Bed-Hopping at Any Age

I am casually dating a man who, like me, is in his late forties. "Doug" is always attentive to me when we go out, but he has admitted that he cruises quite a bit and is quite sexually active. We stick to safe sex and he says he does the same with his tricks. But why is a man of his age still cruising instead of settling down? Is this a kind of sickness that some guys need to go to bed with as many men as possible? I'd love to hear what you think about this.

You're gonna hear it, all right. Being sexually active and enjoying a healthy sex life and a variety of interesting sex partners -- at any age -- is not a "sickness." Different strokes for different folks, to coin a cliche. You wouldn't like it if Doug suggested that you were sexually repressed or had something wrong with you simply because [I assume] you only sleep with the man you're currently dating. May I make it clear that there's a big difference between someone who enjoys a healthy sex life -- especially if he sticks to safe sex -- and a "sex addict" who sleeps with people, even people he finds repulsive, compulsively. Doug may not "need to go to bed with as many men as possible" -- he may just have a strong sex drive, be attractive to many men, and enjoy hitting the sheets when he feels like it. What's wrong with that?

In my opinion it has little to do with sex or sexual orientation but some people are the monogamous type and some are not. The trouble starts when the two types become partners and the friction isn't limited to the bedroom. In this case, it's not what Doug is doing, but the fact that it's Doug who's doing it. Someone you obviously care for and want to settle down with. But first, there's something else that needs to be said. And that is that a man in his late forties like Doug is not exactly over the hill. I have met sexually active men who are a couple of decades older than that. And still going strong. Good for him!

Conventional thinking on this subject suggests that some middle-aged gay men seek lots of sex partners because they have a sense of time running out, that they fear the day when they will no longer be able to attract anyone. [And don't think that straight men don't fear getting older, too, and for this same reason.] There may be truth to this, but we have to go one step beyond the conventional thinking. Why should someone who enjoys good sex and physical closeness with another person give it up just because they reach a certain age? If "Doug" has no partner should he stick to five finger exercise all the time?

I think you're probably hurt because Doug isn't "satisfied" with you, because it sounds as if you'd be perfectly content with him and him alone. This is not an easy situation for you. Doug may not be ready to settle down -- there's no certain age when someone is ready -- but in any case, even when he does settle down he may prefer an open relationship to monogamy. And it doesn't sound as if that's something you'd be into. That doesn't make you a prude or mean there's anything wrong with you. But you are being just a touch puritanical with your remarks about cruising and age.

I also have to say that you shouldn't settle for an open relationship if you're not comfortable with it -- and many aren't. The stereotype of gay men is that we're all "promiscuous" but the truth is that many gay men are quite conservative in that respect, and are much more interested in -- and happy being in -- monogamous relationships. But that doesn't mean that gay men who enjoy being sexually active with more than one partner should be castigated for their attitudes and activities, especially if they're responsible.

So the good news is that if Doug doesn't work out, you're bound to find plenty of gay men who want to settle down and snuggle with that one special person -- and no one else -- just like you do. Good luck!

A Question of Monogamy -- and More

You've had some posts about casual sex and promiscuity and they've bothered me. If the gay community is going to find acceptance, it had better clean up its act. I'm a gay man, but I'm not a pig. Let's face it, if gay men are filthy and spread diseases, who can they blame but each other? It's not straight people giving them AIDS. Why can't gays be monogamous and then their image will improve? Anon.

Their image, huh? Your question bothers me on so many different levels that I'm not certain where to begin, but here are some points to consider.

A.) You are part of the gay community. It's not You versus Them. And you are hardly the only gay man who believes in monogamy. Look at all the couples lining up to get married. I'd bet most of them intend to have a strictly monogamous relationship. Get past the stereotypes.

B.) AIDS/HIV affects heterosexuals as well as homosexuals. It is not a "gay" disease. Let the homophobes call it that -- you certainly shouldn't.

C.) You reveal a fair amount of self-hatred when you talk about "pigs" and gay men are "filthy." To be blunt, have you not been getting any lately? This is the kind of talk I often hear from gay men who have no love or sex lives and are, frankly, jealous of those who do. Sorry to be so blunt with you but this has to be addressed. (More on this in a future post).

D.) Whether to be monogamous and faithful or have an open relationship is a personal choice made by the two parties involved. One person -- and this is equally true in straight relationships -- may prefer a monogamous relationship and the other one does not. This leads to problems when the latter partner, gay or straight, is unfaithful. But this happens in many relationships regardless of the orientation of the individuals involved.

E.) There is a big difference between a man who is sexually active but responsible, who practices safe sex, and one who is unsafe and irresponsible. This is true of straight people as well as gay. Being sexually active does not necessarily add up to being "promiscuous," or a "sex addict" or someone who sleeps with anything that moves and is irresponsible in their sexual practices and choices. Not everyone wants to be monogamous, and I see no reason why all gay men should do so just to supposedly be accepted by a society that will hate them anyway whether they have sex with one man or many men. It is foolish to believe that if all gay people got married, adopted children, and lived monogamous relationships in the suburbs that we would find instant acceptance. Some people hate us for who we love and who we have sex with, and being "monogamous" would not change that. (And who on Earth says that all straight couples are monogamous? What a joke!)

F.) There's more to be said on this whole matter, but I'll save it for future posts.

Casual versus Anonymous

You recently answered a question about casual sex. Isn't it true that casual sex and anonymous sex are not the same thing? K.

Good point. When we refer to casual sex we are generally talking about sex between two people who don't know each other very well and who are probably not in love and may not even be romantically involved -- but they can be. They have made no commitment to one another. They may or may not be dating. They may have had sex at the end of a first date. They may have met at a bar, conversed, made out, then gone home for sex. But they introduce themselves to one another. Even when people meet online and hook up strictly for sex, they generally exchange names (but not always -- and sometimes the names are not real.)

Anonymous sex, especially if we're talking about certain kinds of homosexual men, is when you don't have a conversation or introduce yourself -- there really is total anonymity. You may not even get a good look at the other person. This kind of sex takes place in the darkened rows of porn movie houses, in outdoor cruise spots generally in wooded areas, men's rooms, truck stops, alley ways. I suppose it's possible for a man to have anonymous sex and run into a sex partner in the daylight and not know who he is.

May I say, without sounding too judgmental (why everyone knows Dr. Bill is never judgmental, LOL), that anonymous sex is kind of pre-Stonewall in my opinion. I won't say that everyone who practices it is an ashamed closet queen -- sometimes it just horny guys wanting a quick fix -- but its practitioners do tend to be the kind who like to stay in the figurative and literal shadows. Many of the husbands and daddies who want sex with other guys are into anonymous sex. They have no gay identity or pride whatsoever.

There was a time when it was thought by many people that anonymous sex was all that gay men were capable of, that they couldn't make commitments or fall in love. That, of course, has always been nonsense, as there have been long-term relationships in the gay male (and lesbian) communities for decades. I would dare say that most anonymous sex isn't even practiced by "gay" men, but but bi/homosexual men who think of themselves as being "straight." (Larry Craig, caught in the men's room, is a good example of this.)

Lastly, I think most genuinely straight guys would love it if they could get more anonymous sex (with women). No wining and dining and talking about feelings and that sort of thing, ha!