Back in Action

I've been answering many questions via email during the past few weeks but not posting on the blog as often as I'd like, as I've been dealing with everything from power failures and hurricanes here in New York with the duties of being a caregiver -- not to mention wrapping up a new book. But please keep the questions coming, and I'll answer them -- generally in a blog post -- as quickly as possible. Thanks for reading!

Hacked or Lying?

Hi, I really need your advise. I went to go on my email account & my partners email account popped up and there were a few emails from gay websites. I sent an email to them saying i had forgot my password & got the password & went onto the site & there was a profile using his middle name & nickname, there was no photo, there was a little comment written that i wont repeat. I totally freaked out & went and showed him and asked him what was going on & he totally denied it & said someone else had done it & he knew nothing about it, he said he must have been hacked, I might have let it go even though i was completely suss, but a few weeks before this i saw in the history of our brand new lap top that someone had gone to the exact same gay matchmaking website, i just thought maybe it had been clicked on by mistake or something but then when i found the emails & the profile i new something wasn't right, he keeps saying he doesn't know how the history got onto the computer & that he didn't go on any site & that i should trust him & forget about it, but i cant! I don't know what to do, It's not possible for history to just appear in a computer?? and why would someone else make a profile for him?? i need some advise please 

Well, you're right that this web site wouldn't magically appear on a computer's history without someone  who's using the laptop having gone to that site. Unless there's some elaborate plot against your boyfriend, it's likely that he knows more than he's telling. [If someone wanted to create a fake account for him, they would probably have included a photo, assuming he has some posted on line, like on Facebook.] If he had come up with some explanation, however, bizarre, it would have been better than his complete denial. 

A "bi-curious" man is someone who is living a straight lifestyle who is secretly wondering if he might be gay, or at least bisexual. The problem for the women these guys get involved with is that it's hard for them [and even the guy] to know exactly what their preference is, and what straight woman wants to invest years in a relationship with a guy who may come totally out of the closet at any moment.

Your boyfriend may not necessarily think of himself as gay or bi just yet, so he clearly isn't ready to talk about it with you. Yet it's obviously something the two of you have to address at some point. If he's actively pursuing men at gay web sites, and even having sex with men, you need to know about it. [Some of these guys think it isn't cheating if their partners are male!] Closeted men looking for sex with other guys often don't post their photos on these web sites, but they can include photos in the site's private message system or in emails they send to the members. Now that he knows you're on to him, he's probably going to stay away from the site, so it will be harder to see exactly how he responds to messages from other members.

At some point you will have to sit him down in a non-judgmental way and ask him if he's struggling with his sexual identity. Be understanding and sympathetic, but firm. This affects your life as well as his. If he's gay [or a bi man whose preference is definitely men, which is the usual scenario], he needs to acknowledge it for both of your sakes so you can both move on and be happy. It's often hard for women in these situations to let go -- and they always have my sympathies -- but it's generally for the best.