Gay Democrat with Gay Republican?

Dear Gay Dr. Bill

What's your take on being a democrat who is in love with a republican? Can political difference add spice, can different world views pull a love affair apart or does political individuality create the conditions for a life-long ability to celebrate each other's difference.

I love your blog.

Best Regards

Thank you for the kind words. 

I'll start off by saying that I'm a liberal American Democrat, but one of my best friends is much more conservative. While he has never come out as Republican, as such, I figure it's best that we rarely if ever discuss politics. Then I have gay friends who are stoutly Republican, a fact I try desperately to ignore if our friendship is based on other shared interests, such as movies or art. I confess I don't quite get gay Republicans, although they certainly exist. What I find strange are gay Republicans who are not wealthy or part of some overall power structure -- it's as if by being Republican they think they will become rich and powerful via some sort of osmosis.   

Can a Democrat be in love with a Republican? There was a sitcom years ago with just that premise, but as for real life...? It's one thing for friends with other interests to have different political values, but a lover, someone you live with on a day to day basis, that's a bit more problematic. I hear what you're saying about celebrating each other's differences, but a lot depends on just how political each person is and how strongly they feel about various issues. If the issue is something that cuts to the core of someone's values, something that is a deep part of their vital persona, then clashes between the two parties may overwhelm everything else in the relationship.

On the other hand, "let's agree to disagree" can work wonders with people who otherwise like and respect -- and yes, love -- one another. Often it is that respect for the person (even if you can't quite respect their viewpoints) that makes the difference in a friendship or a love affair. Part of that respect includes each person, assuming they exhausted all arguments on the issue, agreeing to get past it and not discuss The Subject -- including their political alliances and whatever else it may be. 

However, if one of the two people just can't shut his mouth but keeps bringing it up, and worse, keeps putting down the other person, perpetually demeaning him and his viewpoint, then not only will a romantic partnership crumble, but so, too, will a friendship. Differences can exist in a partnership but only if both parties respect those differences despite their varying opinions. 

Guy Only Wants Older Guys

Hey Dr. Bill, 

I’m 23 years old and I’m coming to realize that I find men physically attractive, but ONLY older guys. It’s not the age that attracts me, but the masculine characteristics that come with age. For example, I’ve always been obsessed with facial hair, body hair, and male hair loss. A handsome 40-year-old man who is losing his hair, has a thick beard, and is covered in body hair is the most beautiful thing in the world to me.

I am a very masculine-acting individual, and no one would guess that I'm gay. I secretly wish that I will go bald and become hairier to resemble what I find attractive, but it seems so at-odds with the desires of the gay community. It’s like these traits I find attractive are found to be disgusting by most others....it makes me feel like a freak.  What’s worse is this attraction is exclusive...young guys and women don’t interest me at all, plus I am not interested in anal sex either!

Is this what it means to be a bear? Or can my attraction to men evolve over time to include other kinds of guys as well as anal? At 23, having my friends and family see me with a man old enough to be my father makes me feel incredibly guilty and shameful.

Sorry if this question's dumb, I'm only just coming to terms with these things and had to get this out to somebody.

Not a dumb question. And there's nothing to feel guilty or shameful about. But I do have a few questions of my own. There's nothing wrong with dating or even having a long-term relationship with an older man, but you do realize that there are guys in their twenties who are hairy, masculine, and who have receding hairlines? [I myself was pretty much bald before I even hit thirty.] So I think that age must have to be a factor with you. In other words, you might have a "daddy" complex. And if you are not a bear [cub], you are definitely a bear-chaser.

First, about bears, or hairy, generally mustachioed or bearded, often non-stereotypical gay men: Yes, gay men outside the bear community do not find the traits you admire to be attractive. To hell with them! Within the very huge bear community you would not be considered a freak nor your desires disgusting.

Now as for daddies. A daddy used to be a mature gay man, a senior citizen in his sixties, but now it simply means older, which means a guy in his late thirties can be a daddy if his boyfriend is in his twenties. There are men who are attracted to [some] older men, simply because they like their looks and don't care that they happen to be older. But generally these guys also like men their own age. If you're strictly into older guys it could be for different reasons.

Some younger guys pursue older men because they didn't have a good relationship with their fathers. No, this doesn't mean they want to have sex with their dads but they feel they missed out on that special father/son relationship and they might be able to get that with an older man -- along with something extra, of course. Some men prefer older guys because they feel the competition will be less formidable; they may have low self-esteem. Some men like older guys as a sort of fetish. Sex is okay but a long-term relationship is out of the question.

None of these may apply to you, of course. But for now I wouldn't worry about it. When I was your age I was not even remotely attracted to bald or balding men, but now -- bald myself -- I tend to go for guys with shaved heads and goatees. Certainly not my cup of java when I was in my twenties. So your tastes may evolve over the years.

Some people just aren't into anal sex, top or bottom. Some gay guys don't even like to suck dick. Everybody's different. So don't worry about it. [Remember, if you ever try anal sex do it with someone you trust and use condoms!]

So date older men if you like. But someday you might want someone to grow older with, so don't dismiss guys your own age out of hand. Some may have the very qualities that you're looking for. Remember hairy daddies didn't become hairy overnight, but were that way all of their lives!

Getting Quality Time

Your recent post concerning a guy whose lover wanted to party too much rang a bell with me. I am dating a guy who -- while we have good sex -- doesn't seem to want to be alone with me on other occasions. I like this guy very much and I like to spend quality time with him -- talk, watch a movie together etc. -- but he always wants to go out to a club or bar or party. He's very attentive once we get there, I can't complain on that score. But I can't figure out if it's me or if it's him or what. Any advice you could give me would be appreciated. By the way, we are not kids -- we are both in our forties. S.

From what you say it doesn't sound as if he's trying to get away from you. It's a very positive sign that he stays by your side when the two of you go out to a bar or party and that he's not off cruising other guys and ignoring you. He obviously enjoys your company. It's probably just that he's one of those people who really loves to be in the midst of a happy, partying throng. Some guys love going to bars and parties all the time -- socializing is their favorite (second favorite?) sport-- and it has nothing to do with how old they are. A guy who loves bar-hopping and partying at 25 will probably feel the same at 55 and older.

The trouble happens when these guys hook up with guys who are essentially homebodies. There's nothing wrong with that, but it can cause friction when one guy wants to stay home and snuggle in front of the TV every night and his boyfriend wants to party hearty all the time.

Another, less positive possibility is that maybe he feels that the two of you -- once the great sex is over -- don't have a lot to talk about so he likes to be in a crowd when he's with you. And you're probably thinking that the two of you won't ever find out how much you may have to talk about if you're never alone to have a one-on-one conversation.

Bring this up to him in a pleasant, non-judgmental manner. Never tell him that he's too old to go out and have fun because a.) that's not true at any age and b.) it's the quickest way to turn him off both in and out of the bedroom.

There is this feeling that we're all supposed to sit home all the time once we reach a "certain" age -- whatever that may be -- but that's never made any sense to me. On the other hand, I can also understand how a man in his forties is ready (and probably has been ready for some time, eh?) to settle down. He wants, as you put it, to not only have quality time with his man but to have his man desire the same thing.

Relationships are all about compromise. Be glad you've got a live wire and not someone you have to talk into going out. Am I wrong that you have a good time yourself, especially with this guy at your side?

In other words, go out, have fun, have great sex when you get home, and in the late morning go to brunch at a place where you're unlikely to run into friends.

And talk.

Even party boys like to stay home now and then and cuddle on the sofa in front of a good movie.
Suggest taking some trips (not to places like Provincetown or other party cities!) to scenic areas -- maybe camping or a trip to a lonely beach. Even a trip to the zoo or the aquarium (without friends along) might give you some time alone with the guy. In between looking at the seals, washing sand out of your toes, or folding up your (one) sleeping bag you might discover wonderful new things about each other.

The two of you are only in the dating stage; I sense no commitment has been made on either side. But that may change in the future. Good Luck, baby!

Straight Woman and Gay Gals

I have a gay male friend -- I'm also a gay man -- who is best friends with a straight woman I'll call Glenda. He and Glenda have known each other for years and she's supposed to be so "gay-friendly." But she offers opinions on the gay community that are just the usual Will and Grace stereotypes (neither my friend nor I are especially stereotypical) and I was really shocked when she said she'd rather not go to a certain gay restaurant because she didn't "want all the 'dykes' hitting on her." (And she's not that hot). My friend and I have been considering the possibility of a life-long partnership -- but not if Glenda's in the picture. I've confronted her about some things -- including the "dyke" remark -- but she just brushes it off. So does he. What do you suggest? G.L.

Maybe you should brush them both off. I've seen this situation before. Straight women who are friendly with gay men but who can't stand lesbians -- and yet it never occurs to them (and sometimes not even their gay friends) that this is HOMOPHOBIA! The same thing would be true of a straight guy who is friendly with lesbians but who can't stand "fags."

I've occasionally had to remind some of my gay brothers who make negative remarks about lesbians that lesbians are female homosexuals and if you put them down, you're putting yourself down because you are a male homosexual. Yes, even gay men can on occasion be sexist but when they attack lesbians (or vice versa) they're being homophobic as well. I hasten to add that I have never seen a gay man who is comfortable in his own skin say anything negative about gay women or women in general. [This doesn't mean that a gay guy who would rather not have women come into the gay bar where he's cruising, where he'd rather have a homoerotic, all male atmosphere, is necessarily sexist.]

Glenda has issues -- whatever they may be -- and it doesn't sound as if your friend is comfortable in confronting her on those issues, so he should at least let you do it for him. This isn't just about a straight friend who has anti-lesbian feelings, which is bad enough, it's about your comfort level, your sense of Gay Pride, and your aversion to homophobic attitudes. (I'll also put forth the possibility that some of the attitudes Glenda has toward the lesbian and gay community are coming from your friend.)

Don't give up on the guy yet. Sit down with him and make sure that he understands how you feel. Tell him you don't expect him to just dismantle a friendship of many years -- undoubtedly Glenda has her good points -- but that Glenda needs to know that some remarks and attitudes are simply not acceptable. (Maybe she's dealing with a little internalized homophobia?) If Glenda can't watch her mouth when you're around or deal intelligently with her issues, tell your friend that you don't want to spend any time with her and he'd better respect that.

Take it from there. If his friendship with Glenda is more important than his relationship with you, move on.

Gay male/straight female friendships can often be wonderful, but now and then you've got two dysfunctional people who are bathing in each other's self-hatred. Don't get caught up in it.

Gay Former Brother-in-Law

I belong to a gay men's dating site and a few weeks ago came across a familiar profile -- it was my former brother-in-law. I had no idea he was gay, and I doubt if my sister did either, but as we're not close I doubt she would tell me anyway. I always thought he was hot, and according to his profile he's looking for a relationship. I would love to get in touch with him, and as he and my sister have been divorced for several years... Would this be an okay thing to do? Barry

That depends. There are several things to consider. If he's in the closet, the last person he wants to hear from is his gay former brother-in-law -- who probably knows a lot of the people he knows, I assume. Your sister and you may not be close, but you'll hardly get closer if you wind up in a relationship with her ex. Sure, they've both moved on, but that doesn't mean she wants to deal with him at family gatherings, especially if she learns that her whole marriage might have been a sham. The whole thing has a kind of "icky" feel to it. Did the two of you have a good rapport when he was married? You may think he's hot but maybe he doesn't feel the same way about you, sorry. The fact that you didn't pick up on his attraction to men -- unless he was really good at keeping that part of him hidden -- may indicate his disinterest. Even if he's attracted to you he may not have the slightest interest in hooking up with his ex-wife's brother!

If you contact him at all, why not contact him and just say "hi" and tell him you want to give him your support. Let him make the next move. You may not get a lover but you may find a grateful friend.

Lover's Ex-Wife Won't Let Go

I am a gay man who is in a relationship with another man who was married for many years and then came out of the closet. He has maintained a very good relationship with his children and ex-wife -- perhaps too good, in the latter case. His ex-wife refuses to move on and date new men, and still clings to her ex-husband, calling on him at all hours, expecting him to help her out, and be her best friend no matter what. Out of guilt he runs when she calls because she was devastated when he ended the marriage. I know he has no real feelings for her anymore, but it's clear that she just can't let go. And she's always hugging and kissing him -- he claims it's just affection and out of habit-- and sometimes he even comes back from doing a chore for her with her lipstick on his collar from a "thank you" hug. Ron in Albany.

Well, at least her lipstick isn't in other places -- you hope! I understand that your lover is feeling guilt and yes it's good that he and his ex-wife get along and he remains close to his children, but a line has to be drawn and you've got to establish that line if he won't. You may eventually have to sit down with the ex-wife and in a compassionate way explain how you feel, that you're trying to build a life with your man and she needs to move on. (Know any nice straight single guys you can introduce her to?)

You also have to make sure that these "chores" he's doing for his wife aren't sexual in nature. He may still be a bit uncomfortable being in a relationship with a man after so many years with a woman and feel some kind of "macho" need to engage in hetero intercourse -- for all the wrong reasons. Cheating is cheating, no matter what. And you need to know if he's still conflicted.

Even if that's not the case, the situation here needs to be "straightened" out before it gets worse. The more the ex-wife believes she can take advantage of your lover, the more she will. Ultimately, it wouldn't make a difference if your lover had moved on with a man or another woman, he's with somebody else now and the ex has to accept it. He shouldn't leave it to you to handle the situation.

Sit down with your lover and tell him how you feel. Remind him that in this case guilt is a useless and even harmful emotion -- harmful to the relationship you are both trying to build together. Hopefully, once he realizes that he might be jeopardizing his future with you by overly coddling his ex-wife, it will be easier to him to say "no" to her. He also needs to understand that the more he coddles her, the less likely it will be for her to look for -- and move on with -- somebody new, which isn't good for her. The hugs and kisses she gives him may be merely "affectionate" and meaningless to him, but they are in no way meaningless to her.

Family Values

I have been openly gay and out to my family since I was in my early twenties. I am now 35. I have had one bad long-term relationship that lasted a few years on and off, but ultimately blew up in my face. My family seem to think that this has somehow magically turned me straight. It may have put me off relationships for awhile (an obvious reaction to a bad break- up) but it didn't turn me off homosexuality. Yet at a recent party my sister was obviously trying to set me up with a female co-worker of hers and my parents speak wistfully of a woman that I used to date (ha ha!) back in high school who is still unmarried and want me to call her. What can I do to make these people see that while I may have had an unhappy relationship I am not unhappy being gay? John.

Tell them! Tell them and tell them again! I know it's -- they're -- exasperating, even borderline homophobic, but they probably think they're doing you a favor. (I presume your sister's co-worker wasn't a lesbian and sis thought you and she might hit it off as friends?) Don't shrug, get mad, and walk out of the room. Tell them! Send them a letter or an email or confront them face to face. Let them know that you're happy being gay, wouldn't change even if you could, and find their refusal to face the facts offensive. Convince them that one bad relationship has not turned you off men. You will have love in your life again! (But it definitely will not be the gal you dated in high school who is still not married. Wonder what her story is?)

Don't hold this in and let it fester; it will only get worse. Your relatives will all feel better -- and hopefully leave you alone -- once you've convinced them that, despite your recent romantic problems, you're a happy, well-adjusted gay man.

Lesbian with Swingin' Lover

I am a 32-year-old lesbian who has a 26-year-old lover who says she is bisexual. She tells me that she is happy in our relationship, our sex life is good, but that she needs to be with a man now and then. I am not comfortable with this, and am very uncomfortable with the thought of her being with a man, especially as I suspect it's the same guy each time (I suppose that's better than her sleeping around with a whole bunch of guys). She sees this man every two weeks or so and says it's only about sex, but even if that's true, I do not want to share her with anybody. She says I am close-minded. I love her, but I am just not comfortable with this arrangement. Suffering Sappho.

And why should you be comfortable with this arrangement? If you want a monogamous relationship -- which does not in any way make you "close-minded" -- you should be with someone who believes in monogamy, and it doesn't matter what her sexual orientation is. I personally have nothing against open relationships, but both parties should agree to this -- if not, then one of them is cheating. You should make it clear that this arrangement is not one you can live with; you are not giving her "permission" to cheat.

Besides, bisexual advocates (with whom I do not always agree) argue that it is a stereotype that bi's need to be with both men and women on a regular basis -- only that they can fall in love with either a man or a woman. They also argue that bi's are not more inclined to be unfaithful than gays or straights. Perhaps your lover is also (or only) sleeping with other women, and is using the bi business for a convenient excuse, figuring you'll find the idea more palatable if you think, because she's bi, that she has to have both men and women. Or perhaps she's dealing with internalized homophobia, and sleeps with men to feel more feminine or "normal." I also sense that you fear -- if she's seeing the same man (sort of a "male mistress") on a regular basis -- that she may develop feelings for him and leave you, which is certainly a possibility.

In the long run, it doesn't matter if she's bi or gay or whether she's seeing one man, many men, other women, or both. She's a "swinger" and you're not. Sit down with her and tell her you want a monogamous relationship, and if she's not comfortable with that, then perhaps it's time to move on. Maybe if you make it emphatically clear how you feel, she'll come around, but she could always keep cheating behind your back. For her, her bisexuality could be a phase, but on the other hand she may never want to give up men, for whatever reason.

What's the point of holding on to a relationship -- no matter how much in love you may think you are -- if it just causes you doubt, confusion, and unhappiness? It may be painful, but you're young and there are other wonderful women out there who will be happily satisfied with you alone.

Cruising Roommates

I recently spent a very nice night with a man who has a roommate -- not a lover. I run into the roommate in the bars a lot and we find each other attractive, too. My question is -- is it bad form, tacky, for me to go home with a trick's roommate, especially as it's only been a week or so. How long should I wait? Or should I just stick to the first guy? B in Boston.

That depends. Was this a one-night-stand or is the first guy someone you want to keep seeing? If that's the case, then "dating" -- or sleeping with -- his roommate may not be the best idea. It may be fun to have two guys competing for your favors, but it won't be fun for them and, ultimately, it won't be much fun for you, either.

Are you certain these two are only "roommates?" Sometimes guys have a kind of loose, open relationship, but it's still a relationship. I assume they have separate bedrooms. Since the first guy didn't ask the roommate to hop in for a threesome, he really may not like you dating the other guy.

One thing I suggest is that you ask the other guy exactly what's going on, and if he feels sleeping with you would cause problems with his roommate. You can always wait until the first guy is out of town.

By the way, has the second guy actually asked you home yet? You may be attracted to each other but that doesn't mean he plans to poach on his roommate's preserve.

And as always, baby -- stick to safe sex!