Staying Friends with a Lover

Hi Bill,

I am 51, male and always knew I had an attraction to males.   Never had any relationship.  Just some encounters, all the time also trying to convince myself I was into girls as well.   I met a guy who manages a house next to mine and we became friends.  I eventually initiated sexual activity with him and he gladly accepted.  we became emotionally close.  He eventually has the maturity to talk to me to let me know he was feeling too attached to me and we had to stop having any sexual relations.  He felt constrained and was afraid of any relationship.  We agreed but kept on having the odd sexual romp.  We have said a few times now that we will not carry on but then we do.  Now, the last time we REALLY decided we would stop.   He has had other encounters during the time we had been testing these waters (8 months).  He says he does NOT want any relationship and I believe him but am having a very difficult time letting go and just being friends.  I am feeling that I might love and be In love with him but not sure.  How do I let it go while keeping my sanity and not driving him away from being a good friend?? Never had any gay relationships before and have failed at all female ones and so I am feeling that I will never find IT.  Can you advise??

Thanks,

My advice is to forget about this guy -- as difficult as that sounds -- and find someone who feels the same about you as you do about him. Not always easy, I know, but it is very, very difficult to be mere "friends" with someone you may be in love with, all the while hanging out with him and hoping things -- or his attitude towards you -- will change. If he's just a fuck buddy -- a friend you have sex with on occasion -- and not someone you have romantic feelings for, that's one thing, but if your heart is caught up with the sex and friendship, it's a different story.

51 is not old. [Hell, I know guys in their seventies who are still cruising, dating, and getting laid!]. Join some gay dating sites like silver daddies or bearwww and you'll find lots of perfectly nice and attractive fellows who are looking for love, sex or both. [Some of these guys are Out and Proud, and others are discreet and closeted.]

I know -- believe me, I know -- how difficult it is to get hung up on a certain fellow, but it's better to be happier with someone new than miserable and uncertain with someone who, ultimately, may not be right for you or vice versa. Take heart -- I know a guy who only just came out of the closet [after being married for decades] and within a couple of months he had a boyfriend!

You never know!

Boyfriend Marries Woman

Hello Dr. Bill,

The last few days have been extremely traumatic for me - I am Asian and my ex-partner is too. We met 5 years ago and from the first minute we both just clicked and knew we were made for each other. At that time we were in India and due to the circumstances prevalent there, we both felt it would be better if we moved into a society which was more accepting of gays and where we could be anonymous. Subsequently within a few months he got the chance to study in the UK for a year and we planned that when he graduated and got a job I would come over and join him. Even a year of a long distance relationship did not put a damper on our love - I came over to the UK and we started living together.

I got a job as well and slowly our standard of living improved and all seemed set for us. Yes we were extremely passionate and occasional fights would get very 'hot' and bitter - but we never let it slip out of hand. We even came out to our families and professed love for each other. A few months ago after a fight he tells me he is engaged to a girl in India in an arranged marriage and their wedding has been fixed for August. I was truly perplexed and even after him telling me all this I kept living with him. Till the last day before he was to catch his flight I pleaded with him to not do it - he said he knew it was a mistake but he desperately wanted kids, plus he says our fights used to leave him so shaken that although he loves me he could not live with me any more, it was too late to go back now. He even says he is open to continuing the relationship after his marriage !! He is now probably married and I feel lost and abandoned in a foreign country - my emotions oscillate between anger and a desire to cling to the hope that he may see the light and come back to me.... I know that I will never be a 'side-show' for him - for now I am not even keen on casual sex. I love my man and want him back - Just need advise on what to do..... Take care and thanks.

It's very important for you not to feel despair even during this very upsetting [to put it mildly] situation.

If you are somehow in touch with your lover, there are a couple of points you can make. The first is about children. Gay men do not have to marry women to have children anymore. Many gay couples adopt children, and some hire surrogates [or a female friend] to give birth to children that they, the gay couple, can raise. This has become very commonplace. The second point is that if your temper or temperament is an issue, you can assure your lover that you'll do something about it, and get counseling or therapy to keep your anger in control.

You said you both came out to your families, and you also said that he told you about this arranged marriage after the two of you had a big fight. There are two possibilities. The "arranged marriage" is not real and your lover only said it to hurt you because he was angry, or the marriage is real, and it was forced upon your lover by his parents, who may not have been happy when he told them he was gay.

In either case, you can hope that he will come back to you after a suitable cooling off period, or if he realizes that his marriage was a total mistake.

You may not be in the mood for casual sex, but you still have to get out there, meet people, date other guys. The alternative is to sit around brooding and feeling terrible, and worse, you'll have no support network to help you. If there are any gay centers or bars in your area, you may find friends or at least acquaintances, some of whom may have had similar experiences.

It is also possible that while you may be comfortable with your sexuality, your boyfriend is not. In that case, whatever your feelings for each other, he would not have made a reliable or supportive life partner. He is also showing insensitivity by suggesting that the two of you continue your relationship after he has become married to someone else! [You're not the only gay man to be put in this situation. My advice in these cases is to say you want it "all or nothing at all." It may be tempting to take him back on a part-time or halfway basis, but why should you share someone, especially someone who has the bad taste to enter into a phony straight relationship?]

Maybe this guy will see the error of his ways, but don't sit around and wait for him to do so. I know you're upset and heart-broken right now, but you may find if you go out and meet new men, the right man may be out there waiting for you.

Good Luck! Let me know if I can be of any further help.

Pseudo-Bi Boyfriend?

I'm a gay man in his twenties. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 months. He says he is bisexual, but he also says that he is much, much more attracted to men than to women. On the other hand, when we are in a gay bar and he sees an attractive woman he will make remarks to me about how hot she is. It doesn't bother me -- or maybe it does -- because it always seems that he's putting on an act. Would you say he's gay or bi? D

I think you've answered your own question. It's my belief [although I know others disagree] that if a person is overwhelmingly attracted to their own sex and only just a smidgen attracted to the opposite sex, then they are gay, not bi.

It's interesting that you've picked up that your guy may be putting on an act when he acts all "bi" in a gay bar. It seems to me that a genuinely bisexual guy wouldn't have to put on an act or childishly talk about how "hot" some gal was -- in a gay bar with his lover no less.

Some guys just have a need to keep some kind of "attachment" to the straight world. Once they come out as totally gay, they feel, there's no going back. He may also do it because he thinks it annoys you. In other words, he has issues. Some gay men identify as bi out of internalized homophobia, a failure to completely accept that they are gay and that it's okay to be gay. Maybe he has a need to feel "superior" or butcher" or have a more "macho" image, and this is what the "I Like and Fuck Women" attitude provides.

Give him a year or two. He may realize that he's just as gay as you are -- and like it!

Boyfriend is Drag Queen?

Well you probably don't remember but I contacted you earlier with some trouble about my boyfriend (a self-hating Christian); things are going well now -- I took your advice, so I talked to a friend who was also Christian, and he did help, but things sort of took a weird twist, and by weird I mean WEIRD. Well I didn't say before but he is very effeminate-looking, and from time to time he likes cross-dressing, I enjoy when he does this and help with his makeup and stuff; it's fun and I like the way he looks. At first it was just something we did behind closed doors you know, alone, but eventually a friend of ours walked in on him in a skirt. She didn't react negatively, in fact she kind of encouraged him, to the point of convincing him to take a couple of pictures posing like this. She says that they we're just for practice since she enjoys photography but, judging by how she is, those pictures might already have found their way onto the web. I was worried, but he was joyous, and aroused, and after some time in bed I forgot my worries until a bit later. A few days later I caught this friend and my boyfriend in the street, only he was wearing a skirt, a top and a small sweater. I freaked out since it wouldn't be nice if he stumbled into one of his friends that recognized him, or even worse, his parents, cos' if being gay wasn't enough I bet cross dressing will surely give his father a heart attack. I warned him but our friend simply said they were having fun; I usually could convince him but with our friend's support they convinced me to accompany them. I just looked around for someone we knew and nervously went around for the rest of the day. It was not fun and after we went back to his house I tried to talk him out of this, and just like the time of the photo shoot he used the one kind of argument I can't resist.

Now this wasn't long ago, and it's still going on, and I can't talk to him because we are either with company I can't discuss this in front of, or with our friend who somehow always manages to out talk me or alone where he can out tongue me... so he's pretty much got me on a short leash on this. I keep trying time after time to convince him but I can't and I know that doing this will eventually land him into trouble, bad trouble. I mean I haven't been around most of the time he does this but I've seen him getting complimented and flirted with, and this makes me jealous, and I have bounced a couple of guys but apparently when it's just him and our friend he does flirt with them, and this also makes me mad. I need to talk to him, but I don't really know how to proceed... by the next time I see him I very much need to snap him out of this mad stuff!

Final note: I talked this over with one of my more mature and smart friends, he said something that seemed very interesting, that he may do this in order to attract attention from men -- is this logical? Why do you think he does this?

Well, my best guess is he does this because he's a drag queen -- a gay man who's also a transvestite [someone who gets off on wearing women's clothing and/or in having a female persona.] Some drag queens feel a need to live most of their lives -- at least [in their opinion] their real lives -- as women. They are not transsexuals, as such [perhaps some are], but they do have a strong female identification.

I'm not entirely certain why this troubles you so much since you have no problem with him being effeminate. Of course, there's a big difference between a kind of "girlish" guy and a drag queen. Do you guys live in a small town? Are you afraid he (or both of you) might be gay-bashed [a problem he might face even when he's not in drag, as you say he's somewhat obviously gay]? Until both of you are comfortable with his cross-dressing, it might be better for him to do it at home or only in gay clubs. [Not bear or leather bars, however, LOL.]

If he's a bonafide, genuine transvestite, he can't help his feelings, and he shouldn't be ashamed of it, and don't help him feel ashamed. I mean, you say he's feeling better about being gay -- it sounds like he's anxious to smash the closet door right off of its hinges -- so don't turn around and give him a complex about being a cross-dresser!

Some gay men, after they come out, especially the more stereotypical members of our community, want everyone to know and go about it in the most flamboyant way possible, and I suppose this whole cross-dressing thing might just be a "gay" act he's putting on, trying to be as wild and "out" as he can be. It probably amuses him that it freaks you out.

On the other hand, he might be a legitimate "TV." A Christian drag queen? Why not? You can either deal with it or you can't.

As for wanting to attract attention from men? Well, most gay men are turned on by masculinity, not by guys in dresses, but there are exceptions. If for some bizarre and pointless reason he's trying to turn on straight guys, he's just asking for trouble, especially if he's convincing enough to pass for a "real" woman. Nothing gets a homophobic straight guy angrier than being turned on/flirted with by a woman who turns out to be a guy.

I suggest you sit down and talk with him and find out just how far he's into the drag scene, and how far into it he wants to go. Does he eventually want to live most of the time in female drag and with a female name and persona? The vast majority of gay men have absolutely no interest in dressing up in drag, but those who do really dive into it and some never come up for air. This just may be a phase for your boyfriend or it may be the real deal.

It doesn't make you a bigot if the drag thing becomes a turn off for you, but it may mean that this guy just ain't the right guy for you after all. But remember, there's nothing really wrong in being a transvestite or drag queen.

Self-Hating Lover

SO, phew, where to start, I'm currently in a relationship with my, might I add, very cute boyfriend. We're both young (don't worry we're 18) and nearly out, not all of our friends know about this, not even family, but we love each other very much. But not all is happy -- first of all because of his christian upbringing, he is very ashamed of his orientation, making it even more difficult for him to come out to his parents and the rest of the world, besides really close friends. And that's the first issue, the bigger problem is that in the several months that we have been in a relationship we have only had sex once, he has given no explanations why, and every time we get to making out and are about to go all the way he flinches, which is odd -- the only time we did it he was even more into it than I was! How could he have changed so badly?... I mean, we're very close in every other respect and from time to time he gets really hot and jumps at me to make out, but when it goes to the next level, he simply stops; when I ask why he does that he gives no explanation, besides saying "I just don't feel like it."

Now everybody has urges, and while I don't know how he deals with his I just can't deal with mine, I mean I'm only getting worked up but can't get any real action, and its killing me! I've asked what's wrong and I don't get a conclusive answer; I talked about this to the guy that is his closest friend, and he said that he had only heard good things about our relationship from him, so I'm stumped; I honestly don't know what's wrong! and I can't stand it!

In a fit of desperation I told him that I couldn't stay loyal to him if I didn't get any action; he had a sudden expression of sadness or something, and he gave the classic response that I couldn't really mean it. Ok, I must admit I almost cheated on him in the past, but I did not go through [with it], because I love him, and I feel like a complete ass. I haven't seen him since, but I'm very sad for having said that -- that was only said by my libido. But I can't deny there is something in it too. I mean, I'm not a bad person or anything but if things don't work in bed well... but even though I love him very much, I don't want to say something I'll regret along the way. Why do you think my boyfriend acts like this? Is what I did terrible? Or is it a bit rational? WHAT SHOULD I DO!

To be blunt, I would get a new boyfriend. But wait -- there's also a less drastic solution.

You already know what this guy's problem is. You stated it in your first paragraph. He's full of self-hatred due to his religious upbringing [and probably other reasons]. The reason he won't have sex with you is that -- even though he's attracted to you and other men -- he's ashamed of his homosexual feelings. That's why he keeps pulling away. He wants to make love to you because he's attracted to you but then his shame and guilt get in the way and he backs off. That's the only reason the two of you have had only one sexual encounter in all the months you've been together. [He may also have a fear of HIV/AIDS, so even if you're negative always stick to safe sex.] He also may have other hang-ups you don't even know about.

Sex may not be the only thing that matters in a relationship, but it is an important part of a relationship, and you have a right to expect that your lover will want to make love to you on a regular basis.

I realize that you love the guy, but it really doesn't sound like he's at all ready to make a serious commitment to another man. You must suggest -- even demand it if you have to -- that he go for counseling, possibly even therapy. If there are any gay centers or groups in your community, find out if they offer free counseling to troubled, conflicted gay men, and believe me, your boyfriend is one troubled and conflicted fellow.

Until he's comfortable with himself and his sexuality, he won't make much of a lover either in or out of the bedroom -- but I suspect you already know this. It's just that he's cute and you care for him a lot. But he needs help.

If you can't see yourself breaking up with him [and you should certainly threaten to do that or consider doing it if he refuses to get help] at least insist that you want an open relationship -- the two of you remain a couple but can have [safe] sex with others -- because you have a right to satisfy your sexual urges.

This may have a happy ending. But if being with you and his other gay friends hasn't convinced this guy that it's okay to be gay, he needs to get counseling or see a gay-friendly therapist who will help him accept his orientation. He also needs to know that not all Christians or religions are homophobic or see homosexuality as an evil perversion. Find a gay or gay-friendly church in your neighborhood for a start. If we meets other Christians who are okay with being gay, it might help him on his long road toward self-acceptance. [You can read more about internalized homophobia and gay self-hatred here.]

Let me know how it goes.

Consolation Sex and the Guy You Can't Get Over

Now what do you think of this, doc? Some time ago I ended a friendship with a dear friend because I realized that I was falling for him and he made it clear -- after much hemming and hawing -- that he did not feel the same. He did not want to lose my friendship -- neither did I -- but I explained to him that it would be painful for me to be around him, especially as he had recently taken up with another man. [Let me make it clear that I had been under the impression -- as all of our mutual friends were -- that J. and I were in a relationship, but apparently that never occurred to J. We were intimate, hung out together all the time, but he just didn't feel that special something that I did. That's life. Regretfully, I moved on.]

Okay. Months went by. I avoided J, who worked in a bar I had frequented. One evening, at another place, I ran into my "replacement" -- J's new fuck buddy. We fell into conversation and had many drinks together. Apparently, R -- the replacement -- had also come to the same conclusion that I had. That J. was great, but that all R was to him was a "friend with benefits," that J. was no more interested in a relationship with him than he was with me.

One thing led to another and the two of us went to his place and had sex. Who shows up the next morning but J -- he and R were still friends, unlike J and me -- and he actually got angry that the two of us had slept together. He acted as if he had been betrayed. He has made no commitment to us, and while R and I definitely think the other is attractive, what we had was just some nice consolation sex, probably never to be repeated. Our bond was J, pure and simple.

So, what's going on here? The three of us argued and talked for an hour and got nowhere. It is clear that J. doesn't really want either of us for a lover. So why does he give a damn that we slept together? Could you shed any light on this? T.

I'll try. Maybe because he was left out of the fun and didn't get laid the night before like you two did?

Seriously, his actions may not be rational, but they are understandable. You were someone he may not have seen as "the one," but nevertheless he enjoyed having you as a friend [with benefits]. You ended the friendship -- wisely, I feel -- but he still feels rejected. [Ironic, I know, since you ended the friendship because of his rejection of your romantic feelings.] Now he sees the pattern happening all over again -- R will probably have to end the friendship just as you did -- and he sees the two of you drawing closer while he feels left out. We all need friendships, just as we need special relationships, and we especially need friendships when we have no special relationship.

Now I'm going to assume that you're correct that J just wants both you and R as friends or fuck buddies and nothing more. Still, he misses the times you and he hung out together and may have been trying to recreate them with R. Now R has gone and fallen for him, too, and all J can see is that he's in danger of losing yet another good friend.

I've met guys like J. No doubt he's attractive, likable, charming. He hasn't met "the one" yet, or may not even be looking. [Not to give false hope, but it may not even be you or R who's the problem, but simply bad timing.] Yet there's something about him that makes most of his friends or fuck buddies fall a little in love with him. I've met guys like this who may not even be that handsome, but they are nice and fun and sympathetic, hopefully a little exciting as well, and people just wind up getting hung up on them.

You have to realize that, even if he's young, he may have been through this over and over again. You may not even have been the first friend who fell for him and then walked out of his life. He may not be hurting as much as you are, but he's hurting. And he may see the two of you sleeping together as a way of getting back at him ( which certainly may have been on R's mind) when he really did nothing wrong -- he just didn't return your more serious feelings.

And you and R -- if you're totally honest -- are probably still hoping that some day something more than friendship will develop with J. I can't blame either one of you for getting some consolation sex with one another [although I sense you're being accurate when you suggest it will go no further.]

That being said, J still can't tell either you or R who you can sleep with anymore than you can dictate his social or sex life to him.

I feel bad for all three of you, as I've been on both sides of the fence, and it's never easy. No harm was really done as far as you're concerned, as you'd already decided to move on and end the friendship with J out of necessity, although I understand you could have done without this misunderstanding. R, who may not have quite reached the point you have, is probably wishing he hadn't answered the door when J came a'callin'. [Wonder why he did?]

Yet there's hope for all of you. You and R have to remember that the next great -- and real -- romance might be just around the corner. J may be a special guy, but he's not the only special guy.

And maybe until he's ready to settle down or meets that certain someone, J should stick to being friends with couples.

Bare-Backing Lover

My lover and I have an open relationship but recently I learned to my GREAT distress that he has been bare-backing -- and he's a bottom. He doesn't seem to be possessed of the self-hatred that you've mentioned, but when it's so easy to have your sex partner slip on a condom ... I just can't understand his behavior. What can I do about this? Anon.

Frankly, I can't understand his behavior either. [For the record, bare-backing is engaging in anal sex without using a condom.] I know some tops complain that they don't like to wear condoms, that it interferes with the sensations that they feel [although in that case I would recommend experimenting with different types of condoms, and there are plenty] but it shouldn't make that much difference to a bottom (and again bottoms can also experiment with different types of condoms). Let me make it clear that unprotected anal sex is the absolutely riskiest behavior for gay men. While it is much, much riskier for bottoms, there have been documented cases of tops getting HIV because they didn't use a condom as well.

As for your lover's behavior, there are several explanations [besides the fact that he's being very stupid]. If he's very young, he may feel he's invincible and that bad things only happen to other people -- even though, to everyone else, he is "other people." It's possible his "extra-marital" relationships occur when he's under the influence of something, and he's careless. People who are sexually active should carry condoms at all times and be prepared for every circumstance. If your sex partner says he doesn't have a condom, pull one out of your pocket -- pronto. If he doesn't want to use it, say good-night -- no matter how hot he is. Some sexual experiences just aren't worth the danger.

HIV may not be the death sentence that it once was, but people should by no means take it casually. AIDS is still a serious medical condition that can impact a person's entire life. Simply being HIV positive, while nothing to despair over necessarily, can have a serious effect on a person's general health and social status. Too many people, of all races, genders and orientations, mistakenly believe that HIV/AIDS is "no big deal." You have to make sure that your lover is made aware of this by showing him this and other posts on the subject, nagging him until it finally sinks in. Not only is he risking his own health, but yours as well.

You and your partner need to get tested for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. Again, being HIV positive, even having AIDS, is not the end of the world, as there are treatments that can help patients lead a more or less normal life [although it must be said that not everyone responds to treatment, which is another reason to swear off bare-backing]. But the fact that AIDS may be more treatable than it once was, does not mean that it's nothing to worry about. And other STDs are on the rise.

As for self-hatred, I've no doubt that some people who indulge in risky behavior have serious emotional issues, but in your lover's case it may simply be carefree, foolish recklessness on his part. If drugs or alcohol are influencing his behavior, then those issues must be addressed as well. [Don't get so drunk or fucked up that you can't wear a condom or remember to insist that your sex partner put one on.]

I'm in favor of open relationships. But for them to work, both partners have to be responsible. Which means safe sex at all times -- no exceptions!

Nag your lover about this until it sinks in.

Inter-generational Relationships -- or Daddy and Son

How do you feel about inter-generational relationships in the gay community, I mean where one partner is old enough to be the other one's father? Can these work? Big Daddy.

Relationships where there is a very big difference in age, be they gay or straight, can work, but -- as with mixed marriages -- it all depends on what you mean by "working."

Generally mixed age relationships are all about meeting specific needs. The older person wants a young, attractive lover, or at the very least a companion. The younger person is generally -- let's be honest here -- looking for some kind of financial stability, or at least free rent. Often the younger person is an artist (or at least an aspiring artist) who has a very low income, or zero income. The older "patron" is a godsend. There are older men who are so lonely and/or desperate for someone to share their lives with that they will even take in and take care of a younger person with whom they don't even have sex.

The older person generally loves the younger one a lot more than the younger one loves the older one, although the younger one can -- in his or her own way -- come to care deeply about the older person, and become quite attached to them (or at least to what they can do for them).

Relationships like this can last for years and in that sense be very successful. But in the long run it's all about using each other. And there are unhealthy aspects to these relationships. Often the older person will fail to encourage the younger one to get out there and deal with life, get a job, etc. because they're afraid that if the younger one becomes independent and/or has an income. they will no longer need the older person. And some younger people in these situations become awfully good at playing the emotions of, and manipulating, the older person.

And what happens when the younger person is middle-aged and the older person is elderly? The older person may have himself a caregiver (which is sometimes the motivation for old men to take younger lovers) -- or he may not. The younger person may make a very good caregiver, but it's tough having an elderly lover with all of those age issues when you have your own middle-aged problems to deal with. Sometimes the younger person can't handle it and just takes off -- while the older person, who spend years caring for and being devoted to the younger one -- is left all alone.

Frankly, I think the best and healthiest relationships are those where the age difference isn't too great, where one partner is not old enough to be their lover's father or mother. Middle-aged and elderly men should look around at guys in their own age range for partners -- after all, many of them are single or "widowed." Such relationships can not only be very successful, but they aren't dependent on financial need, and the two men can certainly relate to each other much better, as they are dealing with similar issues.

Then again, love is where you find it.

Boyfriend's Ex is Just Down the Hall

Help! My boyfriend's ex-lover has moved into the apartment down the hall. He claims this is completely coincidental, but I think it's a crock. They had a physically violent and dysfunctional relationship, and while I know my boyfriend is through with his ex, I just don't know what to expect from him next. I feel so uncomfortable having this psycho down the hall. Anon.

Well, nobody likes to have, as you put it, a psycho living down the hall. It does seem a little odd that your lover's ex should move into the same building, but it does happen on occasion. Are you afraid he'll be dropping by all the time? If that happens, you and your lover have to make it clear that the ex is not welcome. If you fear that he could actually be dangerous, then don't confront him or say something that will set him off. A cool, brisk, unfriendly but not hostile demeanor from the two of you may give him the message that neither you nor your lover want anything more to do with him. If he starts things up with you, looks like he's trying to start trouble, or starts to get violent, call the police and get a restraining order. Yes, this could be a sinister plot of his to make you and your lover's lives miserable, but it's also possible that he just found a reasonable rent and is just as unhappy living near you as you are living down the hall from him.

Somebody Wants His Boyfriend

I recently moved in with a man I've been dating for several months. We've made a commitment to each other. Everything is going great but there is one problem -- his best friend. "Joe" is also gay and they've known each other for years. I have always had the feeling that Joe is secretly in love with my lover and pretty much hates me because of it. My lover can't seem to see that Joe's comments to me aren't meant to be funny but are actually bitchy. He poo poohs any suggestion that Joe has romantic feelings for him. I'm just afraid that Joe would do anything he could to tear us apart, even though my lover has only platonic feelings for him. My question: should I confront Joe about this or would it only make things worse? JB.

That could go either way. Remember first of all that if it's true that your lover only sees Joe as a friend, there isn't that much he could do to break the two of you up. Now if you suspect that he's surreptitiously trying to undermine the relationship by telling lies about you to your lover, then you might have to confront him about that. While this may be the last thing you are feeling, try using compassion over anger -- at least at first. if Joe is suffering unrequited love for your guy, and has been feeling this way for years, you can imagine how painful it is for him, and how much worse it got when the man he adores fell in love with someone else. That may be why he lashes out in "bitchy" fashion (not that that excuses him). Have a compassionate, friendly talk with him, don't put him on the defensive, tell him that you sympathize but that he needs to accept that your lover has somebody in his life now. He may deny everything -- a typical reaction and an attempt to save face -- but at least your message may get across to him. Make it clear that you'd like for the two of you to be friends. He may take the hint or he may need to absent himself from your lives because being on the outside looking in may simply be too painful for him.

In the meantime, for heaven's sake introduce the guy to as many hot friends as you've got so that maybe he'll fall desperately in love with somebody else.

Unrequited Love Strikes Again!

I am a 32-year-old gay man. I have a friend I'll call Harry who is 35. He has a blog and writes all the time about a man he calls Joe, with whom he is in love. Mutual friends keep telling me that I am Joe, and that Harry is totally besotted with me. I care about Harry very much, but my feelings are strictly platonic and can never be otherwise. I looked at his last blog post tonight and for the first time the blinders were off and yes it became clear to me that I am "Joe." I went back and read the other posts and really don't know what to do. Our mutual friends are correct -- Harry is completely in love with me. I'm flattered -- but I just don't feel the same. From what he says on his blog, he seems to know it's hopeless, but people keep leaving comments telling him to tell me how he feels -- that's the last thing I want. What should I do, Dr. Bill? Wish I Weren't Joe.

Well, I've been in this situation from both sides and it ain't ever easy. There are a few things to keep in mind.

1.) This is very awkward for you, yes, but his unrequited passion is probably killing Harry. I recognize he's a friend you care about and you don't want him to get hurt -- and that the last thing you want is to have that conversation where you have to let him down easy (and as I said it's never easy) -- but what you're going through is nothing compared to what he's going through. If you keep that in mind it will help you keep things in perspective.

2.) His feelings for you may be an intense infatuation but not true love. Still painful, but easier to get over. Even if it's the latter, your rejection of him won't ruin his life. He thinks it will, but more likely it won't.

3.) I would suggest not doing anything now. Even though he's posting his feelings on his blog -- maybe hoping you'll read it and tell him what he wants to hear -- that doesn't mean he wants you to confront him, especially if your feelings are not the same as his. Often people are able to work through these unrequited feelings on their own, or they realize they prefer you as a friend, or they meet and fall for somebody else. No action may be required at this point.

4.) If he does declare his feelings for you out in the open, don't freak out. Tell him how much you care about him and how much his friendship means to you. Don't give him false hope, but tell him all the things you admire about him. Say it's a shame that your feelings aren't quite the same as his, because you're probably losing out on something special. But that there's nothing you can do about chemistry or your feelings. Tell him he's attractive, but be careful not to patronize.

Some people in your situation try to keep from hurting people by saying they're not ready for a relationship, or they only like a certain type (whom they make as different from the person they're talking to as possible) or they don't want to screw up a perfect friendship and so on, but I think in the long run it's better to be honest and avoid the obfuscation.

However if you just can't bring yourself to be blunt with him, one thing you might say is that you've gotten so used to him as a friend that it would just be too strange and downright unsettling to have him for a lover. Now this might sound like pure b.s., but the fact remains that many friends who are attracted to one another don't want to take it to the next level for that very reason. It's not just that they might spoil a good friendship, but that being lovers engenders a whole new level of angst, jealousy and primal emotion. Couples who break up often think to themselves, "if only we'd just stayed friends -- or f--k buddies!"

Things may just play themselves out without your having to say anything, but if he does reveal his feelings to you, I hope I've given you some options. Remember, that he may need to end the friendship if he feels he just can't stand being around you once he realizes you'll never be lovers. People aren't being mean when they do this -- it's an acknowledgement that they can't get over you if they're around you all the time.

But maybe he'll be able to think of you just as a cherished friend, and find somebody else to share his life and bed with.