Mature Action

I'm a fifty-four-year-old gay man who thought that all the fun was behind him, but I've put myself out there -- on line and in bars -- and am having more sex today than I did twenty years ago. My God -- I get laid practically every time I go out, and I can't believe how many men contact me on gay dating sites for older men. Even guys twenty years younger! I'm not so special but apparently there's someone for everyone. I try to play safe at all times, of course. I'm just here to say that there definitely is gay life for those of us who are fifty and beyond. Brian

Brian, I'm not sure if you're asking a question or just bragging, you little devil, LOL. Seriously, you've hit the nail on the head. Of course there's more to "gay life" than sex, but sex is certainly a big part of it. Good for you! I think younger people might be less depressed about getting older if they knew that the, ahem, joys of life continue even in middle and senior years, and this is true for straights as well as gays. As for "trying to play safe," don't just try -- do it! HIV and other SDT infection is rising in men above the age of 50, the downside of all that action. But that's no reason to take alarm. Use condoms (even if you're a top), shower within thirty minutes after sex, avoid risky behavior, get yourself tested regularly, and it's not a bad idea to get to know a potential sex partner first and find out about his sexual history if you can. You can be safe and have a great time as well! I'm looking forward to my fifties, which are rapidly approaching. Way to go, guy!

A Kiss Ain't Just a Kiss

I'm seeing a guy that I really like and we have pretty good sex, but he doesn't seem to be into kissing which is a big disappointment, as it's one of my favorite things to do. I practice good dental hygiene -- in fact that's my profession -- so I know my breath isn't the problem. He knows of my dissatisfaction but all I can ever get is a quick peck now and then. I'm torn between thinking it's just not what he's into and I'll have to accept it and thinking that he's just not into me that much, and I have to accept that, too. How come some guys don't like to kiss? JM.

There are several possible explanations for this. Surprisingly, kissing -- two faces so close together, your tongues possibly intertwining -- is perhaps even more intimate than other sexual practices. This guy may have a problem with intimacy. Ironically, some guys find it easier to fellate a guy than kiss him, especially if -- as you yourself suggested -- they're not that "into" you (not saying that's the case here). This fellow may have an intimacy issue, or for whatever reason he just may not be turned on by kissing. Maybe he's afraid that he has bad breath. But there's another possiblity you'll have to explore.

Do you just have sex with this guy or do you actually go out on dates? Is there any romance in the relationship? And if there is, is it strictly one-sided (your feelings for him, of course)? There are men who can't kiss a guy because it's too "romantic." Men are strictly sex objects to them because of their internalized homophobia. Only "fags" kiss, their conscious or sub-conscious mind tells them. As long as they remain emotionally detached, they can't be homosexual -- or so they think. Which means he's dealing with deeper issues than kissing and could probably use some counseling. (Some of these men self-identify -- rightly or wrongly -- as bisexual, while others see themselves -- wrongly -- as being "straight.")

You might broach the subject with him. If his problem is as described in the second paragraph, he'll probably reveal it as the conversation proceeds. Ask yourself realistically if you can ever see him accepting himself. If the answer is no, then move on. There are other monkeys in the barrel, baby! Besides, who doesn't want somebody who's a great kisser?!