Boyfriend with Gay Issues

I stumbled upon your blog in searching for answers. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. He is what you would call a "mans man" and he works out all the time and has a pretty good body. Well everything started when I was on his computer (early early in the relationship) and I was looking on Craigslist and all these m4m searches popped up....naturally I asked. Even was like I won't judge you etc....just told me he didn't know about it and his email was hacked. I'm not an idiot or technologically retarded. .. well I found other stuff that shows he's been on Craigslist while in our relationship looking for men.... I don't think he has cheated on me yet. I don't know if this is weird or what but I would be okay with him being with guys on he side as long as it didn't affect our relationship and I don't think it would be an all the time thing. I want to confront him about this stuff and not in an accusatory way but I'm not even sure how to start it. I think he's embarrassed of it and hasn't admitted it to himself that he might be bi. A big red flag is he bashes gays all the time. I want to marry this guy and maybe I'm crazy thinking it could work. But I also stumbled upon a forum asking women if they would let their husband have dick on the side or join in and I have got to say I agree with it and I want him to be able t tell me the truth. What I am thinking of doing is showing him the website and simply say I am in agreement with this I wasn't born yesterday and I know your computer or email account didn't get hacked. What is the best way to approach this touchy subject with him?
Supportive gf 

First I have to say that you're much too blase about his interest in men. I think women who "let men have dick on the side" are being unrealistic and asking for trouble -- being unfair to themselves and to their husbands/boyfriends, especially when you consider that most "bisexual" men are homosexuals who go with women because they're ashamed of being gay. How could his going with guys not affect your relationship? You're absolutely right that gay-bashing is a Big Red Flag. This guy has serious issues with his sexuality, and is probably a homosexual man who, at this point in his life, doesn't want to be gay. I'm not always "politically correct" on the subject, but in my educated opinion, the whole bisexual thing has been overblown.

I suggest you start a conversation on homosexuality/bisexuality [he may be more comfortable at first talking about the latter] by discussing gay marriage and his opinion of it; talking about a gay friend; saying you have a woman friend whose husband likes men, etc. Anything to get the ball rolling. Be non-judgmental and non-accusatory. If he admits he is attracted to men -- although he probably won't -- suggest he get counseling or therapy from a sympathetic professional so he can finally come to accept himself.  Of course, that may well mean the end of your relationship.

Unfortunately, I've known many women who marry conflicted guys like this, and believe me, it never works out.

Boyfriend with No Libido

Good Day

I wonder if you would be able to help me with a situation.

My boyfriend and i live together, I feel he has a dark secret [?] that he has not told me.  He in the past had gay friends whom he used to act with in the theater, as well as socialize with outside of theater. He has told me that when a gay male hit on him they would protect him saying he is straight.
Recently he divulged that he went skinny dipping with a male he suspected might have been gay. I very much doubt a straight male would feel comfortable having a naked swim with a possibly gay male? [Not every straight man thinks a gay man is going to rape him! -- Bill] He is very aware of gay men and i get a "whiff" of something when we happen to pass a gay male together, gay men are definitely looking at him and he notices them too.  He introduced me to an acquaintance, then later whispered in my ear he thinks the guy is in the closet.  My boyfriend has no libido and our sex life is terrible.  He has told me that anything to do with his anus is out of bounds as he has hemorrhoids.[Why would you want to go near his anus?]  He has a lot of patience [?]with gay people and so do I. I have asked him if he is bisexual or gay. His reaction to the gay question was not what i expected, he jumped up off the couch grabbed a cigarette, was very angry and told me he's never felt so insulted in all his life. He promises me that he is not gay? He did have an abusive father, but says he was never sexually molested by anyone...i am not too convinced of this?  He seldom performs oral on me (saying he doesn't do that often anyway) and seldom initiates sex saying he has no libido and suffers with erectile dysfunction, his testosterone is low (has had an injection for it) and he is going to the doctor to find out what is wrong with his body. He has suffered with ED since early 30s during his marriage.
I find him a very loving but totally oversensitive person in the aspect of he does not like a massage, a loving caress anywhere on his body in the same place for too long causes him great irritation and he says he cant stand it. He is getting so upset with me as I need intimacy in our relationship, he says the right things, treats me well etc...yet i cannot bond with him? All i want is for him to admit he is either gay/bisexual as that is only fair to me. 
Thanks so much

Your boyfriend has a lot of issues, in fact you both do. It's possible that he shies away from sexual contact because he's embarrassed by his impotency, which can have any number of causes. Doesn't mean he's gay. Sadly, most [straight] men over-react when someone suggests that they might be into guys. If you mention it again be non-judgmental and non-accusatory. Start a discussion by asking what he thinks of gay marriage and go on from there. I understand you both need to move on if it turns out he's basically homosexual.

I think you both have a problem with perhaps thinking that gay men are predators -- this business about him being "protected" when a guy made a pass at him, for instance. Some straight men think a gay guy is "making a pass" simply if he engages him in conversation! You come off a bit like a woman who is scared that your boyfriend will turn gay or come out if he succumbs to seduction from a gay man. But if he's gay he's gay, and nobody and nothing can just turn him into a homosexual.

Anyway, he sounds like he could use therapy, if for no other reason than to help him with his erectile dysfunction.

Straight or Not?

hello Dr Bill, 

I have been dating my bf for almost two years. Our relationship is PERFECT and we love each other very much. he's 31 and I'm 25. My only problem is that i have concerns that he might be gay.. or curious! 2 years ago, before we dated he told me that "no straight man can ever say he has never been attracted to a gay before, even just once".. since then i have always been very careful to see any other gay signs, which has been throughout our whole relationship. Last night we were watching a TV show and a clear gay scene popped up, a straight guy was flirting with a gay guy, and during that scene, I saw him quickly rub his dick in a very fast motion for about 5 seconds and then let go of it. what does this mean? Was he turned on by the scene? Is he gay? the last time i told him he's gay, he got very angry and broke up with me for a few hours. PLEASE HELP ME OUT!! I don't want to waste my time with him if he is a closet gay: we already have plans of getting married after i get my degree. He is a Tall Masculine man, which might be one of the reasons why he wouldn't want to "come out"! 

Well, there are still a great many men who are conflicted about their sexuality, and embarrassed by their sexual and romantic feelings for other men, but I can't say positively one way or the other about this fellow. Some men who are attracted to men will do or say absolutely anything to convince themselves that they're, deep down, heterosexual, including saying that "no straight men can say he was never attracted to a [gay] man," which sounds like he's justifying or trying to explain his feelings for men. He could be repressed as well as closeted. If you discuss it with him never simply tell him he's gay, or accuse him of it in a judgmental manner. Be sympathetic. If he's gay you both need to know so you can each move on into new relationships. You can start the discussion by, say, talking about the gay marriage debate, or saying you have a friend whose boyfriend might be gay. And see what happens.

Bear Chaser

I am a gay man and I am also a chaser, I have always been attracted to men in the Bear Community (Bears, Chubs, Otters, etc.). I don't know anyone in the Bear Community so I go to online sources to learn as much as I can about the Community. I read up on Bars and Events that I would really love to go and surround myself with the type of men I like but they always little to no reference to Chasers. I feel discouraged and even though I think I should just go to them anyway I am afraid I would be shunned because I am not someone who would be described as being part of the Bear Community. What should I do?

Go and have a great time. You have to remember that bears aren't always attracted to other bears [at least not exclusively] and chasers are always welcome at bear events. I go to bear bars and events and not only are there all shapes and sizes represented there, but there are always quite a few people who don't fit into the bear community at all. Since bears don't want to be put down for being -- in some cases -- big, chubby or extremely hirsute -- most will not put down or shun men who are smooth-skinned or without facial hair or who may be skinny. Everyone's welcome at a Gathering of Bears! [I am categorized as a hairy otter but I have dated other otters and bears as well as guys who just like bears.]

In other words, you may or may not find a boyfriend but you will probably have a lot of fun. Go to it!

And to meet bears online try bear411 and bearwww. Chasers are welcome at these sites!

Drinking to Deal with Gay Feelings?

Hi Dr. Bill:

I really hope you may have some input into my situation. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this.

I am 27, he is 41. We met 4 years ago in night school.  I asked him out but we never officially went on a date. We just studied together for a couple of  years. The first time we attempted to have sex, he was drunk and "it" didn't work. He got really angry. We tried again a couple weeks later and same thing. So, in two years we have never had sex. (well maybe once for like a couple seconds before he lost his erection). We now live and are in business together; he is always there for me emotionally and financially but I want to know what I have gotten into so I can figure out my life.

I can walk around naked and he doesn't bat an eye. He never touches me sexually. We hold hands, cuddle, kiss (no tongue). He does not have stereotypical signs that he's gay. I have gone down on him a couple of times (that he let me, he usually says he's tired or pushes me away), and every time he would just lay there and close his eyes. Afterwards, he would say thank you and continue doing whatever it was before (reading, TV, etc.) He has never reciprocated. I can masturbate in bed next to him and it doesn't phase him. He says to do whatever I need to do.

I have asked him if he was gay, and he says no. He said that when we met he wasn't ready for a girlfriend and so I had to give him time. I tell him I want passion and he says he does too and that it will come but we need to do X,Y, Z first. It seems to me that if it isn't there now, it never will be. He always is talking about how old he is. I think he is really depressed but won't talk about it with anyone. He self medicates with alcohol and passes out at bedtime every night. Maybe it is just the depression and drinking that is making him have no sexual drive whatsoever?

I found regular porn on his computer (nothing blatantly gay). I don't think he masturbates... not really sure. He doesn't ever want to shower with me. He pushes me away if I try to make a move. He gets angry if I get upset about the whole no sex thing and yells that he does so much for me and all I care about is getting "fucked". I am not sure he knows the difference b/t fucking and love making although not sure b/c I have no first hand experience with him.

He is a VERY PRIVATE person and doesn't want anyone to know anything about him.

He has a temper and tends to blow up about the stupidest things. He has come to counseling with me and tells the counselor everything is fine. She told me she had pretty good gaydar but has no clue about him.

He cries during movies. He tells me he loves me. He sits in front of his computer all day.... Many more things I am sure, but I'm getting long winded.

Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated when you get a chance. Thank you! Oh, I just want to say that I am completely ok if he is gay (which I have told him). I would still stay with him, I would just see people on the side and start filing out the adoption paperwork. :)


Okay, first I have to ask, why on earth would you stay with this guy if he's gay? That wouldn't be fair for either one of you. You need a man who can respond to you with full passion and commitment, and if this guy is gay he needs a man. Women who stay with gay boyfriends and husbands in sham relationships are doing neither themselves nor their men any favors. It's not 1950 when some women wrongly believed their gay husbands could "change." And why should they in any case? Staying in business together is one thing, but anything else wouldn't be advisable. If this guy is gay he needs to realize it, accept it, and deal with it, or he'll just keep drinking and be miserable.

That being said, this man's heavy drinking and his impotence could definitely be related, and he may push you away because he's embarrassed by the impotence. Alcohol consumption can certainly lead to "equipment failure." A 41-year-old man is not that old and certainly does not have to be impotent, and this would be the case even if he were twenty or thirty years older. [Impotence is rarely related to age.] His self-consciousness over his impotence may just as likely be his reason for avoiding sex as the possibility that he's gay.

I've caught no blatant red flags in what you've told me. Being sensitive and crying at sad movies does not add up to homosexuality, [As I've said many times, we need to get past stereotypes. There are sensitive and cultured straight men just as there are gay men who are insensitive and uncultured.] As for his counselor and her "gaydar," often that only means that a person doesn't conform to gay stereotypes. Since this is true of the vast majority of gay people, "gaydar" is relatively meaningless.

Some people have a very low sex drive or are even asexual for any number of reasons [depression would certainly be one of them]. There are now people who claim they were born without any sexual desire, and can only have romantic feelings for other people; the jury is still out on this claim and there's been much debate over the subject, but I mention this only as another possibility. 

Heavy drinking can be a sign that someone is deeply unsatisfied with his life and the way things have turned out. Could this guy be struggling with sexual identity? -- possibly, but I'd need a lot more to go on. It could be a mid-life crisis. He also could feel stressed out because you are younger than him. The forties is when people start to feel that they are getting older, and some people don't deal with it as well as others. In any case, getting drunk every day is not normal nor healthy, and can lead to much worse problems than impotence, such as liver and heart troubles. The cause of his drinking, be it bona fide alcoholism or just something he doesn't want to deal with, hence the anesthesia, has to be determined. It could be turmoil over repressed gay feelings or any number of other things. [Is his family liberal, pro-gay, homophobic, deeply religious? Often these are factors in whether a not a person can accept their homosexuality.]

Adding to your frustration is that this doesn't sound like a guy who wants to talk about his feelings, leaving you at sea and emotionally impotent. It's good that you're both going to counseling and perhaps some day a breakthrough will occur.

For now it sounds like you'll have to settle for companionship, which is better than nothing, but, frankly, it's not the real deal, which is what everyone deserves. If there's ever a time when he's more receptive, you might sit him down and start to discuss some of these issues in a non-judgmental way and maybe you'll have a breakthrough.

In the meantime, you might consider that hitching your wagon, so to speak, to a man who starts drinking at four every day and goes to bed blitzed every night, is problematic to say the least. If this keeps up, in five years he will look and act ten to twenty years older than he is or more, and will have developed very serious health issues.

BILL'S MEDIA WATCH: Stormwatch

Stormwatch is a comic book from DC Comics that features two prominent gay characters: blond, super-strong Apollo, and the leather-clad, dangerous, somewhat-psycho Midnighter. These two characters have actually been around for quite awhile, and they originally appeared as a gay couple with an adopted baby daughter in a series called The Authority, first published by Wildstorm [an imprint of DC Comics] in 1999 and written by Warren Ellis. [DC also briefly published a Midnighter series.] When DC decided to reboot its entire line of comics last year from Superman on down, the new Stormwatch book incorporated these two characters, erased their long history with the Authority, but kept them gay and attracted to each other. When I read that an amazon-like heroine was going to come between them in issue 18, I was afraid it would be some kind of cliched nonsense about a gay man and a straight woman fighting over the same allegedly bisexual guy [a la that crappy play Cock], but it was more about the hunky if naive and insecure Apollo's paranoia than anything else -- although how he could believe even for a second that Midnighter could be straight after all the flirting going on between the two is beyond me. Anyway, they share a hot kiss [see scan] at the end of the issue. It will be interesting to see how their romance plays out in the stories ahead. Stormwatch 18 was written by Peter Milligan and very well drawn by Will Conrad. Early issues of the comic have been somewhat confusing, but maybe Milligan will -- pardon me -- straighten it all out -- but not Apollo and Midnighter, please!

Who's the Butcher?

Do bisexual men, I mean men who may at one time have been married and had children, tend to be less stereotypical and more masculine than men who are strictly gay and have never been with women?

First, just because a man has been married [to a woman] had sex with women, or fathered children in the biological way doesn't necessarily make him genuinely bisexual -- but that's for another post.

Most, but certainly not all, gay men do a little experimenting in their younger days, some fooling around with the opposite sex, until they get it on with a guy and realize they've found what they're really looking for, and most have little interest in pursuing heterosexual relationships after that or toying with women's affections. Whether a man is stereotypically gay or not has absolutely nothing to do with the amount of experience he's had with women. I've met very masculine guys who've never had sex with a female, and very effeminate men who not only sleep with both men and women [without necessarily being bisexual] but have gotten married and fathered children. I'll never forget a party I went to one summer when there was a guy swishing around the room proudly showing off his wife and their new baby. If there are macho gay guys there are also effeminate straight guys, but somehow I didn't get the impression this fellow was especially straight.

I discovered over many years that the more you try to pigeonhole and stereotype the members of the gay and related communities, the more your expectations -- if your eyes are really open -- will be confounded.

Gay Porn on the Computer

Hi Bill, I am worrying myself for days since I found some links to a gay porn site on my and my boyfriend's computer. We have been living together for half a year and we are in a relationship for almost five years. I have never noticed he's into men in the past. However, we haven't had sex properly in so long that I don't even remember for how long. I suspected that he is cheating on me with another woman because he is chatting with a lot of girls on his facebook profile. A few days ago I even tried to talk with him about our problem and asked him if he is gay. He replied negatively and said that we both caused the situation we are in and have to work on it in the future. I was afraid to bring up the porn site. Today I saw that he went to that site again and I asked if he was watching it. He smiled at me and said no. I noticed he's visiting that site for a few months and has a username, " ----"  that makes me think he's confused about his sexual orientation. However, every time he visited the gay site he also visited heterosexual sites. I really need some help cause I don't know how to talk to him about that.

Well there are people that will tell you that straight guys have various reasons for looking at gay porn, but the number one reason is that they aren't straight. If he has some legitimate reason for looking at gay porn, why doesn't he discuss it openly with you? I also suspect that what you refer to as a porn site is actually a gay dating site with sexy and naked pictures of men on it. If he has registered on that site and has a user name it is probably because he wants to hook up with guys for sex, the chief purpose of those sites. 

You need to confront him on this issue in a non-accusatory and non-judgmental way. He may be going back and forth from gay and straight sites to try to convince himself he isn't gay, he could be bisexual [or at least thinks he is, but remember that most bi guys have a preference and it generally isn't women], or he's simply attracted to men but has ambivalent feelings about it. Does he come from a liberal background or a conservative one? How does he feel about gay people?

I suggest you tell him that you have a friend who is afraid her boyfriend is gay. This will start a discussion without necessarily focusing on him. Or at least talk about gay marriage, a hot topic, and see what his reaction is. There are men who are secretly homosexual, who seek out male sex partners, but who are so ashamed of it that they become quite homophobic and speak out against gay people in strongly negative terms, and that's usually a red flag. So is looking at gay porn and signing up with gay sex/dating sites. And so is not having any sex with your girlfriend for a long, long time. 

Some men in this position think that they aren't cheating on their wives or girlfriends if their sex partners are male, but of course that isn't the case. You also have to be concerned about whether or not he is using condoms during his possible past or future sex hook ups.

There is a strong possibility that your boyfriend is trying to come to terms with his homosexuality, and may even be struggling to come out or find some way to talk to you about it. You can help if you can get him to open up while being sympathetic.

His coming out will probably mean the end of your relationship, but at least you'll know what's up, and in the long run both of you will be better off for it, although it may not seem that way right now.

Changes A-Comin'

Shortly there will be some changes made to the ASK GAY DR. BILL  blog. The focus will still be on answering questions about gay life, but I will also include occasional think pieces and "Media Watch" posts about gay images on TV, in films, in fiction and in theater, as well as reviews of books of interest. My brother blog, "JATGAB" which I've been doing even longer than this blog, will be incorporated into Ask Gay Dr. Bill, making it much, much easier to keep things updated.

Thanks for reading! There's a lot of good stuff to come.

Gay -- or Commitment Phobic?

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost two years.  When we began dating he knew that I had two children, and he was very happy being in their lives. After a year and a half he decided he wanted to move in with me and my children and everything seemed to be fine however, during the last month of our relationship when he got drunk and he and I would have sex he’d ask me to stick my finger in his anus and he would only ask when he was drunk. Because when he was sober he said he was too embarrassed to talk about it. Now his best friend became single and he began hanging out with his best friend and one day he came home to tell me that he was having doubts about him, not me. I asked him if he was confused about his sexuality; he said no. When he left he told me he couldn't see me for a while because if he did he knew he would want to come back home and stay with me. Now him and his best friend are always together and are always hanging out, and they cannot be separated. He has no children and when he left he said he wasn’t sure if he wanted children or a family. So I decided to shut him out completely and when I did he said “I need you in my life, you're more than an ex-girlfriend; If I ever date again which I don’t think I will I believe I will be a lonely old man, I will always need you in my life" and now to make matters worse he feels the need to play a stepfather role in my children’s lives but he never speaks about us getting back together. We email and text a lot and he seems to be hanging on to what I don't know.

Well, to be honest, there's not a lot to go on here when it comes to the question of your ex-boyfriend's sexuality. Yes, most straight men [and a lot of gay men] don't want a finger up their anus, but that isn't a definite indication of homosexuality. Neither is his hanging out with his best friend all the time -- straight guys often do hang out with their buddies, it just depends on exactly what they're doing together ... If you had actually caught him in bed with a guy, looking at gay porn, or something. From what you say he might be a gay man struggling with his sexuality, trying to come to terms with an attraction for men while striving to be "straight" with a woman who is not quite a girlfriend anymore. He obviously feels or needs some connection to you. But it's also a possibility that he cares about you but isn't ready for a full commitment or long-term relationship. In other words, commitment-phobia.

I recognize that you feel as if you're in limbo. You have strong feelings for this man but he's sending all kinds of mixed messages. He wants to keep you as a friend but I suspect it would be too painful and disorienting for you to do the same as far as he is concerned, especially as you want him to be the main man in your life. Sit him down or email him and tell him all this, let out all of your feelings. In a non-judgmental way ask him again about his sexuality. Does he never want to date again or does he never want to date women? If he can't or refuses to give you some satisfactory answers to these questions, I would tell him that your door is closed and move on! Best, Bill