Staying Friends with a Lover

Hi Bill,

I am 51, male and always knew I had an attraction to males.   Never had any relationship.  Just some encounters, all the time also trying to convince myself I was into girls as well.   I met a guy who manages a house next to mine and we became friends.  I eventually initiated sexual activity with him and he gladly accepted.  we became emotionally close.  He eventually has the maturity to talk to me to let me know he was feeling too attached to me and we had to stop having any sexual relations.  He felt constrained and was afraid of any relationship.  We agreed but kept on having the odd sexual romp.  We have said a few times now that we will not carry on but then we do.  Now, the last time we REALLY decided we would stop.   He has had other encounters during the time we had been testing these waters (8 months).  He says he does NOT want any relationship and I believe him but am having a very difficult time letting go and just being friends.  I am feeling that I might love and be In love with him but not sure.  How do I let it go while keeping my sanity and not driving him away from being a good friend?? Never had any gay relationships before and have failed at all female ones and so I am feeling that I will never find IT.  Can you advise??

Thanks,

My advice is to forget about this guy -- as difficult as that sounds -- and find someone who feels the same about you as you do about him. Not always easy, I know, but it is very, very difficult to be mere "friends" with someone you may be in love with, all the while hanging out with him and hoping things -- or his attitude towards you -- will change. If he's just a fuck buddy -- a friend you have sex with on occasion -- and not someone you have romantic feelings for, that's one thing, but if your heart is caught up with the sex and friendship, it's a different story.

51 is not old. [Hell, I know guys in their seventies who are still cruising, dating, and getting laid!]. Join some gay dating sites like silver daddies or bearwww and you'll find lots of perfectly nice and attractive fellows who are looking for love, sex or both. [Some of these guys are Out and Proud, and others are discreet and closeted.]

I know -- believe me, I know -- how difficult it is to get hung up on a certain fellow, but it's better to be happier with someone new than miserable and uncertain with someone who, ultimately, may not be right for you or vice versa. Take heart -- I know a guy who only just came out of the closet [after being married for decades] and within a couple of months he had a boyfriend!

You never know!

Consolation Sex and the Guy You Can't Get Over

Now what do you think of this, doc? Some time ago I ended a friendship with a dear friend because I realized that I was falling for him and he made it clear -- after much hemming and hawing -- that he did not feel the same. He did not want to lose my friendship -- neither did I -- but I explained to him that it would be painful for me to be around him, especially as he had recently taken up with another man. [Let me make it clear that I had been under the impression -- as all of our mutual friends were -- that J. and I were in a relationship, but apparently that never occurred to J. We were intimate, hung out together all the time, but he just didn't feel that special something that I did. That's life. Regretfully, I moved on.]

Okay. Months went by. I avoided J, who worked in a bar I had frequented. One evening, at another place, I ran into my "replacement" -- J's new fuck buddy. We fell into conversation and had many drinks together. Apparently, R -- the replacement -- had also come to the same conclusion that I had. That J. was great, but that all R was to him was a "friend with benefits," that J. was no more interested in a relationship with him than he was with me.

One thing led to another and the two of us went to his place and had sex. Who shows up the next morning but J -- he and R were still friends, unlike J and me -- and he actually got angry that the two of us had slept together. He acted as if he had been betrayed. He has made no commitment to us, and while R and I definitely think the other is attractive, what we had was just some nice consolation sex, probably never to be repeated. Our bond was J, pure and simple.

So, what's going on here? The three of us argued and talked for an hour and got nowhere. It is clear that J. doesn't really want either of us for a lover. So why does he give a damn that we slept together? Could you shed any light on this? T.

I'll try. Maybe because he was left out of the fun and didn't get laid the night before like you two did?

Seriously, his actions may not be rational, but they are understandable. You were someone he may not have seen as "the one," but nevertheless he enjoyed having you as a friend [with benefits]. You ended the friendship -- wisely, I feel -- but he still feels rejected. [Ironic, I know, since you ended the friendship because of his rejection of your romantic feelings.] Now he sees the pattern happening all over again -- R will probably have to end the friendship just as you did -- and he sees the two of you drawing closer while he feels left out. We all need friendships, just as we need special relationships, and we especially need friendships when we have no special relationship.

Now I'm going to assume that you're correct that J just wants both you and R as friends or fuck buddies and nothing more. Still, he misses the times you and he hung out together and may have been trying to recreate them with R. Now R has gone and fallen for him, too, and all J can see is that he's in danger of losing yet another good friend.

I've met guys like J. No doubt he's attractive, likable, charming. He hasn't met "the one" yet, or may not even be looking. [Not to give false hope, but it may not even be you or R who's the problem, but simply bad timing.] Yet there's something about him that makes most of his friends or fuck buddies fall a little in love with him. I've met guys like this who may not even be that handsome, but they are nice and fun and sympathetic, hopefully a little exciting as well, and people just wind up getting hung up on them.

You have to realize that, even if he's young, he may have been through this over and over again. You may not even have been the first friend who fell for him and then walked out of his life. He may not be hurting as much as you are, but he's hurting. And he may see the two of you sleeping together as a way of getting back at him ( which certainly may have been on R's mind) when he really did nothing wrong -- he just didn't return your more serious feelings.

And you and R -- if you're totally honest -- are probably still hoping that some day something more than friendship will develop with J. I can't blame either one of you for getting some consolation sex with one another [although I sense you're being accurate when you suggest it will go no further.]

That being said, J still can't tell either you or R who you can sleep with anymore than you can dictate his social or sex life to him.

I feel bad for all three of you, as I've been on both sides of the fence, and it's never easy. No harm was really done as far as you're concerned, as you'd already decided to move on and end the friendship with J out of necessity, although I understand you could have done without this misunderstanding. R, who may not have quite reached the point you have, is probably wishing he hadn't answered the door when J came a'callin'. [Wonder why he did?]

Yet there's hope for all of you. You and R have to remember that the next great -- and real -- romance might be just around the corner. J may be a special guy, but he's not the only special guy.

And maybe until he's ready to settle down or meets that certain someone, J should stick to being friends with couples.