Hope this question isn't too frivolous for you, Dr. Bill. I'm a straight woman whose been friends for years with two guys who have been lovers for over fifteen years. They broke up only a few months ago but I've remained friends with them and even tried to get them back together -- however, now they don't even want to be in the same room together, it's that bad. I'm having a big fiftieth birthday bash in a couple of months and want both of them there; I still love both of them. Some of my friends, gay and straight, tell me that I just can't invite both of them -- they will fight with each other, get angry at me, and the whole thing will become a big mess. What can I do? A.
First, thanks for your question. There's nothing "frivolous" about it. [You should see some of the questions I get.] When a couple -- gay or straight -- breaks up, it's always difficult to stay friends with both and it's admirable that you've managed to do just that. Is there really a danger that they will fight if they encounter each other at your birthday bash? Do they both realize that you have remained friends with the other, or do they each think that you've "chosen sides?" If so, you've got to level with them and ask them both to be reasonable. This is your big day -- congratulations, by the way -- and if they're really friends of yours they won't want to spoil it. If one or both expect you to choose sides, tell them they're being unfair. Again the key word here is reasonable. If they can't behave in a reasonable fashion, then maybe your only choice is not to invite either of them. (I suspect that they might be big "drama queens," eh? Maybe not.)
A lot depends on where you're having this bash and how many people will be there. Obviously these two men cannot avoid each other if you're having a sit-down dinner or small party with only a few people in your living room. If you're having a larger group in, say, a restaurant, maybe they can stay in neutral corners and out of each other's way.
Talk to them, tell them how you feel, tell them you want both of them there. Understand that if they really hate the idea of seeing one another -- it may simply cause too much pain or anger --one or both may decide not to attend and at least then it will no longer be a problem. You may miss their presence on this special evening, but at least you won't be on edge all night fearing an explosion. Hopefully, they will both decide that their friendship for you is more important than whatever animosity they may feel for each other, but when couples break up after many years, the animosity may sometimes be too big to overcome. At least for awhile.
Hope it works out and have a great night!
Monday, January 28, 2008
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Bi -- or Married Homo?
I'm a gay man who's been seeing another man who turned out to my astonishment to be a friend of my brother and sister-in-law's. He works as a carpenter and was at their house the same time I was. I was delighted to see him but he pretended that I was confusing him with somebody else! I was hurt and shocked. It turns out that he's married and in the closet. I confronted him days later in a bar, told him to lose my number, and he said he was all confused and bisexual, as if asking for sympathy. He's been cheating on his wife and lying to me for months. Should I bother with him anymore? And is he really bi or just kidding himself? Anon.
Whatever one thinks of the realities or unrealities of bisexuality, there's a big difference between an openly bisexual man who marries a woman (who knows that he's also attracted to men) and a married homosexual who is only bi in the technical sense -- he sleeps with his wife and has children but is innately homosexual (he sleeps with men, and generally only men, behind his wife's back). Today, many guys who are clearly in the latter category are calling themselves bi, hoping this will make them seem all hip and up-to-date instead of the pathetic closeted dinosaurs they really are. Not having met your carpenter I can't say for certain, but his reaction upon meeting you at your brother's house seems pretty much to tell the story. I mean, pretending he was somebody else!
I'm sorry if you were developing feelings for this man. Maybe he was developing feelings for you and is mulling over his married status and may want to come out and be with you. But if he hasn't said so, don't assume it. Some guys in his position finally get the strength to break free of a constrictive heterosexual relationship when they fall in love with a guy, but others can't give up the wife and family or the straight veneer no matter what -- if your carpenter is in that category, then you've done the right thing by moving on. If he's genuinely bisexual -- a big if, in this case -- then he's just a bi swinger and probably has no reason to, or intention of, ever leaving the wife. In any case, how can you ever trust a man who never bothered to tell you he was married and has, as you say, been lying to you -- and his wife -- for not only months but (in her case) probably years.
If he doesn't indicate an honest, sincere desire to come out and be with you, wish him well and blow him off!
Good luck!
Whatever one thinks of the realities or unrealities of bisexuality, there's a big difference between an openly bisexual man who marries a woman (who knows that he's also attracted to men) and a married homosexual who is only bi in the technical sense -- he sleeps with his wife and has children but is innately homosexual (he sleeps with men, and generally only men, behind his wife's back). Today, many guys who are clearly in the latter category are calling themselves bi, hoping this will make them seem all hip and up-to-date instead of the pathetic closeted dinosaurs they really are. Not having met your carpenter I can't say for certain, but his reaction upon meeting you at your brother's house seems pretty much to tell the story. I mean, pretending he was somebody else!
I'm sorry if you were developing feelings for this man. Maybe he was developing feelings for you and is mulling over his married status and may want to come out and be with you. But if he hasn't said so, don't assume it. Some guys in his position finally get the strength to break free of a constrictive heterosexual relationship when they fall in love with a guy, but others can't give up the wife and family or the straight veneer no matter what -- if your carpenter is in that category, then you've done the right thing by moving on. If he's genuinely bisexual -- a big if, in this case -- then he's just a bi swinger and probably has no reason to, or intention of, ever leaving the wife. In any case, how can you ever trust a man who never bothered to tell you he was married and has, as you say, been lying to you -- and his wife -- for not only months but (in her case) probably years.
If he doesn't indicate an honest, sincere desire to come out and be with you, wish him well and blow him off!
Good luck!
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Coming Out to Parents in Middle-Age
I have a gay friend who is in his fifties but still hasn't told his parents he's gay. He says he doesn't want to hurt them. Is it really possible that they don't already know he's gay? R.J.
Improbable but not impossible. They can be in as much denial as some gay people are about themselves, and if their son doesn't conform to any of the usual stereotypes ... I myself have met some older men who are in the closet as far as their parents are concerned, and I confess I think it's a little ridiculous. I mean, most of these guys haven't been on a date with a woman in thirty years, have never had a girlfriend -- most parents aren't stupid. It never occurs to these guys that their parents already suspect they're gay and just want to know that they're happy. If your friend's real problem is that he isn't happy, suggest he get some counseling, or get some Out and Proud friends together to give him a pep talk and realize he can't blame all of his problems -- which everyone has -- on being gay.
The fact is that a lot of these guys don't come out to their parents not because they fear their parents can't take it, or that they'll be "hurt" -- what nonsense -- but because they're dealing with internalized homophobia. It's not about the parents -- it's about them.
Improbable but not impossible. They can be in as much denial as some gay people are about themselves, and if their son doesn't conform to any of the usual stereotypes ... I myself have met some older men who are in the closet as far as their parents are concerned, and I confess I think it's a little ridiculous. I mean, most of these guys haven't been on a date with a woman in thirty years, have never had a girlfriend -- most parents aren't stupid. It never occurs to these guys that their parents already suspect they're gay and just want to know that they're happy. If your friend's real problem is that he isn't happy, suggest he get some counseling, or get some Out and Proud friends together to give him a pep talk and realize he can't blame all of his problems -- which everyone has -- on being gay.
The fact is that a lot of these guys don't come out to their parents not because they fear their parents can't take it, or that they'll be "hurt" -- what nonsense -- but because they're dealing with internalized homophobia. It's not about the parents -- it's about them.
Doomed Infatuation
I fear my friend is heading down a dark path. He has become very good friends -- or so he says -- with a much younger man who identifies as straight. My friend says his feelings for this younger man are strictly platonic, but the way he goes on about him it is very clear that he is smitten. I believe the young man is deeply conflicted and in any case will ultimately never allow any older gay man to become too close to him; the possibility of any real relationship is remote. I'm afraid my friend is going to get very hurt but I don't know what to do about it. George.
Sometimes, sadly, there isn't anything you can do about it. If he's in a deep denial about his true feelings for this young man -- or if he just won't talk about it honestly with you -- then there's not a lot you can do. I suspect that you've tried to draw him out on the subject, but he resists. Hopefully as he becomes ever more infatuated he'll turn to his friends for comfort and advice. The best thing you can probably do is be there for him when the ultimate letdown arrives. You're right that young, conflicted men often turn on the older gay men that have been there for them (sometimes out of their own needs, admittedly) and it's never very pretty. A good friend who will listen and help build up his self-esteem, reminding him that there are people who care about him even if his "beloved" does not, will provide some sort of comfort and support.
In the meantime, introduce him to some gay guys his own age who might take his mind off the conflicted pup. The easiest way to get over an infatuation is to meet someone new who can play back your feelings instead of constantly pining for the unattainable.
Sometimes, sadly, there isn't anything you can do about it. If he's in a deep denial about his true feelings for this young man -- or if he just won't talk about it honestly with you -- then there's not a lot you can do. I suspect that you've tried to draw him out on the subject, but he resists. Hopefully as he becomes ever more infatuated he'll turn to his friends for comfort and advice. The best thing you can probably do is be there for him when the ultimate letdown arrives. You're right that young, conflicted men often turn on the older gay men that have been there for them (sometimes out of their own needs, admittedly) and it's never very pretty. A good friend who will listen and help build up his self-esteem, reminding him that there are people who care about him even if his "beloved" does not, will provide some sort of comfort and support.
In the meantime, introduce him to some gay guys his own age who might take his mind off the conflicted pup. The easiest way to get over an infatuation is to meet someone new who can play back your feelings instead of constantly pining for the unattainable.
Gay Parties
How come gay people throw the best parties? Bicurious.
Do we? Well, I remember years ago some Caucasian friends saying that African-Americans "really know how to party" and, therefore, they threw the best parties, and I've heard the same thing said about other minority groups. It's not meant as an insult but it can be a little patronizing. I suppose some gay people say that gays throw the best parties as a simple expression of gay pride. Some straight people might think that gay parties are better because gays (some gays, I hasten to add) are more "fabulous" and colorful, and therefore more "fun". It's generally meant in a positive way but it can be awfully condescending.
Of course some straight-identified, conflicted individuals say gay people throw the best parties simply so they can explain what the hell they were doing at a gay party in the first place!
Do we? Well, I remember years ago some Caucasian friends saying that African-Americans "really know how to party" and, therefore, they threw the best parties, and I've heard the same thing said about other minority groups. It's not meant as an insult but it can be a little patronizing. I suppose some gay people say that gays throw the best parties as a simple expression of gay pride. Some straight people might think that gay parties are better because gays (some gays, I hasten to add) are more "fabulous" and colorful, and therefore more "fun". It's generally meant in a positive way but it can be awfully condescending.
Of course some straight-identified, conflicted individuals say gay people throw the best parties simply so they can explain what the hell they were doing at a gay party in the first place!
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Gay-Friendly Homophobia
I am a gay man whose best friend for many years is straight. He just found out his son is gay and he isn't dealing with it very well. Frankly, I'm flabbergasted, as he knows I'm well-adjusted and happy. No, he hasn't talked about sending the young man -- he's twenty-four -- in for shock therapy or anything like that, but he keeps trying to convince him he's not gay and gets angry at me when I tell him that his son seems pretty certain. I think this is the end of a long-time friendship. Sam.
Sadly, there are many straight and straight-identified people who -- on an intellectual level -- are perfectly supportive of gays but on a deep down level have issues to deal with, especially when it relates to themselves or their loved ones. Since I assume you've been openly gay with him for years, it's unfortunate to say the least that he can't deal with his own son's sexual orientation, but this is not as uncommon as you may think. Part of it may be his concern for his son's welfare (discrimination) and health (AIDS is still seen by many as a "gay" disease even though it shouldn't be), but I sense that on a deeper level his reaction is blatantly homophobic, especially as he's not being at all supportive of his son.
He may come around when he gets used to the idea. Or he may not. It just goes to show that often gay people are merely tolerated by some straight friends instead of truly being accepted as equals. Don't give up on this long-lasting friendship right away -- tell him how you feel in no uncertain terms -- and be supportive of his son, but if things don't show signs of improving this is one "friend" you can do without. Hopefully his son's coming out may help him to understand you better.
Sadly, there are many straight and straight-identified people who -- on an intellectual level -- are perfectly supportive of gays but on a deep down level have issues to deal with, especially when it relates to themselves or their loved ones. Since I assume you've been openly gay with him for years, it's unfortunate to say the least that he can't deal with his own son's sexual orientation, but this is not as uncommon as you may think. Part of it may be his concern for his son's welfare (discrimination) and health (AIDS is still seen by many as a "gay" disease even though it shouldn't be), but I sense that on a deeper level his reaction is blatantly homophobic, especially as he's not being at all supportive of his son.
He may come around when he gets used to the idea. Or he may not. It just goes to show that often gay people are merely tolerated by some straight friends instead of truly being accepted as equals. Don't give up on this long-lasting friendship right away -- tell him how you feel in no uncertain terms -- and be supportive of his son, but if things don't show signs of improving this is one "friend" you can do without. Hopefully his son's coming out may help him to understand you better.
Separating Friends from Lovers
A couple of months ago I met a really nice guy and we really hit it off. We had a one-night-stand, which I now think was a mistake. I care for this guy very much and want him in my life, but only as a friend. He's made it pretty clear that his feelings for me are more sexual and romantic. He's hinted broadly that he wants to sleep with me again, but I've managed to get out of it so far. I'm tired of making excuses. How can I tell him the truth without hurting him? Terry.
I'm sorry to say that there's probably no way to do that. If he's developed strong feelings for you, he's going to be hurt. This is a very difficult situation for both of you, but especially for him because unrequited lusts and infatuations really suck. I assume when the two of you hit the sheets you were both a little snookered?
It seems to me you have a couple of options. You can tell him that no matter how much fun you had, you never go to bed with the same person twice -- so many men, so little time -- that sort of thing. The trouble with this option is that as you and he become better friends he may see that this is a lie. The second option is just to keep dodging the sex thing until he finally gets the message. The third option is to just tell him in as warm and compassionate manner as you can that you only want to be friends with him, that you care for him and think he's a great guy that -- as you put it -- you want in your life but only platonically. He may be able to get past the inevitable humiliation, accept that you and he are just not meant to be, and keep you as a friend, but if he's a little hung up on you, he might need to move on to get over you. And that's something that you'll have to accept.
I'm sorry to say that there's probably no way to do that. If he's developed strong feelings for you, he's going to be hurt. This is a very difficult situation for both of you, but especially for him because unrequited lusts and infatuations really suck. I assume when the two of you hit the sheets you were both a little snookered?
It seems to me you have a couple of options. You can tell him that no matter how much fun you had, you never go to bed with the same person twice -- so many men, so little time -- that sort of thing. The trouble with this option is that as you and he become better friends he may see that this is a lie. The second option is just to keep dodging the sex thing until he finally gets the message. The third option is to just tell him in as warm and compassionate manner as you can that you only want to be friends with him, that you care for him and think he's a great guy that -- as you put it -- you want in your life but only platonically. He may be able to get past the inevitable humiliation, accept that you and he are just not meant to be, and keep you as a friend, but if he's a little hung up on you, he might need to move on to get over you. And that's something that you'll have to accept.
Straight Women Dating Gay Men
Why do so many women seem to want to date gay men? I can't tell you how often a woman has introduced me to her boyfriend and he seems like a big queen to me. What's up with that? R.
Okay, LOL. Yes, there are men who jump right off the gaydar screen and who have girlfriends. We have to remember that just as there are many gay men who are very non-stereotypical and masculine, there are straight guys who are kind of "girlish;" they're not always gay, believe it or not (okay, okay, maybe one or two aren't). On the other hand, there are many closeted gay men who have girlfriends, and the girlfriends deal with it in several ways. Either they are so in love with the guy that they don't care (a kind of pathetic "he can fuck a guy now and then as long as he comes home to me" attitude); they wishfully perceive him as a bi guy who happened to fall in love with a woman and will never need sex with a man again; or they've convinced themselves -- simply because they have sex -- that he can't possibly be gay no matter how many stereotypical traits he may have. Some women always have a sneaking suspicion about their boyfriends, while others haven't got a clue.
Probably some women prefer "effeminate" men (gay or straight) because they think they can bond with them easier than they can with a "macho" type, that they'll be more sensitive, caring, "womanly." There is no good reason to assume that this is the case, of course. Then we still have pathetic women with pre-Stonewall mind-sets, who think the ultimate challenge or test of their "womanhood" is to go to bed with a gay guy. I once met a woman who "collected" gay boyfriends, the ultimate "fag hag." Some effeminate men are so handsome that the women want them no matter what.
This is the 21st century. There are plenty of perfectly nice straight guys (not to mention the bi-identified) for straight women to play around with. They should leave the gay gays alone.
Gay men should be with gay men.
Okay, LOL. Yes, there are men who jump right off the gaydar screen and who have girlfriends. We have to remember that just as there are many gay men who are very non-stereotypical and masculine, there are straight guys who are kind of "girlish;" they're not always gay, believe it or not (okay, okay, maybe one or two aren't). On the other hand, there are many closeted gay men who have girlfriends, and the girlfriends deal with it in several ways. Either they are so in love with the guy that they don't care (a kind of pathetic "he can fuck a guy now and then as long as he comes home to me" attitude); they wishfully perceive him as a bi guy who happened to fall in love with a woman and will never need sex with a man again; or they've convinced themselves -- simply because they have sex -- that he can't possibly be gay no matter how many stereotypical traits he may have. Some women always have a sneaking suspicion about their boyfriends, while others haven't got a clue.
Probably some women prefer "effeminate" men (gay or straight) because they think they can bond with them easier than they can with a "macho" type, that they'll be more sensitive, caring, "womanly." There is no good reason to assume that this is the case, of course. Then we still have pathetic women with pre-Stonewall mind-sets, who think the ultimate challenge or test of their "womanhood" is to go to bed with a gay guy. I once met a woman who "collected" gay boyfriends, the ultimate "fag hag." Some effeminate men are so handsome that the women want them no matter what.
This is the 21st century. There are plenty of perfectly nice straight guys (not to mention the bi-identified) for straight women to play around with. They should leave the gay gays alone.
Gay men should be with gay men.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Gay Former Brother-in-Law
I belong to a gay men's dating site and a few weeks ago came across a familiar profile -- it was my former brother-in-law. I had no idea he was gay, and I doubt if my sister did either, but as we're not close I doubt she would tell me anyway. I always thought he was hot, and according to his profile he's looking for a relationship. I would love to get in touch with him, and as he and my sister have been divorced for several years... Would this be an okay thing to do? Barry
That depends. There are several things to consider. If he's in the closet, the last person he wants to hear from is his gay former brother-in-law -- who probably knows a lot of the people he knows, I assume. Your sister and you may not be close, but you'll hardly get closer if you wind up in a relationship with her ex. Sure, they've both moved on, but that doesn't mean she wants to deal with him at family gatherings, especially if she learns that her whole marriage might have been a sham. The whole thing has a kind of "icky" feel to it. Did the two of you have a good rapport when he was married? You may think he's hot but maybe he doesn't feel the same way about you, sorry. The fact that you didn't pick up on his attraction to men -- unless he was really good at keeping that part of him hidden -- may indicate his disinterest. Even if he's attracted to you he may not have the slightest interest in hooking up with his ex-wife's brother!
If you contact him at all, why not contact him and just say "hi" and tell him you want to give him your support. Let him make the next move. You may not get a lover but you may find a grateful friend.
That depends. There are several things to consider. If he's in the closet, the last person he wants to hear from is his gay former brother-in-law -- who probably knows a lot of the people he knows, I assume. Your sister and you may not be close, but you'll hardly get closer if you wind up in a relationship with her ex. Sure, they've both moved on, but that doesn't mean she wants to deal with him at family gatherings, especially if she learns that her whole marriage might have been a sham. The whole thing has a kind of "icky" feel to it. Did the two of you have a good rapport when he was married? You may think he's hot but maybe he doesn't feel the same way about you, sorry. The fact that you didn't pick up on his attraction to men -- unless he was really good at keeping that part of him hidden -- may indicate his disinterest. Even if he's attracted to you he may not have the slightest interest in hooking up with his ex-wife's brother!
If you contact him at all, why not contact him and just say "hi" and tell him you want to give him your support. Let him make the next move. You may not get a lover but you may find a grateful friend.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Unsafe Sex
I'm gay but I can't understand why there are guys who take it up the ass without a condom, who even get ticked off if the top wants to use one? What's up with that? I would never have anal sex without a condom. Jerry.
To put it bluntly, they're nuts -- and so are you if you don't use a condom (glad to hear that you do). Guys like that are playing with fire; even if their sex partners say they're HIV negative doesn't mean they are, or that they've even been tested. I assume these guys have a crazy love of danger, think they're somehow immune to HIV or bad luck, have some kind of death wish, or thrive on taking nutty chances. Some will simply say that it feels better without a condom. Maybe (I'm a top man myself)? But even if the sensation is a bit muted isn't it better if it's safe?
These guys not only don't care about themselves, they don't care about you. Yes, you can contract HIV even if you are a top and have sex with a bottom. If you indulge in anal sex, always use a condom.
Why do these guys take such unnecessary risks (and there are straight guys like this as well as gay guys)? I guess it's all about the thrill, immediate gratification without responsibility. Or sheer stupidity? Younger gay guys did not grow up with dozens of their friends horribly wasting away and dying from AIDS. Older guys figure most of their life is over already, so who cares? They all think that if you contract HIV all you have to do is take a pill. HIV may no longer be a death sentence for most, but there are still serious social, sexual and health complications, and there are quite a few people who do not respond to medications. HIV infection is still a serious matter.
Avoid guys like this. At the very least insist on safe sex and condoms when you''re with them or just walk out the door.
There are plenty of more responsible guys in the gay community.
To put it bluntly, they're nuts -- and so are you if you don't use a condom (glad to hear that you do). Guys like that are playing with fire; even if their sex partners say they're HIV negative doesn't mean they are, or that they've even been tested. I assume these guys have a crazy love of danger, think they're somehow immune to HIV or bad luck, have some kind of death wish, or thrive on taking nutty chances. Some will simply say that it feels better without a condom. Maybe (I'm a top man myself)? But even if the sensation is a bit muted isn't it better if it's safe?
These guys not only don't care about themselves, they don't care about you. Yes, you can contract HIV even if you are a top and have sex with a bottom. If you indulge in anal sex, always use a condom.
Why do these guys take such unnecessary risks (and there are straight guys like this as well as gay guys)? I guess it's all about the thrill, immediate gratification without responsibility. Or sheer stupidity? Younger gay guys did not grow up with dozens of their friends horribly wasting away and dying from AIDS. Older guys figure most of their life is over already, so who cares? They all think that if you contract HIV all you have to do is take a pill. HIV may no longer be a death sentence for most, but there are still serious social, sexual and health complications, and there are quite a few people who do not respond to medications. HIV infection is still a serious matter.
Avoid guys like this. At the very least insist on safe sex and condoms when you''re with them or just walk out the door.
There are plenty of more responsible guys in the gay community.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)