Boyfriend's Sexuality

Hi I was wondering if you could help me with this:

I am female and was in a common law relationship with my husband for the past several years.  We have recently split up. Since the split up was a bit shocking to me and my husband has been pretty quiet to the reasoning behind it except to blame it on me, I was doing a bit of snooping to see if I could figure out why. I found a recent credit card statement that had me puzzled to a purchase so I called the toll free number to find out what it was. Turns out it is a gay/bi, guys only dating or hook up site. When calling to investigate what it was, they willingly provided me with information about the account since I had acted as if I was unaware of the charge. My husband has been a free member of the site for several years and he has been a paying member for over a year. They even provided me with the user name and email address used for the account so there is no denying it is him.

I’m sure you can imagine my shock, surprise and initial anger, but since we are still trying to work through a separation agreement I have decided to not rock the boat right now. I have taken the time to read through many of your posts and like a lot of the direction you provide people with in somewhat similar situations. That being said I think my initial anger has subsided except for the anger of involving myself, my children and our own child in this scenario when he was obviously aware of his desires at the time. I rationalize that perhaps he was still mixed with his emotions and afraid of his own feelings and therefore was hoping a new relationship/family would fix what he seems to view as a problem? With having time to think this through I can now see some of the possible “warning signs” that I obviously overlooked. He was constantly wanting me to allow him to have anal sex with me and he liked to perform anal sex with toys on himself. If this is a big enough sign? He has even stated since our break up that he has “looked into” being gay. I brushed this off as a joke at the time.

So truly my question, once the dust settles from the turmoil of our separation do I confront him on what I know now? I have no intentions of being angry with him. I am more thinking along the lines of allowing him to have someone to talk to if he so wishes. Ultimately, is it fair for me to “out” him when he probably isn’t prepared for me to know this information? But I also don’t want to hold this in and at some point blurt it out in anger…

I think it would be helpful for you to at some point have a discussion with this man regarding his sexuality. You may be right that he was conflicted and not necessarily trying to defraud you or use you as a beard. Nevertheless, he knew about his attraction to men all the while. Some men like this consider themselves bisexual -- rightly or wrongly as each case is different -- but being bi does not mean a person has to have both sexes -- in other words, cheating is cheating. When all is said and done you are well out of the relationship. I must say his blaming you for the break-up is completely unfair as he was dishonest with you on many levels. I think at some point you need to get it out in a non-judgmental fashion if for no other reason than to get closure and move on.

Crabby

Hello Dr. Bill,

First, thank you for your time in answering this question.

I am a 50-year-old gay man and have been out since I was 16.  I lead a rather conventional suburban lifestyle in the SF Bay Area.  A few years back, I ended a 17 year relationship and I have been with my current boyfriend for two years. We don't live together but we are in a sexually and emotionally monogamous relationship.

I would hate to think that I am being naive, but what are the chances of getting crabs without having had sex with someone?  I got them but I did not have sex with anyone and my boyfriend said he did not have sex with anyone as well.  I have not tried on new clothes or slept in anyone else's bed.  I am completely baffled on how I could have gotten these little "buggers."

Any light you can shed would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you, again.

 

Well, first let me make it clear that yes, you can get crabs without having sex with anyone, but there are certain conditions. The problem in your case is that you have not shared anyone's clothing, slept in someone else's bed, and presumably have not shared towels with anyone, either. That eliminates most of the possibilities. Technically, I suppose one could get crabs from a toilet seat if you use it not long after an infected person has been sitting there, but remember that crabs do not live too long away from the warmth of the host body -- and they have little reason to leave it just to hang out on a toilet seat. Is it possible that your boyfriend borrowed clothing from someone, or crashed in someone's apartment [without necessarily having sex with them]?

However, the truth is that people generally wind up with crab lice after having sex -- or at least some kind of close physical contact -- with someone else. Perhaps your boyfriend can shed some light on where he picked them up? Or perhaps be a little more honest? But remember, if he did have a one-night-stand, don't over-react. Sometimes these things happen and they really don't mean anything. 

That being said, most people can forgive an occasional "indiscretion" more than they can getting crabs -- especially without the pleasure of sex!

Gay/Bi Guys Who Cheat on Their Gals

I received this comment in regards to my post on "Perpetrating Fraud?":

I agree that when a closet gay or (supposed "bisexual) does not tell his partner he is sexually confused, doesn't tell her thinks he's "bi" or might be gay, but lives with her for years, is DEFRAUDING her. While some guys may sex [have sex with] both men and women, I disagree with the term “bisexual.” I believe that those who use that word to describe themselves use it to “feed-forward” to society and the world that it’s okay to sex both men and women, when, in actuality, I’ll bet that most of those who call themselves “bi” are SEXUALLY CONFUSED from having been raped as children, and they want to “re-live” their sexual abuse (“purge” if you will) their experience onto their adult female partners. I think this was the case with my ex of many years. He hid his “other side” from me until the very end, and it was SICK, DEMENTED, ABUSIVE behavior. No. I believe the only TRUE “bisexuals” are hermaphrodites..those born with BOTH sets of sex organs, and think that others who try to “promote” the THEORY of bisexuality want to make it SEEM like their SICK, SEXUAL IDENTITY CONFUSION is “normal”. It’s NOT normal. My ex was a “bottom”, too, I think. In my 9th year with him, he joined a swingers’ site, advertising himself as BI (or bi-curious, but he clearly indicated “BI”), seeking BI sex. His first wife and I had a conversation, finally. She told me he wanted her to “reverse” sex roles with her, for her to be the GUY, and wear a STRAP-ON. Of course, she didn’t comply. One time, he donned one of my wigs and underwear. THAT should have been my BIG PINK FLAG to get out. I just thought he was being silly at the time. He also told me that when he was age 12, his gay male cousin, at age 15, had oral sex with him; that would be enough to mess anyone up in the head, for the rest of his/her life. He cheated on BOTH wives, and both OTHER women, besides them, with whom he lived. After all was said and done, he even tried to project that I was lesbian (I’m not), and I believe he just wanted me as SEXUALLY CONFUSED as he is/was. I am thoroughly SICK of these DOWN-LOW males..won’t call them “men”…just SICK freaks. According to what I’ve read on DDHG and womansavers.com, most of them are GIGOLOS, too. Don’t believe me? See my profile on womansavers.com, for [deleted]. I also disagree with Gay Dr. Bill when he says that marriages can work if bisexuality is a "known" before the marriage. I think that can work only if the man and woman have agreed for her to be a "beard", or if they both are, in reality, swingers.

Okay, there's a lot to deal with here, so I'll get right to the main stuff.

It's obvious that you had a long-time relationship with a man who turned out to be gay or bisexual in his behavior, and who cheated on you on a pretty constant basis. As you know, I disapprove of men -- whether they are, or think they are, gay, bi, whatever -- who do not disclose their same-sex attractions to the women they date or marry. In fact, after forty years of the modern day Gay Rights movement, I'm pretty sick of this type of behavior and the people it hurts -- the women used as beards, and the men who live in a closet and who can't come to terms with their own sexuality.

That being said, there are some things that I find a touch troubling with your post. This is not the time or place to go into a long discussion on the ins and outs, realities and myths, of bisexuality, or what sometimes passes for same, but I don't know if bisexual behavior -- that is, people sleeping/getting involved with members of both sexes -- can be linked to childhood sexual abuse. In cases of phony or ersatz bisexuality, it's more likely that the individual can't accept their essentially homosexual nature, so they cling to a "normal" heterosexual relationship or marriage while seeking out the partners they really want on, as you call it, the down low. Undoubtedly, there are people who identify as bisexual who are confused as to their sexuality, working it out until they feel comfortable being gay. It would be wrong to assume that someone who is genuinely bisexual is "sick" or "maladjusted" as it would be to assume that about someone who is gay.

[For the record, it is unlikely that hermaphrodites of the type you mention actually exist. The modern-day term for such people is intersexed, and they do not have both male and female sexual organs, but rather a commingling of both. The parents decide -- via surgery -- which sex the child will be, and when that child is an adult he or she can decide to stay that way or change their sex again via surgery.]

I am also troubled by your talk of "sick" and "demented" behavior. While I understand your outrage that your man was cheating on you and lying to you about himself, it doesn't mean that the homosexual activities he indulged in were in any way depraved. You might find them repellent, but that doesn't make them in any way perverse. Remember it is society's negative attitudes about homosexual behavior that often drive men like the guy you're mad at into the closet [not that this necessarily excuses them].

As for down-low gay/bi guys being gigolos, well, there are an awful lot of genuinely heterosexual men who live off women as well -- I wouldn't say it's just a gay or bi thing, would you? We have to remember there are a lot of married [to women] homosexual men who have been good providers for their wives and children regardless of their true sexual feelings and identities. And there have been many cases of men who get married, then accept that they are gay, continuing to provide for their families even after they get divorced and find a male partner.

Okay. You got stuck with a stinker. But maybe your next romantic adventure will be with a man who is honest and good.

When Lovers Become Friends

I'm hoping that you can help with this. I respect your opinion and I'd love to know how you feel about this situation. It's like this. My lover and I have been together many years and are both in our forties. Our sex life pretty much died two or three years ago. This greatly distresses me, as I am a sexual person and am still attracted to my lover, and he says he's still attracted to me [but doesn't act like he means it.] He has put on quite a bit of weight and while I still love him and want to make love to him, I think he is very self-conscious. I am not drop-dead gorgeous by any means, but I still have no trouble attracting men. Frankly, I am horny as hell and would like to get it on with some of the guys who come on to me when I'm in a bar. I've told my lover that it's just sex, animal passion, that my having an encounter [safe sex ONLY] or a fuck buddy or something to take the edge off would not mean I love him any less, but he's adamant that true love means you remain monogamous. I'm too young to just give up on sex the way he has. I've told him that rather than lying to him and "cheating" on him and going behind his back, that if we can't have an open relationship I'd rather we just become friends; I don't want to hurt him. He says that breaking up with him would hurt him even more. It seems to me the only solution is that we remain friends but accept that we are no longer lovers. We could still be there for each other, as friends are, but no longer in a relationship that has been devoid of sex and passion for far too long. What do you think? Anon.

Here's what I think. I pretty much agree with you. If this guy loves you, I can't see why he can't make love to you. I appreciate the fact that he may have become self-conscious, but he should be happy that in spite of the weight gain he's got a.) a hot, attractive lover who is still rarin' to go and b.) a lover who wants to get it on with him. What's his problem?

It's true that many couples -- gay or straight -- become more friends and less lovers as the years go by, but if a couple can keep that flame of passion burning, they certainly should.

Your lover is going through a difficult time. He feels he's lost his attractiveness and is terrified of losing you -- who are still attracting men -- to someone else, maybe one of those potential one-night-stands or fuck buddies. If you break up, he can see you with someone else but he can't see himself with somebody else. You probably have no desire to have a new man in your life in the romantic sense (although a little romance or romantic fling probably wouldn't hurt) but because of his inferiority complex he just can't understand that.

It's situations like this that have always made me a believer in sensible open relationships [safe sex must always be a factor].

My advice is to work on his image problem. Get him to a bear bar where big guys are often openly admired. If that doesn't work, gently suggest that he get a little more exercise and watch what he eats. You may have to be pretty blunt with him. Tell him that you like him fine the way he is, but he obviously is self-conscious about his appearance and you want to help him feel better about himself. Tread carefully. He may be super-sensitive on the subject. Still, if he thinks he'll lose you ...

You must make it clear that it's not how he looks that's the problem, but that there is no sex in the relationship and sex is important to you. If his image problem is the reason he won't make love to you, it is something that you both have to address, and that he has to attend to if he wants the two of you to continue as a couple. This is also true if the problem is a low sex drive or something else. People who give up all sex are sometimes suffering from depression or other medical conditions; if necessary make sure he gets a complete check up.

Think long and hard about breaking up, however. If this relationship is important to you and if it's working in other regards, then you may not want to throw it away too quickly. It can be easy to have sex; but not so easy to land a compatible lifetime partner. While I can't heartily recommend this, it may be that you'll have to have some encounters on the sly just to keep your sexual sanity. Everyone has a right to have a sex life and don't dare feel guilty about it or Dr. Bill will come after you!

But I'm hoping your lover will understand what's at stake. Either he goes for an open relationship, he improves his image and therefore his sexual self-esteem, or he settles for friendship while you get laid and possibly move on.

Good luck.

Hit On By Horny Hubby

I am a single gay man in my forties. A married couple I'll call "Dick and Jane" live on the same floor in my building. I am openly gay, so they both know all about me, and seem gay friendly. I got a certain "feeling" about Dick, who works at home (as I do) and seems to have one excuse after another to drop by my apartment virtually every afternoon, although lately I have taken to not answering the door. I am not interested in having sex with him or in getting into any kind of scene with this married closet queen, but I am convinced by his behavior, the way he looks at me, and many other things that he is attracted to me and is hoping to get it on. I am not at all into Woody Allen types (that's whom he resembles, only much younger), among other problems. It has reached the point where I'm almost ready to bar the door and tell his wife to put him on a leash! Buddy.

Does the wife look like Mia? How many kids have they adopted? Seriously, while it can be flattering to have someone kind of infatuated/hot for you, I don't think I would particularly care to have a married man who looks like Woody Allen ringing my door bell every afternoon either. [No offense to anyone who might look like Woody Allen. He's done all right for himself.]

I also say: Get right to the point. If you're absolutely convinced that this guy is sniffing around you in heat -- that he's not just a little lonely while (I assume) his wife is at the office -- then either never answer your door again or invite him in for some coffee and consolation. Tell him:

A.) You don't date married men.

B.) You don't date married men who look like Woody Allen. (Okay. Forget "B.")

C.) You don't date closet cases.

D.) You don't want to help him commit adultery.

E.) You'll have sex with him if he lets you have sex with his wife.

Okay -- I was so amused by your question that I'm getting a little silly. Here is my serious advice.

Definitely tell him that you think you know why he's coming around so often and (don't hurt his feelings) that you're extremely uncomfortable with the notion of fooling around with someone who's not only married but who lives down the hall with his wife. Jeez!

Ask him if he feels that he is or might be gay -- he might be a gay brother reaching out for understanding and striving for self-acceptance, and that may be why he's hanging around you -- an openly gay man -- so much. Tell him it's okay to be gay and recommend counseling at any gay center in your area. (And have him write Gay Dr. Bill. I'll set him "straight.")

If he's just a classic married homosexual or possibly bisexual who wants to cheat on his wife -- if he has zero gay identity and no interest in coming out -- tell him you'd rather he stay down on his end of the hall -- or you'll tell his wife to keep him on a fucking leash.

That oughta do it.

Boyfriend Parties Too Heartily?

My boyfriend (of one year) and I just spent the weekend together. On Saturday nite we went to a bear party. This was my very first one. I have been out for the past three years. I come from an extremely religious family (pentecostal) where being gay is just as bad as being a murderer. I love my boyfriend, he means the world to me. About three hours into this party I felt overwhelmed with things that were going on, for example all the sex in the bathroom etc. etc. etc. I wanted to go back to our room so he took me then asked if I was alright with him going back. I said yes go have fun. I felt stupid and angry at myself for not staying. I have in this past year left one other event where I felt this same way. Two questions: how do I get used to the varied atmospheres of events? Is it possible to get around my background and just enjoy? Ok three questions: early Sunday morning I find out my boyfriend got a bj after he went back to the party . . .it is or I thought it was/is a committed relationship between us. I'm feeling hurt by what he let happen but I also feel like I caused it. Now he says I need to be able to handle such events and just relax or it is quite possible our relationship might end. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. T.

Sometimes a gay party turns into an orgy [ditto for straight parties naturally]. Regardless of their backgrounds some people feel comfortable with this and some people don't. I have seen two lovers happily pursue guys at parties, even have sex with them, and nobody gets upset because they realize it's just sex, it has nothing to do with the way both men feel about each other. Still, not every guy is comfortable in this situation. I think your boyfriend is telling you the blow job was no big deal, that it has nothing to do with his feelings for you, but you are not the only man who feels uneasy with this. It may not necessarily have anything to do with your religious background, either. Some people, regardless of sex or sexual orientation, are only comfortable with a strictly monogamous relationship --and that includes no blow jobs at parties -- and others are a little more flexible. There's no right or wrong; it depends on the individual.

Your boyfriend might be suggesting that he wants an open relationship, and he's implying that he'll end things if you don't agree to go along with that. I have no problem with open relationships if a.) both parties agree to it beforehand and b.) both parties scrupulously stick to safe sex and get tested for STDs on a regular basis. It sounds to me as if you and your boyfriend never had this discussion, or at least that he perhaps takes your relationship a bit more casually than you do. This is something you need to sit down and talk with him about. You both need to define your relationship and set boundaries, if any.

Frankly, if your boyfriend is going to limit his extra-curricular activities to getting the occasional blow job at a party [as opposed to going out regularly hunting for one-night-stands] then maybe you should cut him some slack. I use the term "orgy," but that, of course, is an overstatement if we're just talking about a couple of party guests, ahem, going into the bathroom in twos for a little fooling around. Still, your partner has to be more sensitive to the fact that your relationship is still very new, and you'd rather not have him spreading himself around.

Can you get past any religious hang ups you may have at being gay? Definitely. If religion is important to you find a group or Church that isn't homophobic and is welcoming to gays. Remember, the negative attitudes that you've been fed are based on ignorance.

Whether you'll ever feel comfortable with the wilder gay parties is another story, however. As I say, it may not have much to do with your background. Right now you want badly to feel that you're part of a loving couple, and you want your boyfriend to feel the same way, and parties or events where casual sex with third parties is part of the program is clearly not something that appeals to you, and possibly never will.

Discuss all this with your boyfriend in a non-judgmental way. There is no right or wrong, but you both need to at least reach some sort of compromise. Neither of you should throw away a relationship over what is probably an inconsequential blow job at a party, but you have every right to discuss your feelings about it with the man in your life.

We all have the right to set limits in our own lives, and to feel uncomfortable in certain situations. I know men who leave parties when things get a little too sexy, not because they're prudes, but because they're just not comfortable with the whole situation. They prefer making love in a bed with someone they care about; not grasping at drunken strangers and vice versa.

[While I have no problem with grasping at drunken strangers, I personally would rather not have an audience if I'm engaging in sexual activity, while other guys feel just the opposite. I don't necessarily mind if someone pulls out a joint -- I mean, a reefer, marijuana -- but heavy drug use is a complete turn-off to me and I would probably not stick around in such a scenario.]

Different strokes for different folks.

Talk to your boyfriend. You may find that you can work this out more easily than you imagine. Best of Luck! Let me know if I can be of further assistance.