Low Market Value

Hello Dr. Bill,

Good wishes to you.

To start off with, I am 23 years old. I am bisexual and for 5 months I am into a relationship with a 54 year old man. We connected on dating site. He is married, lives with his family. First, I love my man a lot. Not just because of his looks but because of his good human nature.This is my first serious relationship with any mature man; previously I had one night stand with few oldies. My man also had and still has relationships with his young friends (all are older than me).

Past 5 months has been really good with few ups and downs between us. To be frank I am fond of him, there was a time when he was the epicenter of all the thoughts in my mind. I love him a lot, always miss him. I call him everyday in the morning to hear his voice. When we started dating each other, he was very enthusiastic and kept on flirting with me, kept messaging me after every two hours and we have indulged in each other physically multiple times in the last 5 months.

But gradually I felt that his intensity in me has been decreasing. Now his messages are confined just from Good Morning to Good Night.  He rarely calls me. I had confessed this to him about reduction in intensity, to which he explained that the intensity is bound to change but his love for me will never change. To an extent I do agree that yes we have to act as per the situation around us and intensity will keep changing.

Another thing is that he is habitually seeking other young guys on dating sites, which is not an issue for me but I feel that this is one of the reasons where his intensity for why our relation has been reduced. Another issue is his ex. My man has just come out from break up with his ex. He keeps telling me that I have many similarities that his ex and myself possess. Sometimes I feel that he is using me to overcome his feelings for his ex and keeps missing him. I don’t the have guts to express this to my man.

The other issue I am facing is I am scared of losing him !! I feel I am in a situation where I am not able to express my feelings to my man or something is pulling me back from expressing myself to him. He knows I am very emotional for him and also understands me because of his experience. I keep on thinking about him all the time but now it is affecting me because I feel he doesn’t reciprocate my feelings.

Yes he loves me too and he also has feelings for me. But I am getting that sensation that he wants to depart from me and I am not getting that sense of belonging to him. I don't want to lose him, he is a really good human being and knows me really well, but I am feeling helpless right now. I cannot meet him for one month as we both are keeping busy work schedules and he has family functions which he can’t avoid.

Kindly advise me how should I proceed further? I am really confused and scared and feeling helpless.

Thank you in advance.

Okay, I'm going to be painfully blunt with you. You are in your early twenties. The man you are involved with is thirty years older, has a wife and children, a male ex on top of it, and looks for sex with other men on the Internet. You have to understand that there is no way I can at this time recommend this man to you as a serious partner, if that is what you are hoping for. Even if I could get past the age difference, there are so many other issues ...!

For one thing, he is in a relationship, however real or phony it may be. You've heard the old saying, "they never leave their wives." Well, in most cases they don't. This guy at least thinks he has the best of both worlds -- he has the wife and kids to show off to the world and continually cheats on his wife with much, much younger men.  Possibly he keeps all of you on a string so he can get as much sex as he can. I hate to say it, but guys like this generally not only cheat on their wives but cheat on the men they see on the side, no matter what they tell you. 

On occasion you may meet an older man who is anxious to come out, falls for a younger guy, and may want to break up with the wife and live with the man he's fallen for, but do you honestly see that happening with this guy? Especially as he has all these "family functions" he is devoted to. More than once you describe this guy as a "good human being." Let's see -- he cheats on his wife on a regular basis; continually uses young men who fall for him for sex..., Frankly, I see him as having very low market value.

I suspect that, if you are bisexual, you lean far to the gay side. What you deserve is a man, closer to your own age, that you can have a long-time committed relationship with. You are still very young, so it may be much too early to think of committing to anyone, but I do remember how attached young guys can get to the closeted older men who may have romantic feelings for them but are chiefly interested in sex.

In other words, you can do better. It's okay if you are attracted to older men -- although the mid-fifties is a bit too old for you, in my opinion -- but at least it should be a guy who is not married with a family.  There's a reason why this guy has an ex-boyfriend. Probably because the ex realized he had no future with this guy and that he would never leave his wife. This married man chose to lead a supposed "straight" life but now wants to have his cake and eat it too, and in the long run I don't think he gives a damn about his wife, his ex, or you.

I realize what I'm telling you may be very painful, but at your age you can and will meet someone more appropriate for you. Most young gay/bi men do run into guys like this, but the good news is we do get over them!

Guy Only Wants Older Guys

Hey Dr. Bill, 

I’m 23 years old and I’m coming to realize that I find men physically attractive, but ONLY older guys. It’s not the age that attracts me, but the masculine characteristics that come with age. For example, I’ve always been obsessed with facial hair, body hair, and male hair loss. A handsome 40-year-old man who is losing his hair, has a thick beard, and is covered in body hair is the most beautiful thing in the world to me.

I am a very masculine-acting individual, and no one would guess that I'm gay. I secretly wish that I will go bald and become hairier to resemble what I find attractive, but it seems so at-odds with the desires of the gay community. It’s like these traits I find attractive are found to be disgusting by most others....it makes me feel like a freak.  What’s worse is this attraction is exclusive...young guys and women don’t interest me at all, plus I am not interested in anal sex either!

Is this what it means to be a bear? Or can my attraction to men evolve over time to include other kinds of guys as well as anal? At 23, having my friends and family see me with a man old enough to be my father makes me feel incredibly guilty and shameful.

Sorry if this question's dumb, I'm only just coming to terms with these things and had to get this out to somebody.

Not a dumb question. And there's nothing to feel guilty or shameful about. But I do have a few questions of my own. There's nothing wrong with dating or even having a long-term relationship with an older man, but you do realize that there are guys in their twenties who are hairy, masculine, and who have receding hairlines? [I myself was pretty much bald before I even hit thirty.] So I think that age must have to be a factor with you. In other words, you might have a "daddy" complex. And if you are not a bear [cub], you are definitely a bear-chaser.

First, about bears, or hairy, generally mustachioed or bearded, often non-stereotypical gay men: Yes, gay men outside the bear community do not find the traits you admire to be attractive. To hell with them! Within the very huge bear community you would not be considered a freak nor your desires disgusting.

Now as for daddies. A daddy used to be a mature gay man, a senior citizen in his sixties, but now it simply means older, which means a guy in his late thirties can be a daddy if his boyfriend is in his twenties. There are men who are attracted to [some] older men, simply because they like their looks and don't care that they happen to be older. But generally these guys also like men their own age. If you're strictly into older guys it could be for different reasons.

Some younger guys pursue older men because they didn't have a good relationship with their fathers. No, this doesn't mean they want to have sex with their dads but they feel they missed out on that special father/son relationship and they might be able to get that with an older man -- along with something extra, of course. Some men prefer older guys because they feel the competition will be less formidable; they may have low self-esteem. Some men like older guys as a sort of fetish. Sex is okay but a long-term relationship is out of the question.

None of these may apply to you, of course. But for now I wouldn't worry about it. When I was your age I was not even remotely attracted to bald or balding men, but now -- bald myself -- I tend to go for guys with shaved heads and goatees. Certainly not my cup of java when I was in my twenties. So your tastes may evolve over the years.

Some people just aren't into anal sex, top or bottom. Some gay guys don't even like to suck dick. Everybody's different. So don't worry about it. [Remember, if you ever try anal sex do it with someone you trust and use condoms!]

So date older men if you like. But someday you might want someone to grow older with, so don't dismiss guys your own age out of hand. Some may have the very qualities that you're looking for. Remember hairy daddies didn't become hairy overnight, but were that way all of their lives!