I enjoyed the Gay Pride events in New York but am I being a tightass when I say that one thing really bothered me. And that was this tendency for people to say "Happy Pride" instead of Gay Pride. I mean, what's up with that? Has there suddenly become something wrong with the word Gay? I know there are other groups included, but are gays now non-persons?
I wouldn't go that far, but I understand where you're coming from. "Pride" has become the name for the annual Gay/LGBT parades/marches and it's stuck with many people and reporters, although many still use "Gay Pride" or "LGBT Pride" instead of the generic "Pride."
It sort of annoys me when someone says "Happy Pride" in my face so I always counter with "Happy GAY Pride." Just saying "Pride" sounds too generic to me, meaningless. And while you can probably tell what kind of pride we're talking about from the same-sex couples and headlines, it's still rather annoying.
It's not so much that "gay" has become a dirty word as that it expanded to become LGBT so as to include all the sexual minorities [up to a ludicrous point where some call it LGBTQASBC and so on]. Although "gay" certainly includes gay women, you can understand that many lesbians wanted their own identity, which is also true of bisexuals and transgender individuals. Hence, I believe "Happy Pride" was born so as not to offend the non-gay members of the LGBT movement. Or something like that. It was some -- certainly not all -- politically-correct activists who decided this -- You and I did not get to vote.
The trouble is that "pride" is rather presumptuous. After all, there are many groups who have pride -- Blacks, Jews, Asians, Latinos, Women and so on -- since when does any one group or alliance own rights to the word?
Not far from where I live there's a section in the Village where different groups set up fairs, and at each fair you can see bankers and others wearing "Pride" shirts that work for any and every group -- I mean, they don't bother changing the shirts whether it's gays, Hispanics, or Chinese-Americans and so on who are celebrating. Saves on the cost of t-shirts for sure.
The thing is, "gay" should never go out of date. In the first place,"gay" was always meant as an umbrella word for the L B T factions, and it still has a certain identity and power.
And Gay Power is something we never want to lose.
They say Happy Pride.
You say: Happy GAY Pride.
It's as simple as that.
Showing posts with label gay pride. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gay pride. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Sunday, June 27, 2010
HAPPY GAY PRIDE
I have a backlog of questions that I'll be answering in the next couple of weeks, but for now let me simply say:
HAPPY GAY PRIDE EVERYONE!
HAVE A GREAT DAY!
AND IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY, COME OUT TO A PERSON YOU CARE ABOUT!
BILL SCHOELL
HAPPY GAY PRIDE EVERYONE!
HAVE A GREAT DAY!
AND IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY, COME OUT TO A PERSON YOU CARE ABOUT!
BILL SCHOELL
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Gay/LGBT Pride
June is LGBT PRIDE MONTH. We should be productive and help those people that are anti- gay about anything, become more aware of the Gay Community. Let's take the time this month to educate those around us about the LGBT Community, who we are, what we do and how all we want to do is live our lives in peace and not in fear. Please take an hour, a day or even a week this month. Open up your show/blog to this topic, since it is the month for awareness for all LGBT people in this country who just want what everyone else has: their human rights to live in this country as all other people do.
Excellent idea! It has been said that gay people are more accepted in this country not just because of the tireless efforts of activists, but because more and more "ordinary" people have come out of the closet. The more people who know that they have a gay relative, friend or co-worker, especially one whom they like and admire, the better the chances for acceptance. It is hoped that bloggers, gay and straight, will address this issue.
I recognize that some people, especially young people who may live at home with homophobic parents, can't come out. But I do get tired of excuses from older people who make their own living. One of the worst excuses is "I can't hurt my parents." How is coming out going to hurt your parents? It may educate them instead. Besides, many parents already know that their children are gay [I mean a 55 year-old-man who hasn't been on a date with a woman in thirty years -- come on!].
If you come out you may get razzed by co-workers or you may enlighten them, and discover that some friends and co-workers you never even suspected were gay -- it does happen -- will come out of the closet as well.
Anti-gay prejudice was particularly rife in those days when people thought the gay community only consisted of "a few guys in Greenwich Village." But there are millions of us. The more Out and Proud people there are in our community, the better for all of us. I understand that some people think of it as a private issue, but by hiding their sexuality they're missing an opportunity to provide support to gay acquaintances and education to straight ones. And let's make it clear that by coming out you are not discussing the intimate details of your sex life anymore than a person is who declares him or herself as hetero.
And we need to deal with those masses of fringe homosexuals who live in the closet, pretend they are straight, and just can't bring themselves to identify as gay due to deep-rooted shame and guilt. Some of these people immerse themselves in gay culture but still can't come out of the closet. If you know someone like that, suggest they get counseling. At least talk to them. Tell them It's Okay to Be Gay!
There are many gay/LGBT bloggers out there, many of whom are anonymous, some of whom are out, like me. I recognize that the Internet can seem like a big, scary place and some people are afraid to put themselves -- their real selves -- out there in cyberspace, but at least on one post during Gay Pride month these bloggers should identify themselves. I mean how can you talk about Gay Pride and remain anonymous. as if you've got something to be ashamed of?
Excellent idea! It has been said that gay people are more accepted in this country not just because of the tireless efforts of activists, but because more and more "ordinary" people have come out of the closet. The more people who know that they have a gay relative, friend or co-worker, especially one whom they like and admire, the better the chances for acceptance. It is hoped that bloggers, gay and straight, will address this issue.
I recognize that some people, especially young people who may live at home with homophobic parents, can't come out. But I do get tired of excuses from older people who make their own living. One of the worst excuses is "I can't hurt my parents." How is coming out going to hurt your parents? It may educate them instead. Besides, many parents already know that their children are gay [I mean a 55 year-old-man who hasn't been on a date with a woman in thirty years -- come on!].
If you come out you may get razzed by co-workers or you may enlighten them, and discover that some friends and co-workers you never even suspected were gay -- it does happen -- will come out of the closet as well.
Anti-gay prejudice was particularly rife in those days when people thought the gay community only consisted of "a few guys in Greenwich Village." But there are millions of us. The more Out and Proud people there are in our community, the better for all of us. I understand that some people think of it as a private issue, but by hiding their sexuality they're missing an opportunity to provide support to gay acquaintances and education to straight ones. And let's make it clear that by coming out you are not discussing the intimate details of your sex life anymore than a person is who declares him or herself as hetero.
And we need to deal with those masses of fringe homosexuals who live in the closet, pretend they are straight, and just can't bring themselves to identify as gay due to deep-rooted shame and guilt. Some of these people immerse themselves in gay culture but still can't come out of the closet. If you know someone like that, suggest they get counseling. At least talk to them. Tell them It's Okay to Be Gay!
There are many gay/LGBT bloggers out there, many of whom are anonymous, some of whom are out, like me. I recognize that the Internet can seem like a big, scary place and some people are afraid to put themselves -- their real selves -- out there in cyberspace, but at least on one post during Gay Pride month these bloggers should identify themselves. I mean how can you talk about Gay Pride and remain anonymous. as if you've got something to be ashamed of?
Social Drinker?
I have a friend who I feel is drinking himself to death. I seemed to get through to him and he stopped drinking for awhile, but recently he told me that if he wants to drink he'll drink, and that's that. I want to do an intervention, but some other of his friends think I'm making too much of it and that he just likes to party. But he has told me that he has been very depressed lately because he is out of work. So he shouldn't be spending what little money he has on booze. I also think he's never quite accepted that he's gay. He says -- and some of his friends say -- that he's just a social drinker, but I know better. Anon.
You bring up a variety of issues in your question, but I'll try to address them.
First, there are people who drink heavily during difficult periods -- such as after the death of a loved one, or losing an important job. Your friend is depressed and wants to feel better, hence the partying, socializing -- and drinking. He doesn't want to sit home alone brooding. Still, whether he's a genuine alcoholic -- which is debatable in this instance -- or has a "drinking problem" in that he drinks way too much [I mean, your liver doesn't know the difference], there's only so much you can do. He's a grown man, and this may just be a phase. If you feel his drinking will ruin his chances of finding work, you can tactfully make that point to him -- when he's sober -- because eventually he'll have no money to party.
As for any shame he's suffering because he's gay: there are certainly people who drink heavily because they can't deal with their sexuality. The question is: is he drinking because he's depressed and out of work, because he can't deal with his homosexuality, or because -- as most of his other friends feel -- he just wants to have a good time? I suggest you give it some time to see what develops, and as this is Gay Pride month you might have a talk with him -- again when he's sober -- about how he feels about being gay, and suggest counseling at a local gay center if he needs help in feeling good about himself.
You bring up a variety of issues in your question, but I'll try to address them.
First, there are people who drink heavily during difficult periods -- such as after the death of a loved one, or losing an important job. Your friend is depressed and wants to feel better, hence the partying, socializing -- and drinking. He doesn't want to sit home alone brooding. Still, whether he's a genuine alcoholic -- which is debatable in this instance -- or has a "drinking problem" in that he drinks way too much [I mean, your liver doesn't know the difference], there's only so much you can do. He's a grown man, and this may just be a phase. If you feel his drinking will ruin his chances of finding work, you can tactfully make that point to him -- when he's sober -- because eventually he'll have no money to party.
As for any shame he's suffering because he's gay: there are certainly people who drink heavily because they can't deal with their sexuality. The question is: is he drinking because he's depressed and out of work, because he can't deal with his homosexuality, or because -- as most of his other friends feel -- he just wants to have a good time? I suggest you give it some time to see what develops, and as this is Gay Pride month you might have a talk with him -- again when he's sober -- about how he feels about being gay, and suggest counseling at a local gay center if he needs help in feeling good about himself.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Worse than a Homophobe?
I received this comment for my post Why Gay Men Marry Women. Since it's quite long and raises some interesting questions, I decided I would answer it on a new post. The comments are in italics, my interjections are in bold, and I"ll wrap things up at the end.
From "rick lee y:"
It's no secret that these kinds of marriages have been around forever. It's silly to assume that just because someone comes out the guilt, shame and all negative thoughts, feelings and actions associated with gay life end there. You're absolutely right about that, which I believe I said right in the post you're responding to, as well as elsewhere. To a small minority within the minority it might be impossible for them to empathize with those who don't flip the denial switch automatically whenever you do something profound in life. The cost never talked about for such an act like outing yourself is that family and friends often times need time to deal with it as well. I think this is actually talked about a lot. Forcing the issue without regard for anyone's feelings or points of view on the subject that isn't the expected "I'm happy for you" is pretty much guaranteed to permanently damage or kill long standing personal relationships. So what's the alternative? Staying in the closet and being miserable? Sure everyone wants the big happy rainbow filled coming out of 110% acceptance but many people often deal with terrible unforeseen consequences to their personal relationships they once thought were solid and reliable. It has damaged or destroyed that connection leaving them feeling much worse about themselves. But the other side of the coin is that once they are out of the closet, these people who are left with shattered old relationships can build new relationships within the community. Plus not everyone who comes out goes through the situation you're describing, especially nowadays. You can blame "homophobic society" and the everything else in the world. That instant instability in one's personal and family life can lead to profound and severe depression often leading to other destructive behaviors as a coping mechanism. But you're ignoring the fact that most people come out to family and friends after they've come to terms with their sexuality, therefore there is no "instant instability." But because it has to do with being gay and coming out all those issues are ignored and replaced with campy, topical and cliched anecdotes that are a product of gay pop culture and nothing more. No, these "anecdotes" are not a "product" of gay pop culture but the result of more and more gay people accepting that it's okay to be gay, and that there is nothing wrong, immoral, or abnormal about homosexuality. You are terribly uninformed. Gays will have to accept that at times they will be unaccepted. Actually, I think most of us are aware of that, but what's wrong with trying to change things? Thanks to political correctness this issue has moved away from those it directly affects and has been handed over to politicians to legislate our lifestyle into acceptance. You just don't have the facts. Today's gay activists work with politicians to change not only legislature but attitudes; nobody has just "handed" things over to politicos. So, Dr. Bill, it would be nice to see you accept those gays in kindness who aren't just like you instead of this harsh and catty [stereotype alert!] judgment because not 100% of those who come out feel good about doing so. You seem unaware that the very idea of Coming Out -- becoming an Out and Proud Gay Individual -- is to acknowledge and celebrate one's sexuality and acceptance of same. Yet I will grant you that there are those who come out before they are ready, or still harbor [sometimes unacknowledged] negative feelings. Gays like you are actually worse than homophobic people oh come on now! since you cast away those whom you say you identify with based on some topical and unimportant assessment you probably got wrong to begin with. I'm sure you think you're making sense here but you're not. I know truth and the gay life are never supposed to mix what on earth are you talking about? but you have to put up with gays like me who keep self-inflated moral judges [judgments] in check. Oh really? Your personal life is littered with hookups and missed opportunities and regrets is this me you're talking about or yourself? Even if you've met me believe me you obviously don't know me which you make up for by having an over active activism hobby [gay activism is no "hobby"]that is clearly steeped in denial as you will support the gay agenda [?] no matter how illogical or unfair the fight becomes. It's not fun feeling judged is it? As an openly gay man no doubt I'm judged every day, whereas closet cases generally avoid this. So in conclusion I do see why you would write the point of view you did, you are a gay agenda sympathizer At least you're not calling me a "commie sympathizer" -- or is that next? who has no empathy for others who struggle with the pain and fallout of a coming out that doesn't go like it does on Logo. Just don't be so out of touch with the reality of what gays are actually doing and feeling by getting overly busied with this militant gay agenda that has lost touch with the average gay guy or girl it says it supports. According to who? Thanks.
You're welcome. First I think you should take a look at my piece on self-hating homos on my brother blog jatgab, if you haven't already. I have a feeling you'll be able to identify with the portrait I paint of people like you or the people you profess to know so much about.
Look, I'm sorry you -- or your friends or patients, or what-have-you -- have issues with your sexuality, are uncomfortable being gay and so on. A post on this blog went into why some gay people feel this way, and you might find it helpful.
But I'm not going to apologize for not feeling the way you or your friends do. I am not going to apologize for having been a gay activist and for trying to a.) help people feel better about themselves, getting past society's uninformed and wrong-headed prejudice and b.) trying to make things better in general for all gay people. Frankly, I think all gay activists should be thanked for it, but I suppose that's too much to expect.
As for people like you -- well, I have tried to be compassionate and understanding and I do accept the fact that not everyone is as strong as those of us who are Out and Proud, and some people just don't have the courage to be just a little bit unconventional. But, my friend, it is not 1950 anymore. It is not even 1970 or 1980. Attitudes have changed. And while there is still a great deal of misunderstanding and prejudice -- and obviously a lot of self-hatred -- it is also time to acknowledge that the dinosaurs no longer walk the earth and Gay Pride has been around for decades. What with gay marriage on the horizon, gays adopting kids, and so on, it won't be long before even conventional people will feel comfortable being gay.
I have met a number of people like you and have, in my way, tried to talk with and help them, but invariably I am met with hostility [You even go so far as to say I am worse than a homophobe!]. Self-hating gays almost always hate the Out and Proud, and I don't think I need to go into the obvious reasons why. We're happy, you're not -- and that's a shame, but aside from telling you it's okay to be gay, what more would you have me do when confronted with the usual steel wall of [self-] contempt? I can't force you to feel better about yourself, but perhaps a counselor or therapist might do you some good?
[Or jeez, perhaps you are a therapist who thinks he's sticking up for the self-hating gay person or the supposedly "straight" guy who continuously pursues men for sex -- if so, it's definitely a case of the blind leading the blind! If "pursuing the gay agenda" means that I want all homosexuals to stop denying their nature, both literally and figuratively, and be happy and fulfilled, then I am definitely pursuing a gay agenda and I'm damn proud of it. We should not encourage people to stay in the closet and continue to feel ashamed because they might lose current support networks -- we should encourage them to feel good about themselves so they can build new support networks.]
I don't think you know what gay activists are about, nor do you know what's on the mind of the "average" gay man or woman [if there is such a thing, as we're a pretty diverse bunch]. I think you feel you are so disconnected from and/or above "gay culture" -- for which you feel contempt -- that your knowledge of and opinions about same are simply uneducated at best or downright homophobic at worst. You undoubtedly have few gay friends; maybe not many friends at all.
I don't know the exact reasons for your bitterness, but I can't imagine that it's easy to live with. You're gay, you can't change it, and there's nothing wrong with it.
Once you accept that, life will be much easier for you, and you'll stop thinking of me -- and gay activists in general, who are only trying to help -- as the enemy.
From "rick lee y:"
It's no secret that these kinds of marriages have been around forever. It's silly to assume that just because someone comes out the guilt, shame and all negative thoughts, feelings and actions associated with gay life end there. You're absolutely right about that, which I believe I said right in the post you're responding to, as well as elsewhere. To a small minority within the minority it might be impossible for them to empathize with those who don't flip the denial switch automatically whenever you do something profound in life. The cost never talked about for such an act like outing yourself is that family and friends often times need time to deal with it as well. I think this is actually talked about a lot. Forcing the issue without regard for anyone's feelings or points of view on the subject that isn't the expected "I'm happy for you" is pretty much guaranteed to permanently damage or kill long standing personal relationships. So what's the alternative? Staying in the closet and being miserable? Sure everyone wants the big happy rainbow filled coming out of 110% acceptance but many people often deal with terrible unforeseen consequences to their personal relationships they once thought were solid and reliable. It has damaged or destroyed that connection leaving them feeling much worse about themselves. But the other side of the coin is that once they are out of the closet, these people who are left with shattered old relationships can build new relationships within the community. Plus not everyone who comes out goes through the situation you're describing, especially nowadays. You can blame "homophobic society" and the everything else in the world. That instant instability in one's personal and family life can lead to profound and severe depression often leading to other destructive behaviors as a coping mechanism. But you're ignoring the fact that most people come out to family and friends after they've come to terms with their sexuality, therefore there is no "instant instability." But because it has to do with being gay and coming out all those issues are ignored and replaced with campy, topical and cliched anecdotes that are a product of gay pop culture and nothing more. No, these "anecdotes" are not a "product" of gay pop culture but the result of more and more gay people accepting that it's okay to be gay, and that there is nothing wrong, immoral, or abnormal about homosexuality. You are terribly uninformed. Gays will have to accept that at times they will be unaccepted. Actually, I think most of us are aware of that, but what's wrong with trying to change things? Thanks to political correctness this issue has moved away from those it directly affects and has been handed over to politicians to legislate our lifestyle into acceptance. You just don't have the facts. Today's gay activists work with politicians to change not only legislature but attitudes; nobody has just "handed" things over to politicos. So, Dr. Bill, it would be nice to see you accept those gays in kindness who aren't just like you instead of this harsh and catty [stereotype alert!] judgment because not 100% of those who come out feel good about doing so. You seem unaware that the very idea of Coming Out -- becoming an Out and Proud Gay Individual -- is to acknowledge and celebrate one's sexuality and acceptance of same. Yet I will grant you that there are those who come out before they are ready, or still harbor [sometimes unacknowledged] negative feelings. Gays like you are actually worse than homophobic people oh come on now! since you cast away those whom you say you identify with based on some topical and unimportant assessment you probably got wrong to begin with. I'm sure you think you're making sense here but you're not. I know truth and the gay life are never supposed to mix what on earth are you talking about? but you have to put up with gays like me who keep self-inflated moral judges [judgments] in check. Oh really? Your personal life is littered with hookups and missed opportunities and regrets is this me you're talking about or yourself? Even if you've met me believe me you obviously don't know me which you make up for by having an over active activism hobby [gay activism is no "hobby"]that is clearly steeped in denial as you will support the gay agenda [?] no matter how illogical or unfair the fight becomes. It's not fun feeling judged is it? As an openly gay man no doubt I'm judged every day, whereas closet cases generally avoid this. So in conclusion I do see why you would write the point of view you did, you are a gay agenda sympathizer At least you're not calling me a "commie sympathizer" -- or is that next? who has no empathy for others who struggle with the pain and fallout of a coming out that doesn't go like it does on Logo. Just don't be so out of touch with the reality of what gays are actually doing and feeling by getting overly busied with this militant gay agenda that has lost touch with the average gay guy or girl it says it supports. According to who? Thanks.
You're welcome. First I think you should take a look at my piece on self-hating homos on my brother blog jatgab, if you haven't already. I have a feeling you'll be able to identify with the portrait I paint of people like you or the people you profess to know so much about.
Look, I'm sorry you -- or your friends or patients, or what-have-you -- have issues with your sexuality, are uncomfortable being gay and so on. A post on this blog went into why some gay people feel this way, and you might find it helpful.
But I'm not going to apologize for not feeling the way you or your friends do. I am not going to apologize for having been a gay activist and for trying to a.) help people feel better about themselves, getting past society's uninformed and wrong-headed prejudice and b.) trying to make things better in general for all gay people. Frankly, I think all gay activists should be thanked for it, but I suppose that's too much to expect.
As for people like you -- well, I have tried to be compassionate and understanding and I do accept the fact that not everyone is as strong as those of us who are Out and Proud, and some people just don't have the courage to be just a little bit unconventional. But, my friend, it is not 1950 anymore. It is not even 1970 or 1980. Attitudes have changed. And while there is still a great deal of misunderstanding and prejudice -- and obviously a lot of self-hatred -- it is also time to acknowledge that the dinosaurs no longer walk the earth and Gay Pride has been around for decades. What with gay marriage on the horizon, gays adopting kids, and so on, it won't be long before even conventional people will feel comfortable being gay.
I have met a number of people like you and have, in my way, tried to talk with and help them, but invariably I am met with hostility [You even go so far as to say I am worse than a homophobe!]. Self-hating gays almost always hate the Out and Proud, and I don't think I need to go into the obvious reasons why. We're happy, you're not -- and that's a shame, but aside from telling you it's okay to be gay, what more would you have me do when confronted with the usual steel wall of [self-] contempt? I can't force you to feel better about yourself, but perhaps a counselor or therapist might do you some good?
[Or jeez, perhaps you are a therapist who thinks he's sticking up for the self-hating gay person or the supposedly "straight" guy who continuously pursues men for sex -- if so, it's definitely a case of the blind leading the blind! If "pursuing the gay agenda" means that I want all homosexuals to stop denying their nature, both literally and figuratively, and be happy and fulfilled, then I am definitely pursuing a gay agenda and I'm damn proud of it. We should not encourage people to stay in the closet and continue to feel ashamed because they might lose current support networks -- we should encourage them to feel good about themselves so they can build new support networks.]
I don't think you know what gay activists are about, nor do you know what's on the mind of the "average" gay man or woman [if there is such a thing, as we're a pretty diverse bunch]. I think you feel you are so disconnected from and/or above "gay culture" -- for which you feel contempt -- that your knowledge of and opinions about same are simply uneducated at best or downright homophobic at worst. You undoubtedly have few gay friends; maybe not many friends at all.
I don't know the exact reasons for your bitterness, but I can't imagine that it's easy to live with. You're gay, you can't change it, and there's nothing wrong with it.
Once you accept that, life will be much easier for you, and you'll stop thinking of me -- and gay activists in general, who are only trying to help -- as the enemy.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Total Acceptance? Hardly!
I get the idea that many young gay people today think they live in a world of total acceptance. It's as if they've never heard of the ex-gay movement, the fight against gay marriage equality, the Republicans and their "family values," the fact that in some third world nations you can be put to death simply for being gay --and that you can still be fired in many states in the good ol' US of A just for being homosexual. And what about all the people who are still in the closet, using beards, on the down-low? Yes, things have improved a lot since the Stonewall riots, but why do some young people act as if gays are accepted everywhere? Are they in for a rude awakening? JS,
I'm afraid so. Older people, especially those who remember the days of raids and constant oppression and the days before hardly any public figures were out of the closet, are in a unique position. They can tell how much better things are, but their remembrance of the not-so-good old days reminds them that rights can often be a fragile thing, and a lot of bad attitudes don't go away, they just go underground. Anyone who thinks homophobia is a thing of the past is either living in fantasy land or is a fool or both.
Many younger people, especially those who work in the movement, do know that the struggle is far from other. But there are those who have loving and accepting straight friends and who live in big, comparatively liberal cities (with gay rights bills to protect them, of course) and since they've never experienced oppression in a major way, they think it's a thing of the past. Sadly, all it takes is one ugly experience -- someone hurling slur terms, a gay-bashing -- and they instantly become aware that homophobia is alive and well. Many of these people, while homosexual and out of the closet, don't have an especially strong gay identity, either. The gay cause is not their cause, more's the pity.
In a way it's good that many of these people of any age feel secure; it's better than the constant paranoia many gays used to face. The downside is that it makes them feel there's nothing left to struggle for. They see AIDS as an eighties issue (but HIV and AIDs are still with is, and still a threat), and Gay Lib as a quaint thing of the past. But there are still too many gay/homosexual people who do not feel good about, or accepting of, their sexuality, and this includes many who are out of the closet. And there are a large mass of closet cases out there who cut themselves off from gay culture, self-acceptance, and enlightenment.
The good news is that the percentage of gays who are Out and Proud is probably higher than ever before. And we continue to make advances, be it gay marriages, gay/LGBT rights bills, and so on.
But there's a looooooooooong way to go, and everyone must remember it!
I'm afraid so. Older people, especially those who remember the days of raids and constant oppression and the days before hardly any public figures were out of the closet, are in a unique position. They can tell how much better things are, but their remembrance of the not-so-good old days reminds them that rights can often be a fragile thing, and a lot of bad attitudes don't go away, they just go underground. Anyone who thinks homophobia is a thing of the past is either living in fantasy land or is a fool or both.
Many younger people, especially those who work in the movement, do know that the struggle is far from other. But there are those who have loving and accepting straight friends and who live in big, comparatively liberal cities (with gay rights bills to protect them, of course) and since they've never experienced oppression in a major way, they think it's a thing of the past. Sadly, all it takes is one ugly experience -- someone hurling slur terms, a gay-bashing -- and they instantly become aware that homophobia is alive and well. Many of these people, while homosexual and out of the closet, don't have an especially strong gay identity, either. The gay cause is not their cause, more's the pity.
In a way it's good that many of these people of any age feel secure; it's better than the constant paranoia many gays used to face. The downside is that it makes them feel there's nothing left to struggle for. They see AIDS as an eighties issue (but HIV and AIDs are still with is, and still a threat), and Gay Lib as a quaint thing of the past. But there are still too many gay/homosexual people who do not feel good about, or accepting of, their sexuality, and this includes many who are out of the closet. And there are a large mass of closet cases out there who cut themselves off from gay culture, self-acceptance, and enlightenment.
The good news is that the percentage of gays who are Out and Proud is probably higher than ever before. And we continue to make advances, be it gay marriages, gay/LGBT rights bills, and so on.
But there's a looooooooooong way to go, and everyone must remember it!
Sunday, June 29, 2008
HAPPY GAY PRIDE!
Today is the Gay Pride March in New York City, my home town.
And all I can say is:
HAPPY GAY PRIDE EVERYONE!
Have a great time, party, stay cool, stay safe.
And don't forget -- this isn't just a parade -- it's a March!
Because there's still a heck of a long way to go!
And all I can say is:
HAPPY GAY PRIDE EVERYONE!
Have a great time, party, stay cool, stay safe.
And don't forget -- this isn't just a parade -- it's a March!
Because there's still a heck of a long way to go!
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Mixed Gay/Straight Marriages
If one partner in a heterosexual marriage realizes that he or she is gay, is there still a chance that the couple can stay together? More to the point, should they? Anon.
No. A man or woman who is essentially homosexual should be in a happy, healthy relationship with a member of their own sex, not living a lie in a sham marriage. Most homosexuals who enter into heterosexual marriages do so because of self-hated, internalized homophobia, an inability to accept that they're gay and that gay is good. Homosexuals in these phony marriages should always be encouraged to accept themselves as gay men or lesbians, or they can never be completely happy or fulfilled. Homosexuals in these situations may feel that they're getting some benefit -- heterosexual privileges, so to speak -- out of being married, but it's just that they feel more "secure" by posing as "straight" to the world. But this feeling of security is just as illusionary as the marriage. They're constantly in terror of being exposed. And their self-hatred and dissatisfaction is debilitating.
Some homosexuals come to look upon their heterosexual spouses as their best friends, or some kind of a safety net. But a relationship with a "best friend" is not the same as the fully romantic and sexual, completely fulfilling and mature relationship, that both spouses deserve. Not only is the homosexual spouse getting a raw deal, but so is the straight one.
Couples in this situation should never be encouraged to stay together. The homosexual spouse will never feel good about him or herself as a gay person in such a situation. Any one who counsels these people must address the issue of internalized homophobia that is at the root of the problem. Anything less is completely unfair to both parties. The straight spouse (as well as the homosexual one) must come to realize that homosexuality is not some kind of disease that can be or should be "suppressed" so that a sham "heterosexual" marriage can continue. This is only allowing a situation in which homophobic attitudes -- both internalized and external -- can fester.
(Shockingly, I have come across gay therapists who think these couples should sometimes stay together, depriving both spouses of ultimate happiness and fulfillment. It's bad enough if straight, homophobic therapists feel this way, but gay ones? Perhaps they're dealing -- or not dealing -- with their own issues ... They absorb a lot of trendy, pc crap and spew it out as gospel or else believe all the nonsense spouted by their in-denial patients. Therapists, sadly, can be as dumb as anyone.)
Sometimes couples in this situation can remain friends -- especially if there are children involved -- even after both have moved on. But they should never stay together "for the sake of the children." Both parents will be miserable and children can hardly flourish in such an atmosphere.
Homosexuals in these "mixed marriages" should always be encouraged to stop being married homosexuals and closet cases, and come out as happily gay. This is the 21st century, after all, not the pre-Stonewall period, and even then "mixed marriages" were unfair and ludicrous.
Straight spouses of homosexuals can find support at the Straight Spouse Network. Homosexuals in "straight" marriages should seek counseling at their nearest gay/LGBT center. In both cases, any therapist should be at least gay-friendly, and a gay therapist should have a strong sense of Gay Pride.
That's the way it is!
No. A man or woman who is essentially homosexual should be in a happy, healthy relationship with a member of their own sex, not living a lie in a sham marriage. Most homosexuals who enter into heterosexual marriages do so because of self-hated, internalized homophobia, an inability to accept that they're gay and that gay is good. Homosexuals in these phony marriages should always be encouraged to accept themselves as gay men or lesbians, or they can never be completely happy or fulfilled. Homosexuals in these situations may feel that they're getting some benefit -- heterosexual privileges, so to speak -- out of being married, but it's just that they feel more "secure" by posing as "straight" to the world. But this feeling of security is just as illusionary as the marriage. They're constantly in terror of being exposed. And their self-hatred and dissatisfaction is debilitating.
Some homosexuals come to look upon their heterosexual spouses as their best friends, or some kind of a safety net. But a relationship with a "best friend" is not the same as the fully romantic and sexual, completely fulfilling and mature relationship, that both spouses deserve. Not only is the homosexual spouse getting a raw deal, but so is the straight one.
Couples in this situation should never be encouraged to stay together. The homosexual spouse will never feel good about him or herself as a gay person in such a situation. Any one who counsels these people must address the issue of internalized homophobia that is at the root of the problem. Anything less is completely unfair to both parties. The straight spouse (as well as the homosexual one) must come to realize that homosexuality is not some kind of disease that can be or should be "suppressed" so that a sham "heterosexual" marriage can continue. This is only allowing a situation in which homophobic attitudes -- both internalized and external -- can fester.
(Shockingly, I have come across gay therapists who think these couples should sometimes stay together, depriving both spouses of ultimate happiness and fulfillment. It's bad enough if straight, homophobic therapists feel this way, but gay ones? Perhaps they're dealing -- or not dealing -- with their own issues ... They absorb a lot of trendy, pc crap and spew it out as gospel or else believe all the nonsense spouted by their in-denial patients. Therapists, sadly, can be as dumb as anyone.)
Sometimes couples in this situation can remain friends -- especially if there are children involved -- even after both have moved on. But they should never stay together "for the sake of the children." Both parents will be miserable and children can hardly flourish in such an atmosphere.
Homosexuals in these "mixed marriages" should always be encouraged to stop being married homosexuals and closet cases, and come out as happily gay. This is the 21st century, after all, not the pre-Stonewall period, and even then "mixed marriages" were unfair and ludicrous.
Straight spouses of homosexuals can find support at the Straight Spouse Network. Homosexuals in "straight" marriages should seek counseling at their nearest gay/LGBT center. In both cases, any therapist should be at least gay-friendly, and a gay therapist should have a strong sense of Gay Pride.
That's the way it is!
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Welcome!
No, I'm not a doctor. I'm a professional author who's been Out and Proud for many years, and I've seen -- and experienced -- just about everything. I want to share my knowledge with my gay brothers and sisters and other interested parties. Please send your sincere and respectful questions about gay life, homosexuality, and gay people to me at trock4304@mypacks.net. I will respect your privacy and never give out personal information. I will post questions here with my responses --always from a perspective of Gay Pride -- along with comments from readers. Let's go on an enlightening and informative journey together.
MY BACKGROUND:
Counselor for the Mattachine Society during its final years. Media Chairman of New York's Gay Activist Alliance for several years. Co-host/co-producer on Gay Rap, WBAI radio, New York. Writer/Reporter for such gay publications as The Alternate, Philadelphia Gay News, New York Blade and many others. Out and Proud Gay Man for decades. Counseled and interviewed hundreds of gay men of various identifications for over 35 years.
Bill Samuels
NOTE: The Ask Gay "Dr. Bill" blog is for the purposes of entertainment and information. "Dr. Bill" is a nickname. "Dr. Bill" is not a doctor or therapist. Advice from a columnist should never be used as a substitute for professional counseling or therapy for people with serious problems. "Dr. Bill" is not responsible for any consequences of heeding or not heeding his advice; people are always responsible for their own actions.
MY BACKGROUND:
Counselor for the Mattachine Society during its final years. Media Chairman of New York's Gay Activist Alliance for several years. Co-host/co-producer on Gay Rap, WBAI radio, New York. Writer/Reporter for such gay publications as The Alternate, Philadelphia Gay News, New York Blade and many others. Out and Proud Gay Man for decades. Counseled and interviewed hundreds of gay men of various identifications for over 35 years.
Bill Samuels
NOTE: The Ask Gay "Dr. Bill" blog is for the purposes of entertainment and information. "Dr. Bill" is a nickname. "Dr. Bill" is not a doctor or therapist. Advice from a columnist should never be used as a substitute for professional counseling or therapy for people with serious problems. "Dr. Bill" is not responsible for any consequences of heeding or not heeding his advice; people are always responsible for their own actions.
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