Bi When It Suits Him

I recently met a guy who keeps telling me he is bisexual and dates women as well as men. When I ask him if he has a preference -- men or women -- he won't say or says he has none. My question is, why should I bother dating a guy who may ultimately wind up with a woman for one reason or another. He did admit that the women he sees do not know he is bi. I'm afraid he is not really being honest with me and using his "bisexuality" to keep me at bay, so to speak. 

Well, he certainly isn't being honest with the women he allegedly dates, is he? There's a word for men who tell other men that they dig women but never tell the women they date that they also dig guys and it isn't "bisexual" -- it's closet queen. Not to be politically incorrect, but I believe most men who identify as bisexual -- whatever the reality of their sexuality -- do wind up in standard heterosexual relationships, however satisfying or unsatisfying they may find them.

I have known cases where men tell other men they are bisexual simply to keep things very casual -- "don't get hung up on me, baby" and that sort of thing -- but if he's sending you a message to keep your distance, then there's obviously not much of a future with him whether he's gay or bi, is there? Move on.

My advice. Fuck him one last time and forget 'im!

Getting Affectionate

Good Evening, I came across your blog when looking up Gay Dating Etiquette.  I have been single for about 11 yrs.  I joined OurTime.com and met someone about a 1 1/2 months ago.  We have been on 4 dinner dates and have a great time.  Each time we greet and end with a handshake. We always agree to do it again.  I know we have great chemistry.  But how/when would be the time to show more affection?

Last Night was our 4th date and the discussion turned to both of us sharing the darker side we experienced.  I found him even more attractive.  I texted him and told him is was a fun dinner and followed up with asking for a date this upcoming Tues or Wed.  He texted back and agreed to Wed.

I am confused.  I am liking him more and more each time I see him. He has told me he thinks I am attractive, and that he met someone that casually knows me.  His friend asked what he has been up to.  He said he met a great guy and has been enjoying that.  I guess I have his attention.

Please help.  I just don't want to get any older and still be alone.  I really enjoy this guy.

Thank you for any advise you can offer.

Four dates and not even a good-night kiss yet? What are you waiting for?

Seriously, it sounds as if each of you is waiting for the other to make a move. You've gotten to know each other, enjoy each other's company, and find each other attractive. If he won't make the first move, then you'll have to do it. 

It is easy enough to be affectionate. You can give him a gentle, loving pat on the cheek. Squeeze his shoulder or thigh. Put you arm around him. Some people aren't comfortable with Public Displays of Affection, and some gay men are still in the closet, so I would suggest taking him to a gay bar where he might feel more at ease. Try to sit side by side either in the bar or restaurant, wrap your arm around him, and give him a kiss on the cheek. Hopefully he'll turn in your direction and you'll be kissing on the mouth. I think you'll know when the time is right. Hell, even if it isn't, give it a try! What can you lose?

If he has some problems or issues it's better to know it sooner then later.

This may lead into a question of "my place or yours." I would suggest telling him that you're not just interested in him as a sex object, but have romantic feelings as well. That way he'll know what your intentions are and you can better gauge his reaction.

 I'm not saying that sex should be hurried, but if you're hoping for a possible long-term relationship with this guy, sooner or later you'll have to know if the two of you are compatible. Stick to safe sex, use a condom, and enjoy yourself. 

Have fun and good luck!

Casual versus Anonymous

I came across a post where you answered a question about casual sex. Isn't it true that casual sex and anonymous sex are not the same thing? 

Absolutely true. Casual sex is a one night stand, a bar pick-up, or it can refer to sleeping with a person you are acquainted with, maybe even friends with [a fuck buddy, or as straight people say "friends with benefits"], but aren't in love with. There's no romance, no angst, no jealousy, none of the tortured, joyous emotions of a full-fledged love affair. Just good, clean sex.

Anonymous sex, on the other hand, is where you not only never get to know the person with whom you are having sex, you may not even get to see what they look like, and there's definitely little, if any, conversation. This is --in my opinion -- old-fashioned sex, more prevalent in the days before Stonewall, where gay men would meet anonymously in dark parks, men's rooms ["tea rooms"], movie theaters, and other trysting places where there was not only no wining and dining or cruising before sex, there was no anything -- the two would just get right at it for instant gratification.

Before AIDS, there were many darkened back room bars where anonymous sex would go on. Men would follow a guy they saw and liked in the [brighter] front room of the bar and hope that if they hooked up with him in the back room they were getting the right guy! But with all those bodies, and shadows, who knows?

Frankly, in my opinion, sex is a much more satisfying experience in a bed and after getting to know someone even a little bit. Still there are people -- gay and straight -- who like the no-frills action and slight edge of danger to anonymous, often public sexual encounters.

Dumped After Sex?

Hello dr. Bill, I am a gay guy living in Nigeria, here in Africa. I was online few days ago and I [came across your web site]. The problem I am having is confusing. I don't search for boy friends but they come my way and each time they want to have sex with me, I refuse --  because I have this feeling that that if the guy has sex with me, he is gonna dump me and I will be worthless after the action. It is like an ego in me,and I begin to feel like I can't be defiled, though I wanna have sex with them but when [the opportunity] comes, I starve myself of it again.  I don't know why that is happening. Thank you very much Dr. Bill, will love a reply soon.

This is a very common problem. You are afraid that if you have a sexual encounter with someone, that person will not want to see you again. [They're called "one night  stands" for a reason.] It sounds as if you're just not into casual sex, that you prefer to have erotic encounters with someone you have some kind of relationship with. Since you don't seem to have a problem attracting men, I suggest that the next time someone comes on to you, tell them you are not into casual sex, that you prefer to get to know someone a bit before jumping into bed with them. Obviously someone looking for a quick hook-up will move on, but other guys who like you may agree to go out on a date or a few dates before sleeping with you. No one can guarantee that this will lead to a lasting relationship, but at least you will feel some emotional connection to the man you are having sex with. 

Remember, that having casual sex with someone does not mean you are being "defiled." If you use condoms, stick to safe sex, you can still have a good time with someone you are not in love with. It's your choice. 

You may find that there are other guys who feel as you do, who are willing to go out on dates with you, have coffee or a drink, and forgo the sex until some time later. 

Good luck!

Bed-Hopping at Any Age

I am casually dating a man who, like me, is in his late forties. "Doug" is always attentive to me when we go out, but he has admitted that he cruises quite a bit and is quite sexually active. We stick to safe sex and he says he does the same with his tricks. But why is a man of his age still cruising instead of settling down? Is this a kind of sickness that some guys need to go to bed with as many men as possible? I'd love to hear what you think about this.

You're gonna hear it, all right. Being sexually active and enjoying a healthy sex life and a variety of interesting sex partners -- at any age -- is not a "sickness." Different strokes for different folks, to coin a cliche. You wouldn't like it if Doug suggested that you were sexually repressed or had something wrong with you simply because [I assume] you only sleep with the man you're currently dating. May I make it clear that there's a big difference between someone who enjoys a healthy sex life -- especially if he sticks to safe sex -- and a "sex addict" who sleeps with people, even people he finds repulsive, compulsively. Doug may not "need to go to bed with as many men as possible" -- he may just have a strong sex drive, be attractive to many men, and enjoy hitting the sheets when he feels like it. What's wrong with that?

In my opinion it has little to do with sex or sexual orientation but some people are the monogamous type and some are not. The trouble starts when the two types become partners and the friction isn't limited to the bedroom. In this case, it's not what Doug is doing, but the fact that it's Doug who's doing it. Someone you obviously care for and want to settle down with. But first, there's something else that needs to be said. And that is that a man in his late forties like Doug is not exactly over the hill. I have met sexually active men who are a couple of decades older than that. And still going strong. Good for him!

Conventional thinking on this subject suggests that some middle-aged gay men seek lots of sex partners because they have a sense of time running out, that they fear the day when they will no longer be able to attract anyone. [And don't think that straight men don't fear getting older, too, and for this same reason.] There may be truth to this, but we have to go one step beyond the conventional thinking. Why should someone who enjoys good sex and physical closeness with another person give it up just because they reach a certain age? If "Doug" has no partner should he stick to five finger exercise all the time?

I think you're probably hurt because Doug isn't "satisfied" with you, because it sounds as if you'd be perfectly content with him and him alone. This is not an easy situation for you. Doug may not be ready to settle down -- there's no certain age when someone is ready -- but in any case, even when he does settle down he may prefer an open relationship to monogamy. And it doesn't sound as if that's something you'd be into. That doesn't make you a prude or mean there's anything wrong with you. But you are being just a touch puritanical with your remarks about cruising and age.

I also have to say that you shouldn't settle for an open relationship if you're not comfortable with it -- and many aren't. The stereotype of gay men is that we're all "promiscuous" but the truth is that many gay men are quite conservative in that respect, and are much more interested in -- and happy being in -- monogamous relationships. But that doesn't mean that gay men who enjoy being sexually active with more than one partner should be castigated for their attitudes and activities, especially if they're responsible.

So the good news is that if Doug doesn't work out, you're bound to find plenty of gay men who want to settle down and snuggle with that one special person -- and no one else -- just like you do. Good luck!

Gay Dating Etiquette

I’m just out of the closet and not certain of proper gay etiquette. If another gay man asks me to his apartment should I assume he’s expecting sex? If a guy wants me to have dinner with him is that a date or just two friends going out? And how can you tell the difference? Anon.

The first thing you have to remember is that gay men are as capable of having strictly platonic friendships as straight men are. And every man is attracted to different types and individuals. If a man asks you to his apartment it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s expecting sex, but it depends on the circumstances. If you’re in a bar and the guy is giving you signals that he’s attracted to you, then he’s probably inviting you home for a one-night-stand. This is true even if he says he’s asking you home for a "drink" or "coffee." Generally if the man is not interested in sex, he’ll make that clear somehow, saying something like "just to talk." (Although even in that situation a guy could always hit on you.) If you’re interested in talking but not in having sex, you can suggest that you go to a coffee shop instead of his apartment. If a man asks you what you like to do [in bed], he’s definitely after a sex hook up.

As for going out to dinner, that can be a romantic date or just two friends having dinner. Sometimes what begins as a platonic friendship can blossom into something more; the problem is when one individual wants to "upgrade" the relationship and the other one is happy just being friends.

In general, guys will give you signals that they’re"interested" in you in a more than platonic fashion. Some guys just come right out and say so. Others make passes or flirt (although flirting is not always a sign of sexual attraction or at least an interest in hooking up). Some guys are very good at hiding their feelings – they’re not sure of how you feel about them – and then spring it at you unexpectedly. But in most cases there will be clear signs that a man is interested in you romantically and/or sexually (and the two don’t always go together).

Admittedly, when it comes to gay men, our sexuality is a factor that straight guys don’t have to think about when it comes to male-male friendships. But it’s also true that most gay men have loving, close friendships with other men that are not "encumbered" with a romantic or sexual factor. Two guys who are just there for each other, which is the whole point of friendship.

And then there are "fuck buddies" – what straight people call "friends with benefits" – friends who on occasion have sex without romantic complications. But I’ll save a discussion of that for another post.

Hi Doctor? What health hazard is there in sucking a penis which has STD? thanks

The health hazard is that you can get whatever disease your sex partner is infected with. I assume you are talking about performing fellatio on someone who has an STD [sexually-transmitted disease] that particularly affects the penis, such as gonorrhea, which causes a discharge from the penis. Gonorrhea and chlamydia can cause infection in your throat if your partner is infected; there may not always be symptoms or they may seem like something else. There have been conflicting and confusing reports on the possibility of acquiring HIV through performing fellatio on a man who has the virus. There have been some reported cases, but there is always the possibility that some men did not want to admit they'd been the "bottom" in anal sex. Unprotected anal intercourse is still overwhelmingly the main way gay men get HIV. (Although rare, "tops" can also get HIV if they have sex with an infected person and don't use a condom.)

Don't panic. If you know that you've had sex with a person who has an STD go to a health clinic where your anonymity will be respected, and get tested. Most STDs can be easily treated with antibiotics and you'll be fine, and can't pass along an STD to anyone else. Even HIV, although not curable as such, can be treated.

Don't delay. You'll be okay. You may not have caught anything but if you have, getting tested for an STD is the smartest thing you can do.

Let me know if you have any more questions.

Casual versus Anonymous

You recently answered a question about casual sex. Isn't it true that casual sex and anonymous sex are not the same thing? K.

Good point. When we refer to casual sex we are generally talking about sex between two people who don't know each other very well and who are probably not in love and may not even be romantically involved -- but they can be. They have made no commitment to one another. They may or may not be dating. They may have had sex at the end of a first date. They may have met at a bar, conversed, made out, then gone home for sex. But they introduce themselves to one another. Even when people meet online and hook up strictly for sex, they generally exchange names (but not always -- and sometimes the names are not real.)

Anonymous sex, especially if we're talking about certain kinds of homosexual men, is when you don't have a conversation or introduce yourself -- there really is total anonymity. You may not even get a good look at the other person. This kind of sex takes place in the darkened rows of porn movie houses, in outdoor cruise spots generally in wooded areas, men's rooms, truck stops, alley ways. I suppose it's possible for a man to have anonymous sex and run into a sex partner in the daylight and not know who he is.

May I say, without sounding too judgmental (why everyone knows Dr. Bill is never judgmental, LOL), that anonymous sex is kind of pre-Stonewall in my opinion. I won't say that everyone who practices it is an ashamed closet queen -- sometimes it just horny guys wanting a quick fix -- but its practitioners do tend to be the kind who like to stay in the figurative and literal shadows. Many of the husbands and daddies who want sex with other guys are into anonymous sex. They have no gay identity or pride whatsoever.

There was a time when it was thought by many people that anonymous sex was all that gay men were capable of, that they couldn't make commitments or fall in love. That, of course, has always been nonsense, as there have been long-term relationships in the gay male (and lesbian) communities for decades. I would dare say that most anonymous sex isn't even practiced by "gay" men, but but bi/homosexual men who think of themselves as being "straight." (Larry Craig, caught in the men's room, is a good example of this.)

Lastly, I think most genuinely straight guys would love it if they could get more anonymous sex (with women). No wining and dining and talking about feelings and that sort of thing, ha!

Casual Sex and "Straight-Acting" Gays?

Is there anything really wrong with anonymous sex, or casual sex, or one-night-stands if you're responsible, stick to safe sex, use condoms and so on? Nowadays it seems as if the only "good" gays are those who want to mimic straights, get married, raise kids, and live in blessed monogamy for the rest of their lives. How dull! What's the point in being gay? Tod.

LOL, maybe you've got a point there. But at the same time it's a little more complicated than that.

First of all, of course there's nothing wrong with casual sex if the parties involved are responsible, use condoms, are tested for STDs regularly (condoms don't prevent everything) etc.

And I, too, have been bothered by the notion that some people won't accept gays unless we all pair up, get married, raise kids, and live in the suburbs in a house with the proverbial white picket fence. We all have to be thuddingly "normal" or else.

As I've said over and over again, we are a very diverse community. Everyone should feel free to live the way they want to live, whether that means lots of anonymous sex or a lifetime partnership -- house, kids, suburbs, neighbors -- be it monogamous or not.

[I confess I've never had the slightest interest in either having or raising children. There is nothing remotely "middle-class" or "suburban" about me. I acknowledge that it's neither fair nor accurate for me to say that picking out houses, furniture, china patterns, and wallpaper for the baby's room are strictly heterosexual activities, but frankly, they'll always seem that way to me. I'm happy being gay. I don't want to be an imitation straight person.]

Two quick points. I do think that some people who indulge only in anonymous sex and never consider the possibility of a relationship should ask themselves why. It doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with them -- some people just aren't into relationships. But in some cases the inability to form a relationship with someone can mean a person is on some level uncomfortable with their orientation. You can be anonymous if you stick to anonymous sex -- but it's harder to be anonymous -- in the closet -- if you have a same-sex lover. Sure, quickies can be a lot of fun and provide much satisfaction on a certain level, but they're not the whole story. Some people who are just into quick sex are avoiding the reality that being gay is more than just about sex.

But be assured that I personally have nothing against one-night-stands. I've never been a particular fan of monogamy either, although I respect those who wish to be monogamous.

But that's a subject for another post.

The second point is that it is in a way ridiculous to suggest that gays who are monogamous are acting straight when we all know that very few straight couples are strictly monogamous. And many of the spouses in so-called straight marriages aren't even straight.

In fact, many a father and husband is -- you guessed it -- out there having anonymous sex with guys like you.

Bar Alternatives

Hello, It has occurred to me that there are limited networking options for gay men who have outgrown going out and getting wasted every weekend. Most networking sites seem to cater for those with a ‘party lifestyle’. Not that I have anything against either drugs or partying, but I feel the offering is somewhat one-sided. Which is why I have set up a new social networking site: www.overthescene.com. Because it has just launched, the amount of members and content is still small. But I plan to post new topics for discussion every day and hope that more and more people will join and do the same! If you like the idea, maybe you can write about it on your blog, or we can exchange links? Bas

While I have not outgrown going out now and then and getting -- well, I wouldn't exactly say I get wasted but I've never been a teetotaler (I do have something against drugs but not necessarily alcohol in moderation) -- I understand that many gay men are not only not into that scene, but find it difficult to make friends and form relationships in bars. So I'm happy to mention your new site (which, unfortunately for New Yorker me, is based in the UK), and wish you a lot of luck with it.

In general, people can find sex and "bar friends" in bars and that's it. Bar friends are people you may have known for many years, but while you pick up things about them over time, you never really know them all that well. You may never learn their last name (or remember it), you probably don't exchange phone numbers or arrange to meet outside the bar. You're acquaintances rather than friends, although sometimes you can develop a real affection and even a closeness for bar friends.

There are exceptions. I have met people in bars who have turned into real genuine friends that I talk to and see outside of the bar. I know people who have met their future partners at a bar. But generally ...?

Still, bars are fun for those who enjoy the scene. And they're fine for casual sex (although you should never get so drunk that you forget to or cannot use a condom). In my experience -- although even here there are exceptions -- if you go out looking to get lucky you'll just have a good time. If you go out just to have a good time, you'll probably get lucky. But who knows?

Me, I hope I never outgrow the bar scene or my love of partying, but I'm glad that alternatives are developing for those who want and need them.