Sexual Compatibility

You had a post recently about the s & m/kink/fetish scene and how it was not strictly a gay scene at all. My question is, I'm dating a guy and he's into that scene and wants me to be into it too. He's a great guy, I'm very attracted to him, but the sex leaves something to be desired. It's less about "vanilla" sex and more about spanking, playing out scenes, role-playing, and frankly I'm not into it at all. One thing I hate is he's into biting and I just hate it; I have sore lips for days. Should I just keep trying to get into the things he's into? Am I being narrow-minded? I want to keep dating him, but I'm just not diggin' the things he does. Confused.

Lousy sex is lousy sex, and in this instance lousy sex is something that you're not only not into, but that is a complete turn-off to you. [Don't you just hate it when they want to bite your lips instead of kiss them?] This isn't a question of being judgmental -- some guys like to be bitten -- but of understanding and accepting that some people just aren't compatible. It's not narrow-minded to favor one form of sexual expression over another. You're not rejecting him as a friend or human being, but you may have to "reject" him as a lover. And vice versa.

Do you get the impression that he expects you to do all the things he wants, but he's not willing to do what you want? Or have you even broached the subject with him? It seems to me if you're willing to experiment a little with him then he can return the favor and indulge in a little garden variety sucking and fucking with you -- without the biting, bondage, role-playing and so on that he favors. But that just may be the way he's built.

You may be avoiding the subject with him because, as you say, you like the guy and don't want to stop dating him -- or have him stop dating you -- but unless the two of you can find some common ground, you may have to settle for friendship instead of romance. He may be a guy who just likes a little s & m now and then to spice up his love life, but it sounds as if he's very heavy into the scene, and really needs/prefers a partner who's into it as much as he is.

Talk it over with him and see if he has any real interest in some "vanilla" [ordinary] sex with you.

But I have a feeling you're going to have to move on once you get sick and tired of the sore lips.

Gay Dating Etiquette

I’m just out of the closet and not certain of proper gay etiquette. If another gay man asks me to his apartment should I assume he’s expecting sex? If a guy wants me to have dinner with him is that a date or just two friends going out? And how can you tell the difference? Anon.

The first thing you have to remember is that gay men are as capable of having strictly platonic friendships as straight men are. And every man is attracted to different types and individuals. If a man asks you to his apartment it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s expecting sex, but it depends on the circumstances. If you’re in a bar and the guy is giving you signals that he’s attracted to you, then he’s probably inviting you home for a one-night-stand. This is true even if he says he’s asking you home for a "drink" or "coffee." Generally if the man is not interested in sex, he’ll make that clear somehow, saying something like "just to talk." (Although even in that situation a guy could always hit on you.) If you’re interested in talking but not in having sex, you can suggest that you go to a coffee shop instead of his apartment. If a man asks you what you like to do [in bed], he’s definitely after a sex hook up.

As for going out to dinner, that can be a romantic date or just two friends having dinner. Sometimes what begins as a platonic friendship can blossom into something more; the problem is when one individual wants to "upgrade" the relationship and the other one is happy just being friends.

In general, guys will give you signals that they’re"interested" in you in a more than platonic fashion. Some guys just come right out and say so. Others make passes or flirt (although flirting is not always a sign of sexual attraction or at least an interest in hooking up). Some guys are very good at hiding their feelings – they’re not sure of how you feel about them – and then spring it at you unexpectedly. But in most cases there will be clear signs that a man is interested in you romantically and/or sexually (and the two don’t always go together).

Admittedly, when it comes to gay men, our sexuality is a factor that straight guys don’t have to think about when it comes to male-male friendships. But it’s also true that most gay men have loving, close friendships with other men that are not "encumbered" with a romantic or sexual factor. Two guys who are just there for each other, which is the whole point of friendship.

And then there are "fuck buddies" – what straight people call "friends with benefits" – friends who on occasion have sex without romantic complications. But I’ll save a discussion of that for another post.

Gay Video Game

Hi Dr. Bill. My name is John and I am a doctoral student at the University of Southern California. My colleagues and I are in the process of developing a video game for gay and bi men about sex and dating, which can be played online for free. The players will go on a series of "virtual" dates and hook-ups with different characters. Your character will even be able to have "virtual sex" on these dates. It's kind of like a "choose your own adventure" game that is designed to be very sexy while also addressing some of the social and health issues facing gay and bi men, including tips on how to find the perfect guy and how to avoid STDs.

Could you help me spread the word? Right now I need to get a few hundred guys to fill out a short anonymous online survey that will help us design the game. The survey is located at:

www.virtualsexproject.com


People who fill out this online survey will automatically be entered into a $200 drawing that will be paid by the university. When the game has been fully produced (next year) we will then need to recruit several thousand guys to play it and provide feedback.

Please let me know if you can do anything to help get the word out. Thanks for your support!!!

John Christensen

Thanks for the information. Sounds very interesting! Okay guys, check it out at the link above. Participate in creating a sexy game and maybe win 200 smackers as well! Go for it!

Sticking to Conventions?

How many gay people do you think really want to get married and live a more or less straight life by adopting children and so on? Anon.

Well, I don't know if you could call it "living a straight life" when both partners are of the same sex, but I do understand that some less conventional gays have no particular desire to "mimic" straight people by marrying, having/adopting kids, and moving to the suburbs. [But let me say at the outset that not only are there unconventional straight couples who love city life, but many straight couples who have no interest in raising children. It's a personal call no matter what one's orientation.] Some gay couples have children because one of the partners was formerly married before "finding" him or herself. Another point: when gay couples adopt children they're giving homes and nurturing to orphans/abandoned kids who might otherwise have no parents or families. And gay parents do just as good a job as straight ones.

As many people have said, gay marriage is about marriage equality. Whether all gay people want to marry their partners or not is besides the point. Gays, like straights, should have the freedom to marry if they wish. Gay marriage sends a message that homosexual relationships are equal to heterosexual relationships, that gay people are not second-class citizens. Gays in this country pay taxes and are in general good citizens -- telling us we can't get married to one another is outrageous.

At the same time, the gay "lifestyle" was for many years sort of an "outlaw" lifestyle and even today many gay people kind of like that status, and want to be outside the "normal" conventions. For instance, they feel gay life is more accepting of "open" relationships [which is not necessarily true], sexual creativity and experimentation, and sexual activity outside the relationship. Marrying and having the proverbial 2.5 children does not interest such people at all. [And of course jokes have made the rounds to the effect that gays should consider themselves well out of the marriage business, as they can avoid all the hell of bitter divorce, custody battles, and alimony payments. But you have to take the good with the bad, right?]

But that's the thing. This is just another reminder of the incredible diversity of the gay community. And I daresay that those gays who reject marriage do and certainly should support it for others in their community who desire the same rights, privileges and protections that heterosexual married couples have.

So always keep in mind that gay marriage is less about marriage than it is about equality.

Leather Fetish

I'm confused by the leather scene. Is it strictly a gay scene? What exactly does it consist of? What is the homoerotic appeal of leather? Anon.

Last year I did a piece for The New York Blade on exactly how gay or not the leather scene was. Unfortunately since the Blade web site has been restructured the piece is no longer available in their archives.

So I'll sum up.

The leather -- or leather/s & m/kink/fetish -- scene is not strictly a gay scene by any means. There are many heterosexuals interested in the various aspects of the scene. In fact gay men and lesbians only account for perhaps 20% of the scene with perhaps another 20% identifying as bi. Many gay/bi leather fetishists identify more with the leather community than they do with the LGBT community. In some cases it's considered a separate sexuality and/or way of life. Some "scenes" are erotic without necessarily being sexual -- that is, involving intercourse or some kind of physical sexual conduct that we generally refer to as "sex." The leather/kink scene is considered separate from what some of its participants call "vanilla sex" -- the everyday stuff that the rest of us engage in.

The leather scene runs the spectrum from guys in leather outfits who may simply like the look of, or have a genuine fetish for, leather [or guys who simply like the masculine atmosphere of gay leather bars, although bear culture has superseded this a bit] to people of all kinds of persuasions who get involved in kinky scenes involving role-playing. S & M [sadomasochistic] activities may consist of mild spanking to tying someone up [bondage and discipline or B & D] to role-playing wherein a couple operate as slave and master in their relationship -- all the time.

Frankly, whether you find some of this stuff a turn-on, repellent, or just plain silly, depends on your interest, sensibilities, and whatever excites you. Most people have some sort of fetishes, particular things that turn them on. This has nothing to do with their characters or what kind of people they are. Most of it is just harmless, kinky fun although I've no doubt there are scenes that some of us might find scary. [One "extreme" gay sport is fist-fucking, with a fist substituting for a penis. It has always been considered risky behavior, and most gay men don't practice it. It may well be done by heterosexual couples into analism as well.]

When it comes to the leather scene, the whole business of sexual orientation can become muddled anyway. In other words, a man who wants to be spanked or humiliated by another man may not necessarily be attracted to that man or want to have "regular" sex with him. Yet since the spanking is erotic, it could be called a homoerotic scene. Presumably most heterosexual men would therefore rather be spanked etc. by women (and vice versa). This may also be why some leather people identify as bi -- not because (in their cases) they are attracted to both men and women but because they'll get involved in certain scenes with both men and women or both at the same time. [A self-hating repressed homosexual may want to be debased/humiliated by another man.]

Yes, there are leather lesbians. And there are straight leather guys who dress up much like gay leather men [that is in full leather regalia and not just a leather jacket] but who do their thing at private clubs or homes or leather expos instead of meeting up at gay bars.

As for the homoeroticism of leather?

All I can say is: don't most guys look kind of hot in a leather jacket?

But while there certainly are gay people involved in the leather scene (although most are not), it is not strictly a gay scene by any means.

Now excuse me, I have to go spank someone. Kiddin'!

Gay Movie Stars?

Can you tell me if any of the following men are gay: Leonardo DiCaprio, Ben Stiller, Russell Crowe, Jerry Lewis. Anon.

Uh .... since I've never actually had sex with any of these gentlemen or know of any man who has, I can't really say much about their sexual orientation. Russell Crowe played a gay man in the very interesting and moving film The Sum of Us, before he became well-known, but that doesn't automatically make him gay. [The Advocate charged that when he played real-life John Nash in A Beautiful Mind, Nash's attraction to men was ignored.] Leonardo DiCaprio also played a gay role in Total Eclipse. He also starred as Howard Hughes in The Aviator, which presented the possibly gay or bi tycoon as heterosexual. Jerry Lewis may have appeared to be in love with his partner Dean Martin, but that was probably more of what people today call a "man-crush:" a straight guy who platonically loves another man who is sort of a brother or father figure. As for Stiller, who knows?

Anyway, why don't you try gay celebrity-watcher Perez Hilton?

Perpetrating Fraud?

I have read that Jim McGreevey's wife feels that her gay husband the governor perpetrated a fraud on her when he married her by pretending he was straight. How do you feel about this? Are gays and bisexuals defrauding their straight spouses if they don't tell them the truth? How about asexuals? Anon.

Interesting question. My answer is yes. I have often said that it's one thing if a person knows about the sexual interests of their mate before the marriage and enters into the union willingly, but quite another if the spouse is secretive. While I don't recommend mixed marriages for anyone, a straight person who enters into one with foreknowledge can not complain later on if, for obvious reasons, it doesn't work out. While a mixed marriage between a straight person and a genuinely bisexual person can work, I still think the bi partner should be completely upfront about their sexuality with their partner. As for asexuals, people who say they are born without sexual feelings, many do engage in sex with their partners, but the partner should be apprised that they are faking any enjoyment they have -- or rather can't have -- of the experience.

Upfront honesty is always the best policy. To be in love with someone and in a relationship with them for years and then to discover they are gay or perhaps have more of an interest in their own sex than in the opposite, or have no sexual feelings of any kind, can be devastating and is, I feel, completely unfair to the straight and/or non-asexual spouse.

The better and more accepting a member of a sexual minority is, the more likely he or she is to be honest and treat other people fairly.

It will be interesting to see what happens when some of these fraud cases hit a courtroom.

Inter-generational Relationships -- or Daddy and Son

How do you feel about inter-generational relationships in the gay community, I mean where one partner is old enough to be the other one's father? Can these work? Big Daddy.

Relationships where there is a very big difference in age, be they gay or straight, can work, but -- as with mixed marriages -- it all depends on what you mean by "working."

Generally mixed age relationships are all about meeting specific needs. The older person wants a young, attractive lover, or at the very least a companion. The younger person is generally -- let's be honest here -- looking for some kind of financial stability, or at least free rent. Often the younger person is an artist (or at least an aspiring artist) who has a very low income, or zero income. The older "patron" is a godsend. There are older men who are so lonely and/or desperate for someone to share their lives with that they will even take in and take care of a younger person with whom they don't even have sex.

The older person generally loves the younger one a lot more than the younger one loves the older one, although the younger one can -- in his or her own way -- come to care deeply about the older person, and become quite attached to them (or at least to what they can do for them).

Relationships like this can last for years and in that sense be very successful. But in the long run it's all about using each other. And there are unhealthy aspects to these relationships. Often the older person will fail to encourage the younger one to get out there and deal with life, get a job, etc. because they're afraid that if the younger one becomes independent and/or has an income. they will no longer need the older person. And some younger people in these situations become awfully good at playing the emotions of, and manipulating, the older person.

And what happens when the younger person is middle-aged and the older person is elderly? The older person may have himself a caregiver (which is sometimes the motivation for old men to take younger lovers) -- or he may not. The younger person may make a very good caregiver, but it's tough having an elderly lover with all of those age issues when you have your own middle-aged problems to deal with. Sometimes the younger person can't handle it and just takes off -- while the older person, who spend years caring for and being devoted to the younger one -- is left all alone.

Frankly, I think the best and healthiest relationships are those where the age difference isn't too great, where one partner is not old enough to be their lover's father or mother. Middle-aged and elderly men should look around at guys in their own age range for partners -- after all, many of them are single or "widowed." Such relationships can not only be very successful, but they aren't dependent on financial need, and the two men can certainly relate to each other much better, as they are dealing with similar issues.

Then again, love is where you find it.

What a Drag!

I am a masculine gay man in my thirties and I can't understand why there seems to be this incredible preoccupation with drag, or at least this perception that all or most gay men are into wearing dresses. I've never had the slightest desire to dress up as a woman and neither do any of my gay male friends. Why does this stereotype persist? A character came out on a TV show and his mother started asking his dress size! Perplexed.

Some time ago an actor on a soap opera was giving an interview. He had just been told that his character was going to turn out to be gay. He said: "I guess I'll have to go out and buy some dresses."

Huh?

Yes, you would think that this tiresome confusion of homosexuality with transvestism -- or of equating gay men with women -- would have gone out the window long ago. I don't think most gay men are preoccupied with or have any interest in drag, but the media makes it seem otherwise. As for TV shows, we've got stupid writers who can't come up with anything original. We all know that there are "queens"-- in and out of drag -- in our community, and I'm certainly not suggesting they should be put down in any way, shape or form. Our world would certainly be a little bit duller without them. But the whole world already knows that there are femmes in the gay male community. It's time we saw more portrayals of gay men as most of us are: non-stereotypical -- not to mention the bears, leather hunks, super-butch types and all the rest. It's gotten to a point where if you see a bear-like or just masculine gay guy in a movie it's considered a big joke-- how could somebody like that be gay?

Drag queens seem to be a disproportionate part of the gay community because whenever there's a march, parade or event, the cameras instantly capture the more colorful members of the community -- which includes drag queens. This has in part created a feeling among people that there are many more drag queens than there really are, and that drag is an inherent part of every gay man's life, while nothing could be further from the truth. Hopefully TV people and filmmakers will eventually explore the gay world in all of its diversity.

But I'm not holding my breath.

Gay Men, Women, and "Sexual Fluidity"

Dr. Bill, I have been reading a lot of stories lately about openly gay men who are having sex with women. Even some of my gay friends have confessed they do this from time to time. What is going on? I thought being gay meant you didn't do that sort of thing. I've been out for quite some time but can't recall this kind of behavior being so prevalent or accepted in the gay community. Am I a prude who doesn't understand the new "sexual fluidity"? Sincerely, A.

First, let's start with the whole concept -- and dangerous notion -- of "sexual fluidity." I think if I hear one more person say "sexuality is fluid" I'll puke. On one hand we have activists and others arguing against these ex-gay nuts who believe you can "pray away the gay" or go straight through conversion therapy. Then we have the "sexual fluidity" trendoids who unwittingly are backing up what these ex-gay idiots are saying. Gay people can't change their orientation -- that is what every responsible psychiatrist, activist, therapist, and sex researcher says. It other words, sexuality is not fluid. Gay people are gay, straights are straights, and -- however many genuine bisexuals there are in the world -- they go from male to female partners but their orientation is always bi. One has to remember that sexual orientation doesn't always match with whichever sex a person is sleeping with, hence these gay guys who sleep with women on occasion. "Sexual fluidity" often just means that someone is going in and out of the closet. Their orientation doesn't really change.

As for these gay guys having sex with women, there are several explanations. First, are these guys really gay? Surely some of them at least identify (whatever the reality) as bisexual. Second, when we talk about "having sex"with women we have to define exactly what "having sex" is.

Picture this scenario. Gay guy and gal pal go out to a gay bar. Gay guy sees guys he likes but he has trouble hooking up with any of them because gal pal is making a loud scene because no one is paying her any attention (the guys are looking for other guys, after all) and the gay guys keep their distance. So it's 4 AM and gay guy and gal pal are both alone and horny. Gal pal gives gay guy a blow job while he fantasizes about one of the hot guys he saw at the bar and would much rather be with. I suppose you could call that having sex with a woman ...

Sometimes the gay guy and gal pal manage to thrash around with each other in bed, if you want to call that having sex. Both are dead drunk, and even if gay guy was attracted to the gal pal he probably wouldn't be able to get it up. In other words, the women in these situations are unlikely to ever get pregnant.

I'd be willing to bet that if you asked your friends for details their sexual episodes with women would be along the lines detailed above. And I'm sure that in almost every case there's heavy drinking and/or drug use involved. If somebody wants to call this "sexual fluidity" they can but I wouldn't. These guys are still gay.

Years ago I had an older friend who was in his fifties. He had had sex with women in the Army thirty years before but not since. One night a "fag hag" -- for lack of a better word --came on to him and he went to bed with her. I was astonished, but he laughed it off and said it was just an act of narcissism. Some men are turned on in a fashion by somebody's lust for them. This guy was middle-aged, not that attractive by objective standards, and while he pursued and caught many, many men, he was rarely pursued himself. Therefore he liked being pursued and decided, in a sense, to give the woman what she wanted. He insisted it was a one-time thing, that he had no desire to repeat it, was not bisexual in any way, shape or form, and that he was a dyed-in-the-wool gay guy (to which I will testify). He was gay before he had sex with the woman, he was gay after he had sex with the woman, and he was gay while he had sex with the woman -- and probably fantasized about men to keep it hard. Again, some would call this sexual fluidity. I wouldn't.

Other essentially homosexual men sleep with women on occasion (generally if no man is around) for some harmless sex-for-sex's-sake, or -- if they are not fully accepting of their homosexuality -- to feel more "butch"and manly. We live in a society where a man is considered a stud only if he sleeps with women, and while a well-adjusted gay man knows this is just hetero bias, a gay man who has "issues" may need to fuck (or at least try to fuck) women to reinforce his very insecure sense of masculinity. Sad, really. Even in this day and age we have homosexual men marrying women so they can come off to the world as straight husbands and daddies (while they hook up with men online). They may even identify as heterosexual. Many gay men are perfectlycapable of having sex with women (although for some only homoerotic fantasizing will sustain them), they're just not interested. They are into men.

Then there are men who know they are gay but are still conflicted. One middle-aged man in a bar a few months ago told me "Sexuality is fluid. [Puke!] Four years from now you could be sleeping with women." I don't think so. Tried it years ago, knew I was into guys, got over the angst very quickly, know who and what I am and wouldn't have it any other way. I could sleep with women but I don't want to, don't need to, and have nothing to prove. If men are middle-aged and they still haven't figured out or accepted who they are, I can only feel sorry for them. Plus the fact that I think it's terrible for these sad fucks to use women the way they do.

And not to be mean, but some of these guys sleeping with women are so effeminate (not that there's anything wrong with that) that when they have sex with a woman it's practically an act of lesbianism. I mean, who are they really kidding?

While I personally have some problems with the 60-year-old Kinsey scale of sexuality (where 0 is totally straight and 6 is totally gay), I suppose proponents of the scale could argue that a man who is a 4 or 5 on the scale -- essentially homosexual but a little bit hetero -- could sleep with women and possibly enjoy it but he'd much, much rather be with a man, if he's honest with himself. Gay guys who are 6 on the scale have zero interest in sleeping with women, of course, and don't understand men who do.

In fact, I dare say that most happily adjusted Out and Proud Gay Men are perfectly happy sleeping with men and just having woman as friends.

So this isn't sexual fluidity and you're not a prude. I honestly don't know how prevalent this business really is. Bisexuality [more on which in a future post] is as trendy as "sexual fluidity" and very political these days, and that may be contributing to what you see -- rightly or wrongly -- as a trend. I have to confess that here in New York I can't say there's an "epidemic" of gay guys sleeping with women that I know of. Most gay guys I know (of all ages) are looking for and sleeping with guys, as they should.

And that, at least, is good news, eh?