Gay Democrat with Gay Republican?

Dear Gay Dr. Bill

What's your take on being a democrat who is in love with a republican? Can political difference add spice, can different world views pull a love affair apart or does political individuality create the conditions for a life-long ability to celebrate each other's difference.

I love your blog.

Best Regards

Thank you for the kind words. 

I'll start off by saying that I'm a liberal American Democrat, but one of my best friends is much more conservative. While he has never come out as Republican, as such, I figure it's best that we rarely if ever discuss politics. Then I have gay friends who are stoutly Republican, a fact I try desperately to ignore if our friendship is based on other shared interests, such as movies or art. I confess I don't quite get gay Republicans, although they certainly exist. What I find strange are gay Republicans who are not wealthy or part of some overall power structure -- it's as if by being Republican they think they will become rich and powerful via some sort of osmosis.   

Can a Democrat be in love with a Republican? There was a sitcom years ago with just that premise, but as for real life...? It's one thing for friends with other interests to have different political values, but a lover, someone you live with on a day to day basis, that's a bit more problematic. I hear what you're saying about celebrating each other's differences, but a lot depends on just how political each person is and how strongly they feel about various issues. If the issue is something that cuts to the core of someone's values, something that is a deep part of their vital persona, then clashes between the two parties may overwhelm everything else in the relationship.

On the other hand, "let's agree to disagree" can work wonders with people who otherwise like and respect -- and yes, love -- one another. Often it is that respect for the person (even if you can't quite respect their viewpoints) that makes the difference in a friendship or a love affair. Part of that respect includes each person, assuming they exhausted all arguments on the issue, agreeing to get past it and not discuss The Subject -- including their political alliances and whatever else it may be. 

However, if one of the two people just can't shut his mouth but keeps bringing it up, and worse, keeps putting down the other person, perpetually demeaning him and his viewpoint, then not only will a romantic partnership crumble, but so, too, will a friendship. Differences can exist in a partnership but only if both parties respect those differences despite their varying opinions. 

Dealing with Self-Hatred

Dear Dr Bill,

I am a gay Man.  I am 44 years old, I have a wonderful Civil Partner whom I love, however I am not

Happy, I want to be straight, I want to be on equal footing with straight men, I don't want people asking me if I am gay, I act straight all the time; I am careful never to let my guard down, I have visited Doctors for a cure. I can't believe in this day and age they can't cure Homosexuality.

If there was a pill I would have taken it years ago. All I want to know is -- why me,?I asked my doctor, and he said why not. I was staggered and furious, he said being gay is not a problem it's natural. I can't fancy women. I fancy men I even married one because I fancy men.

I do t know what to do;I have lost so many friends and hurt people because I explode with anger

if I am asked if I am Gay.

I want to know why gay men look gay, what causes it, how can I be happy. How can I make my partner happy.

You're suffering from a very bad case of what what we call internalized homophobia, and it has a lot of causes. You may have been treated badly because you're gay, you may have been raised in a very homophobic environment, have relatives who are anti-gay, or have negative feelings about your sexuality because of religious feelings. 

The first thing you have to accept is that it's okay to be gay. 

There is no "cure" for homosexuality because it is not a disease. It is perfectly natural. This isn't gay activist propaganda -- it's scientific fact. The latest research strongly suggests that we are born gay, and nothing can change it -- there is no "cause." We can pretend to be heterosexual, we can live false lives, stay in the closet, but isn't it better to accept yourself and enjoy being gay?

To answer some of your questions, most gay men do not "look" gay. Only a relatively small percentage conform to stereotypes. Some gay men fear and hate the fact that they may be obviously gay, while others embrace it, have fun with it, develop an inner toughness that deals with the fact that many people will assume or know they are gay without being told. 

Whether you're obviously gay or not, once you accept that there is absolutely nothing wrong in being gay, you won't care if people assume, know, or ask if you are. You won't be ashamed and you won't care. That's the great benefit of Gay Pride. 

Another important point is that you've been lucky enough to find a partner. I know a great many gay men with partners and husbands and boyfriends, but I also know a lot who are single and wish they weren't. Many of those single guys have negative feelings because they're lonely, but if you are in a relationship with someone whom you say you love and is wonderful, then what exactly is the problem? You have someone to share your life with. Do you think there's something horrible and inferior and "diseased" about this man you love? I hope not. So why feel that way about yourself?

You have swallowed a lot of society's negative feelings about gay people, and need to get past it. If there's a gay/LGBT center in your city, see if they do counseling; perhaps a gay or gay-friendly therapist could help you feel better about yourself. You not only owe it to yourself to change your negative and frankly outdated attitudes, but to your partner. 

Best of luck!

Foot Fetish

Dear Dr. Bill,

I'm a 32 year old gay guy and have been with my partner for 3 years now.  We have a healthy sex life, are honest with each other and are very much in love.  Something I have kept from my boyfriend though is that I have a really strong fetish for men's feet. If I even so much as glance at a guy's feet in a pair of flip-flops I get hard.  Also, the soles of my feet are very erogenous and a guy only has to touch them to get me hard.

I have been aroused by men's feet ever since I was a teenager and have acted on my fetish with other men (i.e. sniffing, licking, sucking) but not with my current boyfriend. 

I want to incorporate some foot play into our sex life but I'm not sure how he'll take it or if he will think it's weird.  I fantasize a lot about men's feet and I am a little worried that I might get the urge to stray and go with another guy behind his back just to get some foot action but I would feel so bad about it as I love him so much.  I could never be with another guy and I want to spend the rest of my life with him so I want to stay faithful.

Do you think I should come out and tell him about my fetish?  Or do you have any ideas how I can incorporate some foot play into our sex life without freaking him out?  I would really like it if he could show some interest in my feet too so if you have any ideas how I can get him interested then please let me know.

I really hope you can help and would be extremely grateful for any advice.

Kind regards,

The good news is that foot fetishes are extremely common and unless your boyfriend is a super-conservative prig I can't imagine he would be that freaked out by it. I would suggest nuzzling or sucking his toes during foreplay and seeing what his reaction is -- he may enjoy it! Even if it's not a turn-on for him if you explain how much you love it he may be perfectly willing to incorporate it into your bedroom routine, especially if you're willing to do things that he enjoys but which you may not care less about. There's nothing abnormal about a foot fetish. So stay on your toes, play with those big feet of his, and see what happens! I mean, as fetishes go, a foot fetish is no big deal.

When Lovers Become Friends

I'm hoping that you can help with this. I respect your opinion and I'd love to know how you feel about this situation. It's like this. My lover and I have been together many years and are both in our forties. Our sex life pretty much died two or three years ago. This greatly distresses me, as I am a sexual person and am still attracted to my lover, and he says he's still attracted to me [but doesn't act like he means it.] He has put on quite a bit of weight and while I still love him and want to make love to him, I think he is very self-conscious. I am not drop-dead gorgeous by any means, but I still have no trouble attracting men. Frankly, I am horny as hell and would like to get it on with some of the guys who come on to me when I'm in a bar. I've told my lover that it's just sex, animal passion, that my having an encounter [safe sex ONLY] or a fuck buddy or something to take the edge off would not mean I love him any less, but he's adamant that true love means you remain monogamous. I'm too young to just give up on sex the way he has. I've told him that rather than lying to him and "cheating" on him and going behind his back, that if we can't have an open relationship I'd rather we just become friends; I don't want to hurt him. He says that breaking up with him would hurt him even more. It seems to me the only solution is that we remain friends but accept that we are no longer lovers. We could still be there for each other, as friends are, but no longer in a relationship that has been devoid of sex and passion for far too long. What do you think? Anon.

Here's what I think. I pretty much agree with you. If this guy loves you, I can't see why he can't make love to you. I appreciate the fact that he may have become self-conscious, but he should be happy that in spite of the weight gain he's got a.) a hot, attractive lover who is still rarin' to go and b.) a lover who wants to get it on with him. What's his problem?

It's true that many couples -- gay or straight -- become more friends and less lovers as the years go by, but if a couple can keep that flame of passion burning, they certainly should.

Your lover is going through a difficult time. He feels he's lost his attractiveness and is terrified of losing you -- who are still attracting men -- to someone else, maybe one of those potential one-night-stands or fuck buddies. If you break up, he can see you with someone else but he can't see himself with somebody else. You probably have no desire to have a new man in your life in the romantic sense (although a little romance or romantic fling probably wouldn't hurt) but because of his inferiority complex he just can't understand that.

It's situations like this that have always made me a believer in sensible open relationships [safe sex must always be a factor].

My advice is to work on his image problem. Get him to a bear bar where big guys are often openly admired. If that doesn't work, gently suggest that he get a little more exercise and watch what he eats. You may have to be pretty blunt with him. Tell him that you like him fine the way he is, but he obviously is self-conscious about his appearance and you want to help him feel better about himself. Tread carefully. He may be super-sensitive on the subject. Still, if he thinks he'll lose you ...

You must make it clear that it's not how he looks that's the problem, but that there is no sex in the relationship and sex is important to you. If his image problem is the reason he won't make love to you, it is something that you both have to address, and that he has to attend to if he wants the two of you to continue as a couple. This is also true if the problem is a low sex drive or something else. People who give up all sex are sometimes suffering from depression or other medical conditions; if necessary make sure he gets a complete check up.

Think long and hard about breaking up, however. If this relationship is important to you and if it's working in other regards, then you may not want to throw it away too quickly. It can be easy to have sex; but not so easy to land a compatible lifetime partner. While I can't heartily recommend this, it may be that you'll have to have some encounters on the sly just to keep your sexual sanity. Everyone has a right to have a sex life and don't dare feel guilty about it or Dr. Bill will come after you!

But I'm hoping your lover will understand what's at stake. Either he goes for an open relationship, he improves his image and therefore his sexual self-esteem, or he settles for friendship while you get laid and possibly move on.

Good luck.