Dresses and Cleavage in a Bear Bar

Dr. Bill. I hang out at a bar that might be called a bear bar. Now and then a woman comes in from a bar up the street that is known as a drag queen hang-out. I say woman because I believe she is transgendered. She is probably a nice enough person, but she is, unfortunately, rather shrill, borderline obnoxious, and doesn't really fit in with the atmosphere of this bar. Worse, she walks around with money sticking out of her substantial cleavage and encourages the customers to stick money in her boobs. Many of the guys are good sports, but I find this behavior kind of sleazy, as she is not an entertainer for this bar. I'm afraid if I say anything I'll be called a bigot, but I'm also afraid if she isn't discouraged -- especially from soliciting cash -- she'll bring several of her friends to do the same thing. I have nothing against drag queens/transsexuals, but if I wanted to hang out with them I'd go to the bar where they work and hang out. What do I do? I like this bar with its masculine gay atmosphere but if it becomes a drag queen hang-out it will be ruined for me and for most of the customers.

My advice is to wait awhile and see what happens. This gal may just come in for an occasional drink, but if she continues soliciting for cash you have a right to say something to the bouncer or manager. Most gay bars (unless they're outright hustler bars) won't put up with men soliciting cash let alone women or drag queens.

Not everyone finds the drag/ transgender scene entertaining or even relevant in these "bear" days, and I can well understand that an "invasion" of drag queens/trans women would certainly change the atmosphere and dynamics of the bar. There are places that are more appropriate for drag queens. It doesn't make you a bigot if you simply prefer to hang out with guys dressed as guys. After all you are attracted to men. But don't over-react to something that may never become a problem.

Frankly -- and I'm being very politically incorrect here -- I find the drag scene a little passe, although you are right that nowadays many of these "guys" have actually transitioned into gals, although they may retain their penises. Somehow transvestism and transsexuality have become so cemented in the public's mind with homosexuality that far too many people think if you're a gay man you want to wear dresses, which is far, far from the truth. I don't believe we should be transphobic -- transsexuals don't have an easy time of it -- but if a scene is not of interest to you, it just isn't. When it comes to drag shows, for instance -- guys (or gals) in dresses lip-syncing to records -- well, I would sooner have root canal surgery without anesthetic than sit through any more of them.

Like anybody else, most drag queens are nice people and can be a lot of fun, but we certainly know that some of them can be -- well, as you put it -- "shrill and borderline obnoxious," which is true of a lot of people, of course. Because they're ignored by most of the customers, some straight women become very drunk and shrill and difficult in gay bars, and we've all seen our share of "queens" who get all loud and squealing and silly when they've had too much. The transgender community is diverse, of course, and the "shrill," overbearing, over-dressed female has become a stereotype. Not every drag queen/trans woman is like Ru Paul (not that I have anything against Ru Paul). Drag/transgender entertainers -- like any entertainer -- need attention, and if they don't get it ...

Hang tight. Chances are this gal will ultimately want to hang out where she gets more appreciation -- and money.

Intolerance

Why are gay people so intolerant of other minorities, such as transsexuals, and people who have their own gender-identities or no identities at all, or people who do not identify as human? Anon.

Huh? If a person doesn't identify as human, wouldn't you say they have a problem? If a friend of mine said he thought he was a ferret (and that's not a classification of gay bear) I think I would suggest he get professional counseling, wouldn't you? More on that below.

First of all, I don't think most gay people are intolerant of transsexuals. Yes, I've met a few gays who might have racist or anti-Semitic -- and transphobic -- feelings, people who would probably be homophobic if they weren't themselves gay (or who have issues with self-hatred) but most gays are very sympathetic to the transgendered. The "T" in GLBT stands for Transgendered, after all, and many gay people have worked with transsexuals to help them attain their rights and gain respect. They have always been included in the gay movement. Most gay groups insisted that they would not back the ENDA anti-discrimination bill unless it included transsexuals. This sparked a big debate in the gay community. But just because some gays felt that a bill covering transsexual rights should be separate and come later -- after the gay anti-discrimination bill passed -- didn't necessarily make them transphobic.

You're simply wrong that gays are intolerant of transsexuals. This doesn't mean gays identity with transsexuals to any great extent, as there is a big difference between being gay (attracted to your own sex) and being transsexual (feeling you are one sex mistakenly born into the body of the opposite sex). While some transsexuals are gay, many others are actually heterosexual, and some of them don't necessarily relate -- or even have tolerance for -- homosexuals. However, I believe most gays and transsexuals recognize that they are both viewed as "queers" by the intolerant, and may feel a certain kinship on that level, if nothing else. The gay experience is very different from the transgender experience, although they can be related in certain cases. In truth, the transsexual experience can be so foreign to gays and straights alike, that it's unfair to expect gay people to automatically understand it simply because they, too, are a minority.

Because we are discriminated against, many gay people bend over backwards to be progressive and tolerant toward everyone else -- but there's no unwritten rule that says we have to be, or that we have to accept every movement or fashionable notion, or think of every group as a misunderstood minority. Or that we don't have the right to cry foul if we spot homophobic attitudes among other minorities, including other sexual minorities.

As for gender-identification, I have mixed emotions about that. People have the right to present themselves or think of themselves as any gender they wish, or to be androgynous and gender-free if they choose. But sometimes the complete rejection of a gender role indicates that an individual may be deeply confused, unhappy with themselves, and full of self-loathing. In those cases, people should be encouraged to seek therapy from a therapist who has a positive attitude toward and knowledge of gay/transgender issues.

Lastly, if a person does not think of him or herself as even being human, that indicates a basic self-loathing that should definitely be addressed by a professional therapist.