Boyfriend Stares at Men

I'm kind of convinced the guy I've been dating for 6 months may be gay. He stares at other men ALL the time; only wants oral from me (says sex with a condom is difficult); and now seems to be attempting to interact with a tranny on FB whom he is not friends with (okay, he liked one post but there seems to be "straight" men buzzing about her page). I've asked him twice (sort of) if he was gay; once when we were in bed. He simply said no. I called him out when we were out one night. He stared at several men for a prolonged period of time. Upon hearing my assertion that he stared at men too long he got angry.

A few nights ago he stared at several men on the way home. He kept on looking back at me to see if I was looking ... I was.

Your thoughts? I want to say my instincts are right. He has loads of other issues I don't have time to discuss including some nerve and back problems which makes me understand the lack of sex but not his odd -- for a "straight guy" -- behaviour.


Many thanks!

Well, frankly, his staring at other guys -- and especially his trying to do it surreptitiously -- is a big red flag. Also, some men who are attracted to other men are initially interested in trans women or drag queens because they see them as women [of course trans women are women] but are turned on by the masculine connection -- a drag queen is still a guy and has a penis, while a trans woman once had a penis [or still does if she hasn't had surgery yet]. Men who get sexually involved with them can tell themselves they're not really having sex with a man [which is true in the case of the Trans woman, but not with the drag queen.]

I would say this fellow at least has some attraction for men but isn't ready to be upfront about it. The problem is, until he's ready, you don't know if he's gay or genuinely bi, and if the latter, if his preference [if he's totally honest with himself] is men, in which case he might as well be gay. Who needs a conflicted boyfriend who may be planning sexual escapades behind your back?

Try and draw him out in a sympathetic, non-judgmental way. If he seems deceptive or hostile, you're probably better off moving on.  

Confused Over Boyfriend

Hi Bill,
I've have been with my boyfriend for 5 months now and I have suspicions about him being gay. One time we were sitting in his living room watching a movie and out of no where he told me that he's been involved with another man before. I thought he was joking at first, but is expression was so serious. Then I asked him if he was for real or if he was serious, because I won't judge him...But he started watching the movie again and told me he was joking. Another time we were talking about our high school experiences and he told me how he was really popular and on the track team, but he didn't lose his virginity until he was 16. There is nothing wrong with that, but he told me that he didn't like the idea of bodily fluids mixing and he found it disgusting. It makes me wonder why a popular guy like him viewed sex in this way. It seems like he could have been trying to figure out his sexuality. Finally, one day we were at the barber shop and he was waiting to get his hair cut. He asked me if I thought his barber was cute and I told him no. While I asked him why he asked me that, he was checking the barber out and smiling. Maybe he could have been joking, but it really confused me. 

Then again, maybe he was afraid you were attracted to the barber. Frankly, there's really nothing in what you say to positively indicate that the guy might be gay except for one thing, which I'll get to in a moment. Gay men don't find bodily fluids "disgusting" anymore than straight men do so any queasiness he may feel about that may have nothing to do with sexual orientation, even if he was strictly speaking about male and female fluids. I don't know what movie you were watching, but he may have been joking about a former homosexual experience or greatly exaggerating something -- still, this could be a red flag. When people are getting ready to come out, they often "test the waters" by suddenly making statements about their sexual orientation to see what reaction they get, and then quickly taking it back and saying it was all a joke. That may be what he is doing here. If he starts ogling other men besides the barber, that's also a clue. He may be sending out signals or he may be joking around. I do think it would be a good idea to come right out and ask him in a non-judgmental way if he is attracted to men. Once that's out in the open at least you'll have some idea of what's up with him. If he's gay or sees himself as being bisexual but his preference is men, then you would both be better off with different boyfriends.

Bi-Situational Boyfriend

Hi Dr. Bill,

My 36 year old boyfriend initially revealed that he is bi-situational, I'm sure 
he's more interested in men than just when the situation presents itself. 
I realize he phrased it this way because he was anxious about my response and 
he would definitely never share this with his buddies or family.  He has since 
expressed his interest as a bi top who is oral versatile. He's a fantastic man 
and I embrace all aspects of who he is.  Never having been in a committed 
relationship with a man who identifies as bisexual, I'm not sure what this means 
over the long term.  It's something we will need to figure out as we go. What is 
the key to maintaining a healthy sexual relationship when one member of the 
couple identifies as bisexual?

Thank you so much for having a blog that delves into these questions! 

First, let me make it clear that there are people who will disagree with me,
but here it is. Identifying as bisexual is all well and good. The trouble is
that "bisexual" is a term that means different things to different people, and I'm
not convinced it really applies to many of the people who use it as a label. I can
not tell you the number of women who are out there who have husbands and boy-
friends who are attracted to men; I've heard from scores. The trouble is, many
of these guys are so ashamed of their homosexual feelings that they simply go
on the "down low." They have sex with men and have their "woman" as a front
They aren't honest with themselves so they have trouble being honest with the
people in their lives.

There are men who claim they only want sex with men and can only have 
romantic relationships with women. They often call themselves bisexual. I
call them closet cases. A true bisexual, according to bi advocates, can have
both sexual and romantic relationships with either sex. These men can't see
themselves in a relationship with a man because of their shame and embarress-
ment,what we call "internalized homophobia." And a man suffering from such
is often in denial as to the true extent of his homosexual feelings.  

Your boyfriend may insist -- as many of these men do -- that he is a bisexual
who leans towards being straight, that he is more attracted to women than to
men. But I hasten to add that a true bisexual does not have to have sex with
both men and women. Either can fully satisfy him or her. If that is genuinely the
case with your boyfriend, there shouldn't be any problem "maintaining a healthy
sexual relationship," as you put it.

But if your boyfriend is not really bisexual -- and I would not classify him
as such if in his heart of hearts [and gonads] his preference is men -- then
eventually he'll feel stifled in a heterosexual relationship or just have frequent
sexual contacts with other men. All you can do is talk it out with him and
hope he's totally honest with himself and with you.  


Frankly, "bi-situational" sounds like a lot of hooey to me, but I'm sure that
doesn't surprise you. Unless it refers to the fact that many men are bisexual
only in the sense that they do interact with both sexes but deep down are
primarily gay.  

 

Possibly Gay Boyfriend

Dear Bill,

I have been dating this guy for almost a year now. He is good in bed and stares at women. However, he has very gay mannerisms.[I assume you mean stereotypical mannerisms as most gay men are not "limp-wristed hairdressers" -- Bill]  He cares about his dressing, he takes longer to shower than I do, all his male friends are gay except one. He grinds with them in public, he holds hands with his best friend, who is gay. This behavior appalls me [presumably because it's your date and not because you have a problem with gay behavior -- Bill]and I don't know what to do. Everybody thinks he is gay. I asked him sweetly about it and he says he doesn't know how to act like a bro because he grew up among women. He has 2 sisters and lives with his mom. His parents are divorced. He says he always found it easier to make friendships with gay men. I asked him about his sexual history and he said he has never done anything sexual with a guy. Most of my friends are gay too, so when we go out to gay clubs and gay guys hit on him, he enjoys the attention and proudly talks to them and then later on he will introduce me as his girlfriend. He is also quick to point out a good looking man on television. I am confused about his behaviour. Please help me before I lose my mind. I dated a gay guy before, and I don't want to make the same mistake. I have a preference for a completely straight man.

Well, I gotta tell you that this doesn't sound like a completely straight man. On the other hand, some of the things you mention aren't necessarily red flags. There are girlish heterosexual men [just as the vast majority of gay men are not effeminate], and a man can also care about his appearance, take a long time to dress and shower, and still be straight. [The reverse is also true: I'm a gay man and I'm a slob, or so some friends tell me, LOL!] Guys who grow up in all female households can sometimes seem a bit epicene [androgynous or unmanly] but it doesn't necessarily mean they're gay. [For the record, it's generally now believed that people are born gay, so whether a man grows up surrounded by women or men, has or hasn't got a father figure, is irrelevant.] Growing up with women may have helped your boyfriend be more comfortable around women, and perhaps the more stereotypical gay men.

Now we come to this business of how your boyfriend has virtually immersed himself in the gay scene. Since you say that the both of you have gay friends and therefore hang out a lot in gay clubs, it may be that he finds himself in a homoerotic environment and doesn't want to stick out like a sore thumb. [We'll all seen some straight guys in gay bars clinging to their girlfriends, practically breaking their ribs, in terror of being thought gay.] So he dances with some of his gay friends to be cool, although I have to admit that the grinding and holding hands is a bit much. I have known cases of guys who immerse themselves in gay culture, have girlfriends and refer to themselves as straight, but are deep down attracted to men. My guess is that your boyfriend is possibly gay or at least bisexual but just isn't quite ready to acknowledge it, although he seems to do everything else but have sex with guys [if what he's told you is true, and it may not be]. I call these guys "gay-friendly closet cases."

Most straight couples go to gay clubs that tend to be somewhat mixed [men and women/gay and straight] and not the more intense cruise bars or "meet" markets where gay guys go to get laid. If he's hanging out in the latter bars he could certainly be attracted to men.

I won't repeat what I've written in my post Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay, but I suggest you review the information and familiarize yourself with the red flags.

The truth is that there's no hard and fast way to know for sure about someone unless they come out of the closet or you discover they're having sex with guys, are on gay dating sights, etc. In the meantime, if his behavior in gay bars embarrasses you, you should probably stick to straight clubs. Right now I think it's more that he's "acting" gay that bothers you than that he may be sleeping with guys, because otherwise you probably wouldn't bother dating a guy that you think is gay!