Doomed Infatuation

I fear my friend is heading down a dark path. He has become very good friends -- or so he says -- with a much younger man who identifies as straight. My friend says his feelings for this younger man are strictly platonic, but the way he goes on about him it is very clear that he is smitten. I believe the young man is deeply conflicted and in any case will ultimately never allow any older gay man to become too close to him; the possibility of any real relationship is remote. I'm afraid my friend is going to get very hurt but I don't know what to do about it. George.

Sometimes, sadly, there isn't anything you can do about it. If he's in a deep denial about his true feelings for this young man -- or if he just won't talk about it honestly with you -- then there's not a lot you can do. I suspect that you've tried to draw him out on the subject, but he resists. Hopefully as he becomes ever more infatuated he'll turn to his friends for comfort and advice. The best thing you can probably do is be there for him when the ultimate letdown arrives. You're right that young, conflicted men often turn on the older gay men that have been there for them (sometimes out of their own needs, admittedly) and it's never very pretty. A good friend who will listen and help build up his self-esteem, reminding him that there are people who care about him even if his "beloved" does not, will provide some sort of comfort and support.

In the meantime, introduce him to some gay guys his own age who might take his mind off the conflicted pup. The easiest way to get over an infatuation is to meet someone new who can play back your feelings instead of constantly pining for the unattainable.

Co-worker Wants a Date

There is a fellow at work who keeps pestering me, saying we should go out for a drink, intimating he'd like to date me, and so on. We are both gay, and I don't want to get him in trouble by complaining. I can't say it's reached the level of sexual harassment as yet, but how can I let him know I am simply not interested in him without it snowballing? RR

Now this is an awkward situation. First I have to ask -- are you certain he just doesn't want to be friends with a gay co-worker? If you're certain he's "interested" in you, you can always say you have a monogamous relationship or are dating someone, if you haven't already. If you've told him you're single, tell him now that you've recently "met" someone special. Sometimes telling a little white lie is the best way to go. I recognize that you want to avoid hurt feelings, especially as this is someone you have to work with and see almost every day. Again, if all he's after is friendship, maybe it won't hurt to have a drink with him. Remember that while this may be awkward for you, if he truly has unrequited feelings for you he's in a much worse position. If he graduates from being friendly or flirting to making unwanted advances -- and I only mean something that is way over the top -- you have to be firm with him, warning him that you'll complain if you have to. If you do feel a need to report him, make it clear that his being gay is not the issue. Hopefully he's a reasonable person and this will all go away once he realizes you are simply not available.

Crush on a Straight Guy?

I am a gay man in my twenties and I am infatuated with a friend of mine, who I think is gay. He does not say he is gay but has never had a steady girlfriend -- although he has dated -- and doesn't really seem that interested in women. How can you tell for sure if someone else is gay? I really would like to go to the next level with him but don't want to waste my time if he's straight and get hurt. WR

Well, it could be that he's gay, but it also could be that his seeming disinterest in women is wish-fulfillment on your part. Maybe not. I am assuming he knows you're gay? If not, then coming out to him will probably be the best way of finding out if he, too, is gay. There is no sure way of definitely knowing someone is gay (aside from intimacy) no matter how convinced you may be that he is. If you have good reason to think he's gay -- your "gaydar" is on high alert -- then talking about it with him may be helpful, but be prepared for a negative reaction if he's deeply conflicted.

The trouble is that you're not the best person to help him come out because you have such a stake in it -- your attraction and romantic attachment toward him. Perhaps there's a mutual friend who could sensitively broach the subject for you? You might be so desperate to have him be gay that you might go overboard in your protestations, which will not help at all. (I've been there.)

The thing to remember is that even if he's gay, he won't be much good to you as long as he is closeted, repressed, or conflicted -- he might as well be straight. If you get nowhere with him, it might be best to decide if you think you can realistically handle being "just friends" or if it will be necessary to part company for your own sanity -- that is, your need to get over him and move on.

When you are infatuated with someone, it may seem as if you just can't bear even the thought of not having them in your life, but the truth is that you can get over them. All it takes is meeting someone who can play back your feelings, and brother, they're out there, believe me!

Ultimately it's so much better to hang out with a guy who feels the same way about you than it is to spend your time pining for someone who might well be unattainable.

Let me know how it goes.