Gay, Straight or Bi?

Hi Bill

I've been reading both your blogs recently, and would really interested to hear your opinion concerning my sexuality.

Hi, I'm going to answer you within the body of your email in bold like this. 

I am a guy in my mid-thirties, gay-identified and have been since I was a teenager. I first realized I was strongly attracted to men (both sexually and emotionally) when I was in my early teens. I have only ever had crushes on men, never on women.  I have not come out to my parents or any members of my family, though I've told almost all of my friends that I'm gay. I have two brothers, one of whom is gay and is out to both my parents. I feel a lot of shame and sadness about this, because I feel like it would be a double blow for my mother if I came out also (no grand kids, etc). Gay couples can adopt children so your parents can have grand kids.

I have always had an inferiority complex about my sexuality, never truly feeling like I'm a "real guy". I definitely feel inferior in social situations where I'm around 'manly' straight men, particularly sporty ones. I don't always feel this way, sometimes I feel proud and confident to be different, but quite often I give into feelings of inferiority. This is not unusual. Even today, society spreads the message that gay men are not really men. Even straight men can feel "inferior" if they aren't into [stereo]typical male pursuits, such as sports. The thing to remember is that the gay male community [not to mention the straight male community] is very diverse, and you are free to make your own choices based on what you like and don't like. If sports aren't your bag, who cares? Do what you enjoy. In any case, as we used to say in New York's Gay Activist Alliance -- the country's first militant [non-violent] gay rights group -- "99% of gay liberation is in the head."

When I was around 16 my parents started buying a right-wing newspaper which regularly featured negative articles on homosexuality. Perhaps I should have just stop reading it, but I was fascinated by what these journalists were saying; that homosexuality is a perversion, that it's a some kind of distortion of natural sexuality explained by the Freudian principle of over-attachment to the mother and envy of the father's penis or whatever, or that many gays are that way because they've been molested. [these are all out-dated and completely discredited theories that SCIENCE has proven incorrect.] 

 I felt angry at the hateful tone of the articles, but also vulnerable and afraid that maybe they were right, maybe my sexuality is just a sham. I started to question my upbringing "Maybe I was overly molly-coddled because I was the youngest?" "Did I have some trauma that provoked it?" "Was it down to feeling inferior to other kids at school?" and so on. I became desperately insecure, starting to feel like I was a freak. I felt so cruel, you know?, because at school I constantly heard guys make horrible remarks about fags and homos, and there was this national newspaper, written by adults, seemingly backing them up.All the latest research pretty much indicates that gay people are born that way. There is a wonderful organization called TRUTH WINS OUT that deals with the groups that spread the homophobic lies you're referring to. You might check out their website.

Then when I was 18, my closest gal pal, to whom I had recently come out, started an argument with me when we were out one night. She very forcefully argued that I couldn't possibly know I was gay because I hadn't had sex with a woman. Jeez, this is the hokey old argument: a man is only gay until he meets the right woman. It is not to be taken seriously. She said she she had worried that she might be a lesbian when she was younger, and that she had slept with a woman once and that it helped her realize she was heterosexual after all. If she actually had sex with a female she is at least bisexual and is kidding herself and you can tell her I said so. She kept angrily saying that heterosexual sex is the most beautiful, natural thing and totally superior to anything a man could do with a man or a woman could do with a woman (just to make it clear, she wasn't offering to sleep with me, just her opinion). Her attitude is entirely homophobic. [Perhaps fueled by her own homo-erotic feelings and her guilt over same.] There is absolutely no reason to think love between two men or two women is somehow inferior to love between a man and a woman. This is just religious-based prejudice.

I went home that night feeling crushed. Though I was angry at what she said, at the same time I was terrified she was right. What if my whole sexual identity was a total sham? I felt like a failure (and still do) because I was a heterosexual virgin. I started to look at images of straight sex on cable channels and found, to my horror, that some of the images turned me on. Even a particular image of a woman's breasts turned me on. I thought "My God! They were right after all!" I suddenly remembered a few times in my childhood when I was aroused looking at a woman's breasts in pictures, though these were far outnumbered by memories of very intense same-sex desires. I felt sick, like I was a total fraud, and fell into a deep depression that took months to recover from.Listen, being gay doesn't mean you find women repulsive, or can't sleep with women, or can't on occasion find a woman or breasts or what-have-you somehow sexy. As people used to say, "flesh is flesh." The whole thing has to do with preference. More on which in a moment.

Since then, In have only had sexual encounters with men, and still have no desire to pursue a sexual relationship with a woman; I just don't desire them sexually and romantically. But the old thoughts of "nothing is as good as straight sex", "women's bodies are built for pleasure, guys' aren't" still haunt me, and I still feel turned by thoughts or images of straight sex, particularly when the focus is on the guy instead of the woman, and I occasionally feel turned on by looking certain types of women's breasts, but never women themselves, like the whole person. Part of me thinks "this is crap! you're gay and just fetishizing 'normal' sex, you don't have to sleep with a woman if you don't want to!" I think you've hit the nail on the head here! while another part of me thinks "sleeping with a woman would "turn me", placing my penis inside a vagina would make realize I'm straight after all because the feeling would be so pleasurable, that a gay man who hasn't had sex with a woman doesn't have the right to call himself gay. That last thought really gnaws away at me.

Okay, I know a lot of gay men. Some of them have never slept with women because, like you, they honestly have no desire to. Others slept with women before they accepted their homosexuality, even got married and had children or went through a period when they thought -- hoped -- they were bi. Now they all identify as gay. The latter group may be glad they have children, but they also spent years if not decades with the wrong partner [wrong sex], hurt the women in their lives very badly when they finally came out, and wasted years being in the closet and having casual encounters instead of a full relationship. Surely that isn't what you want?

Also, sleeping with a woman does not turn a gay [ or legitimately bi] man straight. It just doesn't work that way. There are what we call "ex-gays" [again, see Truth Wins Out] who pair up with members of the opposite sex, have children, but in their heart of hearts they are still homosexual and generally lapse. They have NOT turned straight; all they've done is given in to society's negative attitudes. It all has to do with self-hatred instead of self-acceptance.  

What do you think Bill? This whole thing has really affected my self-esteem, and is ruining my ability to go out and find a nice man! I feel like a fraud, like gays are made not born (surely the times I got turned on by the breasts proves that?! not really ) that I don't have a right to a gay identity because one time with a woman would make me straight? Again, it just doesn't work that way, even if you have successful intercourse with a woman as many gay men have had.

I really don't want to have sex with a woman, the thought upsets me, but these thoughts keep coming back to me. If you don't want to sleep with a woman -- which could simply turn out to be a embarrassing, unfair situation for both you and the woman -- then don't. [Frankly, it's not that big a deal.] You've got to get over this whole notion that a man isn't really a man unless he's fucking women. It's out-dated and simply untrue. I mean, if it matters to you, I know a macho fighter pilot who had five children and then came out as gay, totally gay. And other gay men who never slept with women, yet distinguished themselves in such butch professions as firefighter and police officer. Having sex with women is not what makes a man a "man" and you have absolutely nothing to prove. I know that some essentially gay men pursue and sleep with women just to feel more manly, but all they're really doing is denying themselves, cruelly using the women in their lives, and being totally delusional about themselves as well.

Do you think I'm gay, bi or straight? And whatever I am, how can I boost my self-esteem and find peace? Would really value any advice you can offer.

Here it is: Based on everything you've told me, I would say you're definitely gay. Finding women's breasts aesthetically pleasing or even sexy in some way does not make you heterosexual or bi, not when you have no real sexual or romantic feelings for women but only for men. Sexuality can be very confusing and complicated. A man can be essentially gay and occasionally find women attractive without necessarily being bisexual, and even if he were, there is still the question of overwhelming preference. I would say your overwhelming preference is men. I believe you have been surrounded by homophobic attitudes and anti-gay "friends" with extremely negative opinions. You say your gay brother is Out, but is he also hung up about his homosexuality?

Stop hating yourself for being gay. If there's a gay/LGBT center in your city get some counseling or therapy from a gay or gay-friendly individual. 

As I have said for many years now IT'S OKAY TO BE GAY!

A Mass of Stupidities

I'll get back to answering questions very soon, but for my first post of 2009 I have to get a few things off my chest.

I started this blog because I was tired of reading all of the incredibly stupid things being said about the gay community by gays and straights alike.

Just a couple of nights ago I was flabbergasted when a patron at my local watering hole said that there was no homophobia. What? I told him he was completely out of it, mentioned the fight against marriage equality by the religious right (and others), anti-gay groups such as Focus on the Family (which has millions of dollars to spend on their homophobic campaigns), and groups like Exodus, which claim you can "pray away the gay." There are still 31 states in the U.S. where you can get fired merely for being gay. And countries where homosexuals are routinely put to death. Now. In the 21st century. Yes.

There are far too many gay people who remain blissfully unaware of what is going on in their own community and the dangers we still face, not to mention the amount of shame and internalized homophobia that stills exists in the homosexual [as opposed to the Out and Proud Gay] community. We can talk all we want about increased tolerance and acceptance (maybe), but that's not the same thing as being considered equal.

Recently I came across two message boards devoted to physical fitness, one gay, one straight. Ironically, the threads I came across had to do with the same subject (which I've covered more than once): straight guys working in gay bars.

On the gay message board a guy was understandably complaining because he thought a straight co-worker at the bar was doing his best to steal business -- and therefore tips-- away from him.

On the straight message board somebody asked other straight men if they would ever consider working in a gay bar.

The interesting thing is that on both threads some of the same old crap about gays, straight men, sexual identification, and so on was brought up for the umpteenth time. For instance:

* the moronic business about gay men allegedly being better tippers than straight. How did this ever get started? On the straight message board one guy insisted that gay men tip better because we're all rich -- he referred to antique dealers (one step above hairdressers, I guess) and the like. But some of the posters on the gay message board seemed to believe this shit too. There may be some gay men who tip a hot bartender a ridiculous amount of money the way some straight guys might over-tip a hot woman behind the bar, but most of us just tip what we feel is fair and can afford -- like most straight guys. I have never left a huge tip just because I thought the bartender was hot. I have observed the tipping habits of men in both straight and gay bars and have never seen any real difference, believe me.

*Then there's this nonsense about gay men all having a "thing" for straight guys. Well maybe if they're self-hating homos. Most out and proud gay men today know that the gay community is very diverse, and you can find just about anything you want -- including super-butch guys -- without having to pursue straight men. How pre-Stonewall can you get! Yet some of the guys on the gay message board forwarded this theory just like the straight guys did on the other message board. No wonder straight guys just don't get it. They pick up a lot of crap from gay acquaintances. (Or worse, episodes of Will and Grace).

[Of course we're dealing in both cases with jocks and physical fitness nuts -- not exactly intellectuals, although there are exceptions.] Most of these guys also seemed rather young, and therefore not as wise or experienced as older men, although I've also encountered many middle-aged morons. In fact the guy who made the comment about "no homophobia" was actually a senior citizen!

I also thought it amazing that the gay guys seemed completely unaware of the difference between sexual identity and sexual orientation, the fact that many men engage in gay sex and yet don't think of themselves as gay. Make no mistake that this on occasion applies to "straight" bartenders in gay bars. One gay poster even insisted that a certain bartender was certainly straight because he had a wife and kids. Jeez, over the years I've been hit on both off and on line by dozens of guys with wives and children!

Some of the gay jocks seemed okay with the idea of straight guys working in gay bars, suggesting (without necessarily using the term) that it was heterophobic to object to their employment. I wonder what they would think if they read the thread in the straight jock web site. While some of the responses were completely homophobic -- suggesting that a straight bartender would be assaulted in the men's' room, or grossed out by guys' kissing and having to watch "perversion" -- even the ones who said they'd consider working in a gay bar (or had already done so) creeped me out a bit. None of them seemed to really give a shit about gay people; it was all about them. One wrote: "Being around gay people makes me feel better about myself (superiority complex or some shit)" -- so he'd be willing to work in a gay bar.

[Say, isn't this just what we gay guys need, straight (or straight-identified) bartenders who feel superior to us! Or ones who are convinced that they'll get great tips because (they think) they're so damn hot. And, unfortunately, I've met more than a couple of bartenders like these. Guys who don't give a damn about the gay community yet are more than happy to take our hard-earned money.

But all this is just the frozen tip of the iceberg of imbecility that seems to emerge from people of all sexual orientations when they write about the gay community.

So Dr. Bill is going to continue his mission of educating both gays and straights and cutting through the bullshit -- and there is a lot of it out there. Way too much. This blog may soon be undergoing a name change -- a full explanation is forthcoming.

Until then: Stay out of trouble and have hot safe sex!

Kinder and Gentler?

I'm a straight woman, but it seems to me that gay men tend to be nicer, gentler people than straight men? Am I correct on this or way off-base? G.

Well I'm sure there are a lot of women who may feel as you do -- but it's probably because a gay man isn't likely to give you the grief that a straight boyfriend or husband can. Straight women can fall in love with gay men and become heart-broken, but it usually isn't because the gay man has led them on.

The image of gay men as being nicer and gentler -- that is, softer -- is why a lot of people think erroneously that gay men aren't tough enough to serve in the military. As I've often said, we're a diversified bunch. I've met gay men who are very sweet people who'd never hurt a soul, and gay men who are real S.O.Bs. Ditto for straight men. You've heard women complain about guys who say they're gonna call but never do or otherwise mistreat them? Well, some gay men often have the same complaint about the gay guys they date.

Gay men may be more open-minded and less sexist than their straight counterparts, but in general gay men come in all varieties, some nice, some not so nice. We're just people, after all. And we are men, with all -- good or bad or in-between -- that implies.

On the other side of the coin, there are people -- including, sadly, gay people -- who think that gay men are somehow worse than straight men in certain ways. In his book The Price of Achievement: Coming Out in Reagan Days (1995), which I just caught up with, Gay Republican (!) W. Scott Thompson states that gay men are more likely to steal and lie! This is probably because Thompson, who had been married with children before coming out, expected that only straight men took somebody's phone number, said they were gonna call, and didn't. (He broke up with a second fiancee by letter!!!) He also invited guests to gay parties at his Dupont Circle townhouse and some of them stole the silverware. But this is a guy who admittedly picked up good-looking tramps on the street and brought them home, supposedly to help improve their lot in life, so you can imagine his choice of party guests wasn't too ideal. [May I say that Thompson's book is stimulating, thought-provoking and well-written, but I disagree with his generalizations of gay men (possibly motivated by a degree of buried but not obliterated self-hatred?) Republicans!

Gay men are no more likely to steal from their friends or lie to people than anyone else, and it is outrageous to suggest so.