A Question of Monogamy -- and More

You've had some posts about casual sex and promiscuity and they've bothered me. If the gay community is going to find acceptance, it had better clean up its act. I'm a gay man, but I'm not a pig. Let's face it, if gay men are filthy and spread diseases, who can they blame but each other? It's not straight people giving them AIDS. Why can't gays be monogamous and then their image will improve? Anon.

Their image, huh? Your question bothers me on so many different levels that I'm not certain where to begin, but here are some points to consider.

A.) You are part of the gay community. It's not You versus Them. And you are hardly the only gay man who believes in monogamy. Look at all the couples lining up to get married. I'd bet most of them intend to have a strictly monogamous relationship. Get past the stereotypes.

B.) AIDS/HIV affects heterosexuals as well as homosexuals. It is not a "gay" disease. Let the homophobes call it that -- you certainly shouldn't.

C.) You reveal a fair amount of self-hatred when you talk about "pigs" and gay men are "filthy." To be blunt, have you not been getting any lately? This is the kind of talk I often hear from gay men who have no love or sex lives and are, frankly, jealous of those who do. Sorry to be so blunt with you but this has to be addressed. (More on this in a future post).

D.) Whether to be monogamous and faithful or have an open relationship is a personal choice made by the two parties involved. One person -- and this is equally true in straight relationships -- may prefer a monogamous relationship and the other one does not. This leads to problems when the latter partner, gay or straight, is unfaithful. But this happens in many relationships regardless of the orientation of the individuals involved.

E.) There is a big difference between a man who is sexually active but responsible, who practices safe sex, and one who is unsafe and irresponsible. This is true of straight people as well as gay. Being sexually active does not necessarily add up to being "promiscuous," or a "sex addict" or someone who sleeps with anything that moves and is irresponsible in their sexual practices and choices. Not everyone wants to be monogamous, and I see no reason why all gay men should do so just to supposedly be accepted by a society that will hate them anyway whether they have sex with one man or many men. It is foolish to believe that if all gay people got married, adopted children, and lived monogamous relationships in the suburbs that we would find instant acceptance. Some people hate us for who we love and who we have sex with, and being "monogamous" would not change that. (And who on Earth says that all straight couples are monogamous? What a joke!)

F.) There's more to be said on this whole matter, but I'll save it for future posts.