Hacked or Lying?

Hi, I really need your advise. I went to go on my email account & my partners email account popped up and there were a few emails from gay websites. I sent an email to them saying i had forgot my password & got the password & went onto the site & there was a profile using his middle name & nickname, there was no photo, there was a little comment written that i wont repeat. I totally freaked out & went and showed him and asked him what was going on & he totally denied it & said someone else had done it & he knew nothing about it, he said he must have been hacked, I might have let it go even though i was completely suss, but a few weeks before this i saw in the history of our brand new lap top that someone had gone to the exact same gay matchmaking website, i just thought maybe it had been clicked on by mistake or something but then when i found the emails & the profile i new something wasn't right, he keeps saying he doesn't know how the history got onto the computer & that he didn't go on any site & that i should trust him & forget about it, but i cant! I don't know what to do, It's not possible for history to just appear in a computer?? and why would someone else make a profile for him?? i need some advise please 

Well, you're right that this web site wouldn't magically appear on a computer's history without someone  who's using the laptop having gone to that site. Unless there's some elaborate plot against your boyfriend, it's likely that he knows more than he's telling. [If someone wanted to create a fake account for him, they would probably have included a photo, assuming he has some posted on line, like on Facebook.] If he had come up with some explanation, however, bizarre, it would have been better than his complete denial. 

A "bi-curious" man is someone who is living a straight lifestyle who is secretly wondering if he might be gay, or at least bisexual. The problem for the women these guys get involved with is that it's hard for them [and even the guy] to know exactly what their preference is, and what straight woman wants to invest years in a relationship with a guy who may come totally out of the closet at any moment.

Your boyfriend may not necessarily think of himself as gay or bi just yet, so he clearly isn't ready to talk about it with you. Yet it's obviously something the two of you have to address at some point. If he's actively pursuing men at gay web sites, and even having sex with men, you need to know about it. [Some of these guys think it isn't cheating if their partners are male!] Closeted men looking for sex with other guys often don't post their photos on these web sites, but they can include photos in the site's private message system or in emails they send to the members. Now that he knows you're on to him, he's probably going to stay away from the site, so it will be harder to see exactly how he responds to messages from other members.

At some point you will have to sit him down in a non-judgmental way and ask him if he's struggling with his sexual identity. Be understanding and sympathetic, but firm. This affects your life as well as his. If he's gay [or a bi man whose preference is definitely men, which is the usual scenario], he needs to acknowledge it for both of your sakes so you can both move on and be happy. It's often hard for women in these situations to let go -- and they always have my sympathies -- but it's generally for the best.

Gay/Bi Guys Who Cheat on Their Gals

I received this comment in regards to my post on "Perpetrating Fraud?":

I agree that when a closet gay or (supposed "bisexual) does not tell his partner he is sexually confused, doesn't tell her thinks he's "bi" or might be gay, but lives with her for years, is DEFRAUDING her. While some guys may sex [have sex with] both men and women, I disagree with the term “bisexual.” I believe that those who use that word to describe themselves use it to “feed-forward” to society and the world that it’s okay to sex both men and women, when, in actuality, I’ll bet that most of those who call themselves “bi” are SEXUALLY CONFUSED from having been raped as children, and they want to “re-live” their sexual abuse (“purge” if you will) their experience onto their adult female partners. I think this was the case with my ex of many years. He hid his “other side” from me until the very end, and it was SICK, DEMENTED, ABUSIVE behavior. No. I believe the only TRUE “bisexuals” are hermaphrodites..those born with BOTH sets of sex organs, and think that others who try to “promote” the THEORY of bisexuality want to make it SEEM like their SICK, SEXUAL IDENTITY CONFUSION is “normal”. It’s NOT normal. My ex was a “bottom”, too, I think. In my 9th year with him, he joined a swingers’ site, advertising himself as BI (or bi-curious, but he clearly indicated “BI”), seeking BI sex. His first wife and I had a conversation, finally. She told me he wanted her to “reverse” sex roles with her, for her to be the GUY, and wear a STRAP-ON. Of course, she didn’t comply. One time, he donned one of my wigs and underwear. THAT should have been my BIG PINK FLAG to get out. I just thought he was being silly at the time. He also told me that when he was age 12, his gay male cousin, at age 15, had oral sex with him; that would be enough to mess anyone up in the head, for the rest of his/her life. He cheated on BOTH wives, and both OTHER women, besides them, with whom he lived. After all was said and done, he even tried to project that I was lesbian (I’m not), and I believe he just wanted me as SEXUALLY CONFUSED as he is/was. I am thoroughly SICK of these DOWN-LOW males..won’t call them “men”…just SICK freaks. According to what I’ve read on DDHG and womansavers.com, most of them are GIGOLOS, too. Don’t believe me? See my profile on womansavers.com, for [deleted]. I also disagree with Gay Dr. Bill when he says that marriages can work if bisexuality is a "known" before the marriage. I think that can work only if the man and woman have agreed for her to be a "beard", or if they both are, in reality, swingers.

Okay, there's a lot to deal with here, so I'll get right to the main stuff.

It's obvious that you had a long-time relationship with a man who turned out to be gay or bisexual in his behavior, and who cheated on you on a pretty constant basis. As you know, I disapprove of men -- whether they are, or think they are, gay, bi, whatever -- who do not disclose their same-sex attractions to the women they date or marry. In fact, after forty years of the modern day Gay Rights movement, I'm pretty sick of this type of behavior and the people it hurts -- the women used as beards, and the men who live in a closet and who can't come to terms with their own sexuality.

That being said, there are some things that I find a touch troubling with your post. This is not the time or place to go into a long discussion on the ins and outs, realities and myths, of bisexuality, or what sometimes passes for same, but I don't know if bisexual behavior -- that is, people sleeping/getting involved with members of both sexes -- can be linked to childhood sexual abuse. In cases of phony or ersatz bisexuality, it's more likely that the individual can't accept their essentially homosexual nature, so they cling to a "normal" heterosexual relationship or marriage while seeking out the partners they really want on, as you call it, the down low. Undoubtedly, there are people who identify as bisexual who are confused as to their sexuality, working it out until they feel comfortable being gay. It would be wrong to assume that someone who is genuinely bisexual is "sick" or "maladjusted" as it would be to assume that about someone who is gay.

[For the record, it is unlikely that hermaphrodites of the type you mention actually exist. The modern-day term for such people is intersexed, and they do not have both male and female sexual organs, but rather a commingling of both. The parents decide -- via surgery -- which sex the child will be, and when that child is an adult he or she can decide to stay that way or change their sex again via surgery.]

I am also troubled by your talk of "sick" and "demented" behavior. While I understand your outrage that your man was cheating on you and lying to you about himself, it doesn't mean that the homosexual activities he indulged in were in any way depraved. You might find them repellent, but that doesn't make them in any way perverse. Remember it is society's negative attitudes about homosexual behavior that often drive men like the guy you're mad at into the closet [not that this necessarily excuses them].

As for down-low gay/bi guys being gigolos, well, there are an awful lot of genuinely heterosexual men who live off women as well -- I wouldn't say it's just a gay or bi thing, would you? We have to remember there are a lot of married [to women] homosexual men who have been good providers for their wives and children regardless of their true sexual feelings and identities. And there have been many cases of men who get married, then accept that they are gay, continuing to provide for their families even after they get divorced and find a male partner.

Okay. You got stuck with a stinker. But maybe your next romantic adventure will be with a man who is honest and good.

The Downlow

Can you explain to me something about the "downlow" or "lowdown" or whatever it's called. Something to do with closeted men who are gay or bisexual. Is this just in the black community? I'm a straight woman but I'm curious about this phenomenon. Anon.

The downlow is an expression first used in and about the African-American community -- popularized by a major article in the Sunday New York Times Magazine some years ago -- but it's a situation that occurs within all ethnic backgrounds. Someone on the downlow is a person who is publicly straight but privately homosexual or bisexual, engaging in homosexual acts and occasionally relationships on the sly. Generally we're talking about men married to women who regularly engage in sex with other men. Despite this -- and because of the straight lifestyles they lead, not to mention the guilt and shame they feel -- most of these men think of themselves as being straight. They are not -- they are just in denial, suffering from internalized homophobia. Closet cases, in other words.

There is no reason to believe that this situation occurs more among black men than white, Asian, Latino etc. It also has to be said that in the African-American community there are many Out and Proud Gay Males. It is frequently said that this kind of situation develops more in male communities where machismo is king, but men of all ethnic backgrounds can fall prey to old-fashioned macho attitudes and the insecurities they engender. Some men on the downlow identify as bisexual, but think other men are just for sex and women are for relationships; in truth, their shame over their homosexuality would in all likelihood prevent them from developing a committed relationship with another male, or from recognizing in many cases that they are essentially homosexual.

Gay Liberation -- 99% of which is in the head -- is the antidote to the downlow.

Whites On the Downlow

Over the weekend I watched an episode of Law and Order: Criminal Intent. Although the plot went in another direction, the first victim and another guy were married men with children who had sex with guys on the side; I guess they were sort of on what we call the "downlow." I always thought the downlow was an African-American phenomenon but the two guys on the program were both Caucasian. Did Law and Order take some dramatic license here or what? Anon.

Although "being on the downlow" is a term that has been used within the African-American community to describe men who lead straight lives but who have sex with men on a regular basis, this type of behavior is certainly not limited to the African-American community. Neither is it a recent phenomenon. There are, sadly, even in this day and age, gay/bi men of all ethnicities and backgrounds who are ashamed of their homosexual feelings and want to come off as straight to their families and the world at large while indulging their sexual appetites with the men they truly desire. Their internalized homophobia prevents them from exploring or giving in to any romantic feelings they may have for other men. They occasionally go to gay bars, but more often they haunt online gay dating sites, occasionally calling themselves "married bi's" because it sounds better than "self-hating closet case."

One of the characters on the episode you mentioned told the cops that he "loved his wife and children." This is often a true statement with men like that, but they generally don't have strong romantic or sexual passion for their wives. Their wives may be their pals or best friends (as well as the mothers of their children), but the main reason they love them is because these women are the bedrock of the closet that their husbands hide in; they (supposedly) prevent the world at large from identifying these self-hating homos as "fags." And, boy, are these guys grateful!

In any case, being on the downlow is not a healthy situation in any sense of the word.

Don Juan Homosexuals

What is a "Don Juan homosexual" and are there many of them? Anon.

You don't hear the term much anymore but a Don Juan homosexual is a man who sleeps with and/or gets involved romantically with many, many women because he can't deal with his homosexuality and wants to prove to himself and others that he's a "man." He takes the notion that a "virile" man must be heterosexual too literally. You would think that Gay Liberation would have eradicated most of these guys, but they still exist. There are men who have had several marriages (none successful) and many children who are actually repressed homosexuals -- they can sleep with women successfully but their main sexual attraction is to men. Some of these guys do have sex with men but do it on the "downlow," ashamed of their feelings and actions. They often have a "macho" meat-headed mindset, but Don Juan homosexuals can often be the more intellectual type. Some of them go their entire lives without having gay sex. They have low self-esteem and it's important for them to be seen as heterosexual, "manly" men and studly lover boys. Their marriages often end not because they cheat with men but with women, each time hoping that this new conquest will be the woman who will convince them forevermore that they're "normal."

Sad, really.