Daddies -- or not!

What exactly is a daddy? I'm completely confused as to how old a man is supposed to be before he's considered a daddy? Thank you. 

The term "daddy" was originally meant to be a gay man who was also a senior citizen, that is a man who is either retired or on social security, early to mid-sixties or older. It was separate from the term "sugar daddy" -- a man with bucks who supports a young man -- although the two can sometimes be the same. 

Now the term "daddy" has pretty much become meaningless and simply means an older man. This doesn't necessarily mean middle-aged, either. On the gay dating site Daddyhunt the "daddies" often look like 32-year-old porn stars (and often are). But guys in their twenties think of these thirty-somethings as "older men" -- in other words, daddies. Of course this is ridiculous. The site Silver Daddies and some well-known "bear" sites actually feature attractive mature men -- mature meaning at least forty and frequently older, including seniors -- but Daddyhunt is pretty much just a silly marketing tool. It's from the same people as Manhunt and isn't much different. 

I imagine in time the whole "daddy" concept will go back to what it meant originally. In any case, it's just another indication of age discrimination -- the truly older guy can't get a break. 

32-year-old "daddies" indeed!

Dating Sites for Big Guys

Dr. Bill, I am a larger guy. I am also very honest and do not want to hide things. I have decided to be upfront in my profile about my body size. This is usually one of the first things we discuss if we talk over the phone. Should I change this? I believe this is one thing that will come out especially if we meet. If my body size is going to be a deal breaker I feel this should be shared up front. I am very discouraged and feel like giving up. I have tried several dating sites with no luck. If you know of any sites that cater to older (59) men who are large I certainly would appreciate your help. Thanks.

Never give up! I have to say right off the bat that I am always seeing large guys -- be they a bit [or a lot] chubby or simply big and tall men -- being cruised in bars [especially bear bars], so I know there are plenty of admirers for larger men. And yes, even older larger men.

Be upfront about your size on any web sites. Some guys are positively turned on by large men. I used to be a lot heavier than I am now and I was always amazed at the guys who seemed to be turned on by my sheer bulk or by my belly. [When I lost weight I used to joke that I'll lose all my boyfriends, but luckily that didn't happen. There's someone for every size!]

If you lie and say that you're thin or small or what-have-you, the truth will come out when you meet face to face, so what's the point? As I say, I believe there are enough men who are into big guys of any age that there will hopefully be men who are interested.

Check your profile and see if there are any other things that might be a problem. While honesty is always the best policy, you don't have to tell them everything!

I find that big men are much admired in the bear community. Even if you're not a hairy, bearded bear type, you can still find admirers. [If hairy guys are a turn-off to you, I can also tell you that many bear sites also have smooth-skinned men on them].

You might have tried some of these sites already:

BiggerCity, the web site for gay chubby men and their admirers. And there are similar sites if you google.

Silver Daddies for older men and the men who admire them. Recommended. Lots of older guys, big guys, chubby guys etc. Something for every taste.

Bearwww.com for bears and bear admirers of all ages, types and sizes.

Bear411 Ditto. As I say, big men are appreciated in bear culture.

Good Luck!

Hanging It Up

At what point do you think a man should hang it up, I mean stop cruising, accept that those days are behind him? Is there any specific age, I wonder? Anon.

Given how people live longer today and the "senior" crowd -- gay and straight -- is still sexually active, I don't know if anyone should ever "give it up." It really depends on a lot of factors.

As long as a man is attracting other men to him -- and I don't mean that every head turns when he walks in the door, but that guys do at least on occasion let him know that they're interested -- I see no reason why he should stop cruising, or at least think of himself as "past it." I mean, a man can go to a bar one night and feel invisible, with no one hitting on him, or striking out as he makes passes, but then a week later there are more guys in the bar (or a different bar) who like his specific type, and he finds himself in the position of (nicely) rejecting people. You never know how it's gonna go. Guys, especially as we age, can be very sensitive to this, and one has to remember that even younger, "hotter" guys can have a bad night or a string of them. It's important not to despair.

Some guys of a certain age don't actively cruise. They wait for people to express an interest and now and then may get lucky. Other guys are more aggressive and may or may not be more successful. Some guys just tell themselves that they're over-the-hill and jerk off, or become more or less asexual.

Then there are guys are who really lousy at cruising in bars and do much better on-line. I'd suggest before giving up on cruising/dating/sexual activity entirely, a man should try the on-line dating/sex sites that cater to older men and their admirers, such as silver daddies.

Older men -- especially those who are predominantly attracted to younger guys -- should avoid the pitfalls of cruising in a bar that caters mostly to, say, twenty-somethings. There are young men who like older men (for various reasons) but they tend to go to bars that cater to the middle-aged [and older] crowd. If you do go to a bar full of twenty-somethings, at least go late when they're more likely to be a little snookered and approachable. You may not get laid but at least they'll talk to you!

I have encountered middle-aged men who are fresh out of a twenty-something bar down the block and are miserable as hell, feeling old, rejected and desperate, when the truth is that there are many men their own age who would find them perfectly sexy. Unless a guy is extremely handsome, hot or rich, it's difficult to be in middle age (or older) and be exclusively attracted to much younger men.

There are still a lot of attractive (whatever your taste) older guys out there, and all of us "of a certain age" -- and we are legion -- should take advantage of that fact.

If a man really feels that he is just too old to attract sex partners, he can still enjoy the joys of masturbation, his friends, other activities that add joy to his life.

But remember that I've known guys as old as their seventies who cruise -- in bars -- and are successful at it more often than not.

You just never know.