At what point should a gay man hang up his spurs and accept that his sexual life is behind him? Isn't it better to face reality than to force rejection over and over again? What do you think? Depressed.
The answer to that question depends on the individual, and it isn't just gay men who have to contemplate that dangerous reality as they get older. Nowadays older people of all persuasions are having longer erotic lives, which is all for the better. A lot also depends on such factors as whether or not one is in a relationship and if it's getting harder or impossible to find what you're looking for.
Obviously, unless he's in an open relationship, a man with a life partner's only concern is to, ahem, keep the home fires burning. I assume you're single, and -- as we say -- of a certain age. But remember that nowadays thanks to the Internet and sites like silver daddies and daddyhunt -- as well as a change in attitudes [in part brought about by the bear movement, which says that a man needn't be young, slender or handsome to be attractive or even sexy to others] the age of desirability has been extended. Men in their sixties and older are going out on dates and yes, getting laid! [And remember there are younger men -- non-hustlers -- who are attracted to older guys.]
I would say to anyone who feels that it's time to pack it in when it comes to cruising and/or Internet dating -- give it a little more time. Everyone has a dry spell now and then and when you get older that dry spell can sometimes last a long time [but not always]. Be realistic in who you go after, taking an equally realistic appraisal of yourself. You may no longer be -- may have never been -- some handsome hunk or porn star type, but that doesn't mean you're not somebody's type. As men age, we sometimes have to adjust to the fact that our partners will age as well. And what's wrong with that? [This is directed at guys who insist on only dating much younger men -- big mistake!] If a man is rejected "over and over again," maybe he's approaching the wrong men, or should set his sights a little lower.
Every man and woman, gay or straight, on the planet will eventually reach a point or age [and it's unique for each individual] when they can no longer attract sex partners of any kind, but even then a person can have a rewarding life of culture, friendship, and fun -- only of a differing variety. But don't rush things. Some guys count themselves out way too early and never know what they're missing!
And there's always that old standby -- five finger exercise!
So, Depressed -- don't be depressed. Even after the sexual age is over, there's still a lot of life to be lived!
Showing posts with label aging issues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label aging issues. Show all posts
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Sexy But Gross
I keep myself in shape, exercise, go to the gym, keep what I think is a nice appearance, don't smell or look like I do, practice good personal and dental hygiene, and have been told I am attractive. Yet when I go to a bar I see men that I find attractive dragging home guys who look like something I might find under my sink -- if I didn't ever clean it that is. I know there's a "bear" movement, but aren't things getting out of hand? And since when did obesity and grossness become sexy? I swear it's not that I'm into pretty boys or think that everyone has to have a handsome face, but have utterly repulsive people become sex objects in the gay male community?
Oh, boy! This is one question I'm going to answer verrrry carefully.
First of all, I wouldn't say that "utterly repulsive people" -- or at least people you find utterly repulsive -- have become sex objects in the gay male community. Rather it's that the boundaries of what's attractive have been stretched quite a bit. It used to be that the only gay men who were [generally] considered attractive, were young, pretty, very slender, with posh apartments, expensive aftershave, manicured nails and not a hair out of place. But this was back in the days when the dominant image of a gay male was a swishy "hairdresser" stereotype. We've come a long way since then, baby! [Although to some people, gay and straight, that's still the dominant gay male image unfortunately.]
The reality is that there are hundreds of thousands of gay men who don't fit into the young, pretty, slenderella stereotype and yet are considered "hot" by many other men. I may not get the appeal of "fat," but there are guys who don't get why some fellows are crazy about my -- and others' -- shaved heads. Some like tattoos, and some find them gross. Hairy bodies versus smooth. Facial hair or none. And so on and so on. As I've often said, there's no accounting for taste.
Still, I do admit that sometimes it seems the envelope is being bent way out of shape. I've heard guys on the way home from the gym wondering why they torture themselves to stay physically fit when so many utterly out of shape guys have their admirers. Some of this has to do with a certain masculine image that goes with a pot belly and hairy chest. [But then how do you explain the attraction of effeminate bears, who do exist?]
Don't know how old you are, but I for one am quite happy that men can still be considered sexy in middle-age and afterward, right?
As for the whole "bear" thing, I'll save that for another post.
In the meantime, I still recommend that you stay in shape, practice good personal hygiene, and all the rest. Ultimately -- and I guess I'm being politically incorrect here, not that I give a damn -- an "attractive," fit-looking man will make out better than a "slovenly" one in most instances.
Oh, boy! This is one question I'm going to answer verrrry carefully.
First of all, I wouldn't say that "utterly repulsive people" -- or at least people you find utterly repulsive -- have become sex objects in the gay male community. Rather it's that the boundaries of what's attractive have been stretched quite a bit. It used to be that the only gay men who were [generally] considered attractive, were young, pretty, very slender, with posh apartments, expensive aftershave, manicured nails and not a hair out of place. But this was back in the days when the dominant image of a gay male was a swishy "hairdresser" stereotype. We've come a long way since then, baby! [Although to some people, gay and straight, that's still the dominant gay male image unfortunately.]
The reality is that there are hundreds of thousands of gay men who don't fit into the young, pretty, slenderella stereotype and yet are considered "hot" by many other men. I may not get the appeal of "fat," but there are guys who don't get why some fellows are crazy about my -- and others' -- shaved heads. Some like tattoos, and some find them gross. Hairy bodies versus smooth. Facial hair or none. And so on and so on. As I've often said, there's no accounting for taste.
Still, I do admit that sometimes it seems the envelope is being bent way out of shape. I've heard guys on the way home from the gym wondering why they torture themselves to stay physically fit when so many utterly out of shape guys have their admirers. Some of this has to do with a certain masculine image that goes with a pot belly and hairy chest. [But then how do you explain the attraction of effeminate bears, who do exist?]
Don't know how old you are, but I for one am quite happy that men can still be considered sexy in middle-age and afterward, right?
As for the whole "bear" thing, I'll save that for another post.
In the meantime, I still recommend that you stay in shape, practice good personal hygiene, and all the rest. Ultimately -- and I guess I'm being politically incorrect here, not that I give a damn -- an "attractive," fit-looking man will make out better than a "slovenly" one in most instances.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Hanging It Up
At what point do you think a man should hang it up, I mean stop cruising, accept that those days are behind him? Is there any specific age, I wonder? Anon.
Given how people live longer today and the "senior" crowd -- gay and straight -- is still sexually active, I don't know if anyone should ever "give it up." It really depends on a lot of factors.
As long as a man is attracting other men to him -- and I don't mean that every head turns when he walks in the door, but that guys do at least on occasion let him know that they're interested -- I see no reason why he should stop cruising, or at least think of himself as "past it." I mean, a man can go to a bar one night and feel invisible, with no one hitting on him, or striking out as he makes passes, but then a week later there are more guys in the bar (or a different bar) who like his specific type, and he finds himself in the position of (nicely) rejecting people. You never know how it's gonna go. Guys, especially as we age, can be very sensitive to this, and one has to remember that even younger, "hotter" guys can have a bad night or a string of them. It's important not to despair.
Some guys of a certain age don't actively cruise. They wait for people to express an interest and now and then may get lucky. Other guys are more aggressive and may or may not be more successful. Some guys just tell themselves that they're over-the-hill and jerk off, or become more or less asexual.
Then there are guys are who really lousy at cruising in bars and do much better on-line. I'd suggest before giving up on cruising/dating/sexual activity entirely, a man should try the on-line dating/sex sites that cater to older men and their admirers, such as silver daddies.
Older men -- especially those who are predominantly attracted to younger guys -- should avoid the pitfalls of cruising in a bar that caters mostly to, say, twenty-somethings. There are young men who like older men (for various reasons) but they tend to go to bars that cater to the middle-aged [and older] crowd. If you do go to a bar full of twenty-somethings, at least go late when they're more likely to be a little snookered and approachable. You may not get laid but at least they'll talk to you!
I have encountered middle-aged men who are fresh out of a twenty-something bar down the block and are miserable as hell, feeling old, rejected and desperate, when the truth is that there are many men their own age who would find them perfectly sexy. Unless a guy is extremely handsome, hot or rich, it's difficult to be in middle age (or older) and be exclusively attracted to much younger men.
There are still a lot of attractive (whatever your taste) older guys out there, and all of us "of a certain age" -- and we are legion -- should take advantage of that fact.
If a man really feels that he is just too old to attract sex partners, he can still enjoy the joys of masturbation, his friends, other activities that add joy to his life.
But remember that I've known guys as old as their seventies who cruise -- in bars -- and are successful at it more often than not.
You just never know.
Given how people live longer today and the "senior" crowd -- gay and straight -- is still sexually active, I don't know if anyone should ever "give it up." It really depends on a lot of factors.
As long as a man is attracting other men to him -- and I don't mean that every head turns when he walks in the door, but that guys do at least on occasion let him know that they're interested -- I see no reason why he should stop cruising, or at least think of himself as "past it." I mean, a man can go to a bar one night and feel invisible, with no one hitting on him, or striking out as he makes passes, but then a week later there are more guys in the bar (or a different bar) who like his specific type, and he finds himself in the position of (nicely) rejecting people. You never know how it's gonna go. Guys, especially as we age, can be very sensitive to this, and one has to remember that even younger, "hotter" guys can have a bad night or a string of them. It's important not to despair.
Some guys of a certain age don't actively cruise. They wait for people to express an interest and now and then may get lucky. Other guys are more aggressive and may or may not be more successful. Some guys just tell themselves that they're over-the-hill and jerk off, or become more or less asexual.
Then there are guys are who really lousy at cruising in bars and do much better on-line. I'd suggest before giving up on cruising/dating/sexual activity entirely, a man should try the on-line dating/sex sites that cater to older men and their admirers, such as silver daddies.
Older men -- especially those who are predominantly attracted to younger guys -- should avoid the pitfalls of cruising in a bar that caters mostly to, say, twenty-somethings. There are young men who like older men (for various reasons) but they tend to go to bars that cater to the middle-aged [and older] crowd. If you do go to a bar full of twenty-somethings, at least go late when they're more likely to be a little snookered and approachable. You may not get laid but at least they'll talk to you!
I have encountered middle-aged men who are fresh out of a twenty-something bar down the block and are miserable as hell, feeling old, rejected and desperate, when the truth is that there are many men their own age who would find them perfectly sexy. Unless a guy is extremely handsome, hot or rich, it's difficult to be in middle age (or older) and be exclusively attracted to much younger men.
There are still a lot of attractive (whatever your taste) older guys out there, and all of us "of a certain age" -- and we are legion -- should take advantage of that fact.
If a man really feels that he is just too old to attract sex partners, he can still enjoy the joys of masturbation, his friends, other activities that add joy to his life.
But remember that I've known guys as old as their seventies who cruise -- in bars -- and are successful at it more often than not.
You just never know.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Getting Quality Time
Your recent post concerning a guy whose lover wanted to party too much rang a bell with me. I am dating a guy who -- while we have good sex -- doesn't seem to want to be alone with me on other occasions. I like this guy very much and I like to spend quality time with him -- talk, watch a movie together etc. -- but he always wants to go out to a club or bar or party. He's very attentive once we get there, I can't complain on that score. But I can't figure out if it's me or if it's him or what. Any advice you could give me would be appreciated. By the way, we are not kids -- we are both in our forties. S.
From what you say it doesn't sound as if he's trying to get away from you. It's a very positive sign that he stays by your side when the two of you go out to a bar or party and that he's not off cruising other guys and ignoring you. He obviously enjoys your company. It's probably just that he's one of those people who really loves to be in the midst of a happy, partying throng. Some guys love going to bars and parties all the time -- socializing is their favorite (second favorite?) sport-- and it has nothing to do with how old they are. A guy who loves bar-hopping and partying at 25 will probably feel the same at 55 and older.
The trouble happens when these guys hook up with guys who are essentially homebodies. There's nothing wrong with that, but it can cause friction when one guy wants to stay home and snuggle in front of the TV every night and his boyfriend wants to party hearty all the time.
Another, less positive possibility is that maybe he feels that the two of you -- once the great sex is over -- don't have a lot to talk about so he likes to be in a crowd when he's with you. And you're probably thinking that the two of you won't ever find out how much you may have to talk about if you're never alone to have a one-on-one conversation.
Bring this up to him in a pleasant, non-judgmental manner. Never tell him that he's too old to go out and have fun because a.) that's not true at any age and b.) it's the quickest way to turn him off both in and out of the bedroom.
There is this feeling that we're all supposed to sit home all the time once we reach a "certain" age -- whatever that may be -- but that's never made any sense to me. On the other hand, I can also understand how a man in his forties is ready (and probably has been ready for some time, eh?) to settle down. He wants, as you put it, to not only have quality time with his man but to have his man desire the same thing.
Relationships are all about compromise. Be glad you've got a live wire and not someone you have to talk into going out. Am I wrong that you have a good time yourself, especially with this guy at your side?
In other words, go out, have fun, have great sex when you get home, and in the late morning go to brunch at a place where you're unlikely to run into friends.
And talk.
Even party boys like to stay home now and then and cuddle on the sofa in front of a good movie.
Suggest taking some trips (not to places like Provincetown or other party cities!) to scenic areas -- maybe camping or a trip to a lonely beach. Even a trip to the zoo or the aquarium (without friends along) might give you some time alone with the guy. In between looking at the seals, washing sand out of your toes, or folding up your (one) sleeping bag you might discover wonderful new things about each other.
The two of you are only in the dating stage; I sense no commitment has been made on either side. But that may change in the future. Good Luck, baby!
From what you say it doesn't sound as if he's trying to get away from you. It's a very positive sign that he stays by your side when the two of you go out to a bar or party and that he's not off cruising other guys and ignoring you. He obviously enjoys your company. It's probably just that he's one of those people who really loves to be in the midst of a happy, partying throng. Some guys love going to bars and parties all the time -- socializing is their favorite (second favorite?) sport-- and it has nothing to do with how old they are. A guy who loves bar-hopping and partying at 25 will probably feel the same at 55 and older.
The trouble happens when these guys hook up with guys who are essentially homebodies. There's nothing wrong with that, but it can cause friction when one guy wants to stay home and snuggle in front of the TV every night and his boyfriend wants to party hearty all the time.
Another, less positive possibility is that maybe he feels that the two of you -- once the great sex is over -- don't have a lot to talk about so he likes to be in a crowd when he's with you. And you're probably thinking that the two of you won't ever find out how much you may have to talk about if you're never alone to have a one-on-one conversation.
Bring this up to him in a pleasant, non-judgmental manner. Never tell him that he's too old to go out and have fun because a.) that's not true at any age and b.) it's the quickest way to turn him off both in and out of the bedroom.
There is this feeling that we're all supposed to sit home all the time once we reach a "certain" age -- whatever that may be -- but that's never made any sense to me. On the other hand, I can also understand how a man in his forties is ready (and probably has been ready for some time, eh?) to settle down. He wants, as you put it, to not only have quality time with his man but to have his man desire the same thing.
Relationships are all about compromise. Be glad you've got a live wire and not someone you have to talk into going out. Am I wrong that you have a good time yourself, especially with this guy at your side?
In other words, go out, have fun, have great sex when you get home, and in the late morning go to brunch at a place where you're unlikely to run into friends.
And talk.
Even party boys like to stay home now and then and cuddle on the sofa in front of a good movie.
Suggest taking some trips (not to places like Provincetown or other party cities!) to scenic areas -- maybe camping or a trip to a lonely beach. Even a trip to the zoo or the aquarium (without friends along) might give you some time alone with the guy. In between looking at the seals, washing sand out of your toes, or folding up your (one) sleeping bag you might discover wonderful new things about each other.
The two of you are only in the dating stage; I sense no commitment has been made on either side. But that may change in the future. Good Luck, baby!
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Mature Action
I'm a fifty-four-year-old gay man who thought that all the fun was behind him, but I've put myself out there -- on line and in bars -- and am having more sex today than I did twenty years ago. My God -- I get laid practically every time I go out, and I can't believe how many men contact me on gay dating sites for older men. Even guys twenty years younger! I'm not so special but apparently there's someone for everyone. I try to play safe at all times, of course. I'm just here to say that there definitely is gay life for those of us who are fifty and beyond. Brian
Brian, I'm not sure if you're asking a question or just bragging, you little devil, LOL. Seriously, you've hit the nail on the head. Of course there's more to "gay life" than sex, but sex is certainly a big part of it. Good for you! I think younger people might be less depressed about getting older if they knew that the, ahem, joys of life continue even in middle and senior years, and this is true for straights as well as gays. As for "trying to play safe," don't just try -- do it! HIV and other SDT infection is rising in men above the age of 50, the downside of all that action. But that's no reason to take alarm. Use condoms (even if you're a top), shower within thirty minutes after sex, avoid risky behavior, get yourself tested regularly, and it's not a bad idea to get to know a potential sex partner first and find out about his sexual history if you can. You can be safe and have a great time as well! I'm looking forward to my fifties, which are rapidly approaching. Way to go, guy!
Brian, I'm not sure if you're asking a question or just bragging, you little devil, LOL. Seriously, you've hit the nail on the head. Of course there's more to "gay life" than sex, but sex is certainly a big part of it. Good for you! I think younger people might be less depressed about getting older if they knew that the, ahem, joys of life continue even in middle and senior years, and this is true for straights as well as gays. As for "trying to play safe," don't just try -- do it! HIV and other SDT infection is rising in men above the age of 50, the downside of all that action. But that's no reason to take alarm. Use condoms (even if you're a top), shower within thirty minutes after sex, avoid risky behavior, get yourself tested regularly, and it's not a bad idea to get to know a potential sex partner first and find out about his sexual history if you can. You can be safe and have a great time as well! I'm looking forward to my fifties, which are rapidly approaching. Way to go, guy!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)