Dresses and Cleavage in a Bear Bar

Dr. Bill. I hang out at a bar that might be called a bear bar. Now and then a woman comes in from a bar up the street that is known as a drag queen hang-out. I say woman because I believe she is transgendered. She is probably a nice enough person, but she is, unfortunately, rather shrill, borderline obnoxious, and doesn't really fit in with the atmosphere of this bar. Worse, she walks around with money sticking out of her substantial cleavage and encourages the customers to stick money in her boobs. Many of the guys are good sports, but I find this behavior kind of sleazy, as she is not an entertainer for this bar. I'm afraid if I say anything I'll be called a bigot, but I'm also afraid if she isn't discouraged -- especially from soliciting cash -- she'll bring several of her friends to do the same thing. I have nothing against drag queens/transsexuals, but if I wanted to hang out with them I'd go to the bar where they work and hang out. What do I do? I like this bar with its masculine gay atmosphere but if it becomes a drag queen hang-out it will be ruined for me and for most of the customers.

My advice is to wait awhile and see what happens. This gal may just come in for an occasional drink, but if she continues soliciting for cash you have a right to say something to the bouncer or manager. Most gay bars (unless they're outright hustler bars) won't put up with men soliciting cash let alone women or drag queens.

Not everyone finds the drag/ transgender scene entertaining or even relevant in these "bear" days, and I can well understand that an "invasion" of drag queens/trans women would certainly change the atmosphere and dynamics of the bar. There are places that are more appropriate for drag queens. It doesn't make you a bigot if you simply prefer to hang out with guys dressed as guys. After all you are attracted to men. But don't over-react to something that may never become a problem.

Frankly -- and I'm being very politically incorrect here -- I find the drag scene a little passe, although you are right that nowadays many of these "guys" have actually transitioned into gals, although they may retain their penises. Somehow transvestism and transsexuality have become so cemented in the public's mind with homosexuality that far too many people think if you're a gay man you want to wear dresses, which is far, far from the truth. I don't believe we should be transphobic -- transsexuals don't have an easy time of it -- but if a scene is not of interest to you, it just isn't. When it comes to drag shows, for instance -- guys (or gals) in dresses lip-syncing to records -- well, I would sooner have root canal surgery without anesthetic than sit through any more of them.

Like anybody else, most drag queens are nice people and can be a lot of fun, but we certainly know that some of them can be -- well, as you put it -- "shrill and borderline obnoxious," which is true of a lot of people, of course. Because they're ignored by most of the customers, some straight women become very drunk and shrill and difficult in gay bars, and we've all seen our share of "queens" who get all loud and squealing and silly when they've had too much. The transgender community is diverse, of course, and the "shrill," overbearing, over-dressed female has become a stereotype. Not every drag queen/trans woman is like Ru Paul (not that I have anything against Ru Paul). Drag/transgender entertainers -- like any entertainer -- need attention, and if they don't get it ...

Hang tight. Chances are this gal will ultimately want to hang out where she gets more appreciation -- and money.

Cross-dressing

How prevalent is cross-dressing in the gay male community?

Before I answer that I have an anecdote. Some years ago I read an interview with an actor on a soap opera who'd just been told that his character was going to turn out to be gay. He told the interviewer, "I guess I'll have to go out and buy some dresses." I thought: Why? The character was gay and not a transvestite [or cross-dresser].

There has always been a frankly ridiculous link in the public's mind between homosexuality and transvestism. The fact is that the vast majority of gay men are happy being men and haven't the least interest in dressing up as women. Because flamboyant drag queens [gay transvestites] have always been a hard-to-ignore part of gay culture, people have mistakenly believed that more gay men are cross-dressers than actually are. In reality, most male transvestites are actually heterosexual [or at least identify as such]; they lead straight lives but enjoy dressing up as women, touching and wearing female underwear, and the like -- it's a fetish.

So to answer your question: cross-dressing is not very prevalent at all in the gay male community, although due to popular culture and coverage in some of the sillier gay magazines it may sometimes seem that way. With the emergence of the bear community, I'd have to say that drag is even seeming a little passe these days.

Boyfriend Stares at Men

I'm kind of convinced the guy I've been dating for 6 months may be gay. He stares at other men ALL the time; only wants oral from me (says sex with a condom is difficult); and now seems to be attempting to interact with a tranny on FB whom he is not friends with (okay, he liked one post but there seems to be "straight" men buzzing about her page). I've asked him twice (sort of) if he was gay; once when we were in bed. He simply said no. I called him out when we were out one night. He stared at several men for a prolonged period of time. Upon hearing my assertion that he stared at men too long he got angry.

A few nights ago he stared at several men on the way home. He kept on looking back at me to see if I was looking ... I was.

Your thoughts? I want to say my instincts are right. He has loads of other issues I don't have time to discuss including some nerve and back problems which makes me understand the lack of sex but not his odd -- for a "straight guy" -- behaviour.


Many thanks!

Well, frankly, his staring at other guys -- and especially his trying to do it surreptitiously -- is a big red flag. Also, some men who are attracted to other men are initially interested in trans women or drag queens because they see them as women [of course trans women are women] but are turned on by the masculine connection -- a drag queen is still a guy and has a penis, while a trans woman once had a penis [or still does if she hasn't had surgery yet]. Men who get sexually involved with them can tell themselves they're not really having sex with a man [which is true in the case of the Trans woman, but not with the drag queen.]

I would say this fellow at least has some attraction for men but isn't ready to be upfront about it. The problem is, until he's ready, you don't know if he's gay or genuinely bi, and if the latter, if his preference [if he's totally honest with himself] is men, in which case he might as well be gay. Who needs a conflicted boyfriend who may be planning sexual escapades behind your back?

Try and draw him out in a sympathetic, non-judgmental way. If he seems deceptive or hostile, you're probably better off moving on.  

Boyfriend is Drag Queen?

Well you probably don't remember but I contacted you earlier with some trouble about my boyfriend (a self-hating Christian); things are going well now -- I took your advice, so I talked to a friend who was also Christian, and he did help, but things sort of took a weird twist, and by weird I mean WEIRD. Well I didn't say before but he is very effeminate-looking, and from time to time he likes cross-dressing, I enjoy when he does this and help with his makeup and stuff; it's fun and I like the way he looks. At first it was just something we did behind closed doors you know, alone, but eventually a friend of ours walked in on him in a skirt. She didn't react negatively, in fact she kind of encouraged him, to the point of convincing him to take a couple of pictures posing like this. She says that they we're just for practice since she enjoys photography but, judging by how she is, those pictures might already have found their way onto the web. I was worried, but he was joyous, and aroused, and after some time in bed I forgot my worries until a bit later. A few days later I caught this friend and my boyfriend in the street, only he was wearing a skirt, a top and a small sweater. I freaked out since it wouldn't be nice if he stumbled into one of his friends that recognized him, or even worse, his parents, cos' if being gay wasn't enough I bet cross dressing will surely give his father a heart attack. I warned him but our friend simply said they were having fun; I usually could convince him but with our friend's support they convinced me to accompany them. I just looked around for someone we knew and nervously went around for the rest of the day. It was not fun and after we went back to his house I tried to talk him out of this, and just like the time of the photo shoot he used the one kind of argument I can't resist.

Now this wasn't long ago, and it's still going on, and I can't talk to him because we are either with company I can't discuss this in front of, or with our friend who somehow always manages to out talk me or alone where he can out tongue me... so he's pretty much got me on a short leash on this. I keep trying time after time to convince him but I can't and I know that doing this will eventually land him into trouble, bad trouble. I mean I haven't been around most of the time he does this but I've seen him getting complimented and flirted with, and this makes me jealous, and I have bounced a couple of guys but apparently when it's just him and our friend he does flirt with them, and this also makes me mad. I need to talk to him, but I don't really know how to proceed... by the next time I see him I very much need to snap him out of this mad stuff!

Final note: I talked this over with one of my more mature and smart friends, he said something that seemed very interesting, that he may do this in order to attract attention from men -- is this logical? Why do you think he does this?

Well, my best guess is he does this because he's a drag queen -- a gay man who's also a transvestite [someone who gets off on wearing women's clothing and/or in having a female persona.] Some drag queens feel a need to live most of their lives -- at least [in their opinion] their real lives -- as women. They are not transsexuals, as such [perhaps some are], but they do have a strong female identification.

I'm not entirely certain why this troubles you so much since you have no problem with him being effeminate. Of course, there's a big difference between a kind of "girlish" guy and a drag queen. Do you guys live in a small town? Are you afraid he (or both of you) might be gay-bashed [a problem he might face even when he's not in drag, as you say he's somewhat obviously gay]? Until both of you are comfortable with his cross-dressing, it might be better for him to do it at home or only in gay clubs. [Not bear or leather bars, however, LOL.]

If he's a bonafide, genuine transvestite, he can't help his feelings, and he shouldn't be ashamed of it, and don't help him feel ashamed. I mean, you say he's feeling better about being gay -- it sounds like he's anxious to smash the closet door right off of its hinges -- so don't turn around and give him a complex about being a cross-dresser!

Some gay men, after they come out, especially the more stereotypical members of our community, want everyone to know and go about it in the most flamboyant way possible, and I suppose this whole cross-dressing thing might just be a "gay" act he's putting on, trying to be as wild and "out" as he can be. It probably amuses him that it freaks you out.

On the other hand, he might be a legitimate "TV." A Christian drag queen? Why not? You can either deal with it or you can't.

As for wanting to attract attention from men? Well, most gay men are turned on by masculinity, not by guys in dresses, but there are exceptions. If for some bizarre and pointless reason he's trying to turn on straight guys, he's just asking for trouble, especially if he's convincing enough to pass for a "real" woman. Nothing gets a homophobic straight guy angrier than being turned on/flirted with by a woman who turns out to be a guy.

I suggest you sit down and talk with him and find out just how far he's into the drag scene, and how far into it he wants to go. Does he eventually want to live most of the time in female drag and with a female name and persona? The vast majority of gay men have absolutely no interest in dressing up in drag, but those who do really dive into it and some never come up for air. This just may be a phase for your boyfriend or it may be the real deal.

It doesn't make you a bigot if the drag thing becomes a turn off for you, but it may mean that this guy just ain't the right guy for you after all. But remember, there's nothing really wrong in being a transvestite or drag queen.

The Whole "Queen" Thing

I'm a gay guy, but I confess that I don't get the whole "queen" thing, and especially not the drag queen thing. You can slam me if you want, but that's how I feel. What is up with those guys? Anon.

I'm a little confused here. I assume you're a butch or non-stereotypical gay man -- most of us are, in fact -- and you don't understand why some gay guys are queeny? I'll proceed from that supposition. [I'll confess right now in the interest of full disclosure that some queens can drive me right up the wall, while others I find warm, friendly, gay-positive and altogether terrific. But that's true of the butch numbers as well. ]

Most if not all "queens" are gay but most gay guys are not queens. For reasons that have never quite been determined, a certain percentage of gay men are stereotypically effeminate or "swishy" to a certain degree. This may run from a mild softness or slight girlishness on occasion to full-out screaming queen mania that's on all the time.

If there's a gene to determine sexual orientation, as some studies suggest, is there also a gene to determine whether or not a gay person is butch or femme? Somehow I doubt it. I think effeminacy in men is an acquired trait. In other words, it has to do with how and by whom a man is raised and with his environment. Then again -- and here's where things really get confusing -- there are queeny gay men who have strong male role models, who are not surrounded and raised by women, and who grow up in atmospheres that aren't especially "feminine." So who knows? So let's just say that effeminacy can be an acquired trait but may not be in all cases. [And let's not forget -- Saturday Night Live jokes aside -- that there are undoubtedly effeminate heterosexual men. Not just straight-identified, but straight.]

But now we come to drag queens, men who dress up as women. In general, if these men are gay we call them drag queens; if straight -- and yes, there are heterosexual men who like to dress up as women -- we call them transvestites. In any case, most gay men are not transvestites and have zero interest in dressing up as women.

For one reason or another some gay men -- and perhaps some straight men as well -- identity with the opposite sex to such a degree that they feel in part female. This is different from a transsexual person, who can be an actual female trapped in a male body or vice versa. Undoubtedly there are TVs [transvestites] and drag queens who are unacknowledged transsexuals. An extreme identification with women can lead a man to spend much if not all of his time in drag and in a female persona. These guys may feel unattractive and colorless without the female finery; getting in drag helps them get out of their shell and develop a personality the way that imbibing a few drinks does for other people. And, strange as it sounds, this may be completely unrelated to their sexual orientation. [And some men find sexual gratification in dressing up as women.]

This is why you don't "get" drag queens. Because it isn't a gay thing as such at all. Drag queens are a part of the gay community, but they have their own special needs and purposes that most gay men can't especially relate to at all.

As for queens or femmes -- gay men who are stereotypical but aren't necessarily interested in dressing in drag -- a lot of times they pick up their flamboyant gestures and behavior by mimicking the more "outrageous" gay men they they first meet when they come out. A lot of swishy behavior is just acting, camping it up. A snide homophobe may think that beneath every butch number there's a queen but the truth is that sometimes it's just the opposite. Some guys act effeminate simply because that's what they think gay guys do. If they get involved with the more masculine side of gay culture, they may drop the whole swish thing, although if they're old enough it may have become such a large part of who they are that it becomes impossible to change.

But as I've said before, butch or femme, we're all gay brothers, each with our own unique way of expressing ourselves.

Macho or swishy, drag queen or leather king, sports fan or Broadway enthusiast, we don't necessarily have to "get" each other.

But respect each other we must, for divided we will definitely fall.

What a Drag!

I am a masculine gay man in my thirties and I can't understand why there seems to be this incredible preoccupation with drag, or at least this perception that all or most gay men are into wearing dresses. I've never had the slightest desire to dress up as a woman and neither do any of my gay male friends. Why does this stereotype persist? A character came out on a TV show and his mother started asking his dress size! Perplexed.

Some time ago an actor on a soap opera was giving an interview. He had just been told that his character was going to turn out to be gay. He said: "I guess I'll have to go out and buy some dresses."

Huh?

Yes, you would think that this tiresome confusion of homosexuality with transvestism -- or of equating gay men with women -- would have gone out the window long ago. I don't think most gay men are preoccupied with or have any interest in drag, but the media makes it seem otherwise. As for TV shows, we've got stupid writers who can't come up with anything original. We all know that there are "queens"-- in and out of drag -- in our community, and I'm certainly not suggesting they should be put down in any way, shape or form. Our world would certainly be a little bit duller without them. But the whole world already knows that there are femmes in the gay male community. It's time we saw more portrayals of gay men as most of us are: non-stereotypical -- not to mention the bears, leather hunks, super-butch types and all the rest. It's gotten to a point where if you see a bear-like or just masculine gay guy in a movie it's considered a big joke-- how could somebody like that be gay?

Drag queens seem to be a disproportionate part of the gay community because whenever there's a march, parade or event, the cameras instantly capture the more colorful members of the community -- which includes drag queens. This has in part created a feeling among people that there are many more drag queens than there really are, and that drag is an inherent part of every gay man's life, while nothing could be further from the truth. Hopefully TV people and filmmakers will eventually explore the gay world in all of its diversity.

But I'm not holding my breath.

Gay Men and Divas

Why do gay men have a fascination with divas, actresses, Bette Davis, Madonna, and the like? Is it because they want to be them? Anon.

First of all, whenever you talk about gay men, the word "some" should always be used as a prefix. Some gay men may have a fascination with certain, as you call them, divas or movie stars, but certainly not all or even most. These gay men tend to be the more flamboyant members of the community.

Second, Gay men are men; they have no desire to be women. You're confusing homosexuals with transsexuals, or at least you're confusing the average gay man with a drag queen (or gay transvestite). Most gay men are not drag queens and have no interest in dressing up or posing as a member of the opposite sex. There are drag queens (as well as heterosexual transvestites or female impersonators) who dress up as famous women either as part of their act if they're entertainers, or as a homage to someone they are a fan of.

Lastly, both Madonna and Bette Davis have heterosexual fans.

There are many, many gay men who not only have no fascination with divas, but -- believe it or not -- no particular interest in any aspect of show biz. There are gay men who like sports, camping, back-packing, computers, hardware, electronics, hunting etc. etc.

Let's get past the stereotypes. We are a very diverse bunch of fellows.

Gay does not = Drag

No offense, but why do gay men like to dress up as women? Anon.

No offense, but generally we don't You're confusing homosexuals with transvestites, many of whom are actually heterosexual. When a man is both a homosexual and a transvestite (or cross-dresser), we call him a "drag queen." Drag queen culture is very colorful, which is why it seems so prominent in the gay scene. During Gay Pride parades and marches, the cameras will often zoom in on the drag queens and other colorful participants and ignore the more "ordinary" gay people. For the same reason the gay media often presents a disproportionate amount of cross-dresser portrayals in movies and documentaries. Some "drag queens" may be transsexuals who are in various stages of transitioning from (biological) male to female.

Drag queens are only a small percentage of the gay community although the media may make it seem as if most, if not all, gay men are drag queens. In truth, most gay men are very happy as men, have no real "identification" with females (as many drag queens do), and have no desire to dress up as women. Many feel the gay community would be quite a bit duller without its drag queens while some butch gay guys get awfully tired of the constant confusion between gays and transvestites.