Some years ago I had the opportunity to fist a really sweet guy during a one night stand. It was awesome. More recently, I had a fuck buddy who was into leather and showed fisting videos while we were having hot sex. The leather and the fisting porn really got me hot. I am interested in both top and bottom fisting. How do I initiate myself into the nyc fisting scene? Anon.
Just for those who are new to "fist-fucking" or fisting, it is a type of anal sex in which a hand is used for penetration instead of a penis or dildo. One doesn't actually make a fist, but gathers their fingers into a kind of beak, I'm told.
Sometimes people approach me in bars thinking I am into fisting because of my shaved head look and so on. I'm not into the scene. I've heard that it can be dangerous if not carefully practiced, but I'm definitely not judging those who are into it. Different strokes! [I've also been told that fisting is not strictly a gay practice.]
As for the New York fisting scene, you could approach people in places like the Eagle on 28th Street and see if anyone can give you this information. Or you can go directly to the web sites of such leather/fetish groups for men such as Iron Guard BC [Brotherhood Club] and Gay Male S/M Activists. I would suggest using their contact emails to get the information you're looking for. At the very least they should be able to direct you to people who can guide you in the direction you want to go. I'm sure you can get hlepful advice from members of the leather/fetish/kink community.
Showing posts with label leather scene. Show all posts
Showing posts with label leather scene. Show all posts
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Where are the "Edgy" Guys?
I was recently at the Eagle in New York one Sunday night and I noticed a lot of guys in alligator shirts and designer clothing and I swear I felt like I was in some twink bar catering to the fashion or hairdressing set. Where were the edgier guys, the shaved heads, the tattoos, the grizzled older macho men that I go to leather bars to find? Is leather culture on its way out? I heard that the Mr. Leather contest in New Jersey was open to women! What on earth has happened to the leather scene? Anon.
Well, I'm no expert on the leather scene, but I don't think it's on its way out any time soon. I have also been to the Eagle on a Sunday and observed the same thing you did -- I was the only cueball [shaved head] on the roof deck! I believe Sundays attracts a wider variety of men at the Eagle and perhaps everywhere else.
I think leather bars know that some men come because of the masculine atmosphere and aren't really into the leather or fetish scene. So they set aside one night when only men in full leather regalia are admitted [Thursdays, I believe, for the New York Eagle].
It's possible that hardcore leather fetishists and gay men into kinkier scenes hang out in other places and have their own clubs. [And of course the leather scene is not strictly gay.] I know some hardcore leather men think of most modern-day leather bars as, as you imply, fashion shows. [At least the New York Eagle isn't as bad as the Boston Eagle, which is by no stretch of the imagination a leather bar. At least that was the case. It may have changed, but probably not.]
As for women in "Mr. Leather" contests? It sounds completely idiotic and pointless, as there can always be [and probably is] a Ms. Leather competition. Sounds like political correctness run amok. UPDATE: Actually there is one contest for men [Mr. Leather] and another for women [Ms. Leather]. It is not true that women compete in the Mr. Leather contest, at least not in New Jersey. There was no Ms. NJ Leather in 2008, but there was a Mr. NJ Leather.
Try the Eagle on another night and you might find some of those edgier guys you were talking about.
In the meantime, here's a link to a piece I did on the leather/fetish scene for The [now defunct] New York Blade.
Well, I'm no expert on the leather scene, but I don't think it's on its way out any time soon. I have also been to the Eagle on a Sunday and observed the same thing you did -- I was the only cueball [shaved head] on the roof deck! I believe Sundays attracts a wider variety of men at the Eagle and perhaps everywhere else.
I think leather bars know that some men come because of the masculine atmosphere and aren't really into the leather or fetish scene. So they set aside one night when only men in full leather regalia are admitted [Thursdays, I believe, for the New York Eagle].
It's possible that hardcore leather fetishists and gay men into kinkier scenes hang out in other places and have their own clubs. [And of course the leather scene is not strictly gay.] I know some hardcore leather men think of most modern-day leather bars as, as you imply, fashion shows. [At least the New York Eagle isn't as bad as the Boston Eagle, which is by no stretch of the imagination a leather bar. At least that was the case. It may have changed, but probably not.]
As for women in "Mr. Leather" contests? It sounds completely idiotic and pointless, as there can always be [and probably is] a Ms. Leather competition. Sounds like political correctness run amok. UPDATE: Actually there is one contest for men [Mr. Leather] and another for women [Ms. Leather]. It is not true that women compete in the Mr. Leather contest, at least not in New Jersey. There was no Ms. NJ Leather in 2008, but there was a Mr. NJ Leather.
Try the Eagle on another night and you might find some of those edgier guys you were talking about.
In the meantime, here's a link to a piece I did on the leather/fetish scene for The [now defunct] New York Blade.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Sexual Compatibility
You had a post recently about the s & m/kink/fetish scene and how it was not strictly a gay scene at all. My question is, I'm dating a guy and he's into that scene and wants me to be into it too. He's a great guy, I'm very attracted to him, but the sex leaves something to be desired. It's less about "vanilla" sex and more about spanking, playing out scenes, role-playing, and frankly I'm not into it at all. One thing I hate is he's into biting and I just hate it; I have sore lips for days. Should I just keep trying to get into the things he's into? Am I being narrow-minded? I want to keep dating him, but I'm just not diggin' the things he does. Confused.
Lousy sex is lousy sex, and in this instance lousy sex is something that you're not only not into, but that is a complete turn-off to you. [Don't you just hate it when they want to bite your lips instead of kiss them?] This isn't a question of being judgmental -- some guys like to be bitten -- but of understanding and accepting that some people just aren't compatible. It's not narrow-minded to favor one form of sexual expression over another. You're not rejecting him as a friend or human being, but you may have to "reject" him as a lover. And vice versa.
Do you get the impression that he expects you to do all the things he wants, but he's not willing to do what you want? Or have you even broached the subject with him? It seems to me if you're willing to experiment a little with him then he can return the favor and indulge in a little garden variety sucking and fucking with you -- without the biting, bondage, role-playing and so on that he favors. But that just may be the way he's built.
You may be avoiding the subject with him because, as you say, you like the guy and don't want to stop dating him -- or have him stop dating you -- but unless the two of you can find some common ground, you may have to settle for friendship instead of romance. He may be a guy who just likes a little s & m now and then to spice up his love life, but it sounds as if he's very heavy into the scene, and really needs/prefers a partner who's into it as much as he is.
Talk it over with him and see if he has any real interest in some "vanilla" [ordinary] sex with you.
But I have a feeling you're going to have to move on once you get sick and tired of the sore lips.
Lousy sex is lousy sex, and in this instance lousy sex is something that you're not only not into, but that is a complete turn-off to you. [Don't you just hate it when they want to bite your lips instead of kiss them?] This isn't a question of being judgmental -- some guys like to be bitten -- but of understanding and accepting that some people just aren't compatible. It's not narrow-minded to favor one form of sexual expression over another. You're not rejecting him as a friend or human being, but you may have to "reject" him as a lover. And vice versa.
Do you get the impression that he expects you to do all the things he wants, but he's not willing to do what you want? Or have you even broached the subject with him? It seems to me if you're willing to experiment a little with him then he can return the favor and indulge in a little garden variety sucking and fucking with you -- without the biting, bondage, role-playing and so on that he favors. But that just may be the way he's built.
You may be avoiding the subject with him because, as you say, you like the guy and don't want to stop dating him -- or have him stop dating you -- but unless the two of you can find some common ground, you may have to settle for friendship instead of romance. He may be a guy who just likes a little s & m now and then to spice up his love life, but it sounds as if he's very heavy into the scene, and really needs/prefers a partner who's into it as much as he is.
Talk it over with him and see if he has any real interest in some "vanilla" [ordinary] sex with you.
But I have a feeling you're going to have to move on once you get sick and tired of the sore lips.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Leather Fetish
I'm confused by the leather scene. Is it strictly a gay scene? What exactly does it consist of? What is the homoerotic appeal of leather? Anon.
Last year I did a piece for The New York Blade on exactly how gay or not the leather scene was. Unfortunately since the Blade web site has been restructured the piece is no longer available in their archives.
So I'll sum up.
The leather -- or leather/s & m/kink/fetish -- scene is not strictly a gay scene by any means. There are many heterosexuals interested in the various aspects of the scene. In fact gay men and lesbians only account for perhaps 20% of the scene with perhaps another 20% identifying as bi. Many gay/bi leather fetishists identify more with the leather community than they do with the LGBT community. In some cases it's considered a separate sexuality and/or way of life. Some "scenes" are erotic without necessarily being sexual -- that is, involving intercourse or some kind of physical sexual conduct that we generally refer to as "sex." The leather/kink scene is considered separate from what some of its participants call "vanilla sex" -- the everyday stuff that the rest of us engage in.
The leather scene runs the spectrum from guys in leather outfits who may simply like the look of, or have a genuine fetish for, leather [or guys who simply like the masculine atmosphere of gay leather bars, although bear culture has superseded this a bit] to people of all kinds of persuasions who get involved in kinky scenes involving role-playing. S & M [sadomasochistic] activities may consist of mild spanking to tying someone up [bondage and discipline or B & D] to role-playing wherein a couple operate as slave and master in their relationship -- all the time.
Frankly, whether you find some of this stuff a turn-on, repellent, or just plain silly, depends on your interest, sensibilities, and whatever excites you. Most people have some sort of fetishes, particular things that turn them on. This has nothing to do with their characters or what kind of people they are. Most of it is just harmless, kinky fun although I've no doubt there are scenes that some of us might find scary. [One "extreme" gay sport is fist-fucking, with a fist substituting for a penis. It has always been considered risky behavior, and most gay men don't practice it. It may well be done by heterosexual couples into analism as well.]
When it comes to the leather scene, the whole business of sexual orientation can become muddled anyway. In other words, a man who wants to be spanked or humiliated by another man may not necessarily be attracted to that man or want to have "regular" sex with him. Yet since the spanking is erotic, it could be called a homoerotic scene. Presumably most heterosexual men would therefore rather be spanked etc. by women (and vice versa). This may also be why some leather people identify as bi -- not because (in their cases) they are attracted to both men and women but because they'll get involved in certain scenes with both men and women or both at the same time. [A self-hating repressed homosexual may want to be debased/humiliated by another man.]
Yes, there are leather lesbians. And there are straight leather guys who dress up much like gay leather men [that is in full leather regalia and not just a leather jacket] but who do their thing at private clubs or homes or leather expos instead of meeting up at gay bars.
As for the homoeroticism of leather?
All I can say is: don't most guys look kind of hot in a leather jacket?
But while there certainly are gay people involved in the leather scene (although most are not), it is not strictly a gay scene by any means.
Now excuse me, I have to go spank someone. Kiddin'!
Last year I did a piece for The New York Blade on exactly how gay or not the leather scene was. Unfortunately since the Blade web site has been restructured the piece is no longer available in their archives.
So I'll sum up.
The leather -- or leather/s & m/kink/fetish -- scene is not strictly a gay scene by any means. There are many heterosexuals interested in the various aspects of the scene. In fact gay men and lesbians only account for perhaps 20% of the scene with perhaps another 20% identifying as bi. Many gay/bi leather fetishists identify more with the leather community than they do with the LGBT community. In some cases it's considered a separate sexuality and/or way of life. Some "scenes" are erotic without necessarily being sexual -- that is, involving intercourse or some kind of physical sexual conduct that we generally refer to as "sex." The leather/kink scene is considered separate from what some of its participants call "vanilla sex" -- the everyday stuff that the rest of us engage in.
The leather scene runs the spectrum from guys in leather outfits who may simply like the look of, or have a genuine fetish for, leather [or guys who simply like the masculine atmosphere of gay leather bars, although bear culture has superseded this a bit] to people of all kinds of persuasions who get involved in kinky scenes involving role-playing. S & M [sadomasochistic] activities may consist of mild spanking to tying someone up [bondage and discipline or B & D] to role-playing wherein a couple operate as slave and master in their relationship -- all the time.
Frankly, whether you find some of this stuff a turn-on, repellent, or just plain silly, depends on your interest, sensibilities, and whatever excites you. Most people have some sort of fetishes, particular things that turn them on. This has nothing to do with their characters or what kind of people they are. Most of it is just harmless, kinky fun although I've no doubt there are scenes that some of us might find scary. [One "extreme" gay sport is fist-fucking, with a fist substituting for a penis. It has always been considered risky behavior, and most gay men don't practice it. It may well be done by heterosexual couples into analism as well.]
When it comes to the leather scene, the whole business of sexual orientation can become muddled anyway. In other words, a man who wants to be spanked or humiliated by another man may not necessarily be attracted to that man or want to have "regular" sex with him. Yet since the spanking is erotic, it could be called a homoerotic scene. Presumably most heterosexual men would therefore rather be spanked etc. by women (and vice versa). This may also be why some leather people identify as bi -- not because (in their cases) they are attracted to both men and women but because they'll get involved in certain scenes with both men and women or both at the same time. [A self-hating repressed homosexual may want to be debased/humiliated by another man.]
Yes, there are leather lesbians. And there are straight leather guys who dress up much like gay leather men [that is in full leather regalia and not just a leather jacket] but who do their thing at private clubs or homes or leather expos instead of meeting up at gay bars.
As for the homoeroticism of leather?
All I can say is: don't most guys look kind of hot in a leather jacket?
But while there certainly are gay people involved in the leather scene (although most are not), it is not strictly a gay scene by any means.
Now excuse me, I have to go spank someone. Kiddin'!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Who's Kinky?
Are gay men kinkier than straight men, perhaps in that they're more open to trying new things? Anon.
Interesting question. Right off the bat I'd say that kinkiness -- an interest in outre or unconventional sexual practices -- has little to do with sexual orientation. Lots of people, male or female of all persuasions, have kinks or fetishes -- this is entirely normal. There are probably yahoo groups devoted to every type of kink or fetish imaginable, some of which you may find erotic and others disgusting.
Gay men were (and in some quarters still are) considered sexual outlaws, so some of them may be more open to experimentation than straight men. But if a straight man or woman finds something to be a particular turn on (and it isn't illegal, immoral or fattening -- and even if it is) they may be just as likely to indulge in a little kinkiness now and then or even on a regular basis especially if it's a big, big turn-on for them.
Aspects of the leather/s&m scene have always been considered a little kinky and fetishistic. And while the leather scene has always been a vibrant part of the gay scene, the fact is that there are heterosexual men and women who are leather and s&m/b&d enthusiasts.
So ultimately I'd have to say that gay men -- some of whom are downright conventional in their sexual habits -- are not "kinkier" than straight men.
Interesting question. Right off the bat I'd say that kinkiness -- an interest in outre or unconventional sexual practices -- has little to do with sexual orientation. Lots of people, male or female of all persuasions, have kinks or fetishes -- this is entirely normal. There are probably yahoo groups devoted to every type of kink or fetish imaginable, some of which you may find erotic and others disgusting.
Gay men were (and in some quarters still are) considered sexual outlaws, so some of them may be more open to experimentation than straight men. But if a straight man or woman finds something to be a particular turn on (and it isn't illegal, immoral or fattening -- and even if it is) they may be just as likely to indulge in a little kinkiness now and then or even on a regular basis especially if it's a big, big turn-on for them.
Aspects of the leather/s&m scene have always been considered a little kinky and fetishistic. And while the leather scene has always been a vibrant part of the gay scene, the fact is that there are heterosexual men and women who are leather and s&m/b&d enthusiasts.
So ultimately I'd have to say that gay men -- some of whom are downright conventional in their sexual habits -- are not "kinkier" than straight men.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Brutal Gay Porn on the Web
Dear Dr. Bill: I'm a gay man and for years I've realized that I'm intrigued and fascinated (OK, turned on) by porn movies or pictures that depict heavy-duty bondage and BDSM activities. Sometimes these are quite brutal. Undoubtedly I'm not alone: There are clearly tons of Web sites devoted to this fetish, as well as large sections of video stores. (I don't really know what goes on in leather bars or clubs.) The thing is...this stuff tends to really bother me, in the sense that I worry whether it's moral, whether it's good for the "victim" or exploitative, whether it's good for society and the gay community...and what it says about the people who salivate over this kind of stuff (including, now and then, me). I don't want to sound preachy or judgmental. I'm just concerned that it might NOT be a good thing that people (not only gays) are routinely giving in to their "dark side" these days and getting pleasure from pain, and calling it normal.
I mean, a few decades ago this probably would have been viewed as highly abnormal or wrong, yet the widespread presence of the Internet has made it all seem acceptable and commonplace. I remember many years ago in high school, a teacher asked us to define evil, and I said something like, "Getting pleasure from someone else's suffering." To me, that's still a pretty decent definition ... yet I wonder how the present fascination with the erotic side of pain fits in with that definition.
Yesterday I was bored and horny and used my credit card to pay for a month's membership on a gay bondage/pain Web site...the usual pics and videos of cute young gays being restrained on tables and crosses and abused (seemingly or in reality -- sometimes it's hard to say). After a few hours of this I felt really bad about myself and a bit depressed that this is not a moral activity for anyone ... that it's harmful to me, harmful to the actor, harmful to society. You might say that no one is harmed if everyone is consenting and going into it knowingly. But I feel bad that these young guys may be taken advantage of in the worst way and might be forced to go through these activities because of bad lives (poverty, addiction, etc.). If they need money desperately, is it really their free will?
I realize that every person's psyche is painted with both light and dark colors, that it's likely that ANY person can be aroused by either ecstasy or agony. No one is above feeling pleasure when someone else is suffering. But should it be such a widespread entertainment phenomenon? What does that say about us, if instead of repressing it we are turning it into a huge industry? Decades from now, what will be happening in these movies as the envelope is pushed more and more? Or have I just been watching too many scenes with Yoda and Vader in"Star Wars" movies? It would be great to hear your thoughts and readers' comments. P.
Thanks for your question. This may sound odd, but while I was reading it I was reminded of the debate over horror comics of the fifties, and mad slasher films of the 70's, and so on. What's that got to do with gay S&M porn? Horror comics and slasher films (or splatter movies) are dark and brutal and lots of perfectly normal people love them. Lots of people like to venture into the dark side now and then -- look at the popularity of Stephen King, Clive Barker (gay, by the way) -- and all the top-grossing super-gruesome horror flicks that abound (with victims dispatched in the most graphic, terrible ways). Most of these books and movies have a strong (generally hetero) erotic component to them. Now imagine if they had homoerotic twists... The violence in many of these films has often been considered pornographic. It troubles many people that this kind of stuff is considered entertainment -- it's troubled me at times -- yet most of the people watching these movies and reading these books (myself included) are not abnormal.
Now let's look at gay (or for that matter straight S&M porn). For that matter, let's look at the whole leather/S&M scene, which is not strictly gay but has historically been a big part of gay culture. On the one hand, we have leather fetishists who simply enjoy the feel and look of leather -- it makes them feel sexy and they are attracted to men with the same look. Not every leather fetishist is into S&M (sadomasochism) or B& D (bondage and discipline, a milder form of S&M).
I remember a friend once saying to me that the leather/s&m scene "wasn't about beating somebody up." It could be as simple as adding some titillation or "kinkiness" to a sexual episode. Or it could be a complete "lifestyle." I have known couples who live as slave and master, with one being dominant and the other submissive, but it was simple role-playing, something that turned them on. Again, it wasn't about "beating somebody up." Tying somebody up and having (consensual) sex with them when their movements are constricted, spanking or smacking somebody's bottom, seem like fairly harmless activities to me. [However, one should never allow someone you don't know well, or fully trust, to tie you up, blindfold you, or anything along those lines.]
I go to leather bars sometimes because I enjoy the masculine atmosphere, but I'm not there on the nights when you must wear regulation leather outfits. There are, admittedly, things about the scene that I'm unfamiliar with, and things that disturb me. Rightly or wrongly, the leather scene is seen as one where there is sexual experimentation of a more outre kind. For instance, fist-fucking. But it would probably be very unfair or inaccurate to suggest that every habitue of a leather bar is into extreme sex or total kinkiness.
What's most troubling to me about the extreme S&M scene is the aspect of degradation. Do some gay men want to suffer physical pain or humiliation due to internalized homophobia? Years ago I was on a radio program with a slave-type whose comments about feeling miserable and degraded ran counter to everything I believed as a gay man and activist. When I mentioned this he said that I just didn't get it. The whole point for him was to feel miserable and degraded. That's what turned him on. Conversely, do some gay men want to abuse/degrade other gay men because of their own self-hatred, only turned onto someone else? Is it a good thing to be aroused by being degraded or by wanting to degrade others? You can see the problem. (And how to explain heterosexuals who are into pain and degradation? I suppose even straights can have issues relating to self-worth.)
However, it would be all too easy to be simplistic. The leather/s&m community is undoubtedly as diverse as the larger gay or GLBT community. A lot depends on one's personal preferences. As an example, there are some people who would call being urinated on an act that is completely degrading to them. Others would say, "big deal, it's harmless. Just take a hot shower after a golden shower and who cares?" There was a time people thought performing fellatio or being sodomized was degrading but today we're more enlightened. Still, many people would rather keep waste products out of a sexual episode.
I suppose as long as it sticks to role playing and titillation, I can't see any harm to SMBD either in reality or in porn. But if someone is at the point where they can only be turned on by extreme mental and physical suffering and degradation ... ? Not healthy, I'm afraid. However, just because one enjoys it in a movie doesn't mean that's the only way they can get off in real life.
As for the actors in these films and the possibility that they're being exploited. Certainly some porn actors (and hustlers) have been desperate people who were exploited by the industry, but more often people go into these films for the excitement, the sex, and the money. I imagine the acts in hardcore S&M films are probably not simulated, just as they are simulated in soft core porn. Even in hardcore films a lot of it is probably play-acting like wrestling.
Ultimately, you're not really getting pleasure from somebody's suffering because a.) most of it is staged and b.) even if it isn't, they're not "suffering" if they enjoy it. Okay, that's probably a cop-out. But, whatever the situation, you're still just watching actors in a movie. If you enjoy their suffering it may be no different than the way the audience anxiously awaits the next victim to get slaughtered in a mad slasher film. Disturbing, maybe. But not necessarily something to worry about.
I'll end for now with a laugh. Years ago I was with a friend in a [non-leather] bar when I took my belt off and jokingly slapped it against his ass a few times as he bent over. After a minute or two it became serious; we were both enjoying it. Later on one of the two bartenders told me, "We don't like that sort of thing in here -- take it down to the docks!" The other bartender told me: "That's the most exciting thing that's happened here in years!"
So you see -- different strokes (pun intended)!
I mean, a few decades ago this probably would have been viewed as highly abnormal or wrong, yet the widespread presence of the Internet has made it all seem acceptable and commonplace. I remember many years ago in high school, a teacher asked us to define evil, and I said something like, "Getting pleasure from someone else's suffering." To me, that's still a pretty decent definition ... yet I wonder how the present fascination with the erotic side of pain fits in with that definition.
Yesterday I was bored and horny and used my credit card to pay for a month's membership on a gay bondage/pain Web site...the usual pics and videos of cute young gays being restrained on tables and crosses and abused (seemingly or in reality -- sometimes it's hard to say). After a few hours of this I felt really bad about myself and a bit depressed that this is not a moral activity for anyone ... that it's harmful to me, harmful to the actor, harmful to society. You might say that no one is harmed if everyone is consenting and going into it knowingly. But I feel bad that these young guys may be taken advantage of in the worst way and might be forced to go through these activities because of bad lives (poverty, addiction, etc.). If they need money desperately, is it really their free will?
I realize that every person's psyche is painted with both light and dark colors, that it's likely that ANY person can be aroused by either ecstasy or agony. No one is above feeling pleasure when someone else is suffering. But should it be such a widespread entertainment phenomenon? What does that say about us, if instead of repressing it we are turning it into a huge industry? Decades from now, what will be happening in these movies as the envelope is pushed more and more? Or have I just been watching too many scenes with Yoda and Vader in"Star Wars" movies? It would be great to hear your thoughts and readers' comments. P.
Thanks for your question. This may sound odd, but while I was reading it I was reminded of the debate over horror comics of the fifties, and mad slasher films of the 70's, and so on. What's that got to do with gay S&M porn? Horror comics and slasher films (or splatter movies) are dark and brutal and lots of perfectly normal people love them. Lots of people like to venture into the dark side now and then -- look at the popularity of Stephen King, Clive Barker (gay, by the way) -- and all the top-grossing super-gruesome horror flicks that abound (with victims dispatched in the most graphic, terrible ways). Most of these books and movies have a strong (generally hetero) erotic component to them. Now imagine if they had homoerotic twists... The violence in many of these films has often been considered pornographic. It troubles many people that this kind of stuff is considered entertainment -- it's troubled me at times -- yet most of the people watching these movies and reading these books (myself included) are not abnormal.
Now let's look at gay (or for that matter straight S&M porn). For that matter, let's look at the whole leather/S&M scene, which is not strictly gay but has historically been a big part of gay culture. On the one hand, we have leather fetishists who simply enjoy the feel and look of leather -- it makes them feel sexy and they are attracted to men with the same look. Not every leather fetishist is into S&M (sadomasochism) or B& D (bondage and discipline, a milder form of S&M).
I remember a friend once saying to me that the leather/s&m scene "wasn't about beating somebody up." It could be as simple as adding some titillation or "kinkiness" to a sexual episode. Or it could be a complete "lifestyle." I have known couples who live as slave and master, with one being dominant and the other submissive, but it was simple role-playing, something that turned them on. Again, it wasn't about "beating somebody up." Tying somebody up and having (consensual) sex with them when their movements are constricted, spanking or smacking somebody's bottom, seem like fairly harmless activities to me. [However, one should never allow someone you don't know well, or fully trust, to tie you up, blindfold you, or anything along those lines.]
I go to leather bars sometimes because I enjoy the masculine atmosphere, but I'm not there on the nights when you must wear regulation leather outfits. There are, admittedly, things about the scene that I'm unfamiliar with, and things that disturb me. Rightly or wrongly, the leather scene is seen as one where there is sexual experimentation of a more outre kind. For instance, fist-fucking. But it would probably be very unfair or inaccurate to suggest that every habitue of a leather bar is into extreme sex or total kinkiness.
What's most troubling to me about the extreme S&M scene is the aspect of degradation. Do some gay men want to suffer physical pain or humiliation due to internalized homophobia? Years ago I was on a radio program with a slave-type whose comments about feeling miserable and degraded ran counter to everything I believed as a gay man and activist. When I mentioned this he said that I just didn't get it. The whole point for him was to feel miserable and degraded. That's what turned him on. Conversely, do some gay men want to abuse/degrade other gay men because of their own self-hatred, only turned onto someone else? Is it a good thing to be aroused by being degraded or by wanting to degrade others? You can see the problem. (And how to explain heterosexuals who are into pain and degradation? I suppose even straights can have issues relating to self-worth.)
However, it would be all too easy to be simplistic. The leather/s&m community is undoubtedly as diverse as the larger gay or GLBT community. A lot depends on one's personal preferences. As an example, there are some people who would call being urinated on an act that is completely degrading to them. Others would say, "big deal, it's harmless. Just take a hot shower after a golden shower and who cares?" There was a time people thought performing fellatio or being sodomized was degrading but today we're more enlightened. Still, many people would rather keep waste products out of a sexual episode.
I suppose as long as it sticks to role playing and titillation, I can't see any harm to SMBD either in reality or in porn. But if someone is at the point where they can only be turned on by extreme mental and physical suffering and degradation ... ? Not healthy, I'm afraid. However, just because one enjoys it in a movie doesn't mean that's the only way they can get off in real life.
As for the actors in these films and the possibility that they're being exploited. Certainly some porn actors (and hustlers) have been desperate people who were exploited by the industry, but more often people go into these films for the excitement, the sex, and the money. I imagine the acts in hardcore S&M films are probably not simulated, just as they are simulated in soft core porn. Even in hardcore films a lot of it is probably play-acting like wrestling.
Ultimately, you're not really getting pleasure from somebody's suffering because a.) most of it is staged and b.) even if it isn't, they're not "suffering" if they enjoy it. Okay, that's probably a cop-out. But, whatever the situation, you're still just watching actors in a movie. If you enjoy their suffering it may be no different than the way the audience anxiously awaits the next victim to get slaughtered in a mad slasher film. Disturbing, maybe. But not necessarily something to worry about.
I'll end for now with a laugh. Years ago I was with a friend in a [non-leather] bar when I took my belt off and jokingly slapped it against his ass a few times as he bent over. After a minute or two it became serious; we were both enjoying it. Later on one of the two bartenders told me, "We don't like that sort of thing in here -- take it down to the docks!" The other bartender told me: "That's the most exciting thing that's happened here in years!"
So you see -- different strokes (pun intended)!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)