Gay or Just Stereotypical?

Dear Bill, I've recently started seeing a guy from my work, let's call him Joe, and I'm having suspicions that he is gay. A few people at work have also thought he was gay including an openly gay man who was surprised when he asked Joe if he was gay to hear that he wasn't and responded by saying he is usually right with his "gaydar." Joe has also admitted to having a good gaydar. In addition to that clue, he also sits with his legs crossed, tries to give me fashion advice when we go shopping (but also complains that I take too long in the store), he was the lead in his high school musicals, he watches dancing shows on tv, he refers to his best friend as his heterosexual life partner (his friend is married to a woman), and when I told him that he and his friend look like a gay couple, he said that a lot of people say that and they've just accepted it. He also says "I'm so gay haha" when he does something gay, such as give me fashion advice, he also is close friends with a gay man who he used to work with. He admits to thinking certain men are attractive, but he says that more about girls; he's been in two long term relationships with women and has no trouble having sex, and is actually constantly horny. I have not asked him about any gay desires or relationships. But I asked him why he thinks people think he is gay and he responded "because I don't care what other people think of me and I'm flamboyant and I sit with my legs crossed." I don't know if I should confront him on a more serious level, because it's all been joking so far, and he is ok with joking about being gay, and I am uncomfortable with looking through his messages. Please give me your opinion, I don't know what to think.

I think you and "Joe" both need to stop stereotyping gay [and straight?] men. I don't know if this guy is gay but it sounds just as likely to me that he's a straight guy who simply rings some gay-stereotype bells, and I personally can't wait until all of society, gay and straight, has gotten past them. I'm a gay man and I never give fashion advice, don't cross my legs in a feminine manner, can't stand those awful dancing shows on TV, and wouldn't have been caught dead being the lead in a musical in high school. Since this is true of many of the gay men of my acquaintance, it is entirely possible that the opposite is also true and this guy really is hetero. You have to remember that not all male fashion designers, musical comedy stars, or even hairdressers are gay; in fact, most aren't. Frankly, Joe doesn't do himself or anyone else [especially gay men] any favors when he goes on about being "so gay" just because he's giving fashion advice and the like. Most gay men couldn't give a shit about ladies or men's fashions. Most of us are just average Joes -- pun intended -- that happen to be gay. Those stereotypical gay men who are effeminate and go on about fashion and divas may seem to be everywhere, but they are only one small portion of the large gay male community.

That being said, "Joe" could still be homosexual [or perhaps bisexual, if you want to get technical, in that he dates/sleeps with women] but only he knows for sure. Check my post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay for more advice.

Gay -- or Exhausted?

I'm very concerned and I want an opinion from a professional, instead of my silly girlfriends. We are both in our early twenties. We've been together for  a couple of years. He is a wonderful man, and I love him in a way I can't put in words. He's like the family I've never had. 

Recently, we've had some rough patches. Money is way tight and it's put quite a lot of stress on our relationship. He works long hours and comes home cranky and demoralized. I really try and make home a safe and warm place for him, but it doesn't seem to help. (I wonder if he is depressed.)

 

Our sex life has DIED. I'm still very much enjoying my youth. I want sex every day or at least every other day. He says he is happy with it twice a week, but we can go WEEKS without him touching me intimately. It never really was as freaky or as frequent as I liked it but, I'm at the point where I will take ANYTHING. I'm also very resentful, because he will have me pleasure him and will not return the favor! Selfish! [You can say that again!]

I've tried everything in the book to turn him on like before, but nothing works. What am I doing wrong? It's taken a huge toll on my self-esteem and makes me feel vulnerable to the advances of other men. I've been told by male confidants quite frankly that they will give me what I'm not getting. Sucks. I only want to have relations with my baby.

Also, I am worried he is bisexual/gay. I'm an openly bisexual woman myself (2 on the Kinsey Scale I've recently learned!) and I'd be accepting if he only was honest with himself. Here are a few facts. 

He says he has never had relations with men. His mother thought he was gay for the longest. I introduced him to his prostate, and he loves how it feels. He watches ALOT  of porn. He wants me to buy a strap on. And, he made a strange comment that he was a girl with a penis. I believe he was trying to turn me on. Didn't work. If I wanted to be with a woman I would be, but I'm with a man.... I think [even if he's gay or bi he's still a man].

I'm so hurt. I have a vagina and I want to be with a guy that can appreciate it. I don't want a dick. Pardon, my language. This is very emotional for me. So, are my fears unfounded? Is there a way to communicate without him getting defensive? Is this penis obsession gay or just another part of fluid human sexuality? Is he transgender??

Any help would be a blessing.

Sincerely,

Horny with a Broken Heart

 

"Horny," there are a great many reasons why a guy suddenly loses interest in having sex with his wife or girlfriend. It could be depression or extreme fatigue, he could be having an affair, he could have a low sex drive or even be basically asexual. So let's concentrate on the remarks he made that make you think he might be gay or bisexual: the strap-on, the "girl with a penis"  etc. I can see why these might make you wonder, though in of themselves they're not enough to go on, as I don't know the context and he could have been joking. Why did his mother think he was gay? Are you his first girlfriend [of course he's not all that old].

Some of his remarks might indicate that he's still finding himself when it comes to his sexuality. He might not be able to answer your questions because he doesn't know the answers himself.  Although there's no way I could be certain about this, there is always the possibility that he's a gay man who is nervous about sexual experiences with other men and wants to try certain things with his girlfriend first. If you haven't already, read my post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay. Then consider talking to him about his sexuality. You can start the conversation by asking how he feels about gay people and take it from there. Has he ever had sexual thoughts about men, or had a homosexual encounter? Make sure he's relaxed and lead him into it. The conversation may flow more easily than you imagine. It might turn out that he needs counseling or therapy, whether he's gay or not.

There's also the possibility of the two of you going in for couples therapy or counseling.

In any case, a couple at any age should have and deserve a healthy sex life, and if the main problem turns out to be that he's lost interest in sex [with you and with anyone] then he should get a complete physical exam, and if necessary, a psychological one. 

But take heart. As you yourself suggested, this may be a simple matter of a man who is depressed by money troubles and exhausted by too many hours of work. Given time, it may work itself out. And by all means, insist that he return the favor when you do  engage in sexual activity and not just let you pleasure him. It's the least he can do. 

Best of luck.

De Blasio's Lesbian Wife?

Democratic mayoral candidate Bill de Blasio has a wife, Chirlane McCray, who years ago wrote about being a black lesbian for Essense magazine. She doesn't identity as bisexual who fell in love with a man but says she is a "former" lesbian. Isn't she basically an "ex-gay?" Now de Blasio is running against openly gay Christine Quinn and his wife has made remarks that border on homophobia. Is de Blasio also an ex-gay or closet queen? Is this a case of two homosexuals getting married because they think they'll get farther in politics and life? 

I wouldn't doubt it, as I know such couples exist, but no one aside from the de Blasios can say for certain. 

To all intents and purposes, McCray does come off to me as an "ex-gay," even if she doesn't generally make negative pronouncements against gay people to my knowledge [although I agree that her comments regarding Ms. Quinn were highly questionable and her response to criticism about it as specious as earlier remarks concerning her sexual orientation]. 

Let's take a moment to examine a statement she made regarding her sexuality:

 “I am more than just a label. Why are people so driven to labeling where we fall on the sexual spectrum? Labels put people in boxes, and those boxes are shaped like coffins [!]. Finding the right person can be so hard that often, when a person finally finds someone she or he is comfortable with, she or he just makes it work. As my friend Vanessa says, 'It's not whom you love; it's that you love.'"

This is just the sort of thing used by self-hating homosexuals and closet cases to duck the whole [to them] odious gay issue. McCray doesn't understand that "labeling" yourself as gay is one way of expressing your pride [your lack of shame] in being gay and fighting against the oppression of the closet that has made it that much tougher over the years for gay men and women to finally have all of their rights. If you carefully examine her words you get the impression this is a mixed marriage of companionship and compromise, and hardly a union of genuine honesty and passion. In other words, a friendship that helps each person meet each other's supposed needs. McCray's reference to "boxes shaped like coffins" is also very telling, revealing that her unconscious mind thinks being gay is a dead end. This is in my opinion a woman full of severe self-hated and very negative attitudes about being a lesbian, regardless of how she may have consciously felt years before. Maybe she was very badly hurt by another woman or never met one whom she felt could help her reach her goals.  

People who claim this is a "non-issue," such as Kat Stoffel in a brief piece in New York magazine, are missing the point. In these more enlightened [but hardly totally enlightened] days of gay marriage, the fact is that sham and "mixed" marriages and "former" lesbians, harkening back as they do to feelings of shame and negativity, are very passe and tiresome indeed.