thinks his friends do think about it sometimes. but he said his hotel friend stopped contacting him after a while. Seems like he still wanted contact. These are all men in straight relations now. 2 are married. I'm just worried he's still curious but would not admit it but might do something about it behind my back. What should I do and how can I know he's for sure straight? 

Well, to be blunt this guy doesn't sound totally straight. Some kids may "experiment" in a homoerotic fashion, but it's usually maybe one or two incidents, not over and over and over again. And his recently going to a hotel room with a guy for sex -- never mind how drunk he was -- is another red flag. His homophobia is an even bigger red flag.

To be honest, he sounds like a guy who definitely has homosexual leanings but is fighting them because he's ashamed, or because he thinks only stereotypically "swishy" guys can really be gay [not true; most gay men don't fit the stereotypes]. There are many homosexual men who are basically living straight lives with girlfriends, wives and children and who seek sex with men even as they try to deny their true nature to themselves and everyone else. He is at the very least bisexual, but the thing is that bisexual men are often bi in their activities [they have sex or relationships with both men and women] but in their heart of hearts their preference is often men. The trouble is that most of these guys just can't admit it to themselves.

Men like this are often clinging and possessive and insecure with the women in their lives, because they need these women to prove to themselves and others that they are essentially heterosexual. Sadly, this is generally not the case.

I would suggest a long, non-judgmental talk with your boyfriend, as I suspect there's a lot more going on [in his mind, if nowhere else] than he's telling you. He might need counseling or therapy from a gay or gay-friendly therapist.