Homophobia is Alive and Well

I wanted to draw your attention to a podcast I listened to today that I personally found a bit disturbing.

http://podcastone.com/Bret-Easton-Ellis-Podcast

It's a weekly podcast hosted by the author Bret Easton Ellis, where he discusses Hollywood, movies and popular culture with a different celebrity guest each week. 

This week his guest was actress turned director Rose McGowan, who organized the "Gay-in" at the Beverly Hills Hotel in May this year, in protest against the anti-gay laws in Brunei.

She's very articulate and makes some good points about, for example, people being hypocrites by boycotting the hotel while doing business with Saudi Arabia. But unfortunately during the interview (listen from 27:30 to 42:00) she launches into a rant about the gay community and gay men in particular.

She accuses gay men of being misogynistic, in her own words "just as, if not more, misogynistic than straight men." This really upset me, because although some gay men can be very disrespectful towards women, referring to them as "cunts" or "sluts", [straight men, too -- Bill] I know a great many gay men who have fantastic friendships with women, and are very supportive of gender equality and feminism. [Hear! Hear!] What really got my goat, however, was when she asserted that "not one single gay man has spoken out in support of women." Here I call bullshit. [You said it!]

I'd really appreciate if you could listen to that segment of the show, because I've heard this opinion voiced so many times by so many different people, and it always upsets me. I'd love to have a really pithy come-back when people say that to me! I think such a common accusation leveled against gay men would make a great topic for Ask Dr Bill. What do you think?

Btw it's the podcast dated 10/6/2014.

Darren 

Many thanks for calling my attention to this. I agree that that old stereotype of gay men as women-haters -- which is essentially what this lady is saying -- should have fallen by the wayside by now. How a man thinks about women [or some women] depends on the individual man -- not on his sexual orientation. 

Rose McGowan is a young lady who seems unaware of a lot of facts about the gay community and the gay rights struggle as well as the community's relationship to other human rights organizations. Many years ago New York's Gay Activists Alliance, the country's first militant [non-violent] Gay Rights group decided to focus on gay rights only because in previous groups the members -- also committed to black rights, women's rights, etc. -- were so busy rushing off to one rally after another that they never got anything done pertaining to gay rights. GAA supported other organizations and the members could selectively choose to attend any rallies etc. that they wanted to, but if they hadn't stayed focused on gay rights they never would have achieved anything. You can say the same thing about gay groups that followed, and women's and black groups as well. NOW [National Organization of Women] may well have supported gay causes but you can believe they stayed focused on feminism or they would have accomplished little. McGowan seems to think that because some states have gay marriage that the whole struggle is over and gay groups should just disband or lend a hand elsewhere. For heaven's sake, didn't the fact that the gay movement expanded to become the LGBT movement, embracing and including bisexuals and transsexuals, prove that many Gays and Lesbians were not solely focused on themselves? Besides, with the scary things going on in Russia, China, Turkey, and other nations pertaining to gay/human rights violations, only a totally self-absorbed stereotypical "Hollywood" type would think there is no homophobia anymore. That's just as ridiculous as saying there's no racism or sexism. Or is that just "narcissistic gay self-victimization" as Ellis calls it? [More on that later.]

Well-adjusted gay men are not misogynous -- either toward straight women or lesbians -- and as you rightly point out many have loving relationships with females. Self-hating gay men may have issues, but it's simple ignorance for McGowan to "indict" gay men and suggest that most, if not all, fall into the sexist category.  In my experience there is often a bond between many gay men and women, both of whom have been subjected to abuse by what used to be called the "hetero-sexist" society. I have personally met many male "feminists" and I myself have supported women's rights my entire adult life. McGowan is taking incidents -- unpleasant gay men she has met -- and using them to back up her theory, which is so homophobic in one sense [the old "gay men hate women" canard] that it's almost scary. I am not familiar with her work, which hardly makes me a woman-hater, but she has perhaps on occasion gotten negative reactions for one thing or another from men who happen to be gay and allowed this to knock her scales out of whack. 

Not to slander heterosexual men, and not to indulge in the kind of generalizations that characterize Ms. McGowan's thinking concerning gay men, but I think "straight" men in general are a lot more misogynous than gay men. It usually isn't Out and Proud gay men who rape women, batter their wives, become deadbeat daddies and so on. Gay Men don't get sore at women due to romantic disappointments. Sure, there are fucked up gay men out there, but to say they are typical of the community is ludicrous and offensive. 

I have a feeling McGowan doesn't mean to be homophobic, but is speaking out of simple ignorance. Both she and Ellis exhibit that kind of [admittedly stereotypical] lopsided, off the cuff, kind of superficial thinking that seemingly dismisses people who fight for gay rights or have concern for gay issues as merely belonging to a cult of victimization or as being "morons." Some people actually care about gays in other countries who are suffering terrible abuses; others just care about themselves or what's going on with their careers, no matter how much they may protest otherwise. It's like "Some bitchy queens diss my work -- gee the gay male community must be fucked up." 

And consider where Ms. McGowan is hoping to find men [gay or straight] who are progressive and committed to women's rights [or gay rights for that matter]: Hollywood? (Forgive me if I'm indulging in some stereotyping of my own.) Even Ellis doesn't seem much committed to anything; perhaps in this I'm unfair but he gives no opposition to McGowan's words.

Sadly, you can always find men of whatever persuasion who have a problem with women (and vice versa). To suggest that most or all gay men have that problem ignores both history and reality.

If you want a comeback when someone brings this up to you again say: "I don't have a problem with women; maybe you have a problem with men like me."

Abused Boyfriend and Church Elder

Dear Dr. Bill. Just this past Sunday my boyfriend told me that when he was a 16 he started attending church and the bishop of the church took interest in him. He said the bishop was highly respected as a man of God and all the parishioners led him to believe that he was special because the bishop favored him. When he turned 17 he went on a trip with the bishop and the bishop coerced him into sex. The thing that's startling to me is that sexual contact continued for several years. He said he was brainwashed, coerced and taken advantage of by a man that he looked up to. I am having a hard time processing that sexual contact continued for so long. I love him, but I do not know if he's gay. He says he is not. I don't have a problem with him being gay, I just don't want to be used as a beard. He said he is not attracted to men and has never been with another man. I don't know if I should leave or stay!? I support gay rights and I want to support my boyfriend, but I do not want to be used as a coverup for him. That's not fair. 


In most cases when men admit to having had sexual relations with men for years, I can be a Doubting Thomas when they claim to be straight. However, victims of sexual abuse are an entirely different matter. They can grow up to be confused as to their sexual orientation. The problem in this case is that while your boyfriend was a minor -- and could be considered a victim -- he was not a child, as such. One could almost argue that while it was statutory rape due to his age, his being on the cusp of adulthood almost made it consensual. [Of course the bishop was wrong, wrong, wrong. It was a betrayal of the worst and most selfish kind.] The sexual contact continued well into adulthood. A little boy may be confused into thinking that he is doing the right thing and is not being victimized, but an adult is another matter.

I think you should tactfully suggest that your boyfriend get counseling, which victims of abuse should get in any case (if he hasn't already). He may feel such deep shame over what went on between him and the bishop that he can't help but deny his homosexual feelings, if they exist. Only a compassionate and educated counselor or therapist can determine exactly what's going on with his sexuality if he can't figure it out or accept it for himself. If he has a genuine attraction for men, his denying it and feeling guilt over it, will only make it worse for him. And if, as you say, he is ultimately gay [or bisexual with a preference for men], you don't want to be his beard.

Best of luck. 

Husband into Transsexual Porn

Hello Dr. Bill. I wanted to ask your opinion on this. For background my husband was molested when he was a child for several years by a man. He said he used to dress up like a girl to try and make it stop. He slept with a man about  a year before we met. He said he had just moved and was lonely and drunk. He was able to finish but vomited right after. When he talked about it he said the guy was so weak. Now we have been married for several years. I was also molested as a child. In dealing with that it caused me to do some sexual experimentation. My husband expressed to me he would like to be with a transsexual. I agreed as long as we were both involved. He contacted someone on his own and l found out. Then he said that he did not really want to be with one. He said that he has been looking at transsexual porn for a long time, although he says he does not find them attractive in real life. He said regular porn does not do it for him and that he likes that they are ultra feminine and that its dirty. Its always just the sex part and always male on trans. He hates it when its reversed. He also does not like gay porn. I am very open to everyone and have gay friends and family members. But this entire thing makes me feel like he is not satisfied with me and I am holding him back. He swears that he loves me and that it just gets him off. So my question is do you think he is gay and suppressing it? Or does it have to do with the molestation?  We talk about it quite a bit. I am driving him crazy and making him feel less of a man. I don't know what the truth is.  I understand attraction to a man or women. But a man that dresses up? I don't. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you. 

First of all, "a man that dresses up" is not a transsexual but a cross-dresser or transvestite [or "drag queen."] A transsexual is a man or woman who is born into the wrong biological body and has a sex-change to turn them into the right sex. 

Some men who are attracted to males and can't accept it become fixated on cross-dressers because they look like women and act like women but are male with male genitalia. Similarly, transsexuals have become women but biologically they were born male, which some men find homo-erotically titillating. Some Trans Women have not fully transitioned -- had a full sex change -- and still have male genitalia. Men who are attracted to these pre-operative transsexuals may be as interested in the penis as in anything else. To their way of thinking, it's one way of sort of having sex with men while safely feeling that you're really with a woman [and Trans Women are women]. 

Most people have certain fetishes or "kinks" that they find sexually stimulating, and while these may be unpleasant or uninteresting to their mates, they are generally harmless. If your husband limits his extra-curricular activities to looking at transsexual porn than there's probably nothing to worry about.

The fact that your husband was molested as a child by a man might have contributed to his own confusion over his sexual orientation, which sometimes happens to men who have been molested by males when they were boys. On the other hand, his reaction to having sex with a man -- he did it because he was "drunk and lonely," got sick later on, and thought the guy was "weak," could indicate a serious case of what we call "internalized homophobia" or gay self-hatred.

There is no easy answer.  You understand that there are so many issues here that only an analyst could get to the bottom of everything and only after repeated visits. If all of this bothers either of you, you might -- with tact-- suggest that your husband see an open-minded therapist who can take him through all these sexual highways and best determine the right road for him to travel on. But don't suggest that there's something wrong with him, as there isn't.

Gay Self-Hatred

I am gay and have a gay friend who is constantly making negative remarks about other gay people and homosexuality in general.  I have confronted him on this on more than one occasion, but he seems unable to talk about why he feels the way he does. He is Catholic, and may have absorbed some of their virulently homophobic attitudes. I think he has many good qualities, I like him, but his homophobia and negativity often make it difficult to deal with him. We are both in our mid-forties. He has no partner, but I can't imagine he will ever get one with his current attitude. Is there any way to help him get over his internalized homophobia?

Homosexual men like this have hated themselves for so many years that it's often difficult if not impossible to get through to them. That doesn't mean there isn't a chance, but your friend has to admit that there is a problem. He is gay, he can't change it, yet he hates himself and hates being gay, and it is all so unnecessary. You are undoubtedly right that his Catholic upbringing has done a number on him, as it has on so many other gay men and lesbians.

Often the self-hate of people like this is commingled with other negative feelings they have about themselves regarding their looks, weight, frustrated ambitions, loneliness, and so on. Your friend probably has a whole long list of grievances. His negative feelings about himself [aside from his homosexuality] feed off his negative feelings about being gay, and create a vicious circle that he's trapped inside.

Men like this are often expressing negative feelings because they feel rejected by other gay men. He has no boyfriend, probably does not go out on dates, and let's not even get into his sex life. This feeling of being rejected leads to him hating being gay and blaming his homosexuality on all of his problems -- he would be happy, he feels, if only he were straight. Sadly, it doesn't work that way. [And there are plenty of miserable, lonely heterosexuals out there for which being straight is not a magic cure-all.]

Sit down with him and tell him how utterly oppressive you find his attitude to be. In a tactful way help him to maximize his assets and minimize his less attractive features. He can't change his orientation so he might as well accept it, embrace it, and develop some pride in himself. Suggest he get some counseling and that a gay or gay-friendly therapist could help him feel better about himself. And it wouldn't hurt to remind him that more and more people are finding the Catholic church and other religions negative attitudes toward homosexuality to be outrageous and totally out of date.

I mean, guys like this are deep down miserable and they don't need to be.

If he doesn't listen to you, refuses to even talk about it, and his behavior and remarks continue to bother you, then you may just have to lose him as a friend.

Brutal Porn Part Two

Dear Bill:

This is a tough one to write, because I think it's always hard for people to talk about "what they do on the Web" behind closed doors and out of sight. At least, no one I know -- even close friends who seem open about just about everything -- don't talk about their Web surfing much, and never about sex sites. [Some people do talk quite regularly about their various adventures on the web and on porn sites. Depends on the individual and often on how "out" they are -- Bill.]

I'm a 45-year-old gay male and most likely have watched no more and no less gay porn over the years than the average gay male (if there is such a thing), going way back to VHS tapes. But I've seen the variety of sex acts portrayed in gay porn expand wildly over that time, and especially in the last few years on the Internet. Some of what I see if highly disturbing to me and seems to cause a great deal of guilt and even depression because I feel, on some level, that it's really wrong for anyone to be filming these things, making money from it, and enjoying the watching of it.

Let me say at the outset that I don't make value judgments about ordinary people doing what they want to sexually in the privacy of their bedrooms, with consent, or even in clubs as long as no one is forced to do anything they didn't sign up for. Specifically, bondage and S&M aren't something that bother me if people are doing it because they enjoy it and they're genuinely making a choice that that is what gives them pleasure.[I agree.]

But I see larger and larger numbers of movies, and clips of movies, available online that truly involve brutal presentations of sexual-related acts in which guys clearly are in pain or extreme discomfort. The envelope is being pushed more and more each year and I think everyone knows it. These kinds of videos are mostly online -- I haven't seen many in stores. (Of course, I realize there are many straight videos like these and that this is not a gay phenomenon.)

Anyone browsing through free gay porn sites, I think, would not need explanation of what these videos entail, but they often portray quite young guys (who often look much younger) being tied up and subjected to various violent treatment and abuse (if that's the correct word) that, in the non-porn-production world, would be classified as assault, battery, torture, even rape. [Definitely sounds pretty creepy.]

I'm writing not merely to express dismay over what's increasingly being hawked for money by the porn industry, but to admit that I've developed a fascination and attraction to some of this stuff -- and it really bothers me and makes me feel pretty awful about myself. [Is it really this porn that makes you feel awful, or something deeper, some negative feelings you have about yourself that this porn brings out?]

It seems to me that people can get pleasure out of other people who are also getting pleasure, or seeing other people in pain. Our minds are complicated, and it doesn't take viewings of "Star Wars" episodes to realize that everyone has very good sides and very dark sides, and definite temptations to give in to the latter. I remember in high school English class our teacher asked us to give our personal definition of evil, and the best I could come up with was feeling pleasure at the pain of another. Now, folks in S&M probably would strongly disagree that they are anything close to evil, but that doesn't change the fact that watching these things is clearly both enticing to me but repellent, and I come away from them every time feeling sorry that I did watch.

If I were giving advice like you, I'd probably say, "You can't do anything about changing the porn industry or what happens to these actors. There are complicated reasons why people enjoy S&M, or bondage, and complicated reasons why these young actors get involved in porn. The only thing you can do is control your own actions and avoid videos that make you feel bad about your choices."

I think that would be good advice, [Yes!] and I'm trying now to make some pragmatic choices that would put that into effect. I actually set up a porn filter on my laptop that screens out sex sites, because I was spending way too much time on such things. Also, I found a porn addiction message board on the Web and registered, though frankly I don't know if I will be posting on it.

I guess my big worry is that I'll eventually just chuck the porn filter and go back to my old ways -- "binging" on sites that seem wrong to me, then feeling guilty and horrible, but perhaps not guilty enough to stop. And then wondering what all this says about my own values and ethics. I mean, in all other spheres of my life I think of myself as moral and kind and helpful to people. (I did used to talk about this with my therapist, who is now actually my ex-therapist, but he seemed somewhat clueless about it all. Not very familiar with these kinds of Web sites and clips, he thought that no one really feels pain in them and that all the actors are just faking. But surely the pain is often very real -- I mean, it's what the audience demands and the studios provide, right?) [I don't have all the answers to that, but you have to remember that you are not the one inflicting pain on these people.]

I know there's no simple answer to all this, but I wanted to know your general thoughts on the subject, how you view the Internet and how it can change people, and if you have any advice.

Thanks for your time, Bill

You raise a large number of issues. I did a post on this a few years back called Brutal Gay Porn but I have some other thoughts today. I confess I have not watched any of these brutal gay porn movies, and probably wouldn't want to. Are the actors actually in pain, or just pretending? I guess it's the difference between hard core and soft core, where in the former the participants are actually having sex, and in the latter they're just play-acting. Since people can be quite realistically and graphically dismembered and murdered in horror films, I imagine it's relatively easy to fake some S&M material, as well as pain and torture, in a porn film. [While I have no moral objections as such to either pornography or prostitution, I do know that, sadly, some people selling their bodies either on the street or having sex in front of a camera are desperate and perhaps being exploited as well.] 

But I have to say that torture and rape are not part of any S&M community that I know. Now you're getting more into CSI and Law and Order: Special Victims Unit than Star Wars -- I mean this isn't "kink," it's sick and criminal behavior. At the same time, if perfectly normal people can enjoy graphic violence in horror and action films, it's also possible that it's not abnormal to enjoy it in porn movies, although most people would not find it very sexy. You're watching [hopefully] phony recreations of aberrant acts, not participating in them. 

The deeper issue is what does enjoying degradation -- either your own or someone else's -- say about a person's sense of self-worth. All I can tell you is that members of the S&M/kink/fetish community have special needs and interests and look at things quite differently from the rest of us. When it comes to gay men, does self-hatred, which leads to hatred of other gay men or hatred of gay activity, have something to do with the obsession with hurting and degrading other men (or being "victim" of same)? You're right that gay members of the S&M community would probably object most strongly. Still most of the members of that community I've met are less interested in giving or enjoying another's pain than they are in role-playing -- the whole bondage and discipline and master/slave bit. [Undoubtedly many find that distasteful -- who would want to be a slave -- but in most cases it's mostly for extra titillation and never goes too far.]

If you think you're spending too much time watching these movies and especially if they make you feel bad about yourself, substitute something that won't create those negative feelings. It could be some deep-rooted internalized homophobia, shame or guilt over being gay, that might make you enjoy stuff in which men are brutalized and degraded. Only a gay or gay-friendly therapist can help you get to the root of it, and it's something you might consider if you find you can't stop watching the stuff and it only makes you feel worse and worse. 

Lastly, as for how the Internet can change people, well, it can certainly provide lots of fodder for fetishes -- healthy and less so -- of all kinds, and mini-communities of people who are into all sorts of shit [literally, some times]. In some cases this can help people feel less strange and alone, but sometimes it only makes a bad situation worse by feeding the fetish until it overtakes everything else. Again, a therapist can help in the latter cases.

Dealing with Self-Hatred

Dear Dr Bill,

I am a gay Man.  I am 44 years old, I have a wonderful Civil Partner whom I love, however I am not

Happy, I want to be straight, I want to be on equal footing with straight men, I don't want people asking me if I am gay, I act straight all the time; I am careful never to let my guard down, I have visited Doctors for a cure. I can't believe in this day and age they can't cure Homosexuality.

If there was a pill I would have taken it years ago. All I want to know is -- why me,?I asked my doctor, and he said why not. I was staggered and furious, he said being gay is not a problem it's natural. I can't fancy women. I fancy men I even married one because I fancy men.

I do t know what to do;I have lost so many friends and hurt people because I explode with anger

if I am asked if I am Gay.

I want to know why gay men look gay, what causes it, how can I be happy. How can I make my partner happy.

You're suffering from a very bad case of what what we call internalized homophobia, and it has a lot of causes. You may have been treated badly because you're gay, you may have been raised in a very homophobic environment, have relatives who are anti-gay, or have negative feelings about your sexuality because of religious feelings. 

The first thing you have to accept is that it's okay to be gay. 

There is no "cure" for homosexuality because it is not a disease. It is perfectly natural. This isn't gay activist propaganda -- it's scientific fact. The latest research strongly suggests that we are born gay, and nothing can change it -- there is no "cause." We can pretend to be heterosexual, we can live false lives, stay in the closet, but isn't it better to accept yourself and enjoy being gay?

To answer some of your questions, most gay men do not "look" gay. Only a relatively small percentage conform to stereotypes. Some gay men fear and hate the fact that they may be obviously gay, while others embrace it, have fun with it, develop an inner toughness that deals with the fact that many people will assume or know they are gay without being told. 

Whether you're obviously gay or not, once you accept that there is absolutely nothing wrong in being gay, you won't care if people assume, know, or ask if you are. You won't be ashamed and you won't care. That's the great benefit of Gay Pride. 

Another important point is that you've been lucky enough to find a partner. I know a great many gay men with partners and husbands and boyfriends, but I also know a lot who are single and wish they weren't. Many of those single guys have negative feelings because they're lonely, but if you are in a relationship with someone whom you say you love and is wonderful, then what exactly is the problem? You have someone to share your life with. Do you think there's something horrible and inferior and "diseased" about this man you love? I hope not. So why feel that way about yourself?

You have swallowed a lot of society's negative feelings about gay people, and need to get past it. If there's a gay/LGBT center in your city, see if they do counseling; perhaps a gay or gay-friendly therapist could help you feel better about yourself. You not only owe it to yourself to change your negative and frankly outdated attitudes, but to your partner. 

Best of luck!

De Blasio's Lesbian Wife?

Democratic mayoral candidate Bill de Blasio has a wife, Chirlane McCray, who years ago wrote about being a black lesbian for Essense magazine. She doesn't identity as bisexual who fell in love with a man but says she is a "former" lesbian. Isn't she basically an "ex-gay?" Now de Blasio is running against openly gay Christine Quinn and his wife has made remarks that border on homophobia. Is de Blasio also an ex-gay or closet queen? Is this a case of two homosexuals getting married because they think they'll get farther in politics and life? 

I wouldn't doubt it, as I know such couples exist, but no one aside from the de Blasios can say for certain. 

To all intents and purposes, McCray does come off to me as an "ex-gay," even if she doesn't generally make negative pronouncements against gay people to my knowledge [although I agree that her comments regarding Ms. Quinn were highly questionable and her response to criticism about it as specious as earlier remarks concerning her sexual orientation]. 

Let's take a moment to examine a statement she made regarding her sexuality:

 “I am more than just a label. Why are people so driven to labeling where we fall on the sexual spectrum? Labels put people in boxes, and those boxes are shaped like coffins [!]. Finding the right person can be so hard that often, when a person finally finds someone she or he is comfortable with, she or he just makes it work. As my friend Vanessa says, 'It's not whom you love; it's that you love.'"

This is just the sort of thing used by self-hating homosexuals and closet cases to duck the whole [to them] odious gay issue. McCray doesn't understand that "labeling" yourself as gay is one way of expressing your pride [your lack of shame] in being gay and fighting against the oppression of the closet that has made it that much tougher over the years for gay men and women to finally have all of their rights. If you carefully examine her words you get the impression this is a mixed marriage of companionship and compromise, and hardly a union of genuine honesty and passion. In other words, a friendship that helps each person meet each other's supposed needs. McCray's reference to "boxes shaped like coffins" is also very telling, revealing that her unconscious mind thinks being gay is a dead end. This is in my opinion a woman full of severe self-hated and very negative attitudes about being a lesbian, regardless of how she may have consciously felt years before. Maybe she was very badly hurt by another woman or never met one whom she felt could help her reach her goals.  

People who claim this is a "non-issue," such as Kat Stoffel in a brief piece in New York magazine, are missing the point. In these more enlightened [but hardly totally enlightened] days of gay marriage, the fact is that sham and "mixed" marriages and "former" lesbians, harkening back as they do to feelings of shame and negativity, are very passe and tiresome indeed.

Gay or Not?

Dear Bill, I been with my boyfriend for almost a year and I am now pregnant. I been having problems with him texting females. After a recent break up, I was getting on my computer and I noticed his Gmail account was still up so I decided to go through it. While going through it, I saw a message, what I thought was from a female website, but turned out to be a bi/gay website. His name was very intimate like he had been on a gay website before. And I saw where a guy sent him his number and he replied OK. Since he is very secretive and protective over his phone, I'm not sure if he ever contacted the guy. I immediately called his sister, and later she asked him about it in a deep conversation and he said he didn't have a Gmail account then later replied that maybe someone hacked his name. If it were hacked then why was he logged on to my computer with that exact profile?? He later stated that he was gonna commit suicide. So we got back together but I can't think of him as the same guy. He is not a very sensitive person, he is more thuggish actually. I don't notice too much homophobia coming from him. I'm scared to ask why he was on that website so I don't know what to do. I do love him but I can't be with him if he likes men. It's one thing to cheat with a woman but its another level to cheat with a man. I need your help. 

It's very difficult to be with someone who keeps secrets with you and isn't honest about himself. He is probably struggling to accept his attraction to men, and unable to admit it to others just yet. If you haven't done so already, you have to sit him down and with love and sympathy and in a non-judgmental way, ask him some tough questions. You're absolutely right that it is a whole different level if a man cheats on his wife or girlfriend with men, because that indicates that he might well be gay and should have a male partner. You have a right to know what's going on with the guy and the truth about his sexual orientation. If he is gay, or a possibly bisexual man whose preference -- if he's totally honesty with himself -- is men, then a long-term relationship with him becomes problematic.

There are "macho" -- or as you put it -- thuggish men who are gay and who are ashamed of and embarrassed by it. They often seek out women to use as beards (cover-ups) and to sleep with to prove they are "men." Their attitudes are, sadly, very out of date, but there are many guys like this still around. Hopefully he can learn to accept himself and could probably use some counseling. It's tough for you to have a gay boyfriend, but hopefully both of you can agree to care for your child while moving on with more appropriate partners.

Boyfriend and Transgender Incident

Hey,

So I've recently been dating a guy for a couple of months. We were drinking and then he had a freak episode (hyperventilating, trying to hit himself) and then the next morning I made it clear that I needed to understand why he acted like that. He finally confided in me (he actually started hyperventilating when he was trying to tell me and he ended up having to txt me what happened) about paying for sex when he was drunk with a transgender (pre-op) when he was 19, he's 22 now. He ended up spending a year depressed and went to counseling and felt suicidal and ended up going to brothels when he was drunk as a way of confirming that he didn't like guys. He said that he got his confidence back and stopped going to brothels and ended up doing the whole teenage thing of getting drunk and going clubbing and when he got lucky slept with random girls. He's never acted in a way that showed he was attracted to guys at all. He's always checking girls out, we have a healthy sex life, he's very touchy-feely with me. he's always complimenting me etc. After he confided in me I asked him if he was possibly in the closet and he got mad that I would ever even ask him that, but I was confused as to why he had sex with a transgender so I thought it was fair to ask. He looks and feels ashamed of it, What would be your opinion ? Was it a drunken mistake or was there a reason behind it?

Thanks

I assume that when your boyfriend paid for sex with the Trans Woman he knew what he was dealing with despite his being drunk? [To make it clear a Trans Woman is a woman but a pre-operative Trans Woman still has a penis and appears masculine in other ways despite the feminine/drag trappings.]

There are conflicted homosexual men who have their first experiences either with drag queens [gay men who are also transvestites] or with pre-op Trans women. This is their way of having sex with men while "pretending" to be with a woman, or telling themselves that the Trans woman is essentially female despite the biology. If your boyfriend has negative attitudes towards homosexuality for any reason, comes from a repressive, intolerant background, he may do anything not to feel that he is gay.

Naturally I can't possibly be certain of this guy's sexuality, except to say that most gay men are not obvious, that many are perfectly capable of having sex with women [for whatever reason], and that often there are no red flags. I would be less than honest if I didn't tell you that men who are genuinely and thoroughly heterosexual don't need to sleep with women or go to brothels to prove to themselves that they are straight; they just know they are. If this incident was just a drunken mistake, I don't think your boyfriend would find it such a big deal.

You might find this post helpful.

Boyfriend with Gay Issues

I stumbled upon your blog in searching for answers. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. He is what you would call a "mans man" and he works out all the time and has a pretty good body. Well everything started when I was on his computer (early early in the relationship) and I was looking on Craigslist and all these m4m searches popped up....naturally I asked. Even was like I won't judge you etc....just told me he didn't know about it and his email was hacked. I'm not an idiot or technologically retarded. .. well I found other stuff that shows he's been on Craigslist while in our relationship looking for men.... I don't think he has cheated on me yet. I don't know if this is weird or what but I would be okay with him being with guys on he side as long as it didn't affect our relationship and I don't think it would be an all the time thing. I want to confront him about this stuff and not in an accusatory way but I'm not even sure how to start it. I think he's embarrassed of it and hasn't admitted it to himself that he might be bi. A big red flag is he bashes gays all the time. I want to marry this guy and maybe I'm crazy thinking it could work. But I also stumbled upon a forum asking women if they would let their husband have dick on the side or join in and I have got to say I agree with it and I want him to be able t tell me the truth. What I am thinking of doing is showing him the website and simply say I am in agreement with this I wasn't born yesterday and I know your computer or email account didn't get hacked. What is the best way to approach this touchy subject with him?
Supportive gf 

First I have to say that you're much too blase about his interest in men. I think women who "let men have dick on the side" are being unrealistic and asking for trouble -- being unfair to themselves and to their husbands/boyfriends, especially when you consider that most "bisexual" men are homosexuals who go with women because they're ashamed of being gay. How could his going with guys not affect your relationship? You're absolutely right that gay-bashing is a Big Red Flag. This guy has serious issues with his sexuality, and is probably a homosexual man who, at this point in his life, doesn't want to be gay. I'm not always "politically correct" on the subject, but in my educated opinion, the whole bisexual thing has been overblown.

I suggest you start a conversation on homosexuality/bisexuality [he may be more comfortable at first talking about the latter] by discussing gay marriage and his opinion of it; talking about a gay friend; saying you have a woman friend whose husband likes men, etc. Anything to get the ball rolling. Be non-judgmental and non-accusatory. If he admits he is attracted to men -- although he probably won't -- suggest he get counseling or therapy from a sympathetic professional so he can finally come to accept himself.  Of course, that may well mean the end of your relationship.

Unfortunately, I've known many women who marry conflicted guys like this, and believe me, it never works out.

Boyfriend Likes to Look at Naked Men

Hello,
I'm glad I found this blog post. After being with him for two years and knowing him for seven, my boyfriend confessed that he used to look at "naked men" online daily for years. He said that he wanted to stop but it was like an addiction, but he hadn't done it for almost a year and didn't miss it, and felt he needed to tell me and come clean. He cried when he told me and it seemed like he had a lot of guilt about it. I'm not sure what this means and even why he told me. When he told me I was shocked and told him it was ok with me, as long as he didn't do it anymore, but was too surprised to say anything else then. I've been too afraid to ask him more about it and it's been more than a year so I don't know how to bring it up again. I guess I don't care if he's bi as long as he's attracted to me, too! Haha. He has many close girl friends and hardly any guy friends (I'm not sure if this is a factor but it's something I've always wondered about also). He's never been with a guy or a girl, so what if he doesn't even know? 

I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but guys who look at naked men online [unless he's, say, seeing how he stacks up in the penis size department as compared to other men and even then I might wonder -- I mean how many photos do you have to look at?] and have been doing it for years are undoubtedly attracted to men. His crying and his guilt feelings indicate that he is deeply ashamed of it as well. There's nothing wrong in being gay, but there is something wrong in someone being closeted and ashamed in this more enlightened day and age. A person doesn't have to sleep with a man or a woman to pretty much know, even if he or she is in denial, which sex one is attracted to. As for bisexuality, men who identify as bisexual in most cases tend to prefer men but may have relationships with women because of their internalized homophobia [their self-hatred over being attracted to men]. Apparently the two of you have not slept together, perhaps for religious reasons or you're saving yourselves for marriage? A man who may be essentially homosexual is sort of off the hook in this kind of arrangement [although there are plenty of gay men who can successfully sleep with and impregnate women].

It sounds to me as if you've been given a pretty clear warning. A lot of women have boyfriends and even long-term husbands who turn out to be gay without their having any prior knowledge of it, and it's devastating for them when they find out. To know in advance can be a blessing in disguise. It's hard to let go of somebody that you love, but in my opinion "mixed" marriages between homosexual men and heterosexual women are unfair to both parties and only lead to a lot of heartbreak.

Boyfriend with Secrets

Hi.....ok where do I start? Been with my boyfriend for 10 years....we have 2 children together. Recently I had been feeling like he was acting funny... distant. I thought he may be cheating with a woman, a man never crossed my mind at this point. So I put an app on his phone that would allow me to listen to his phone calls. I received a notification that he called a strange # I didn't know. I called it and a man answered....I hung up thinking phew he's not cheating. I listened to the phone call later in the evening and it was him calling this random guy using terms like glad u can host....asking him which positions he preferred....he was very explicit with his words. Told the guy he would love to meet up for sex.... that he was bisexual and he had a girlfriend (me) and he had to plan around me. I immediately confronted him. Told him I had him on record. He told me its not what I think and he was told by guys he works with if he called this guy and pretended to be gay when he got to his house there would be females there and he could pick one. He said he wanted one for a 3some for "us" -- a girl that is. So I called the guy and explained to him that I was his girlfriend and I heard the conversation between them. I told him what my boyfriend said about the guys at work giving him his number and asked him about these "girls" He apologized ,said he felt really bad and said he met him on an adult website and that there were no girls. He laughed actually and said that was completely untrue. When I confronted my boyfriend that I had spoken with him he got angry and denied being bisexual. I also told him he said he met him on an adult website he said a guy at work let him use his profile to talk to him so he could get "the girls".....I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. I know he's lying but my question to you is he is clearly caught red handed and still denies it, do I just accept this? He says I made it up. What scared me is in the conversation he said he had a 3 yr hook up and it was his first bareback experience.....he quoted it as "great....a whole 'nother ball game" and told this guy he doesn't even know that he'd like to have bareback sex with him and he said he's a bottom. That's scary with aids now a days. Why won't he just admit it???? I feel violated and deceived. I can't trust him. He did tell the guy on the phone that he is very discreet and "nobody knows and that's the way he likes it." Will he never admit this to me out of pride? Please help.....I just do not understand. :( 

What you've got here is a man who is attracted to other men -- and obviously acting upon those feelings -- and is deeply ashamed of it. There is often a disconnect between a man's true sexual orientation and how he identifies. [Some people have wrongly asserted that there are "straight" men who seek sex with other men, but unless we're dealing. on occasion, with victims of childhood sexual abuse, that's simply not true.] Your boyfriend probably doesn't think of himself as gay or bisexual because he has a girlfriend and children, is living a straight life [the one that's out in the open, at least], and sees himself as a man who can "pass" [as straight], not realizing that this is the case with most gay men -- most are not effeminate and flamboyant.

I obviously don't need to tell you that you can't believe anything your boyfriend is telling you, because you've already caught him in so many lies. Do you just accept this? Absolutely not. Guys like this often think they're not cheating if they're having sex with guys, but he is cheating, and lying about it besides. Why won't he admit it? In my experience guys like this usually tell the men they're involved with -- or at least having sex with -- that they like women [if for no other reason than to feel somehow superior or more macho] but they rarely if ever tell the women in their lives that they go with other men. Often these men are not truly bisexual in any case -- their behavior is bisexual [they go with both men and women] but they can't even allow themselves to admit that their preference may be men or that they are basically gay. They are full of self-loathing over their homosexual feelings.

Which brings us to the business with bare-backing, which is anal sex without a condom. This is risky behavior for a top, let alone a bottom, and again, it indicates a severe self-loathing, a lack of regard for himself, his sex partners and especially you.

This man needs therapy or counseling to help accept himself. You can not "accept" this situation if for no other reason than your own health is at risk, not to mention your emotional well-being. With the situation you've got now, it will be impossible to build upon a relationship with a man so obviously conflicted, dishonest, and apparently geared towards men if he's honest with himself. Insist that he be honest with you and discuss it in a non-judgmental way.

You have a right to be with a man who isn't keeping secrets from you. There have been women who let their gay or bisexual lovers have their little side flings from time to time, but count me among those who don't think that this arrangement, especially in this day and age, is fair to anyone -- especially when the man is into barebacking.

Gay, Straight or Bi?

Hi Bill

I've been reading both your blogs recently, and would really interested to hear your opinion concerning my sexuality.

Hi, I'm going to answer you within the body of your email in bold like this. 

I am a guy in my mid-thirties, gay-identified and have been since I was a teenager. I first realized I was strongly attracted to men (both sexually and emotionally) when I was in my early teens. I have only ever had crushes on men, never on women.  I have not come out to my parents or any members of my family, though I've told almost all of my friends that I'm gay. I have two brothers, one of whom is gay and is out to both my parents. I feel a lot of shame and sadness about this, because I feel like it would be a double blow for my mother if I came out also (no grand kids, etc). Gay couples can adopt children so your parents can have grand kids.

I have always had an inferiority complex about my sexuality, never truly feeling like I'm a "real guy". I definitely feel inferior in social situations where I'm around 'manly' straight men, particularly sporty ones. I don't always feel this way, sometimes I feel proud and confident to be different, but quite often I give into feelings of inferiority. This is not unusual. Even today, society spreads the message that gay men are not really men. Even straight men can feel "inferior" if they aren't into [stereo]typical male pursuits, such as sports. The thing to remember is that the gay male community [not to mention the straight male community] is very diverse, and you are free to make your own choices based on what you like and don't like. If sports aren't your bag, who cares? Do what you enjoy. In any case, as we used to say in New York's Gay Activist Alliance -- the country's first militant [non-violent] gay rights group -- "99% of gay liberation is in the head."

When I was around 16 my parents started buying a right-wing newspaper which regularly featured negative articles on homosexuality. Perhaps I should have just stop reading it, but I was fascinated by what these journalists were saying; that homosexuality is a perversion, that it's a some kind of distortion of natural sexuality explained by the Freudian principle of over-attachment to the mother and envy of the father's penis or whatever, or that many gays are that way because they've been molested. [these are all out-dated and completely discredited theories that SCIENCE has proven incorrect.] 

 I felt angry at the hateful tone of the articles, but also vulnerable and afraid that maybe they were right, maybe my sexuality is just a sham. I started to question my upbringing "Maybe I was overly molly-coddled because I was the youngest?" "Did I have some trauma that provoked it?" "Was it down to feeling inferior to other kids at school?" and so on. I became desperately insecure, starting to feel like I was a freak. I felt so cruel, you know?, because at school I constantly heard guys make horrible remarks about fags and homos, and there was this national newspaper, written by adults, seemingly backing them up.All the latest research pretty much indicates that gay people are born that way. There is a wonderful organization called TRUTH WINS OUT that deals with the groups that spread the homophobic lies you're referring to. You might check out their website.

Then when I was 18, my closest gal pal, to whom I had recently come out, started an argument with me when we were out one night. She very forcefully argued that I couldn't possibly know I was gay because I hadn't had sex with a woman. Jeez, this is the hokey old argument: a man is only gay until he meets the right woman. It is not to be taken seriously. She said she she had worried that she might be a lesbian when she was younger, and that she had slept with a woman once and that it helped her realize she was heterosexual after all. If she actually had sex with a female she is at least bisexual and is kidding herself and you can tell her I said so. She kept angrily saying that heterosexual sex is the most beautiful, natural thing and totally superior to anything a man could do with a man or a woman could do with a woman (just to make it clear, she wasn't offering to sleep with me, just her opinion). Her attitude is entirely homophobic. [Perhaps fueled by her own homo-erotic feelings and her guilt over same.] There is absolutely no reason to think love between two men or two women is somehow inferior to love between a man and a woman. This is just religious-based prejudice.

I went home that night feeling crushed. Though I was angry at what she said, at the same time I was terrified she was right. What if my whole sexual identity was a total sham? I felt like a failure (and still do) because I was a heterosexual virgin. I started to look at images of straight sex on cable channels and found, to my horror, that some of the images turned me on. Even a particular image of a woman's breasts turned me on. I thought "My God! They were right after all!" I suddenly remembered a few times in my childhood when I was aroused looking at a woman's breasts in pictures, though these were far outnumbered by memories of very intense same-sex desires. I felt sick, like I was a total fraud, and fell into a deep depression that took months to recover from.Listen, being gay doesn't mean you find women repulsive, or can't sleep with women, or can't on occasion find a woman or breasts or what-have-you somehow sexy. As people used to say, "flesh is flesh." The whole thing has to do with preference. More on which in a moment.

Since then, In have only had sexual encounters with men, and still have no desire to pursue a sexual relationship with a woman; I just don't desire them sexually and romantically. But the old thoughts of "nothing is as good as straight sex", "women's bodies are built for pleasure, guys' aren't" still haunt me, and I still feel turned by thoughts or images of straight sex, particularly when the focus is on the guy instead of the woman, and I occasionally feel turned on by looking certain types of women's breasts, but never women themselves, like the whole person. Part of me thinks "this is crap! you're gay and just fetishizing 'normal' sex, you don't have to sleep with a woman if you don't want to!" I think you've hit the nail on the head here! while another part of me thinks "sleeping with a woman would "turn me", placing my penis inside a vagina would make realize I'm straight after all because the feeling would be so pleasurable, that a gay man who hasn't had sex with a woman doesn't have the right to call himself gay. That last thought really gnaws away at me.

Okay, I know a lot of gay men. Some of them have never slept with women because, like you, they honestly have no desire to. Others slept with women before they accepted their homosexuality, even got married and had children or went through a period when they thought -- hoped -- they were bi. Now they all identify as gay. The latter group may be glad they have children, but they also spent years if not decades with the wrong partner [wrong sex], hurt the women in their lives very badly when they finally came out, and wasted years being in the closet and having casual encounters instead of a full relationship. Surely that isn't what you want?

Also, sleeping with a woman does not turn a gay [ or legitimately bi] man straight. It just doesn't work that way. There are what we call "ex-gays" [again, see Truth Wins Out] who pair up with members of the opposite sex, have children, but in their heart of hearts they are still homosexual and generally lapse. They have NOT turned straight; all they've done is given in to society's negative attitudes. It all has to do with self-hatred instead of self-acceptance.  

What do you think Bill? This whole thing has really affected my self-esteem, and is ruining my ability to go out and find a nice man! I feel like a fraud, like gays are made not born (surely the times I got turned on by the breasts proves that?! not really ) that I don't have a right to a gay identity because one time with a woman would make me straight? Again, it just doesn't work that way, even if you have successful intercourse with a woman as many gay men have had.

I really don't want to have sex with a woman, the thought upsets me, but these thoughts keep coming back to me. If you don't want to sleep with a woman -- which could simply turn out to be a embarrassing, unfair situation for both you and the woman -- then don't. [Frankly, it's not that big a deal.] You've got to get over this whole notion that a man isn't really a man unless he's fucking women. It's out-dated and simply untrue. I mean, if it matters to you, I know a macho fighter pilot who had five children and then came out as gay, totally gay. And other gay men who never slept with women, yet distinguished themselves in such butch professions as firefighter and police officer. Having sex with women is not what makes a man a "man" and you have absolutely nothing to prove. I know that some essentially gay men pursue and sleep with women just to feel more manly, but all they're really doing is denying themselves, cruelly using the women in their lives, and being totally delusional about themselves as well.

Do you think I'm gay, bi or straight? And whatever I am, how can I boost my self-esteem and find peace? Would really value any advice you can offer.

Here it is: Based on everything you've told me, I would say you're definitely gay. Finding women's breasts aesthetically pleasing or even sexy in some way does not make you heterosexual or bi, not when you have no real sexual or romantic feelings for women but only for men. Sexuality can be very confusing and complicated. A man can be essentially gay and occasionally find women attractive without necessarily being bisexual, and even if he were, there is still the question of overwhelming preference. I would say your overwhelming preference is men. I believe you have been surrounded by homophobic attitudes and anti-gay "friends" with extremely negative opinions. You say your gay brother is Out, but is he also hung up about his homosexuality?

Stop hating yourself for being gay. If there's a gay/LGBT center in your city get some counseling or therapy from a gay or gay-friendly individual. 

As I have said for many years now IT'S OKAY TO BE GAY!

"Bi" Boyfriend or Closet Case?

I am a 33-year-old gay man and I am currently dating a man of the same age who identifies as bisexual. He is attractive, and I enjoy our sex life, but I have worries. When we go out to dinner, he will frequently flirt with the waitress or other women in a way encouraged to make them think he is available, even though he is sitting with me. He will not act romantic until we get to a gay bar. Of course, I wouldn't like it if he flirted with other men either but I notice he never seems to do this, just women. I find it distinctly uncomfortable and wonder if he is capable of sustaining a relationship with another male. 

To be blunt, probably not. I won't even get into whether or not this guy is actually bisexual or what his preference is, but it definitely sounds like he is dealing -- and not at all well-- with internalized homophobia. I will just say that a lot of men who are embarrassed to be gay/bi and full of shame need to have women in their lives even if only as a beard or front. They have to exude some kind of heterosexual persona even when they're out with another man. The fact that he flirts with women but never men indicates that he is uncomfortable being out in public with a man except when he is in an all-gay environment like a gay bar. I have no doubt that he is the kind of "bisexual" who tells gay men he likes women but never tells the women whom he gets involved with, if any, that he also digs guys.

Frankly, as far as I'm concerned that is not being bisexual, it is being a closet case.

Your friend needs some counseling and a good dose of gay pride, but you have to accept that for one reason or another he may never feel comfortable in his own skin. Just the very idea of his hitting on women when he's on a date with you is rude and insulting and a little outrageous. And desperate. Like he's trying to prove something to himself.

My advice. Fuck 'im and forget 'im!

BMF is Gay -- Is Marriage in the Cards?

Dear Dr. Bill,

I have came across your blog, when searching about "straight women marrying Gays". I am X from Jordan-Amman. I would appreciate if this is kept confidential. I have no one to talk to about this. I have been attracted to my best friend (guy), and my attraction became too confused, because I had people telling me he is gay, and many saying he is so to me; some people, however, assumed we are in a relationship, and should get married.

Anyhow, our relationship got stronger in the past year. And just recently we both decided to confront each other with a secret. I am attracted to him, and he is Gay. and complete shock for both of us. He is not out of the closet, and he is telling me is is bisexual, yet mentally attracted to men. I am the second person to know about this. Yet he also is attracted to me, not emotionally he says, he also wishes he was straight to be with me, and have our children together; but it is not possible because he believes he will resent us one day.

My question is: is it in any way possible that we can be together, marry and have a family? keeping in mind the freedom he has to enjoy other men's companionship?

Kindly, I appreciate your time and sorry for long email.

No problem. I have to be blunt and tell you that your boyfriend is giving you very clear warnings. He calls himself bisexual, but being gay [or straight] is about more than sex. If he cannot have an emotional -- in other words, a romantic -- connection to a woman, as you say he's told you, than he is not really bisexual, but gay. In other words, as distressing as this may be to you, he may be able to have sex with you, but you can never really win his heart; he just isn't in love with you. A gay man can only have true romantic feelings for another man.

I appreciate that you obviously have deep feelings for this man, but if he is only marrying you because he can't deal with being gay or wants biological children, then you're just being unfair to yourself and ultimately to him as well. Even if you have an "open" marriage that allows him to be with men on the side, why would you want to be with a man who can never fully love you?

Men and women in your situation often do marry but the gay husband can not change his orientation. In the U.S. we have "ex-gays" who enter into sham marriages but they still remain homosexual. I think people deserve better, don't you? [Even in a country that is more oppressive in regards to gay people than the U.S. is.]

You can read more about "mixed" gay/straight marriages and why they don't work here.

Paranoid about the Down Low

Dr. Bill, I just read your response to 'Asking your boyfriend if he is gay' 4 Mar 2010. My fear that my boyfriend has been with other men could be due to paranoia. I watch TV and hear about men on the 'down-low'; men giving their wives/girlfriends AIDs and I am afraid. So, how do I really know, how do I confront my boyfriend and ask him if he has been with men and not offend him? Thank you Ms. Paranoid

First of all, there's no real need to confront your boyfriend unless you have concrete reasons for thinking he's attracted to other men and acting on those attractions. [I give some of the reasons for being suspicious on that earlier post.] Because there seem to be so many men even in these more enlightened days who are attracted to men but married to or involved with women, I suppose it can make some women a little paranoid. But remember that there are many more genuinely heterosexual men then there are gay or bi men, so the odds are in your favor.

If you feel a need to broach the subject with your boyfriend, you can say you found out a friend of yours is gay and see what his reaction is. This will hopefully lead into a discussion on homosexuality and you can monitor his opinions on the subject. You can playfully ask if he ever experimented in that direction. A lot will depend on his reactions to what you say. If he admits that he "experimented" you can ask for a fuller explanation. As I've said many times, a man who has had sex or relationships with other men in the past doesn't suddenly become heterosexual. It just doesn't work that way.

But unless he's getting sexy emails from guys, has joined a gay dating service, or has gay porn on his computer, chances are that your boyfriend is straight.

As I said in the earlier post, if you are convinced your boyfriend is gay, sit down and have a talk with him. It takes a very special person to help someone she loves comes out of the closet, knowing that it may forever end their romantic relationship. Remember not to "accuse" someone of being gay -- it's not criminal to be gay or even in the closet. You can't just tell someone they're gay, especially if they are repressed or deeply closeted and ashamed. But sometimes an honest discussion can lead to a positive result.

Self-Hating Friend?

I am a heterosexual female and I have a gay best friend...whom I've recently developed a small crush on. It's actually really annoying, but it's not like I can really control who I'm attracted to. I feel we both connect on a much deeper level and I'm pretty darn sure he feels the same way, too. We tend to have the most fun when it's only us alone hanging out. Which is when he tends to say 'off' things, things I don't expect to be part of his nature. For instance, he expressed to me that he would totally bed a certain, very beautiful, voluptuous actress (says it about other girls as well). Then, again, if someone had the chance to sleep with someone extremely beautiful and famous, wouldn't you take advantage of that opportunity? Another time, we were under the influence of a substance and he sort of insinuated something sexual. He said that if in that moment, a hand happened to touch his nether region, he wouldn't brush it away. Stuff that makes me think, seems to always happen. He said something about how he can't have sex with men cause it hurts... Is it possible he's conflicted about his sexuality and wants to venture out?

Many times he has expressed his dislike for the gay community and the individuals that sustain it. Although, it's not like he represses his homosexuality. He is very much 'out' and makes everyone aware of that fact. As I gazed further into your blog, I came across the bits of 'internalized homophobia.' This sounds like a more likely scenario than if he were to actually be sexually attracted to me, right? Maybe it's just me, being a girl, wanting something she can't have. Or my overactive imagination putting in work... but I don't think those comments/actions are exactly 'normal' for a gay man is it? Either way I want to move on and I don't want to ask him straight out. I would much rather avoid any awkward confrontations, which would probably spoil the friendship. What's your take on this matter?

My take is that your friend is essentially what we call a "self-hating homo." Any openly gay man who expresses disdain for the gay community is clearly dealing with issues about his sexual orientation. Sadly, there are many gay men who are openly gay but for one reason or another are not happy being gay, largely because they've swallowed society's negative opinions about gay men. or they may have religious hang-ups or feel that being gay makes them "unmanly" -- or just have a basic insecurity about themselves. Then there are people in every minority group who have simply had unhappy or unsuccessful lives for one reason or another and make their race or religion or sexual orientation the reason, unwilling to face their own flaws.

Without saying that your friend may be "bisexual," being gay does not mean that a man finds women repulsive or can't have sex with a woman. [Many married homosexual men sleep while their wives while dreaming of being in bed with guys.] And sure, some gay men might get a kick out of sleeping with a famous female celebrity -- although they'll still be gay in the morning. But be careful of things expressed while under the influence, as they should never be taken seriously.

As for his comment that it "hurts" to have sex with men, I can only assume he's a bottom and a rather inexperienced one at that. Either he can try being a top [or eschew analism altogether] or he can get more experience.

Frankly, this guy may be your bmf, but I think it would be a mistake on your part to expect more. Even if the two of you indulge in some sexual fooling around, it may not lead to anything realistically romantic or permanent. Guys like this often try to "go straight" or become "ex-gays," but while they may get married and even have kids, they remain homosexual. And why would any woman want a homosexual husband?

Some time you might ask him how he feels about being gay and ever so delicately suggest he get counseling or therapy. He can't change his orientation, but he can certainly learn to accept and enjoy it.

Not Gay -- But Wants Sex With Men?

Hi, I'm so happy I came across your web page.

I'm 39 years old. I met a man 3.5 years ago. We started dating, moved in, got engaged, and was supposed to be married this July 2010. Three months before our wedding date, he picked up a prostitute and had sex with her. Got caught by the police and had to tell me. This action made no sense to me. Over the course of a couple of days after that I asked to see his email accounts. Because a "normal" man just does not one day decide to do what he did. It had to be a progression of something. Now mind you, over these days, he says he doesn't know why he did it, and still loves me. He's sorry etc. When I looked into his email accounts a part of me died that day.

He was placing ads on Craig's List to have sex with men. He says, I'm not having sex with men, they are having sex with me. I said to him, then you are gay. No I'm not gay he says. And he continues to deny it till this day. I never had a clue. I had no signs. There were rough patches in our relationship of not having sex for long periods of time. And he was taking pills to perform. That was the only thing that was a red flag for me. We are no longer together. I do talk with him on a weekly basis. What my question is, if he so strongly denies that he is gay, could it be possible? I guess part of me doesn't want him to be gay because I was so in love with him. But I also want him to be happy and live a great and successful life. I have told him that it's ok that he is gay. I would be there to support him. But he denies it all the way. My other thought is, I don't know any straight men that would want to have sex with another man.

Any advice or thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.....

Well, I have to tell you first off that I don't know any legitimately straight men who want to have sex with other men, either. I know of one gay therapist who insists that there are tens of thousands of straight men out there seeking other men to have sex with, but in my opinion the guy is an idiot. He seems to think that because these men don't want to be in relationships with other men but only want sex with them that that somehow makes them heterosexual. Granted most of these guys have wives or girlfriends, but at the very least they are bisexual, not straight. The reason they can't even abide the thought of a romantic relationship with another man is due to their internalized homophobia, their deep-rooted shame over their homoerotic feelings, not alleged "heterosexuality." Yes, there may be certain peculiar circumstances where a hetero man will have sex with another guy -- prison, for instance -- and it's been said that the male victims of childhood sexual abuse sometimes can grow up to be confused about their orientation -- but other than that I have to say that "straight" guys who have sex with men -- especially repeated sex -- are deeply conflicted homosexuals.

The man you're referring to definitely sounds like he's in this category -- and in deep denial. He can't even label himself bisexual [whether he's gay or genuinely bi is another story] which some of these men do. There are quite a few essentially homosexual men who think of themselves as straight simply because:

1.) They are in some kind of heterosexual relationship with a woman, either a wife, girlfriend or fiancee. Therefore that makes them "straight" despite the fact that every fibre of their being is crying out to be with a man.

2.) They wrongly see themselves as being the "man" during the male-male sex act; in other words they are the "top" while their sex partner is penetrated. Or they get "serviced" by the other man without ever giving "head" themselves. But I know a great many self-identified gay guys who are exactly the same way. It's just a matter of preference. [And when two gay men get together neither is "the woman" -- both are men.]

3.) They are paid for the sexual acts they perform with other men. [The number of male prostitutes whose clients are exclusively male and yet who insist they are themselves completely heterosexual is legion!]

As for his comment "I'm not having sex with men, they are having sex with me"...? he is being so disingenuous you could choke on it. What is he implying? -- That he just lies there while they work him over? But what kind of straight guy wants to lie there and have another guy work him over?

As for his encounter with the female prostitute, there are two possibilities. The first is that the woman was actually a "transvestite hooker" with a penis. Lots of conflicted homosexual men [I won't call them gay because they are not exactly Out and Proud] prefer sex with "TVs" because they are having sex with a man but -- due to the way the other person presents themselves -- they can pretend they're really with a woman. The second possibility is that he approached this prostitute for the purposes of "proving his manhood" after a particular homosexual encounter left him confused and, sadly, disheartened.

I think you've done all the right things. And I do appreciate how very difficult and painful this has been for you. Unfortunately it's very, very hard -- and believe, me, I've been there -- to help guys like this if they can't even admit to themselves that they're gay [or even bi]. You can tell them "it's okay to be gay" a hundred times but until they really believe it themselves they'll go on doing anything and everything they can to convince themselves they're really straight -- all the while having sex with men. Therapy with a caring gay or gay-friendly therapist might work wonders, but again, these kind of guys rarely seek therapy except from quacks who are out to "cure" them or guys like the aforementioned gay therapist who wants to convince them [while being very well paid for it] that yes, they really are straight.

Hopefully some day something will click inside him and he'll realize that his problem isn't his desire for men, but his guilt and shame over it, and instead of these furtive, short-lived encounters [not that there's anything wrong in casual sex, mind you] he might entertain the notion of a long-term and caring relationship with another man.

Speaking of which, there's another [hopefully hetero] man out there for you as well! Best of luck!

Gay/LGBT Pride

June is LGBT PRIDE MONTH. We should be productive and help those people that are anti- gay about anything, become more aware of the Gay Community. Let's take the time this month to educate those around us about the LGBT Community, who we are, what we do and how all we want to do is live our lives in peace and not in fear. Please take an hour, a day or even a week this month. Open up your show/blog to this topic, since it is the month for awareness for all LGBT people in this country who just want what everyone else has: their human rights to live in this country as all other people do.

Excellent idea! It has been said that gay people are more accepted in this country not just because of the tireless efforts of activists, but because more and more "ordinary" people have come out of the closet. The more people who know that they have a gay relative, friend or co-worker, especially one whom they like and admire, the better the chances for acceptance. It is hoped that bloggers, gay and straight, will address this issue.

I recognize that some people, especially young people who may live at home with homophobic parents, can't come out. But I do get tired of excuses from older people who make their own living. One of the worst excuses is "I can't hurt my parents." How is coming out going to hurt your parents? It may educate them instead. Besides, many parents already know that their children are gay [I mean a 55 year-old-man who hasn't been on a date with a woman in thirty years -- come on!].

If you come out you may get razzed by co-workers or you may enlighten them, and discover that some friends and co-workers you never even suspected were gay -- it does happen -- will come out of the closet as well.

Anti-gay prejudice was particularly rife in those days when people thought the gay community only consisted of "a few guys in Greenwich Village." But there are millions of us. The more Out and Proud people there are in our community, the better for all of us. I understand that some people think of it as a private issue, but by hiding their sexuality they're missing an opportunity to provide support to gay acquaintances and education to straight ones. And let's make it clear that by coming out you are not discussing the intimate details of your sex life anymore than a person is who declares him or herself as hetero.

And we need to deal with those masses of fringe homosexuals who live in the closet, pretend they are straight, and just can't bring themselves to identify as gay due to deep-rooted shame and guilt. Some of these people immerse themselves in gay culture but still can't come out of the closet. If you know someone like that, suggest they get counseling. At least talk to them. Tell them It's Okay to Be Gay!

There are many gay/LGBT bloggers out there, many of whom are anonymous, some of whom are out, like me. I recognize that the Internet can seem like a big, scary place and some people are afraid to put themselves -- their real selves -- out there in cyberspace, but at least on one post during Gay Pride month these bloggers should identify themselves. I mean how can you talk about Gay Pride and remain anonymous. as if you've got something to be ashamed of?

Social Drinker?

I have a friend who I feel is drinking himself to death. I seemed to get through to him and he stopped drinking for awhile, but recently he told me that if he wants to drink he'll drink, and that's that. I want to do an intervention, but some other of his friends think I'm making too much of it and that he just likes to party. But he has told me that he has been very depressed lately because he is out of work. So he shouldn't be spending what little money he has on booze. I also think he's never quite accepted that he's gay. He says -- and some of his friends say -- that he's just a social drinker, but I know better. Anon.

You bring up a variety of issues in your question, but I'll try to address them.

First, there are people who drink heavily during difficult periods -- such as after the death of a loved one, or losing an important job. Your friend is depressed and wants to feel better, hence the partying, socializing -- and drinking. He doesn't want to sit home alone brooding. Still, whether he's a genuine alcoholic -- which is debatable in this instance -- or has a "drinking problem" in that he drinks way too much [I mean, your liver doesn't know the difference], there's only so much you can do. He's a grown man, and this may just be a phase. If you feel his drinking will ruin his chances of finding work, you can tactfully make that point to him -- when he's sober -- because eventually he'll have no money to party.

As for any shame he's suffering because he's gay: there are certainly people who drink heavily because they can't deal with their sexuality. The question is: is he drinking because he's depressed and out of work, because he can't deal with his homosexuality, or because -- as most of his other friends feel -- he just wants to have a good time? I suggest you give it some time to see what develops, and as this is Gay Pride month you might have a talk with him -- again when he's sober -- about how he feels about being gay, and suggest counseling at a local gay center if he needs help in feeling good about himself.