Hanging It Up

At what point do you think a man should hang it up, I mean stop cruising, accept that those days are behind him? Is there any specific age, I wonder? Anon.

Given how people live longer today and the "senior" crowd -- gay and straight -- is still sexually active, I don't know if anyone should ever "give it up." It really depends on a lot of factors.

As long as a man is attracting other men to him -- and I don't mean that every head turns when he walks in the door, but that guys do at least on occasion let him know that they're interested -- I see no reason why he should stop cruising, or at least think of himself as "past it." I mean, a man can go to a bar one night and feel invisible, with no one hitting on him, or striking out as he makes passes, but then a week later there are more guys in the bar (or a different bar) who like his specific type, and he finds himself in the position of (nicely) rejecting people. You never know how it's gonna go. Guys, especially as we age, can be very sensitive to this, and one has to remember that even younger, "hotter" guys can have a bad night or a string of them. It's important not to despair.

Some guys of a certain age don't actively cruise. They wait for people to express an interest and now and then may get lucky. Other guys are more aggressive and may or may not be more successful. Some guys just tell themselves that they're over-the-hill and jerk off, or become more or less asexual.

Then there are guys are who really lousy at cruising in bars and do much better on-line. I'd suggest before giving up on cruising/dating/sexual activity entirely, a man should try the on-line dating/sex sites that cater to older men and their admirers, such as silver daddies.

Older men -- especially those who are predominantly attracted to younger guys -- should avoid the pitfalls of cruising in a bar that caters mostly to, say, twenty-somethings. There are young men who like older men (for various reasons) but they tend to go to bars that cater to the middle-aged [and older] crowd. If you do go to a bar full of twenty-somethings, at least go late when they're more likely to be a little snookered and approachable. You may not get laid but at least they'll talk to you!

I have encountered middle-aged men who are fresh out of a twenty-something bar down the block and are miserable as hell, feeling old, rejected and desperate, when the truth is that there are many men their own age who would find them perfectly sexy. Unless a guy is extremely handsome, hot or rich, it's difficult to be in middle age (or older) and be exclusively attracted to much younger men.

There are still a lot of attractive (whatever your taste) older guys out there, and all of us "of a certain age" -- and we are legion -- should take advantage of that fact.

If a man really feels that he is just too old to attract sex partners, he can still enjoy the joys of masturbation, his friends, other activities that add joy to his life.

But remember that I've known guys as old as their seventies who cruise -- in bars -- and are successful at it more often than not.

You just never know.

Casual versus Anonymous

You recently answered a question about casual sex. Isn't it true that casual sex and anonymous sex are not the same thing? K.

Good point. When we refer to casual sex we are generally talking about sex between two people who don't know each other very well and who are probably not in love and may not even be romantically involved -- but they can be. They have made no commitment to one another. They may or may not be dating. They may have had sex at the end of a first date. They may have met at a bar, conversed, made out, then gone home for sex. But they introduce themselves to one another. Even when people meet online and hook up strictly for sex, they generally exchange names (but not always -- and sometimes the names are not real.)

Anonymous sex, especially if we're talking about certain kinds of homosexual men, is when you don't have a conversation or introduce yourself -- there really is total anonymity. You may not even get a good look at the other person. This kind of sex takes place in the darkened rows of porn movie houses, in outdoor cruise spots generally in wooded areas, men's rooms, truck stops, alley ways. I suppose it's possible for a man to have anonymous sex and run into a sex partner in the daylight and not know who he is.

May I say, without sounding too judgmental (why everyone knows Dr. Bill is never judgmental, LOL), that anonymous sex is kind of pre-Stonewall in my opinion. I won't say that everyone who practices it is an ashamed closet queen -- sometimes it just horny guys wanting a quick fix -- but its practitioners do tend to be the kind who like to stay in the figurative and literal shadows. Many of the husbands and daddies who want sex with other guys are into anonymous sex. They have no gay identity or pride whatsoever.

There was a time when it was thought by many people that anonymous sex was all that gay men were capable of, that they couldn't make commitments or fall in love. That, of course, has always been nonsense, as there have been long-term relationships in the gay male (and lesbian) communities for decades. I would dare say that most anonymous sex isn't even practiced by "gay" men, but but bi/homosexual men who think of themselves as being "straight." (Larry Craig, caught in the men's room, is a good example of this.)

Lastly, I think most genuinely straight guys would love it if they could get more anonymous sex (with women). No wining and dining and talking about feelings and that sort of thing, ha!

Bars vs. Online Dating

You've written about being careful about who you meet online. But don't you have to be even more careful in bars, especially if you're drinking? At least online you have a clear head. Anon.

Well, maybe you do. A picture of a hot guy or a massive member attached to a private message on a gay dating site can make some men take any risk. There are some things you can do to protect yourself from bad scenes if you meet someone in a bar:

1.) Don't get so crap-faced that you don't know what you're doing or who you're doing it with.

2.) Carry plenty of condoms. Most bars have jars full of them, or ask the bartender.

3.) If someone seems too good to be true -- they're definitely way out of your league -- maybe they have less than pleasant motives for wanting to get together.

4.) Ask the other customers, preferably regulars, as well as the bartender, if they know the guy you're planning to go off with. Is he a complete stranger to everyone? Is he well-known as a nice guy in the bar?

5.) If you go off with a stranger, make sure you introduce him to a few people, and that he knows that they know who you're going off with.

6.) If someone is sending out bad signals, listen to your brain and don't go with him.

7.) Don't bring a complete stranger that no one can vouch for to your home. Bringing them to your hotel room is also a bad idea. If you want to go home with someone, stay out of private houses in isolated areas until you know them better. Going to somebody else's hotel room is generally safer.

8.) Sick to safe sex! Many guys do not know their HIV status, lie about it, or do not volunteer the information. But if you stick to safe sex, that won't be a problem.

The advantage that bars have over online dating is that at least you're meeting the guy face to face and you can immediately tell if the chemistry is there (unless it's more a question of alcohol-induced lust). If you're not drunk you can size the person up. You're seeing what they really look like and not a possibly doctored or older photograph.

Remember, play safe and have a great time.

Gay Former Brother-in-Law

I belong to a gay men's dating site and a few weeks ago came across a familiar profile -- it was my former brother-in-law. I had no idea he was gay, and I doubt if my sister did either, but as we're not close I doubt she would tell me anyway. I always thought he was hot, and according to his profile he's looking for a relationship. I would love to get in touch with him, and as he and my sister have been divorced for several years... Would this be an okay thing to do? Barry

That depends. There are several things to consider. If he's in the closet, the last person he wants to hear from is his gay former brother-in-law -- who probably knows a lot of the people he knows, I assume. Your sister and you may not be close, but you'll hardly get closer if you wind up in a relationship with her ex. Sure, they've both moved on, but that doesn't mean she wants to deal with him at family gatherings, especially if she learns that her whole marriage might have been a sham. The whole thing has a kind of "icky" feel to it. Did the two of you have a good rapport when he was married? You may think he's hot but maybe he doesn't feel the same way about you, sorry. The fact that you didn't pick up on his attraction to men -- unless he was really good at keeping that part of him hidden -- may indicate his disinterest. Even if he's attracted to you he may not have the slightest interest in hooking up with his ex-wife's brother!

If you contact him at all, why not contact him and just say "hi" and tell him you want to give him your support. Let him make the next move. You may not get a lover but you may find a grateful friend.

Is Online Dating Safe?

I'm tired of the bar scene and waiting for the right fellow to come along but I admit I'm a little nervous with the idea of meeting someone online. You hear stories. And there are wacky people out there. Still, maybe I could find what I'm looking for without sitting around a bar all night. What do you think? JJ.

The online dating scene is safe enough if you take some simple precautions. Always remember that people are not always honest about themselves, their situations, and what they look like. Never just go to a person's home -- or invite them to your home -- to have sex when all you've seen is a photograph or two that may not even accurately represent them. Do not invite total strangers into your home no matter what and it's not even a good idea to go to their place, especially if they live somewhere remote. Exchange photographs (why would you want to hook up with someone when you've never even seen a photograph, or just a snapshot of a body part?) and then arrange to meet somewhere public for coffee or drinks. This way you'll be able to see if the chemistry is right (you can't always tell from a photograph, even if it's up-to-date) and the person seems sane. You can talk about your respective sexual histories and the like. If you go to his neighborhood, see if other people in the bar seem to know him and think he's cool. If he comes to your neighborhood, introduce him to your friends and the bartender so that he'll know that they'll remember what he looks like if something bad happens. This is especially important if you eventually decide to go off with him or take him home. And always stick to safe sex!

There are some creeps online but there are also some nice guys. Just exercise caution and good judgment and you'll probably be fine. And maybe meet the man of your dreams, who knows?

Good Luck!