Confused About Orientation

Hey Dr. Bill, I was reading one of your posts that said "bisexual or lesbian" and it struck a cord with me because some of the self identified bi-women sounded like me, when it comes to men. I like women and at least 98% of the time I am attracted to women. I think about women when I masturbate, when I watch porn I always look at the women, and I long to have a girlfriend. I consider myself to be a 5.5 on the Kinsey scale but I don't know if that's gay or bisexual. One of the only reasons I don't call myself gay is because I have slept with men before(two) and you can never really know what the future holds. I thought I was gay when I was about 13-14 and I came out to my friends and told them I liked girls (I didn't use labels). When I was 15 I told my mom and that didn't go too well. Ever since then it's been a bit of a struggle. I believe if my mom would have been more supportive I would never have been with men at all. I even had a boyfriend for a little while and I even told him I liked women and wanted to have a girlfriend lol. I was even about to ask him if a girl I liked was gay so he could hook me up. Throughout high school I had crushes on sooooo many girls and wanted to be with them but I was too scared to do it. I kinda envied those women who had girlfriends. I'm in college now and I'm still somewhat scared. I'm intimidated by women I like. I find men attractive but I don't find the sex or the relationships to be too satisfying. I get bored with them really fast. As a matter of fact I told a guy that I slept with that I wanted a wife. I don't know...but when I do talk to guys I still think about girls the majority of the time and how I wish I was with them. I'm convinced that if I get a boyfriend I'll end up meeting a woman and I'll leave him. So...I don't know -- am I bisexual or a conflicted lesbian? I notice when I look at a woman's body I'll get turned on but then I'll turn away because I don't want anyone to notice. Am I ashamed? I don't believe I'm self-hating but I'm confused. Also people say that sexuality is 'fluid' and it will change, especially for women. So I don't want to call myself gay and then ten years later I'm really straight. Any advice would be nice. Thanks.

First let's get one thing clear. When people talk about "sexual fluidity" they may mean that someone who is essentially gay may wind up -- for one reason or another -- in bed with a member of the opposite sex, but anyone who tells you that a person's sexual orientation can change -- that a gay person can magically become genuinely straight [at any age] -- is just dead wrong. Someone as attracted to women as you clearly are will not wake up some day and suddenly [or slowly] become heterosexual.

You also have to remember that sexual orientation isn't just about who you sleep with, but who you really desire on both sexual, romantic, and emotional levels, so your two experiences with men don't really count for much. It very much sounds to me that you want to be with women. Some homosexual people with a very tiny attraction to the opposite sex [as opposed to a whopping big attraction to their own sex] often call themselves bisexual for varying reasons, but in reality they are basically gay. I think this is the case with you.

I'm glad you don't feel full of self-hate, but it's possible that your mother's negative attitude may well have influenced how you see yourself and your sexuality. Based on what you have told me, I would have to say that you are definitely a lesbian, and much closer to a 9 or 10 on the Kinsey scale [if we must talk about the Kinsey scale] than a 5.5. And that's okay! If you feel you are consciously or sub-consciously ashamed of this, you can seek counseling or therapy from a gay or gay-friendly counselor or therapist.

Remember that there is nothing wrong with you and nothing wrong in being gay.

Gay/LGBT Pride

June is LGBT PRIDE MONTH. We should be productive and help those people that are anti- gay about anything, become more aware of the Gay Community. Let's take the time this month to educate those around us about the LGBT Community, who we are, what we do and how all we want to do is live our lives in peace and not in fear. Please take an hour, a day or even a week this month. Open up your show/blog to this topic, since it is the month for awareness for all LGBT people in this country who just want what everyone else has: their human rights to live in this country as all other people do.

Excellent idea! It has been said that gay people are more accepted in this country not just because of the tireless efforts of activists, but because more and more "ordinary" people have come out of the closet. The more people who know that they have a gay relative, friend or co-worker, especially one whom they like and admire, the better the chances for acceptance. It is hoped that bloggers, gay and straight, will address this issue.

I recognize that some people, especially young people who may live at home with homophobic parents, can't come out. But I do get tired of excuses from older people who make their own living. One of the worst excuses is "I can't hurt my parents." How is coming out going to hurt your parents? It may educate them instead. Besides, many parents already know that their children are gay [I mean a 55 year-old-man who hasn't been on a date with a woman in thirty years -- come on!].

If you come out you may get razzed by co-workers or you may enlighten them, and discover that some friends and co-workers you never even suspected were gay -- it does happen -- will come out of the closet as well.

Anti-gay prejudice was particularly rife in those days when people thought the gay community only consisted of "a few guys in Greenwich Village." But there are millions of us. The more Out and Proud people there are in our community, the better for all of us. I understand that some people think of it as a private issue, but by hiding their sexuality they're missing an opportunity to provide support to gay acquaintances and education to straight ones. And let's make it clear that by coming out you are not discussing the intimate details of your sex life anymore than a person is who declares him or herself as hetero.

And we need to deal with those masses of fringe homosexuals who live in the closet, pretend they are straight, and just can't bring themselves to identify as gay due to deep-rooted shame and guilt. Some of these people immerse themselves in gay culture but still can't come out of the closet. If you know someone like that, suggest they get counseling. At least talk to them. Tell them It's Okay to Be Gay!

There are many gay/LGBT bloggers out there, many of whom are anonymous, some of whom are out, like me. I recognize that the Internet can seem like a big, scary place and some people are afraid to put themselves -- their real selves -- out there in cyberspace, but at least on one post during Gay Pride month these bloggers should identify themselves. I mean how can you talk about Gay Pride and remain anonymous. as if you've got something to be ashamed of?

Coming Out to Parents in Middle-Age

I have a gay friend who is in his fifties but still hasn't told his parents he's gay. He says he doesn't want to hurt them. Is it really possible that they don't already know he's gay? R.J.

Improbable but not impossible. They can be in as much denial as some gay people are about themselves, and if their son doesn't conform to any of the usual stereotypes ... I myself have met some older men who are in the closet as far as their parents are concerned, and I confess I think it's a little ridiculous. I mean, most of these guys haven't been on a date with a woman in thirty years, have never had a girlfriend -- most parents aren't stupid. It never occurs to these guys that their parents already suspect they're gay and just want to know that they're happy. If your friend's real problem is that he isn't happy, suggest he get some counseling, or get some Out and Proud friends together to give him a pep talk and realize he can't blame all of his problems -- which everyone has -- on being gay.

The fact is that a lot of these guys don't come out to their parents not because they fear their parents can't take it, or that they'll be "hurt" -- what nonsense -- but because they're dealing with internalized homophobia. It's not about the parents -- it's about them.