The Big Kiss-Off?

All my boyfriend ever wants to do is smooch, smooch,smooch, but when I try to do something a little bit sexier, y'know fellatio, analism, he backs off. We get naked, and we make out -- and that's it! He seems very, very attracted to me as I am to him, but I can't figure out why he doesn't want to have sex. When I put it to him he just says, "I really like kissing." Forget about a blow job, he won't even touch my dick. I just can't figure out what's going on? Am I with the wrong guy?

Don't jump to conclusions. There are people who prefer kissing over everything else, but I'd be willing to bet that this guy simply wants to stick to very safe sex. However, the fact that he won't even indulge in mutual masturbation -- totally safe -- is a little odd. It may be that he has an abnormal fear of AIDS [safe -- or at least safer -- sex can include other things besides kissing], or perhaps he's HIV positive and can't bring himself to tell you. [For the record it's very unlikely that HIV can be spread via kissing unless both parties have bleeding gums. Even then it's not a given, just a possibility. Contact GMHC -- Gay Men's Health Crisis -- if you have more questions.]

I suggest you sit down and put the question to him, no matter how awkward it may be. Even if he is HIV positive, you can still enjoy safe sex with one another.

But remember, some people are really into kissing. Enjoy!

A Kiss Ain't Just a Kiss

I'm seeing a guy that I really like and we have pretty good sex, but he doesn't seem to be into kissing which is a big disappointment, as it's one of my favorite things to do. I practice good dental hygiene -- in fact that's my profession -- so I know my breath isn't the problem. He knows of my dissatisfaction but all I can ever get is a quick peck now and then. I'm torn between thinking it's just not what he's into and I'll have to accept it and thinking that he's just not into me that much, and I have to accept that, too. How come some guys don't like to kiss? JM.

There are several possible explanations for this. Surprisingly, kissing -- two faces so close together, your tongues possibly intertwining -- is perhaps even more intimate than other sexual practices. This guy may have a problem with intimacy. Ironically, some guys find it easier to fellate a guy than kiss him, especially if -- as you yourself suggested -- they're not that "into" you (not saying that's the case here). This fellow may have an intimacy issue, or for whatever reason he just may not be turned on by kissing. Maybe he's afraid that he has bad breath. But there's another possiblity you'll have to explore.

Do you just have sex with this guy or do you actually go out on dates? Is there any romance in the relationship? And if there is, is it strictly one-sided (your feelings for him, of course)? There are men who can't kiss a guy because it's too "romantic." Men are strictly sex objects to them because of their internalized homophobia. Only "fags" kiss, their conscious or sub-conscious mind tells them. As long as they remain emotionally detached, they can't be homosexual -- or so they think. Which means he's dealing with deeper issues than kissing and could probably use some counseling. (Some of these men self-identify -- rightly or wrongly -- as bisexual, while others see themselves -- wrongly -- as being "straight.")

You might broach the subject with him. If his problem is as described in the second paragraph, he'll probably reveal it as the conversation proceeds. Ask yourself realistically if you can ever see him accepting himself. If the answer is no, then move on. There are other monkeys in the barrel, baby! Besides, who doesn't want somebody who's a great kisser?!