Daddies -- or not!

What exactly is a daddy? I'm completely confused as to how old a man is supposed to be before he's considered a daddy? Thank you. 

The term "daddy" was originally meant to be a gay man who was also a senior citizen, that is a man who is either retired or on social security, early to mid-sixties or older. It was separate from the term "sugar daddy" -- a man with bucks who supports a young man -- although the two can sometimes be the same. 

Now the term "daddy" has pretty much become meaningless and simply means an older man. This doesn't necessarily mean middle-aged, either. On the gay dating site Daddyhunt the "daddies" often look like 32-year-old porn stars (and often are). But guys in their twenties think of these thirty-somethings as "older men" -- in other words, daddies. Of course this is ridiculous. The site Silver Daddies and some well-known "bear" sites actually feature attractive mature men -- mature meaning at least forty and frequently older, including seniors -- but Daddyhunt is pretty much just a silly marketing tool. It's from the same people as Manhunt and isn't much different. 

I imagine in time the whole "daddy" concept will go back to what it meant originally. In any case, it's just another indication of age discrimination -- the truly older guy can't get a break. 

32-year-old "daddies" indeed!

Boyfriend's Sexuality

Hi I was wondering if you could help me with this:

I am female and was in a common law relationship with my husband for the past several years.  We have recently split up. Since the split up was a bit shocking to me and my husband has been pretty quiet to the reasoning behind it except to blame it on me, I was doing a bit of snooping to see if I could figure out why. I found a recent credit card statement that had me puzzled to a purchase so I called the toll free number to find out what it was. Turns out it is a gay/bi, guys only dating or hook up site. When calling to investigate what it was, they willingly provided me with information about the account since I had acted as if I was unaware of the charge. My husband has been a free member of the site for several years and he has been a paying member for over a year. They even provided me with the user name and email address used for the account so there is no denying it is him.

I’m sure you can imagine my shock, surprise and initial anger, but since we are still trying to work through a separation agreement I have decided to not rock the boat right now. I have taken the time to read through many of your posts and like a lot of the direction you provide people with in somewhat similar situations. That being said I think my initial anger has subsided except for the anger of involving myself, my children and our own child in this scenario when he was obviously aware of his desires at the time. I rationalize that perhaps he was still mixed with his emotions and afraid of his own feelings and therefore was hoping a new relationship/family would fix what he seems to view as a problem? With having time to think this through I can now see some of the possible “warning signs” that I obviously overlooked. He was constantly wanting me to allow him to have anal sex with me and he liked to perform anal sex with toys on himself. If this is a big enough sign? He has even stated since our break up that he has “looked into” being gay. I brushed this off as a joke at the time.

So truly my question, once the dust settles from the turmoil of our separation do I confront him on what I know now? I have no intentions of being angry with him. I am more thinking along the lines of allowing him to have someone to talk to if he so wishes. Ultimately, is it fair for me to “out” him when he probably isn’t prepared for me to know this information? But I also don’t want to hold this in and at some point blurt it out in anger…

I think it would be helpful for you to at some point have a discussion with this man regarding his sexuality. You may be right that he was conflicted and not necessarily trying to defraud you or use you as a beard. Nevertheless, he knew about his attraction to men all the while. Some men like this consider themselves bisexual -- rightly or wrongly as each case is different -- but being bi does not mean a person has to have both sexes -- in other words, cheating is cheating. When all is said and done you are well out of the relationship. I must say his blaming you for the break-up is completely unfair as he was dishonest with you on many levels. I think at some point you need to get it out in a non-judgmental fashion if for no other reason than to get closure and move on.

Woman's Boyfriend Wants Cross-Dressing Men

Dear Dr. Bill,

I've found your blog and would like to see if you can help me understand my now ex-boyfriend's sexuality. Ill try to keep long story short.. its mainly to understand where he's coming from and to have closure for me.

He is in his fifties, and I'm in my thirties. Things began well and I thought we were truly in love. Later on I started to find out he is a cheater, I've taken him back several times over the course of one year. I've found out things through his emails and texts with other women. The last time I took him back, he made me a promise that he'd be true to me because he wants to be with me. But I broke up with him yesterday because I've found out he was answering ads on Craigslist for sex, which I've caught him doing before. Except this time, he answered ads for "m4m" and "t4m".   In one email he asked a potential T/CD [crossdresser] if he has clothes because he'd like to try get dressed. I know not all CD are gay, but I think he is bi. Because in another email, he has met up with a T to get a "massage".  And I believe he wants to meet more CD who wants to have sex. 

I've always been supportive of LGBT community, him finding himself isn't my biggest issue, but it's his lies, and his multiple partners made me feel very unsafe about my sexual health. So I had to break up with him.  He of course denies all.

Can you help me to understand what he is going through? What can I say, or not say? I'm stuck between confusion and a broken heart. I love him, but he has done too much damage to me emotionally. I know this day will come, just didn't expect to be this way.  I feel hopeless, unattractive, and somewhat used.  How do I cope with this feeling, Dr. Bill?  Has any woman asked you for the same advice?  I've Googled quite a bite lately and found out a lot of women are going through the same thing.  It's always very insightful to listen to advice from the other perspective.
Thank you Dr. Bill. I hope to hear from you soon.

It sounds like I don't need to tell you that the main problem with this guy isn't whatever his sexual orientation may be but that he's sexually active with multiple partners behind your back, and isn't honest about it. It sounds like he probably lived a fairly "straight" life for most of his life and then hit middle age and decided he wanted to check out everything he'd been fantasizing about for so long while he still could. Is he gay, or at least bisexual? If he's looking for sex just with post-operative trans women that may be one thing, but if he's actively seeking sex with men [or, to put it crudely, "chicks with dicks"] that's another matter. He clearly seems to have some attraction for other men.

Open-minded you may be, but having a partner who needs to experiment with other sexual partners on a regular basis is a little too much for most people, so you were probably right in calling it quits with this guy. Especially when he lies to you about it on top of it. 

Yes, I have heard from a lot of women who feel as you do. You may well have been used, but there's no need to feel hopeless or unattractive because of it, or because of one wrong man entering and leaving your life. I would suggest coping with it by moving on, meeting new people, dating a variety of men until you meet someone honest and right for you. While it's primarily for people who have been married, the Straight Spouse Network proivides support for people who have been in "mixed" [gay/straight] relationships and feel confused and used.

Gay/LGBT resources online

Dear Bill,

Hello, my name is Joseph Atkins. I'm the webmaster and editor of the

Gay Dating Blog. We regularly compile lists about different LGBT dating,

relationship, and other social topics. Earlier today, we published a new resource:

"Top 50 LGBT Google+ Pages Worth Following". I thought you may want to have a look:

http://www.gaydatingsites.net/top-50-lgbt-google-pages-worth-following/

We would appreciate if you could link to our article if you think

that your audience may find it of interest. 

And of course, please feel free to e-mail me with any questions or

suggestions for the list.

Thanks,

Joseph Atkins // Gay Dating Blog

http://www.gaydatingsites.net/blog/

Twitter: @GayDatingNet

Thank you. This is a list of gay/LGBT web sites and resources on a variety of subjects, including activism, gay dads, children of gays, dating sites, and so on. Check it out! 

 

Gay Porn on the Computer

Hi Bill, I am worrying myself for days since I found some links to a gay porn site on my and my boyfriend's computer. We have been living together for half a year and we are in a relationship for almost five years. I have never noticed he's into men in the past. However, we haven't had sex properly in so long that I don't even remember for how long. I suspected that he is cheating on me with another woman because he is chatting with a lot of girls on his facebook profile. A few days ago I even tried to talk with him about our problem and asked him if he is gay. He replied negatively and said that we both caused the situation we are in and have to work on it in the future. I was afraid to bring up the porn site. Today I saw that he went to that site again and I asked if he was watching it. He smiled at me and said no. I noticed he's visiting that site for a few months and has a username, " ----"  that makes me think he's confused about his sexual orientation. However, every time he visited the gay site he also visited heterosexual sites. I really need some help cause I don't know how to talk to him about that.

Well there are people that will tell you that straight guys have various reasons for looking at gay porn, but the number one reason is that they aren't straight. If he has some legitimate reason for looking at gay porn, why doesn't he discuss it openly with you? I also suspect that what you refer to as a porn site is actually a gay dating site with sexy and naked pictures of men on it. If he has registered on that site and has a user name it is probably because he wants to hook up with guys for sex, the chief purpose of those sites. 

You need to confront him on this issue in a non-accusatory and non-judgmental way. He may be going back and forth from gay and straight sites to try to convince himself he isn't gay, he could be bisexual [or at least thinks he is, but remember that most bi guys have a preference and it generally isn't women], or he's simply attracted to men but has ambivalent feelings about it. Does he come from a liberal background or a conservative one? How does he feel about gay people?

I suggest you tell him that you have a friend who is afraid her boyfriend is gay. This will start a discussion without necessarily focusing on him. Or at least talk about gay marriage, a hot topic, and see what his reaction is. There are men who are secretly homosexual, who seek out male sex partners, but who are so ashamed of it that they become quite homophobic and speak out against gay people in strongly negative terms, and that's usually a red flag. So is looking at gay porn and signing up with gay sex/dating sites. And so is not having any sex with your girlfriend for a long, long time. 

Some men in this position think that they aren't cheating on their wives or girlfriends if their sex partners are male, but of course that isn't the case. You also have to be concerned about whether or not he is using condoms during his possible past or future sex hook ups.

There is a strong possibility that your boyfriend is trying to come to terms with his homosexuality, and may even be struggling to come out or find some way to talk to you about it. You can help if you can get him to open up while being sympathetic.

His coming out will probably mean the end of your relationship, but at least you'll know what's up, and in the long run both of you will be better off for it, although it may not seem that way right now.

Hacked or Lying?

Hi, I really need your advise. I went to go on my email account & my partners email account popped up and there were a few emails from gay websites. I sent an email to them saying i had forgot my password & got the password & went onto the site & there was a profile using his middle name & nickname, there was no photo, there was a little comment written that i wont repeat. I totally freaked out & went and showed him and asked him what was going on & he totally denied it & said someone else had done it & he knew nothing about it, he said he must have been hacked, I might have let it go even though i was completely suss, but a few weeks before this i saw in the history of our brand new lap top that someone had gone to the exact same gay matchmaking website, i just thought maybe it had been clicked on by mistake or something but then when i found the emails & the profile i new something wasn't right, he keeps saying he doesn't know how the history got onto the computer & that he didn't go on any site & that i should trust him & forget about it, but i cant! I don't know what to do, It's not possible for history to just appear in a computer?? and why would someone else make a profile for him?? i need some advise please 

Well, you're right that this web site wouldn't magically appear on a computer's history without someone  who's using the laptop having gone to that site. Unless there's some elaborate plot against your boyfriend, it's likely that he knows more than he's telling. [If someone wanted to create a fake account for him, they would probably have included a photo, assuming he has some posted on line, like on Facebook.] If he had come up with some explanation, however, bizarre, it would have been better than his complete denial. 

A "bi-curious" man is someone who is living a straight lifestyle who is secretly wondering if he might be gay, or at least bisexual. The problem for the women these guys get involved with is that it's hard for them [and even the guy] to know exactly what their preference is, and what straight woman wants to invest years in a relationship with a guy who may come totally out of the closet at any moment.

Your boyfriend may not necessarily think of himself as gay or bi just yet, so he clearly isn't ready to talk about it with you. Yet it's obviously something the two of you have to address at some point. If he's actively pursuing men at gay web sites, and even having sex with men, you need to know about it. [Some of these guys think it isn't cheating if their partners are male!] Closeted men looking for sex with other guys often don't post their photos on these web sites, but they can include photos in the site's private message system or in emails they send to the members. Now that he knows you're on to him, he's probably going to stay away from the site, so it will be harder to see exactly how he responds to messages from other members.

At some point you will have to sit him down in a non-judgmental way and ask him if he's struggling with his sexual identity. Be understanding and sympathetic, but firm. This affects your life as well as his. If he's gay [or a bi man whose preference is definitely men, which is the usual scenario], he needs to acknowledge it for both of your sakes so you can both move on and be happy. It's often hard for women in these situations to let go -- and they always have my sympathies -- but it's generally for the best.

The Guy That Got Away

Dr. Bill, I'm a man in my late forties and about a year ago I dated a man who was somewhat younger than me -- all right, a lot younger than me -- and he seemed to really be into me. Because of the age difference and because he was so attractive, I hung back a little and sort of let him do the pursuing. I guess I couldn't quite believe that he was really that interested in me or I was just afraid I would be seen as the desperate older man stalking the younger guy or something like that. In any case, I took my time responding to texts and phone messages and eventually I stopped hearing from him. I always hoped that we would run into each other again, but I checked out his facebook page and now he has a lover -- closer to his own age, of course. I'm happy for him , of course, but I'm left with the feeling that had I only not hung back, pursued him more ardently, I might be his lover today. I'm not even certain what I'm asking. I haven't checked out his facebook page since and I won't but I find myself thinking about him a lot. I wouldn't quite call what I feel heartache, but nonetheless it hurts. What do you think and what can I do to make this feeling of regret and loneliness go away? I don't think anyone like him will ever come my way again.

Get out of the house, join gay dating sites if you haven't already and follow up on interested parties, hit a bar that caters to men your age or mixed ages, call up some friends, have drinks or dinner and exchange war stories, commiserating over romantic misfires. Stay away from friends in happy relationships for awhile as they may only remind you of what you're missing. Have some hot consolation sex. Or hot chocolate if the former isn't available.

I have been in a similar situation, and you'll never know if the guy stopped calling you because you didn't pursue him enough, or because he just wasn't that into you when all is said and done, or if he, frankly, ultimately wanted a man in his own age group. You may never know, so forget it. Stay off his Facebook page -- you don't need to see photos of him and his lover enjoying happy domesticity. Or getting married! Believe me, you really don't need that torture.

You say that you don't think anyone like him will ever come your way again. First, you can't really know that for certain. Second, the next man you fall for [and who will hopefully fall for you] may not be as young and handsome as this guy, but he will still be "Mr. Right" if it turns out he's The Guy. You're certainly not too old to find a long-lasting relationship. [I mean I know men in their seventies who have fuck-buddies, sometimes much younger, or who have found soul-mates in their senior years -- you never know!]

Do not think of this guy as your last chance. There's always somebody interesting around the corner, you just gotta get out there and meet him. Take it from one who's been there: after awhile you won't even remember what this guy looked like [admittedly it might take a little longer than with other guys].

Good luck! 

Boyfriend with Secrets

I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years, we recently had a baby girl in November. We have plans to get married and he seems excited about it, we even got the ring together. But I had snooped on his computer and found that he had been watching tranny porn, and found a video in his trash can of him masturbating. Furious, I texted him all upset and he left work to talk to me. He said he was just super stressed and it wasn't anything. He even told me that he joined a gay dating site back in February. But he deleted it after I found out about the porn. So even more curious I looked in his email and found a email between him and some guy talking dirty to each other and exchanging numbers. He felt like crap after I confronted him about it and said if I left he wouldn't have a reason to live and that he'd want to die. But every time I ask why he made a profile for a gay dating site he just says he doesn't want to talk about it. He told me he always liked watching tranny porn because it's like a girl being in control. But I don't understand. Is he hiding something? He won't open up anymore but I don't want to waste my time if he is gay. It's not fair to me. He even said he's not attracted to men at all. What is your opinion? What do I do?

Well, he's definitely hiding something. He refuses to talk about something which is of obvious concern to you -- his joining a gay dating site, among other things -- and the erotic emails with another guy are another red flag. A guy can have fetishes, and a man can be attracted to transsexual women -- who are, after all, women, regardless of the biological state they were born in -- without being gay, but often an attraction to trans women ["tranny" is no longer considered an acceptable term], many of whom still have a penis, and especially transvestites/drag queens, is a cover-up for an attraction to men. It sounds as if your boyfriend is in a very confused state of mind and could use some counseling. Men don't join gay dating sites or send sexy emails to guys because they're "stressed out." It sounds like he has an attraction to men that he is ashamed of and fighting, but if he thinks a heterosexual marriage will change him he's being delusional. Many guys in this position are scared to death of their feelings and cling to women as a lifesaver, at the very least hoping a marriage will lend them a heterosexual facade. [His threatening suicide is probably his way of expressing panic over the possibility of being outed, or of definitely being gay.] But you're right that this isn't fair to you -- or to him.

Tell him that the two of you have really got to have a talk. Don't be judgmental. If he wants to jerk off over certain fetishes it isn't the end of the world. If he's gay, it's a lot more problematic. Be cautious if he suggests that he's bisexual, as this can often be a convenient term and a cop-out. In any case, if his preference is men then he will eventually feel quite stifled in a marriage.

This is a difficult situation which requires patience, a lot of honesty, understanding and conversation. If there is a gay or LGBT center in your city, it might be a good idea for him to drop in and discuss his feelings and various issues with a sympathetic and knowledgeable counselor.

Dating Sites for Big Guys

Dr. Bill, I am a larger guy. I am also very honest and do not want to hide things. I have decided to be upfront in my profile about my body size. This is usually one of the first things we discuss if we talk over the phone. Should I change this? I believe this is one thing that will come out especially if we meet. If my body size is going to be a deal breaker I feel this should be shared up front. I am very discouraged and feel like giving up. I have tried several dating sites with no luck. If you know of any sites that cater to older (59) men who are large I certainly would appreciate your help. Thanks.

Never give up! I have to say right off the bat that I am always seeing large guys -- be they a bit [or a lot] chubby or simply big and tall men -- being cruised in bars [especially bear bars], so I know there are plenty of admirers for larger men. And yes, even older larger men.

Be upfront about your size on any web sites. Some guys are positively turned on by large men. I used to be a lot heavier than I am now and I was always amazed at the guys who seemed to be turned on by my sheer bulk or by my belly. [When I lost weight I used to joke that I'll lose all my boyfriends, but luckily that didn't happen. There's someone for every size!]

If you lie and say that you're thin or small or what-have-you, the truth will come out when you meet face to face, so what's the point? As I say, I believe there are enough men who are into big guys of any age that there will hopefully be men who are interested.

Check your profile and see if there are any other things that might be a problem. While honesty is always the best policy, you don't have to tell them everything!

I find that big men are much admired in the bear community. Even if you're not a hairy, bearded bear type, you can still find admirers. [If hairy guys are a turn-off to you, I can also tell you that many bear sites also have smooth-skinned men on them].

You might have tried some of these sites already:

BiggerCity, the web site for gay chubby men and their admirers. And there are similar sites if you google.

Silver Daddies for older men and the men who admire them. Recommended. Lots of older guys, big guys, chubby guys etc. Something for every taste.

Bearwww.com for bears and bear admirers of all ages, types and sizes.

Bear411 Ditto. As I say, big men are appreciated in bear culture.

Good Luck!

Internet Dating -- When The Man and The Photos Don't Match

I really need some advice, Dr. Bill. I started dating guys I met on the Internet a few months ago, and more often than not that guy who walks into the bar or coffee shop looks a little -- and sometimes a LOT -- different from the photograph[s] they've posted. I try to be kind and tactful but I really find it annoying, even offensive. How do they expect to get away with it? Should I say something to these guys directly? Should I just walk out and/or pretend I don't know them? How would you handle it? Frustrated in Boston.

Well, there's a good reason why I prefer to meet the men I date in person in a bar, at a party, or some other social situation. I have been in just the situation you describe and it is never pleasant or easy. Here are some thoughts on guys who don't match their pictures.

1.) Some people photograph differently from the way they actually look. They're not trying to pull a fast one; it's something they can't control. Sometimes, happily, an attractive man is simply not "photogenic" and looks better in real life than in their photos, which is a happy surprise. Not so happy when it's the other way around.

2.) On Internet dating sites people naturally try to put their best face forward. Some make the mistake of using shots that are a little too flattering. [Maybe we should all use our Department of Motor Vehicle photos and our dates will all be happily surprised when they meet us. On second thought, if we all did that we'd never get dates.] Some men don't have a great "sense of self" [or are delusional] and they don't realize they're sending an inaccurate impression of themselves. Some people don't update their photos for years because they honestly don't believe they've changed [and boy are they wrong!] That's fine for DMV photos, but not for dating sites.

3.) Then we have people who are [dis]honestly perpetrating fraud. They know perfectly well they look nothing like their photo. Oh, sure, you can recognize them, but they've put on fifty pounds, gone gray, shaved the beard, gone bald etc. etc. I believe you've fallen victim to these jokers.

Guys post old photographs for the simple reason that they feel no one will contact them if they don't. They figure most of us are too polite to say anything when they show up looking ten years older and fifty pounds fatter. They're convinced that they're so nice, so witty, so sexy [hot in bed without being hot-looking] that once we meet them in the flesh we'll completely overlook their flaws and even hop into the sack with them that very night. Of course they're dead wrong. They're almost a kind of predator, frankly.

How should you handle it? Do what I do. I have a drink or two and if the conversation flows, if I'm having fun, I figure at least it will be a pleasant enough evening, if not a sexy one, and I may stay awhile (but never too long). If the conversation doesn't flow and I'm bored I finish my drink quickly and I'm out of there. I can't worry about hurt feelings. They created the whole false situation in the first place, not me.

While thank goodness I've never been in this situation, if a guy shows up who looks nothing like his photo -- I mean you really have trouble figuring out who he is and wondering where he came from -- say good-night quickly. Even if you come to realize that it's the right person [but the change is so dramatic, say a thin guy of thirty now looking like an obese man of sixty] you have an absolute right to walk out. And if it's a completely different person, say the roommate of the guy you wanted to date, you also have an absolute right to walk out. Go, go, go, baby.

These guys are just wasting your time and mine and even their own. The thing is, nowadays people go for all kinds of types, including the follically challenged [like me], the morbidly obese [whom I see being cruised all the time], anything and everyone. We can feel sorry for fellows like these who post seriously out-dated and misleading photographs, but we also have a right to date the person we see on the web site, not a "bizarro duplicate" [like out of the Superman comics].

We can't all be young, slender, pretty boys, so we should just be ourselves, eh?

Bar Alternatives

Hello, It has occurred to me that there are limited networking options for gay men who have outgrown going out and getting wasted every weekend. Most networking sites seem to cater for those with a ‘party lifestyle’. Not that I have anything against either drugs or partying, but I feel the offering is somewhat one-sided. Which is why I have set up a new social networking site: www.overthescene.com. Because it has just launched, the amount of members and content is still small. But I plan to post new topics for discussion every day and hope that more and more people will join and do the same! If you like the idea, maybe you can write about it on your blog, or we can exchange links? Bas

While I have not outgrown going out now and then and getting -- well, I wouldn't exactly say I get wasted but I've never been a teetotaler (I do have something against drugs but not necessarily alcohol in moderation) -- I understand that many gay men are not only not into that scene, but find it difficult to make friends and form relationships in bars. So I'm happy to mention your new site (which, unfortunately for New Yorker me, is based in the UK), and wish you a lot of luck with it.

In general, people can find sex and "bar friends" in bars and that's it. Bar friends are people you may have known for many years, but while you pick up things about them over time, you never really know them all that well. You may never learn their last name (or remember it), you probably don't exchange phone numbers or arrange to meet outside the bar. You're acquaintances rather than friends, although sometimes you can develop a real affection and even a closeness for bar friends.

There are exceptions. I have met people in bars who have turned into real genuine friends that I talk to and see outside of the bar. I know people who have met their future partners at a bar. But generally ...?

Still, bars are fun for those who enjoy the scene. And they're fine for casual sex (although you should never get so drunk that you forget to or cannot use a condom). In my experience -- although even here there are exceptions -- if you go out looking to get lucky you'll just have a good time. If you go out just to have a good time, you'll probably get lucky. But who knows?

Me, I hope I never outgrow the bar scene or my love of partying, but I'm glad that alternatives are developing for those who want and need them.

Watch Out for That Man With a Wife

What percentage of men on gay dating sites would you say have wives and children? Z.

I wouldn't doubt that it's at least 10% and possibly as high on some sites as 25% or more. Even with all the recent scandals a la Larry Craig and Jim McGreevey, people still don't realize how many so-called "family" men are privately homosexual and still deep in the closet even in this day and age. And they're not all Republicans. Some of these men are at least "out" to some gay friends or at least their tricks (sex partners). There is probably a higher percentage on line than in bars because some of these guys won't go into a gay bar, afraid they might run into someone who will recognize them and gossip. Especially if they live in a smaller city.

Some of these guys are honest about their marital status and refer to themselves as "married bi's," preferring to have people think they're simply "hip" swingin' bisexuals than the pathetic out-of-date closet cases most of them really are. If a gay guy -- (I use the word "gay" to denote Out and Proud or at least a self-accepting gay person as opposed to a self-hating homo) wants to have a quickie with one of these guys, that's his business, but he should never expect anything more from him than a quick lay. As the cliche goes: they never leave their beards, I mean, wives.

There are occasional exceptions. Some of these men are finally coming to accept themselves as homosexuals and getting tired of leading double lives. They're not quite ready to come out of the closet yet and live an open gay life, but they do want to meet people. Hopefully some of the men they meet on these sites will convince them that it's okay to be gay.

Some gay men, myself included, have felt it necessary on some sites to add a note to our profiles saying, in effect, that we're not interested in dating guys with wives. One man explained on his profile that these married guys often suffered from guilt feelings and who needs the hassle? You want to meet a nice guy to either date, screw, or maybe even have a relationship with, not these f--kers who -- when it comes to Gay Pride -- are still roaming with the dinosaurs.

Not all men on these sites are honest (big news, right?). But in general you can have a good idea of whether someone is married and/or deeply in the closet by whether or not they post a photograph of their face. (Okay, some guys feel their face is not their best feature, or are a bit shy about the Internet etc., but they should at least offer to send a facial shot once you've both sent a few private messages back and forth.) Who can tell if you're going to find a guy attractive if all you can see is a picture of their penis? We're not all "size kings."

However, some of these guys post their pictures anyway. As I've said in other posts, a sixth sense can help in telling you if the guy is being upfront about his situation or not. Is he forthcoming, is he free with his name and email, what he does and so on, or is he sly and secretive? Is his profile practically blank -- nothing about his life, his work, his interests? Either he's incredibly uninteresting or he's hiding something.

One big indicator. If he says "I'm not into a gay scene" he probably isn't. Oh, he's homosexual, all right, he's just not "gay."

Listen, I don't want to discourage anyone from using Internet dating sites because they're afraid every guy they meet will turn out to be married.

The vast majority of men on these sites are gay, baby, gay!

Finding Mr. Right

Hi. My name is J. I recently came out or should I say all my family said we know, J, you don't have to tell us, we know. Now that I am out I don't know what to do. I want to be in a relationship but it seems that every guy that I have seen wants a quicky, but I want a long-term relationship. I am from the south and am a hopeless romantic and it seems that I've lost hope in finding Mr. Right. Do you have any ideas on finding someone looking for the same thing I am. Thanks, J.

I could be wrong but I have the feeling you're a pretty young guy, so I wouldn't give up hope just yet on finding Mr. Right. That's still the case even if you're middle-aged or older. Finding and falling in love with the right person (and vice versa) takes time. Even when you think you may have found the right guy, it still takes time to fall deeply and maturely in love with someone. Many people confuse romantic infatuation and sexual attraction with love, but love takes much longer to grow and bloom. It's possible that the guys you meet who want quickies are a bit scared off by your obvious need for a lover -- give them time to get to really know you before you start talking about love and commitment. "Hopeless romantics" can often fall in love simply with the idea of being in love. Slow down and things may move faster, if you know what I mean.

It's also true that each person is ready for a committed relationship at a different time in his life. In your case you may have to face the fact that if you're fresh out of the closet you may not be quite ready for a relationship just yet. What's the hurry? Sow a little wild oats and see what's out there before tying yourself down. Some people want to be in a long-term relationship while they're still in their twenties, and others aren't ready until they're over fifty. However, nowadays there are gay guys only in their twenties who are living together, getting married, making a commitment to one another for a lifetime. So guys who are looking for love and long-term relationships, as you are, are out there, believe me!

Where do you find them? Probably not in bars. If your city has any kind of gay center you might investigate if there are social groups for men of your age. There you can get to know someone over time in an atmosphere that isn't strictly sexual, as it often is in bars. Sometimes the friendships you make in these groups can blossom into love. There are also different kinds of gay social groups on the Internet and there's a possibility of making a connection there with someone in your city. While you have to exercise caution, there is also a possibility of meeting Mr. Right on a gay dating site -- it's happened. Check out various sites and make it clear that you are looking for a serious relationship and not just sex. (Remember that sex -- safe sex -- is part of the dating process. That doesn't mean you have to hop into bed with a guy on the first date, but eventually you'll both want to see if you're compatible.) You may have to meet and date several guys before finding the one who's just right for you, and who will hopefully feel the same.

If you decide to go the Internet dating route, be as honest and as thorough as possible on your profile. Your tastes, interests, likes, dislikes, whether you smoke or drink, and so on. Don't expect perfection -- it doesn't exist. The guy you're looking for will be amenable to having a drink or coffee with you for your first date and won't ask you to come over for a quickie (Don't go to a total stranger's house -- or invite them to yours -- under any circumstances. In any case, you'll want to meet them first just to check them out.) People can lie, but you can often pick out the honest guys from the liars by how open and forthcoming they are. You don't want to start dating a guy who already has a lover or -- yikes! -- a wife. (Unfortunately gay dating sites have been infiltrated by these guys. Sometimes they're upfront about their situation, but more often they're not.)

But don't be discouraged. It is often true that you have to kiss a lot of toads to find a prince, but
eventually you'll find the right guy -- or he'll find you.

Good luck and let me know if I can help with anything else.

Private Message

Okay. I got a private message on a gay dating site from a guy who wants to f--k around. Although my photos are up-to-date and accurately represent me, he doesn't seem to realize that he and I have not only met at a local gay bar -- he's generally a little tight -- but have had numerous conversations over the past couple of years. I find this really awkward. I'm not interested in him that way but I'm afraid if I ignore him or send a flippant answer he'll either be hurt or nasty, and this may create tension in the bar. I can't believe he doesn't realize we know each other but in his message he makes no reference to it at all. GH.

Maybe he just wants to get to the nitty gritty, if you know what I mean. (And remember that some people look a little different in photos, even recent ones, than they do in real life.) If he's always a little drunk when he runs into you, he may not only not remember the conversations you've had, he may not even remember you. If you're concerned what he'll say the next time you run into him, he may not even make the connection between the real you and the guy on the web site, even if you obviously look the same. I would handle this the way you would handle any private message from a guy who wants to fool around with you when you're just not interested. Either ignore it (which some feel is rude), tell him he's not your type (which some think is even ruder) or send a friendly, non-committal response: "how ya doin, or how are things goin', or nice to hear from you," and leave it at that. Since the guy doesn't even seem to realize or remember that the two of you have already met, personally I would just ignore the message. Your call.

"Market Value"

A question for your blog:

What would you say to a gay man in his 40s who did all the hard work to come out and accept his sexuality two decades ago, but who now finds himself isolated, without confidence, and without a sex life because of...a psychiatric disorder?

I've been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder since I was 19 and it's been a rough ride, with lots of ups and downs, crushing mood swings, hospital stays, and interruptions of employment. But through it all I managed to continue to be persistent and work on having an "out" gay life: making gay friends, being active in gay organizations, dating, and keeping myself open to the possibility of a long-term relationship some day with someone who would love me and be attracted to me regardless of my health.

But recently it's become hard indeed to be optimistic about my romantic prospects. Two years ago I had a series of terrible manic episodes, alienated a lot of friends, lost a lot of money, lost a good job, and even had minor skirmishes with police. I am still not working and I get by on some savings and a modest Social Security disability check. I have to watch my money closely. I don't have a lot of hope for working full-time again, though it might happen. I am lonely. I feel very awkward about opening up about my illness to prospective new gay friends because I don't know how they would react. I think, and I believe accurately, that most gay men wanting dates or relationships want people without "baggage" and would not look kindly upon starting a new attachment to someone unstable or whose problems carry a lot of stigma.

To put it another way, I am discouraged because I think my "market value" in the gay dating game has plunged since I was young. I'm 20 years older than when I came out. I'm not in the greatest physical shape, partly because medication caused me to gain weight and it's hard to lose it. I'm not working (except for volunteering, which is fun), and I think gay guys really look for people with jobs and financial stability. I know I have good qualities...I'm smart, well-educated, creative, a great listener, empathetic (in part due to the rough experiences I have weathered). And I have many fascinating stories to tell. But still I can't get past the idea that 99% of the guys out there want to steer clear of someone like me, and that all those years of struggling to come out and tell everyone proudly that I was gay were wasted. Nothing much came from it. I'm basically cut off from the larger gay crowd now.

I am in therapy to explore these issues (no surprise!), but I'd like to hear your thoughts.

Yours, S.

First, I'm glad you're in therapy, because, as I'm sure you know, some things can't be solved or easily resolved even by the great Dr. Bill, LOL. However, I do have some positive things to say to you.

It may be true that most people -- gay or straight -- look for people without "baggage" when they're in the dating game, but it's also true that there are very few people who don't have some baggage. Regardless of sex or sexual orientation, loneliness may increase with age and people begin --although it sounds terrible to put it this way -- "settling," or -- to put it a better way -- becoming more realistic that there are very few princes out there, and that if you expect perfection in a person or relationship you're going to be either disappointed or alone. On dating sites most people put their best foot forward and don't mention the negatives. Total honesty is admirable, but there's no reason you should discuss anything so personal with someone who's simply an acquaintance. I would dare say that most people, no matter what their problems are, don't start revealing intimate, possibly "negative," details about themselves until they've gotten to know the other person better. Who knows what baggage the other person is carrying? (Be prepared. Once you "confess" -- or at least bring up some of your problems -- after a suitable period -- you may be surprised what the other person may tell you!)

Some men will be turned off by your problems and move on. Others may have come to like you so much that they'll want to continue. Give them time to get to know you and recognize your good qualities before you reveal all. As for not being in great shape, don't worry about it. As I've said before not all gay men are exercise nuts, and some guys are positively turned on by pot bellies. If necessary, you can always start an exercise program. As for money, people tend to think all gay men are rich, when the truth is that there are plenty of blue collar, and even unemployed, gay guys out there who won't judge you by your income level. I mean, first of all we're talking about sex and companionship, simply finding someone who's compatible. Perfection is not required in a friend or fuck buddy. It may lead to a relationship, or it may not. This is true whether you carry baggage or don't. [As for a sex life, the guys looking to get laid on gay dating sites don't really care about your baggage as long as you have a d--k!]

Don't worry too much about finding a lover. The forties is still young. Friends can help ease your sense of isolation and they're less likely to judge you or expect perfection. Sometimes friendship can deepen into something more.

If you do try online dating, you can usually tell from a guy's profile if he's the kind who only wants Men With Bucks, Hot Bodies, or Perfect Princes. Such guys are generally full of themselves and so are their profiles. And they don't hear from as many guys as you might imagine, no matter what they look like. Guys who act like they're just so special and want the same are often a turn-off. I mean, they're on the same dating site as everyone else so maybe they're not so special. Maybe they even have baggage they don't want everyone to know about.

Never, ever feel that the struggle to come out was "wasted." Your problems would be worse and even more difficult to deal with if you were also struggling with self-hatred and non-acceptance. Continue to have a healthy attitude toward being gay. Believe me, the biggest barrier to finding a lover is internalized homophobia. Most gay men can sense this problem in other men and that's the one thing that they don't want to have to deal with. It's impossible to have a healthy gay relationship if you hate yourself or hate being gay, and I wouldn't be surprised if that's the chief reason many are not in relationships.

You have a lot on your plate, but remember that you're not alone. Not only are their many gay men who have similar financial and health/psychiatric issues, there are those who are dealing with being HIV positive (talk about a lowered dating "market value," although even that can be dealt with, as there are support and social groups for HIV+ men). You could explore the possibilities of getting into a support group for men over forty and I'll bet you'll find that most of the guys have problems of some nature (which is equally true in the hetero community). Everyone has problems of one sort or another; that's life!

So try to keep a positive attitude. Let people get to know you and like you. Nobody is required to tell a new acquaintance everything about themselves.

Best of luck! Let me know if there's anything else I can help with.

Mature Action

I'm a fifty-four-year-old gay man who thought that all the fun was behind him, but I've put myself out there -- on line and in bars -- and am having more sex today than I did twenty years ago. My God -- I get laid practically every time I go out, and I can't believe how many men contact me on gay dating sites for older men. Even guys twenty years younger! I'm not so special but apparently there's someone for everyone. I try to play safe at all times, of course. I'm just here to say that there definitely is gay life for those of us who are fifty and beyond. Brian

Brian, I'm not sure if you're asking a question or just bragging, you little devil, LOL. Seriously, you've hit the nail on the head. Of course there's more to "gay life" than sex, but sex is certainly a big part of it. Good for you! I think younger people might be less depressed about getting older if they knew that the, ahem, joys of life continue even in middle and senior years, and this is true for straights as well as gays. As for "trying to play safe," don't just try -- do it! HIV and other SDT infection is rising in men above the age of 50, the downside of all that action. But that's no reason to take alarm. Use condoms (even if you're a top), shower within thirty minutes after sex, avoid risky behavior, get yourself tested regularly, and it's not a bad idea to get to know a potential sex partner first and find out about his sexual history if you can. You can be safe and have a great time as well! I'm looking forward to my fifties, which are rapidly approaching. Way to go, guy!

Gay Former Brother-in-Law

I belong to a gay men's dating site and a few weeks ago came across a familiar profile -- it was my former brother-in-law. I had no idea he was gay, and I doubt if my sister did either, but as we're not close I doubt she would tell me anyway. I always thought he was hot, and according to his profile he's looking for a relationship. I would love to get in touch with him, and as he and my sister have been divorced for several years... Would this be an okay thing to do? Barry

That depends. There are several things to consider. If he's in the closet, the last person he wants to hear from is his gay former brother-in-law -- who probably knows a lot of the people he knows, I assume. Your sister and you may not be close, but you'll hardly get closer if you wind up in a relationship with her ex. Sure, they've both moved on, but that doesn't mean she wants to deal with him at family gatherings, especially if she learns that her whole marriage might have been a sham. The whole thing has a kind of "icky" feel to it. Did the two of you have a good rapport when he was married? You may think he's hot but maybe he doesn't feel the same way about you, sorry. The fact that you didn't pick up on his attraction to men -- unless he was really good at keeping that part of him hidden -- may indicate his disinterest. Even if he's attracted to you he may not have the slightest interest in hooking up with his ex-wife's brother!

If you contact him at all, why not contact him and just say "hi" and tell him you want to give him your support. Let him make the next move. You may not get a lover but you may find a grateful friend.

Getting Older

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Gay Man in Dilemma with Niece

I am a gay man in his late forties who has a wonderful niece -- whom I'm very close to -- in her early thirties. She has had some very unfortunate relationships with men and been hurt very badly, and I don't know if she could take another defeat. She's fallen head over heads in love with a man she describes as a great guy. When I finally met him I was flabbergasted -- and deeply depressed for my niece's sake. I have seen this man many times -- yes, I am sure it was him -- cruising in local gay bars, even made out with him once a couple of years ago, and he is always inebriated. I have seen him neck with and pick up other men. I don't care if he's gay or bi, I don't want my niece to be devastated by marrying --yes, they are talking about marriage -- a man who may not be in touch with or honest about his true sexuality. He may continue to pursue men even after he's married. What on earth do I say to her? Bob.

The truth, I'm afraid. Men who want sex with men when they're very drunk want sex with men when they're sober, only they need to get drunk and lose their inhibitions before they can do so. It's the old bugaboo, internalized homophobia. You're right -- it doesn't matter if he identifies as gay, straight or bi, his future wife needs to know -- needs to know now -- about his possibly risky behavior, his lust for men, and what it may mean for their future, assuming any is possible.

There are so many ramifications to this. There are women who don't mind marrying gay/bi men (as bizarre as it sounds) generally for the same wrong reasons that gay/bi men often marry women. But every woman should be told beforehand -- hopefully by the man himself -- that he's gay/bi so that she can make an informed decision about whether or not to marry him. If he's essentially a gay man, he will not be happy in a straight marriage, and neither will your niece. Bi advocates say a bi man can be perfectly happy with, and faithful to, a woman (although there are thousands of men seeking male sex partners on gay dating sites who identify as "married and bi"), but this man sounds too conflicted to have any kind of realistic attitude toward his sexuality, and he probably hasn't fully accepted his homosexual feelings.

Don't tell your niece you once made out with him. I assume you don't have a "thing" for him as that will only complicate matters. That's not the issue in any case. The issue is that she thinks he's straight and he clearly isn't.

I would suggest sitting down and talking to him first. Don't wait until you run into him in another gay bar -- he'll be too drunk to hear you. Tell him you're aware of his nocturnal activities and you're not certain why he wants to marry your niece. Is he in love? Will she be his beard? What's going on? Tell him he has to tell her of his feelings for men or you'll tell her for him.

This isn't going to be easy as he sounds deeply closeted and repressed (except for when he's drinking) and he may be in such deep denial that he'll never be able to talk about it with you or anyone else in the light of day. Go slow, easy, be compassionate. If you get nowhere with him, you may have to be a real Dutch uncle with your niece. A marriage shouldn't start out with such a big lie between two people.

Get back to me and tell me how it goes.

Is Online Dating Safe?

I'm tired of the bar scene and waiting for the right fellow to come along but I admit I'm a little nervous with the idea of meeting someone online. You hear stories. And there are wacky people out there. Still, maybe I could find what I'm looking for without sitting around a bar all night. What do you think? JJ.

The online dating scene is safe enough if you take some simple precautions. Always remember that people are not always honest about themselves, their situations, and what they look like. Never just go to a person's home -- or invite them to your home -- to have sex when all you've seen is a photograph or two that may not even accurately represent them. Do not invite total strangers into your home no matter what and it's not even a good idea to go to their place, especially if they live somewhere remote. Exchange photographs (why would you want to hook up with someone when you've never even seen a photograph, or just a snapshot of a body part?) and then arrange to meet somewhere public for coffee or drinks. This way you'll be able to see if the chemistry is right (you can't always tell from a photograph, even if it's up-to-date) and the person seems sane. You can talk about your respective sexual histories and the like. If you go to his neighborhood, see if other people in the bar seem to know him and think he's cool. If he comes to your neighborhood, introduce him to your friends and the bartender so that he'll know that they'll remember what he looks like if something bad happens. This is especially important if you eventually decide to go off with him or take him home. And always stick to safe sex!

There are some creeps online but there are also some nice guys. Just exercise caution and good judgment and you'll probably be fine. And maybe meet the man of your dreams, who knows?

Good Luck!