"Bi" Boyfriend or Closet Case?

I am a 33-year-old gay man and I am currently dating a man of the same age who identifies as bisexual. He is attractive, and I enjoy our sex life, but I have worries. When we go out to dinner, he will frequently flirt with the waitress or other women in a way encouraged to make them think he is available, even though he is sitting with me. He will not act romantic until we get to a gay bar. Of course, I wouldn't like it if he flirted with other men either but I notice he never seems to do this, just women. I find it distinctly uncomfortable and wonder if he is capable of sustaining a relationship with another male. 

To be blunt, probably not. I won't even get into whether or not this guy is actually bisexual or what his preference is, but it definitely sounds like he is dealing -- and not at all well-- with internalized homophobia. I will just say that a lot of men who are embarrassed to be gay/bi and full of shame need to have women in their lives even if only as a beard or front. They have to exude some kind of heterosexual persona even when they're out with another man. The fact that he flirts with women but never men indicates that he is uncomfortable being out in public with a man except when he is in an all-gay environment like a gay bar. I have no doubt that he is the kind of "bisexual" who tells gay men he likes women but never tells the women whom he gets involved with, if any, that he also digs guys.

Frankly, as far as I'm concerned that is not being bisexual, it is being a closet case.

Your friend needs some counseling and a good dose of gay pride, but you have to accept that for one reason or another he may never feel comfortable in his own skin. Just the very idea of his hitting on women when he's on a date with you is rude and insulting and a little outrageous. And desperate. Like he's trying to prove something to himself.

My advice. Fuck 'im and forget 'im!

Questions about Fiance

Hi,

So I figured your expertise might have some answers to my stumping thoughts.

I'm engaged and questioning certain things about my fiance.

I feel he's hiding something or maybe I'm just a crazy assumer. sooo I thought, He might be bisexual......?

When I first met him, he told me about some gay guys he used to hang out with, that didn't seem "gay" and that they actually were fun to hang out with.

He specifically talked about a gay guy friend he used to work with. My fiance had a gf at the time but he told me his guy friend and him would joke around, for ex.: I read an email which went kinda like this....

 My fiance: "whats up fag" [Oy vey! -- Dr. Bill]

 his friend: "hey cock monkey"

 my fiance:" :)"

1st of all....a smilely face?

2nd.....isn't that flirting? [or just guys stupidly fooling around]

There were several other things he told me that were just a little...........bi-ish.

He told me that they always joke around and they both don't get offended by one another-[That's actually a good thing.]  It seemed they talked like that a lot. When we first met, I asked him..."are you bisexual". He got mad and said, "no!"

I thought, Obviously his friend is gay and likes guys, my fiance is good looking, so why wouldn't this gay guy jump on the chance to "do"  or flirt with my fiance.[Let's make it clear that gay men don't need to jump on or seduce straight guys, unless some encouragement makes it clear that the other guy isn't so straight after all.]

My fiance also cums a lot quicker during sex when I stick my finger up his butt and sometimes during sex he'll give me the lube to do it. [Interesting.]

 I found anal lube in the shower and he wouldn't tell me why it was in there. [That frankly is a red flag. Especially as he wouldn't give you an answer.]

He is the first bf that gets soo turned on by anal and would do it everytime if I let him.

We also have a great sex life but I've been catching him a lot masturbating watching porn.

Also, he kind of has a dysfunctional family, his parents have some mental problems [I hope you do realize that being gay or bi has nothing whatsoever to do with being dysfunctional or having "mental problems." Why are you even bringing it up?]

His sister told him she is bi and got so far as going down on a girl and the girl going down on her........

..........makes me believe for a sister to tell a brother that....is a little creepy [why?] or maybe he is bi, so he would understand because that was her 1st "real" sex with a girl. The mom also told them she had a lesbian experience and that's why the sister might have bi tendencies. [Well, people are born gay so I suppose a gay gene could be inherited. Both women could essentially be lesbians no matter how "straight" their lifestyle.]

And his straight friends and him say gay things [??] to each other jokingly but he also has said it to guys he doesn't know and it felt awkward to me, being there and hearing it, but the guys also seemed a little uncomfortable. And one time I told him, "you just flirted with that starbucks guy?!" and he said " I was just joking".

wtf? [It sounds like this guy is attracted to men and just doesn't know how to tell you, so he "acts out" in this way.]

I'm feel like I'm in the twilight zone, and just don't understand. And feel like he's hiding issues from me, and hiding things is not the way to start a marriage.

I might have to call off the engagement.

Does this sound like he might be bi or maybe his fam is kinda fucked up, so he is. -help

To be perfectly honest with you it sounds like your boyfriend is at the very least bisexual but isn't ready to come out as bi [he could even be gay]. This has nothing to do with a "dysfunctional family." Even if he is genuinely bisexual, the question is -- in his heart of hearts, and once he gets past any hang-ups he may have about his homosexual feelings -- which sex is his preference. If it's men, then a marriage would be problematic and completely unfair to both of you. The anal lubricant, his flirting with men, his deceptiveness, all bring his sexuality into question. I can't be absolutely certain of course, but I suggest you bring all of these things up to him, sharing your concerns, in a non-judgmental and non-accusatory way. Both of you deserve to know the truth.

Pseudo-Bi Boyfriend?

I'm a gay man in his twenties. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 months. He says he is bisexual, but he also says that he is much, much more attracted to men than to women. On the other hand, when we are in a gay bar and he sees an attractive woman he will make remarks to me about how hot she is. It doesn't bother me -- or maybe it does -- because it always seems that he's putting on an act. Would you say he's gay or bi? D

I think you've answered your own question. It's my belief [although I know others disagree] that if a person is overwhelmingly attracted to their own sex and only just a smidgen attracted to the opposite sex, then they are gay, not bi.

It's interesting that you've picked up that your guy may be putting on an act when he acts all "bi" in a gay bar. It seems to me that a genuinely bisexual guy wouldn't have to put on an act or childishly talk about how "hot" some gal was -- in a gay bar with his lover no less.

Some guys just have a need to keep some kind of "attachment" to the straight world. Once they come out as totally gay, they feel, there's no going back. He may also do it because he thinks it annoys you. In other words, he has issues. Some gay men identify as bi out of internalized homophobia, a failure to completely accept that they are gay and that it's okay to be gay. Maybe he has a need to feel "superior" or butcher" or have a more "macho" image, and this is what the "I Like and Fuck Women" attitude provides.

Give him a year or two. He may realize that he's just as gay as you are -- and like it!

Bisexual or Lesbian?

I'm a lesbian in her mid-thirties. I have a platonic friend -- a woman -- who says she is bisexual. If that were really the case, it would be one thing. But she keeps saying things that make me wonder if she just hates the whole notion of being gay and needs to appear straight to the world. She says her preference is definitely other women, but that she's afraid to have a gay relationship, yet at the same time she says she envies the relationship I have with my lover. I have no problem with her being bisexual, but I'm afraid that her relationships with men -- she says she's never had a satisfying one -- will always disappoint her. When I try -- tactfully -- to talk to her about this she just gets angry and accuses me of being biphobic. What can I do? HJ

I'm tempted to say you can leave me out of it -- my God I know how touchy some bisexuals or at least wannabee bisexuals can be -- but since you've asked I do have some advice.

Bisexuality -- or what passes for same [more on this on another post] -- seems to be far more commonplace among women than men. Let's say for argument's sake that many of these women are truly, genuinely bisexual [especially those who are equally attracted to both sexes]. However, it stands to reason that a certain percentage, however large, are not bisexual but gay.

For instance. A bi-identified woman once said that she didn't like the term bisexual, but couldn't call herself a lesbian because [italics mine] once in a blue moon she was attracted to a man.

Of course "once in a blue moon" means "hardly ever," and if a woman is "hardly ever" attracted to a man, she's not bisexual, she's gay.

I know there are bisexual advocates who will howl to the moon over this. They think anyone who for any reason or on any occasion ever slept with both sexes is automatically bisexual. Therefore, my school boy/college day fumblings with the opposite sex make me bisexual. I don't think so.

Some of this is simply internalized homophobia [which some people try to deflect by claiming anyone who disagrees with them is "biphobic" -- throwing it all back onto the big, bad gay person, you see]. Some people -- like your girlfriend -- just don't want to be gay. The problem is they're attracted to their own sex and they just can't deal with it. Whatever small attraction they have to the opposite sex is blown entirely out of proportion and turned into genuine bisexuality, which it isn't. [Again, this is not to say there aren't genuine bisexuals.]

I believe there are many, many women who are in this self-hating category. [And don't get me started on the men!] Here's just a quick sample of genuine comments I came across on the Internet from some bi-identified women .

"I am more attracted to women than I am to men ... one woman I was with was the best sex ever..... but I am married to a man and very happy... but if I ever divorce I will never have another man I will go full lesbian..... women are the best!!"

Okay. I don't think I really need to comment on that, anyone over eight can read between the lines.

"I'm with a man now. I'm afraid of getting too emotionally close to women friends in case I fall in love with them."

This is another one that needs no comment.

The women who made these comments are not true bisexuals, they're very confused and conflicted lesbians, which is probably true of your friend. They don't even realize how their own words give them away. I've no doubt it's along the same lines with your friend.

The trouble is that some irresponsible bisexual advocates have made it impossible for these women to accept the truth about themselves, because -- as you discovered -- if you try to tell them they're not bisexual they'll tell you you're being "biphobic" -- and immediately end all discussion. [Frankly, I think in some ways it's a shame that some bisexuals think of themselves as a totally separate sexual minority. Gay people are not to blame for that.]

All you can do is keep trying in your own tactful way to get through to her. Don't insist that you're right, simply tell her what's on your mind, suggesting that she just possibly, conceivably, might be, could be a lesbian, and what the hell would be wrong with that? Point out to her that you're a good person, that you're happy being gay, that she's even said she envies the relationship you have with your lover. Suggest she get counseling.

If will be like walking on egg shell, but give it a try. If she becomes too implacable or nasty or just closes her ears to you with finality, if she becomes downright homophobic with you [not without precedent] well, then, give it up. You can help some people, but others just don't want to listen. You'll just have to hope that she'll be able to get past all the bisexual identity politics and internalized homophobia and work it out on her own.

Good luck!

Bi -- or Married Homo?

I'm a gay man who's been seeing another man who turned out to my astonishment to be a friend of my brother and sister-in-law's. He works as a carpenter and was at their house the same time I was. I was delighted to see him but he pretended that I was confusing him with somebody else! I was hurt and shocked. It turns out that he's married and in the closet. I confronted him days later in a bar, told him to lose my number, and he said he was all confused and bisexual, as if asking for sympathy. He's been cheating on his wife and lying to me for months. Should I bother with him anymore? And is he really bi or just kidding himself? Anon.

Whatever one thinks of the realities or unrealities of bisexuality, there's a big difference between an openly bisexual man who marries a woman (who knows that he's also attracted to men) and a married homosexual who is only bi in the technical sense -- he sleeps with his wife and has children but is innately homosexual (he sleeps with men, and generally only men, behind his wife's back). Today, many guys who are clearly in the latter category are calling themselves bi, hoping this will make them seem all hip and up-to-date instead of the pathetic closeted dinosaurs they really are. Not having met your carpenter I can't say for certain, but his reaction upon meeting you at your brother's house seems pretty much to tell the story. I mean, pretending he was somebody else!

I'm sorry if you were developing feelings for this man. Maybe he was developing feelings for you and is mulling over his married status and may want to come out and be with you. But if he hasn't said so, don't assume it. Some guys in his position finally get the strength to break free of a constrictive heterosexual relationship when they fall in love with a guy, but others can't give up the wife and family or the straight veneer no matter what -- if your carpenter is in that category, then you've done the right thing by moving on. If he's genuinely bisexual -- a big if, in this case -- then he's just a bi swinger and probably has no reason to, or intention of, ever leaving the wife. In any case, how can you ever trust a man who never bothered to tell you he was married and has, as you say, been lying to you -- and his wife -- for not only months but (in her case) probably years.

If he doesn't indicate an honest, sincere desire to come out and be with you, wish him well and blow him off!

Good luck!

Lesbian with Swingin' Lover

I am a 32-year-old lesbian who has a 26-year-old lover who says she is bisexual. She tells me that she is happy in our relationship, our sex life is good, but that she needs to be with a man now and then. I am not comfortable with this, and am very uncomfortable with the thought of her being with a man, especially as I suspect it's the same guy each time (I suppose that's better than her sleeping around with a whole bunch of guys). She sees this man every two weeks or so and says it's only about sex, but even if that's true, I do not want to share her with anybody. She says I am close-minded. I love her, but I am just not comfortable with this arrangement. Suffering Sappho.

And why should you be comfortable with this arrangement? If you want a monogamous relationship -- which does not in any way make you "close-minded" -- you should be with someone who believes in monogamy, and it doesn't matter what her sexual orientation is. I personally have nothing against open relationships, but both parties should agree to this -- if not, then one of them is cheating. You should make it clear that this arrangement is not one you can live with; you are not giving her "permission" to cheat.

Besides, bisexual advocates (with whom I do not always agree) argue that it is a stereotype that bi's need to be with both men and women on a regular basis -- only that they can fall in love with either a man or a woman. They also argue that bi's are not more inclined to be unfaithful than gays or straights. Perhaps your lover is also (or only) sleeping with other women, and is using the bi business for a convenient excuse, figuring you'll find the idea more palatable if you think, because she's bi, that she has to have both men and women. Or perhaps she's dealing with internalized homophobia, and sleeps with men to feel more feminine or "normal." I also sense that you fear -- if she's seeing the same man (sort of a "male mistress") on a regular basis -- that she may develop feelings for him and leave you, which is certainly a possibility.

In the long run, it doesn't matter if she's bi or gay or whether she's seeing one man, many men, other women, or both. She's a "swinger" and you're not. Sit down with her and tell her you want a monogamous relationship, and if she's not comfortable with that, then perhaps it's time to move on. Maybe if you make it emphatically clear how you feel, she'll come around, but she could always keep cheating behind your back. For her, her bisexuality could be a phase, but on the other hand she may never want to give up men, for whatever reason.

What's the point of holding on to a relationship -- no matter how much in love you may think you are -- if it just causes you doubt, confusion, and unhappiness? It may be painful, but you're young and there are other wonderful women out there who will be happily satisfied with you alone.