Love and Justice

Years ago I fell in love with a man who basically told me he hated me and wanted me out of his life even though I did nothing wrong but tell him I liked him.  With the horrible way he treated me, I thought his behavior was indicative of a personality disorder. But this past July he and his boyfriend of 4 years got married.  This is a picture; as you can see, they are beautiful. I really thought that the man who treated me so horribly would have been punished somehow.  But as you can see, he has been rewarded immeasurably with a man who is 15 years younger, tall, broad-shouldered with a great smile.  Did I forget to mention he practically supports him.  Anyways, will my heart ever be mended?  Will I ever find justice?  Will the guy on the right ever get karma?

Here are my thoughts on this:

First,  if things haven't worked out, for one reason or another, with someone you hoped might become a significant other, one of the biggest mistakes you can make is checking their Facebook page to see who they wound up with -- or if they wound up with anybody. I'm speaking from experience here. If you happen to be single, looking at photos of the guy you really liked enjoying happy domesticity, vacations, a life together, with someone else practically amounts to an act of masochism. 

However, keep in mind -- as a friend recently reminded me --  that photographs of smiling faces do not always tell the whole story. You do not know if this couple are going to have decades of wedded bliss or if it will all fall apart in a few months [not to be mean, of course, but gay marriages are just as subject to failure and divorce as straight ones].

If it's true that this guy told you he hated you simply because you liked him [and presumably he didn't feel the same], then he does sound like he has some kind of personality disorder, (or is there more to the story) and you are probably well rid of him!  He's that other guy's problem now. And if he's supporting the younger man, how do we even know this is a real love match, or if he may come to regret ever hooking up with the unemployed fellow? [Of course, gay husbands have just as much a right to support their spouses as straight ones do.]

But ultimately none of that is important. Your heart will mend. Forget about this guy, stop checking out their Facebook pages, move on, find love elsewhere, with someone who will treat you with kindness and the right kind of passion. You don't need justice, you need a boyfriend!

In the meantime, it's okay to indulge in a little mean-spiritedness. [For instance: In my case, the guy I liked dumped me for a guy who was ten years younger than me. Is it my fault if I can't help but note that his lover happens to look ten years older, LOL!]

For all you know, the younger lover of the guy you liked may run off with all of his money, leaving him homeless and desperate. I discovered that there's rarely any need to get revenge on anybody; life's problems are revenge enough. Besides, was this guy as terrible to you as you suggest, or was it simply that he just wasn't interested? That doesn't necessarily make him evil, although he may seem that way to you.

It's worth repeating that if he was an evil dickhead, you are well rid of him. 

Freedom to Marry campaign

Hello Bill

I thought you would like to know about the new crowdfunding campaign to raise money for the nonprofit, Freedom to Marry - The campaign just launched and was started by four LGBT companies who are donating all of the campaign's "thank you gifts" - Wolfe Video, Sweet Travel, oneGoodLove.com and Lesbian.com. So far, we've almost raised $2,000! The full story is below.

• Here is the campaign: http://igg.me/at/freetomarry

• Our press release is here: http://prlog.org/12170587

• We have till August 5th to raise our goal of $25,000 (or more) and would love your support.

• We also have a short redirect link for Twitter: http://yeslgbt.com


Thank you,

Jennifer L. Jacobson, Wolfe VideoDirector of Crowdfunding


Thank you for the information. This is certainly a good cause to get behind and make a donation to! 

Love at First Wink

Dear Dr. Bill, My fiance and I are fighting for marriage equality. We created a website, LoveAtFirstWink.com (I winked on Match.com and we fell in love!), that's filled with resources, articles, organizations, and ways to fight for marriage equality and support the freedom to marry. It also includes our stories and photos so we can put a real couple to the face of marriage equality, not just judges and politicians. Our current initiative is to campaign to become the first same-sex couple to win a national wedding contest. The contest we've entered is the Crate&Barrel Ultimate Wedding. Currently we are the #1 LGBT couple and we stand in 2nd place out of 7,000+ entries. GLAAD has written about us: http://bit.ly/dEajV9 Freedom To Marry has too: http://bit.ly/ey6VDw We are contacting you for your support and endorsement. We'd like to see if there is a way we can work together to promote our cause. Please visit our website http://www.loveatfirstwink.com or go directly to our entry: http://www.loveatfirstwink.com/vote This won’t work without your help. We need votes to get the media attention marriage equality deserves. Sincerely, Robbie & Allen Founders www.LoveAtFirstWink.com Hey, guys. You've got my vote! And my support and endorsement. Gay couples should be able to marry in every state of the union and get all the benefits of marriage that straight couples enjoy [domestic partnership is not enough]. Readers, please check out their web site. Bill

Bi-Nationals

HELLO DR. BILL-- What do you think of the new law that has gone into effect in Arizona? I believe that this may be the catalyst we need in the LGBT community to push for the long overdo Immigration Reform Bill. As it stands there are about 37,000 people in this country that are part of a Bi National Couple, where the person here in the states has a partner in another country that they can't sponsor because they are considered "legal strangers". I am one of those people that has a partner that can not become a part of this country because of this law. I am writing to you to see what you think about all this and to ask if there is anything you could do to really help get the word out there even more about this issue concerning all of us in the states that are affected by these laws.

First, those interested can read more about this issue here [Lez-Get-Real] and here [Lambda Legal].

I think this is another reason why marriage equality is so important. Gay relationships -- even between domestic partners -- are still not seen as equal to straight relationships, and they must be.

It's a horrible situation that same-sex couples must remain separated because they are not seen as viable partners. Immigration reform, along with marriage equality, should be at the top of the gay political agenda.

Hopefully those couples who are now separated can someday in the not-too-far future live proud lives together.

More on this issue and what you can do in a future post.

Sticking to Conventions?

How many gay people do you think really want to get married and live a more or less straight life by adopting children and so on? Anon.

Well, I don't know if you could call it "living a straight life" when both partners are of the same sex, but I do understand that some less conventional gays have no particular desire to "mimic" straight people by marrying, having/adopting kids, and moving to the suburbs. [But let me say at the outset that not only are there unconventional straight couples who love city life, but many straight couples who have no interest in raising children. It's a personal call no matter what one's orientation.] Some gay couples have children because one of the partners was formerly married before "finding" him or herself. Another point: when gay couples adopt children they're giving homes and nurturing to orphans/abandoned kids who might otherwise have no parents or families. And gay parents do just as good a job as straight ones.

As many people have said, gay marriage is about marriage equality. Whether all gay people want to marry their partners or not is besides the point. Gays, like straights, should have the freedom to marry if they wish. Gay marriage sends a message that homosexual relationships are equal to heterosexual relationships, that gay people are not second-class citizens. Gays in this country pay taxes and are in general good citizens -- telling us we can't get married to one another is outrageous.

At the same time, the gay "lifestyle" was for many years sort of an "outlaw" lifestyle and even today many gay people kind of like that status, and want to be outside the "normal" conventions. For instance, they feel gay life is more accepting of "open" relationships [which is not necessarily true], sexual creativity and experimentation, and sexual activity outside the relationship. Marrying and having the proverbial 2.5 children does not interest such people at all. [And of course jokes have made the rounds to the effect that gays should consider themselves well out of the marriage business, as they can avoid all the hell of bitter divorce, custody battles, and alimony payments. But you have to take the good with the bad, right?]

But that's the thing. This is just another reminder of the incredible diversity of the gay community. And I daresay that those gays who reject marriage do and certainly should support it for others in their community who desire the same rights, privileges and protections that heterosexual married couples have.

So always keep in mind that gay marriage is less about marriage than it is about equality.

FREEDOM TO MARRY WEEK

February 8th to 14th is Freedom to Marry Week. As others have already stated, marriage equality is not just about marriage but about equality. If one truly believes that gays are equal to straights, and that same-sex relationships are equal to heterosexual relationships, then there is no good or sane reason not to support marriage equality for gay couples.

For more information, click on this link:

http://tinyurl.com/marriagepost

This is also a good time to remind everyone of an excellent documentary on gay marriage by Stephanie Higgins entitled The Gay Marriage Thing. For more information on this film click here.

Write to Marry Day

The fight for gay marriage is in reality a fight for equality. There have always been loving, committed gay couples-- many of whom have been together longer than many of their straight counterparts -- and gay couples deserve the same protections and privileges under the law that heterosexual couples have.

Sure I may snicker from time to time at modern-day gay couples who lust for the proverbial house with the white picket fence in the middle of the suburbs, not to mention 2.5 children -- it almost seems like an imitation of the conventional straight life I was raised in and longed to escape from -- but since I'm always yammering about the diversity of the gay community I have to say I'm all for everyone getting what they want whether it's my cup of java or not.

So I support gay marriage hands down. It won't automatically make some people easier with what we do in the privacy of our bedrooms, but it will bring us one step closer to equality.

Bloggers of all stripes and persuasions across the land are posting on or before October 29th to register their opposition to Proposition 8, which would amend California's constitution by banning sex-sex marriages. This would not only be a giant step backward, but would increase the likelihood of a national bill, such as that supported by the likes of Sarah Palin, opposing same-sex marriages.

In these days of an uneasy economy, there are those who might feel that gay marriage is not an important issue. I say that when the equality of several million Americans is called into question, then that certainly makes it an extremely important issue.

It goes to the very heart of the bedrock upon which this nation was built. Freedom from intolerance, equality for all. It is as much of paramount concern as the ongoing civil rights struggle for African-Americans, not to mention the fight for women's rights and against anti-Semitism and all other forms of blatant discrimination.

Hence this post in honor of "Write" to Marry Day.

The Gay Marriage Thing

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Proposition 8 Call to Action

From the Lesbian Mommy blog, a call to action:

With 8 weeks to go until Proposition 8 comes to a vote in the State of California, in effort to strike down the measure we call all members of the LGBT community and their supporters to take action with us!We need your help to put a face on the lives of those that this proposition affects!! Help us to ‘get visible’ and let our presence as upstanding citizens of this world be seen by all. We need to raise awareness amongst all citizens of the good State of California of the need to stand up for equal rights by vowing to Vote NO on Prop 8 on the up and coming Election Day, November 4, 2008. We call all who support equality and fairness to help us "Personalize Prop 8 across the State!"

You can read the rest of the post and learn what you can do here:

http://lesbianmommy.blogspot.com/2008/09/lgbt-community-call-to-action.html

Go to it!

Blacks More Homophobic?

I have heard of a report which suggests that black people are more homophobic than white. Is this true? Anon.

Actually one study suggested that white people were more accepting of gay marriage than black people. And there are (mostly white) homophobes who are saying that if gay marriage is accepted it will supposedly help deteriorate the black family because black men (I assume they mean those on the "down-low") will not marry the mothers of their children. But since most of those down-low guys (who belong to all ethnic backgrounds, not just African-American) are deeply ashamed of their homoerotic feelings one can't imagine them marrying one of the guys they have sex with.

Let's keep things in perspective. Yes, there are homophobic African-Americans, and yes there are racist gays. But there are also Out and Proud Gay African-Americans as well as many straight African-Americans who are committed to Gay Rights (just as there have been many gays who have been committed to the civil rights struggle for blacks.) The fact that some members of minority groups have issues with other minority groups should not be used as an excuse to tolerate bigotry of any kind. Gays who may have conscious or sub-conscious racist feelings should not think those feelings are justified simply because there are homophobic African-Americans.

Our Gay Black Brothers and Sisters have a tough enough time belonging to two misunderstood minority groups. Let's not make it worse for them.

As for the homophobes, whatever race they may belong to: Let's do our best to educate them, and if that doesn't work, give them a good swift kick in the pants!