Casual versus Anonymous

I came across a post where you answered a question about casual sex. Isn't it true that casual sex and anonymous sex are not the same thing? 

Absolutely true. Casual sex is a one night stand, a bar pick-up, or it can refer to sleeping with a person you are acquainted with, maybe even friends with [a fuck buddy, or as straight people say "friends with benefits"], but aren't in love with. There's no romance, no angst, no jealousy, none of the tortured, joyous emotions of a full-fledged love affair. Just good, clean sex.

Anonymous sex, on the other hand, is where you not only never get to know the person with whom you are having sex, you may not even get to see what they look like, and there's definitely little, if any, conversation. This is --in my opinion -- old-fashioned sex, more prevalent in the days before Stonewall, where gay men would meet anonymously in dark parks, men's rooms ["tea rooms"], movie theaters, and other trysting places where there was not only no wining and dining or cruising before sex, there was no anything -- the two would just get right at it for instant gratification.

Before AIDS, there were many darkened back room bars where anonymous sex would go on. Men would follow a guy they saw and liked in the [brighter] front room of the bar and hope that if they hooked up with him in the back room they were getting the right guy! But with all those bodies, and shadows, who knows?

Frankly, in my opinion, sex is a much more satisfying experience in a bed and after getting to know someone even a little bit. Still there are people -- gay and straight -- who like the no-frills action and slight edge of danger to anonymous, often public sexual encounters.

Casual versus Anonymous

You recently answered a question about casual sex. Isn't it true that casual sex and anonymous sex are not the same thing? K.

Good point. When we refer to casual sex we are generally talking about sex between two people who don't know each other very well and who are probably not in love and may not even be romantically involved -- but they can be. They have made no commitment to one another. They may or may not be dating. They may have had sex at the end of a first date. They may have met at a bar, conversed, made out, then gone home for sex. But they introduce themselves to one another. Even when people meet online and hook up strictly for sex, they generally exchange names (but not always -- and sometimes the names are not real.)

Anonymous sex, especially if we're talking about certain kinds of homosexual men, is when you don't have a conversation or introduce yourself -- there really is total anonymity. You may not even get a good look at the other person. This kind of sex takes place in the darkened rows of porn movie houses, in outdoor cruise spots generally in wooded areas, men's rooms, truck stops, alley ways. I suppose it's possible for a man to have anonymous sex and run into a sex partner in the daylight and not know who he is.

May I say, without sounding too judgmental (why everyone knows Dr. Bill is never judgmental, LOL), that anonymous sex is kind of pre-Stonewall in my opinion. I won't say that everyone who practices it is an ashamed closet queen -- sometimes it just horny guys wanting a quick fix -- but its practitioners do tend to be the kind who like to stay in the figurative and literal shadows. Many of the husbands and daddies who want sex with other guys are into anonymous sex. They have no gay identity or pride whatsoever.

There was a time when it was thought by many people that anonymous sex was all that gay men were capable of, that they couldn't make commitments or fall in love. That, of course, has always been nonsense, as there have been long-term relationships in the gay male (and lesbian) communities for decades. I would dare say that most anonymous sex isn't even practiced by "gay" men, but but bi/homosexual men who think of themselves as being "straight." (Larry Craig, caught in the men's room, is a good example of this.)

Lastly, I think most genuinely straight guys would love it if they could get more anonymous sex (with women). No wining and dining and talking about feelings and that sort of thing, ha!

Casual Sex and "Straight-Acting" Gays?

Is there anything really wrong with anonymous sex, or casual sex, or one-night-stands if you're responsible, stick to safe sex, use condoms and so on? Nowadays it seems as if the only "good" gays are those who want to mimic straights, get married, raise kids, and live in blessed monogamy for the rest of their lives. How dull! What's the point in being gay? Tod.

LOL, maybe you've got a point there. But at the same time it's a little more complicated than that.

First of all, of course there's nothing wrong with casual sex if the parties involved are responsible, use condoms, are tested for STDs regularly (condoms don't prevent everything) etc.

And I, too, have been bothered by the notion that some people won't accept gays unless we all pair up, get married, raise kids, and live in the suburbs in a house with the proverbial white picket fence. We all have to be thuddingly "normal" or else.

As I've said over and over again, we are a very diverse community. Everyone should feel free to live the way they want to live, whether that means lots of anonymous sex or a lifetime partnership -- house, kids, suburbs, neighbors -- be it monogamous or not.

[I confess I've never had the slightest interest in either having or raising children. There is nothing remotely "middle-class" or "suburban" about me. I acknowledge that it's neither fair nor accurate for me to say that picking out houses, furniture, china patterns, and wallpaper for the baby's room are strictly heterosexual activities, but frankly, they'll always seem that way to me. I'm happy being gay. I don't want to be an imitation straight person.]

Two quick points. I do think that some people who indulge only in anonymous sex and never consider the possibility of a relationship should ask themselves why. It doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with them -- some people just aren't into relationships. But in some cases the inability to form a relationship with someone can mean a person is on some level uncomfortable with their orientation. You can be anonymous if you stick to anonymous sex -- but it's harder to be anonymous -- in the closet -- if you have a same-sex lover. Sure, quickies can be a lot of fun and provide much satisfaction on a certain level, but they're not the whole story. Some people who are just into quick sex are avoiding the reality that being gay is more than just about sex.

But be assured that I personally have nothing against one-night-stands. I've never been a particular fan of monogamy either, although I respect those who wish to be monogamous.

But that's a subject for another post.

The second point is that it is in a way ridiculous to suggest that gays who are monogamous are acting straight when we all know that very few straight couples are strictly monogamous. And many of the spouses in so-called straight marriages aren't even straight.

In fact, many a father and husband is -- you guessed it -- out there having anonymous sex with guys like you.