Bed-Hopping at Any Age

I am casually dating a man who, like me, is in his late forties. "Doug" is always attentive to me when we go out, but he has admitted that he cruises quite a bit and is quite sexually active. We stick to safe sex and he says he does the same with his tricks. But why is a man of his age still cruising instead of settling down? Is this a kind of sickness that some guys need to go to bed with as many men as possible? I'd love to hear what you think about this.

You're gonna hear it, all right. Being sexually active and enjoying a healthy sex life and a variety of interesting sex partners -- at any age -- is not a "sickness." Different strokes for different folks, to coin a cliche. You wouldn't like it if Doug suggested that you were sexually repressed or had something wrong with you simply because [I assume] you only sleep with the man you're currently dating. May I make it clear that there's a big difference between someone who enjoys a healthy sex life -- especially if he sticks to safe sex -- and a "sex addict" who sleeps with people, even people he finds repulsive, compulsively. Doug may not "need to go to bed with as many men as possible" -- he may just have a strong sex drive, be attractive to many men, and enjoy hitting the sheets when he feels like it. What's wrong with that?

In my opinion it has little to do with sex or sexual orientation but some people are the monogamous type and some are not. The trouble starts when the two types become partners and the friction isn't limited to the bedroom. In this case, it's not what Doug is doing, but the fact that it's Doug who's doing it. Someone you obviously care for and want to settle down with. But first, there's something else that needs to be said. And that is that a man in his late forties like Doug is not exactly over the hill. I have met sexually active men who are a couple of decades older than that. And still going strong. Good for him!

Conventional thinking on this subject suggests that some middle-aged gay men seek lots of sex partners because they have a sense of time running out, that they fear the day when they will no longer be able to attract anyone. [And don't think that straight men don't fear getting older, too, and for this same reason.] There may be truth to this, but we have to go one step beyond the conventional thinking. Why should someone who enjoys good sex and physical closeness with another person give it up just because they reach a certain age? If "Doug" has no partner should he stick to five finger exercise all the time?

I think you're probably hurt because Doug isn't "satisfied" with you, because it sounds as if you'd be perfectly content with him and him alone. This is not an easy situation for you. Doug may not be ready to settle down -- there's no certain age when someone is ready -- but in any case, even when he does settle down he may prefer an open relationship to monogamy. And it doesn't sound as if that's something you'd be into. That doesn't make you a prude or mean there's anything wrong with you. But you are being just a touch puritanical with your remarks about cruising and age.

I also have to say that you shouldn't settle for an open relationship if you're not comfortable with it -- and many aren't. The stereotype of gay men is that we're all "promiscuous" but the truth is that many gay men are quite conservative in that respect, and are much more interested in -- and happy being in -- monogamous relationships. But that doesn't mean that gay men who enjoy being sexually active with more than one partner should be castigated for their attitudes and activities, especially if they're responsible.

So the good news is that if Doug doesn't work out, you're bound to find plenty of gay men who want to settle down and snuggle with that one special person -- and no one else -- just like you do. Good luck!

Self-Hating Lover

SO, phew, where to start, I'm currently in a relationship with my, might I add, very cute boyfriend. We're both young (don't worry we're 18) and nearly out, not all of our friends know about this, not even family, but we love each other very much. But not all is happy -- first of all because of his christian upbringing, he is very ashamed of his orientation, making it even more difficult for him to come out to his parents and the rest of the world, besides really close friends. And that's the first issue, the bigger problem is that in the several months that we have been in a relationship we have only had sex once, he has given no explanations why, and every time we get to making out and are about to go all the way he flinches, which is odd -- the only time we did it he was even more into it than I was! How could he have changed so badly?... I mean, we're very close in every other respect and from time to time he gets really hot and jumps at me to make out, but when it goes to the next level, he simply stops; when I ask why he does that he gives no explanation, besides saying "I just don't feel like it."

Now everybody has urges, and while I don't know how he deals with his I just can't deal with mine, I mean I'm only getting worked up but can't get any real action, and its killing me! I've asked what's wrong and I don't get a conclusive answer; I talked about this to the guy that is his closest friend, and he said that he had only heard good things about our relationship from him, so I'm stumped; I honestly don't know what's wrong! and I can't stand it!

In a fit of desperation I told him that I couldn't stay loyal to him if I didn't get any action; he had a sudden expression of sadness or something, and he gave the classic response that I couldn't really mean it. Ok, I must admit I almost cheated on him in the past, but I did not go through [with it], because I love him, and I feel like a complete ass. I haven't seen him since, but I'm very sad for having said that -- that was only said by my libido. But I can't deny there is something in it too. I mean, I'm not a bad person or anything but if things don't work in bed well... but even though I love him very much, I don't want to say something I'll regret along the way. Why do you think my boyfriend acts like this? Is what I did terrible? Or is it a bit rational? WHAT SHOULD I DO!

To be blunt, I would get a new boyfriend. But wait -- there's also a less drastic solution.

You already know what this guy's problem is. You stated it in your first paragraph. He's full of self-hatred due to his religious upbringing [and probably other reasons]. The reason he won't have sex with you is that -- even though he's attracted to you and other men -- he's ashamed of his homosexual feelings. That's why he keeps pulling away. He wants to make love to you because he's attracted to you but then his shame and guilt get in the way and he backs off. That's the only reason the two of you have had only one sexual encounter in all the months you've been together. [He may also have a fear of HIV/AIDS, so even if you're negative always stick to safe sex.] He also may have other hang-ups you don't even know about.

Sex may not be the only thing that matters in a relationship, but it is an important part of a relationship, and you have a right to expect that your lover will want to make love to you on a regular basis.

I realize that you love the guy, but it really doesn't sound like he's at all ready to make a serious commitment to another man. You must suggest -- even demand it if you have to -- that he go for counseling, possibly even therapy. If there are any gay centers or groups in your community, find out if they offer free counseling to troubled, conflicted gay men, and believe me, your boyfriend is one troubled and conflicted fellow.

Until he's comfortable with himself and his sexuality, he won't make much of a lover either in or out of the bedroom -- but I suspect you already know this. It's just that he's cute and you care for him a lot. But he needs help.

If you can't see yourself breaking up with him [and you should certainly threaten to do that or consider doing it if he refuses to get help] at least insist that you want an open relationship -- the two of you remain a couple but can have [safe] sex with others -- because you have a right to satisfy your sexual urges.

This may have a happy ending. But if being with you and his other gay friends hasn't convinced this guy that it's okay to be gay, he needs to get counseling or see a gay-friendly therapist who will help him accept his orientation. He also needs to know that not all Christians or religions are homophobic or see homosexuality as an evil perversion. Find a gay or gay-friendly church in your neighborhood for a start. If we meets other Christians who are okay with being gay, it might help him on his long road toward self-acceptance. [You can read more about internalized homophobia and gay self-hatred here.]

Let me know how it goes.

Bare-Backing Lover

My lover and I have an open relationship but recently I learned to my GREAT distress that he has been bare-backing -- and he's a bottom. He doesn't seem to be possessed of the self-hatred that you've mentioned, but when it's so easy to have your sex partner slip on a condom ... I just can't understand his behavior. What can I do about this? Anon.

Frankly, I can't understand his behavior either. [For the record, bare-backing is engaging in anal sex without using a condom.] I know some tops complain that they don't like to wear condoms, that it interferes with the sensations that they feel [although in that case I would recommend experimenting with different types of condoms, and there are plenty] but it shouldn't make that much difference to a bottom (and again bottoms can also experiment with different types of condoms). Let me make it clear that unprotected anal sex is the absolutely riskiest behavior for gay men. While it is much, much riskier for bottoms, there have been documented cases of tops getting HIV because they didn't use a condom as well.

As for your lover's behavior, there are several explanations [besides the fact that he's being very stupid]. If he's very young, he may feel he's invincible and that bad things only happen to other people -- even though, to everyone else, he is "other people." It's possible his "extra-marital" relationships occur when he's under the influence of something, and he's careless. People who are sexually active should carry condoms at all times and be prepared for every circumstance. If your sex partner says he doesn't have a condom, pull one out of your pocket -- pronto. If he doesn't want to use it, say good-night -- no matter how hot he is. Some sexual experiences just aren't worth the danger.

HIV may not be the death sentence that it once was, but people should by no means take it casually. AIDS is still a serious medical condition that can impact a person's entire life. Simply being HIV positive, while nothing to despair over necessarily, can have a serious effect on a person's general health and social status. Too many people, of all races, genders and orientations, mistakenly believe that HIV/AIDS is "no big deal." You have to make sure that your lover is made aware of this by showing him this and other posts on the subject, nagging him until it finally sinks in. Not only is he risking his own health, but yours as well.

You and your partner need to get tested for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. Again, being HIV positive, even having AIDS, is not the end of the world, as there are treatments that can help patients lead a more or less normal life [although it must be said that not everyone responds to treatment, which is another reason to swear off bare-backing]. But the fact that AIDS may be more treatable than it once was, does not mean that it's nothing to worry about. And other STDs are on the rise.

As for self-hatred, I've no doubt that some people who indulge in risky behavior have serious emotional issues, but in your lover's case it may simply be carefree, foolish recklessness on his part. If drugs or alcohol are influencing his behavior, then those issues must be addressed as well. [Don't get so drunk or fucked up that you can't wear a condom or remember to insist that your sex partner put one on.]

I'm in favor of open relationships. But for them to work, both partners have to be responsible. Which means safe sex at all times -- no exceptions!

Nag your lover about this until it sinks in.

Lesbian with Swingin' Lover

I am a 32-year-old lesbian who has a 26-year-old lover who says she is bisexual. She tells me that she is happy in our relationship, our sex life is good, but that she needs to be with a man now and then. I am not comfortable with this, and am very uncomfortable with the thought of her being with a man, especially as I suspect it's the same guy each time (I suppose that's better than her sleeping around with a whole bunch of guys). She sees this man every two weeks or so and says it's only about sex, but even if that's true, I do not want to share her with anybody. She says I am close-minded. I love her, but I am just not comfortable with this arrangement. Suffering Sappho.

And why should you be comfortable with this arrangement? If you want a monogamous relationship -- which does not in any way make you "close-minded" -- you should be with someone who believes in monogamy, and it doesn't matter what her sexual orientation is. I personally have nothing against open relationships, but both parties should agree to this -- if not, then one of them is cheating. You should make it clear that this arrangement is not one you can live with; you are not giving her "permission" to cheat.

Besides, bisexual advocates (with whom I do not always agree) argue that it is a stereotype that bi's need to be with both men and women on a regular basis -- only that they can fall in love with either a man or a woman. They also argue that bi's are not more inclined to be unfaithful than gays or straights. Perhaps your lover is also (or only) sleeping with other women, and is using the bi business for a convenient excuse, figuring you'll find the idea more palatable if you think, because she's bi, that she has to have both men and women. Or perhaps she's dealing with internalized homophobia, and sleeps with men to feel more feminine or "normal." I also sense that you fear -- if she's seeing the same man (sort of a "male mistress") on a regular basis -- that she may develop feelings for him and leave you, which is certainly a possibility.

In the long run, it doesn't matter if she's bi or gay or whether she's seeing one man, many men, other women, or both. She's a "swinger" and you're not. Sit down with her and tell her you want a monogamous relationship, and if she's not comfortable with that, then perhaps it's time to move on. Maybe if you make it emphatically clear how you feel, she'll come around, but she could always keep cheating behind your back. For her, her bisexuality could be a phase, but on the other hand she may never want to give up men, for whatever reason.

What's the point of holding on to a relationship -- no matter how much in love you may think you are -- if it just causes you doubt, confusion, and unhappiness? It may be painful, but you're young and there are other wonderful women out there who will be happily satisfied with you alone.