Are Gay Men More Hated Than Lesbians?

It's my perception that gay men are more hated than lesbians, and are more likely to lie about their orientation? Is this true? H.

Interesting question, but it's hard to determine. Years ago a study (which both straight-identified men and women participated in) suggested that lesbians were more "admired" because they were seen as being "like men" while there was more contempt for gay men because they were supposedly "like women." But this was many years ago, and only one study, and hopefully women's rights has done away with this idea that men are superior to women (although this attitude persists in sexist and stupid individuals of both sexes).

Just because some straight guys find the idea of two women ("hot babes" only) making out or having sex with each other to be titillating, doesn't mean they are accepting of real lesbians or same-sex relationships between two women. There have been many cases of lesbians coming up against blatant discrimination, and I'm sure if you asked any of them if they there was less prejudice against lesbians than gay men they would, understandably, cry foul.

Is there a female equivalent of the "down low," where someone has a straight relationship but secretly has same-sex encounters on the side? Probably, but there hasn't been much research into it. Women may in general be more open about their bisexual habits than men.

Comedians often make stupid jokes about lesbians, although it does seem as if "fag" jokes -- as opposed to "dyke" jokes -- abound, but it has to be remembered that whether someone is putting down or making fun of a gay man or a lesbian, they are being homophobic in either case. Gay men are also being put down by "dyke" jokes because they are anti-gay -- and vice versa.

Somehow the notion of men having sex with each other (especially when it comes to sodomy) seems to disturb people more than the idea of two women together. But this doesn't mean that lesbianism is totally accepted in our society any more than male homosexuality.

Water Sports/HIV update

A reader took me to task for saying that messing around with urine (water sports) can lead to HIV infection. I checked with the Gay Men's Health Crisis (GMHC) and here's what they had to say:

"Hi Bill,

Your anonymous reader was correct. Urine does not have enough sufficient quantities of HIV in it to pose a danger of HIV transmission. There are really only a few very select body fluids that actually transmit HIV from an infected person to another: Blood, semen (including pre-cum), vaginal fluids, and possibly rectal mucosa fluid (although this is still under research and has not been technically determined a fluid for HIV transmission but there has been enough research indicating high enough levels that the possibility for transmission exists). For more information concerning this issue, you may find these websites helpful:

Ø AIDS Info http://www.aidsinfo.nih.gov/.
Ø The Body http://www.thebody.com/.

Also, a helpful resource on the West Coast is Project Inform HIV/AIDS Treatment and information Hotline. They can be reached at 800-822-7422
(M-F 9:00am-5:00pm, Sat: 10:00am-4:00pm PST) or on the web at http://www.projinf.org/.

If you would like to talk about anything in this email or if you have any additional questions, please feel free to call us at GMHC Hotline. We can be reached toll free at 800-243-7692 Monday – Friday from 10am – 9pm and on Saturday 12pm – 3pm.

Sincerely,
The GHMC Hotline"

Thanks guys. Readers, if you have any questions or concerns, use the above numbers and links.

And my apologies for the misinformation.

Organ Obsession

Are gay men more obsessed with penis size than straight women? JW.

I don't think so, and let me make it clear that not all gay men are "size kings." Some men and women think the bigger the better, but it certainly isn't universal. Some people are actually turned off by a massive schlong. Others prefer thick, stubby members to long, lean ones. Different strokes for different folks! (Couldn't resist it!) I've no doubt there are men and women who are turned on by a large penis more than anything else, but others admire a man's face, body, personality even more. For most, it's the total package that counts.

There are many other things to admire about the male form, and many other qualities in each man to be attracted to.

Private Message

Okay. I got a private message on a gay dating site from a guy who wants to f--k around. Although my photos are up-to-date and accurately represent me, he doesn't seem to realize that he and I have not only met at a local gay bar -- he's generally a little tight -- but have had numerous conversations over the past couple of years. I find this really awkward. I'm not interested in him that way but I'm afraid if I ignore him or send a flippant answer he'll either be hurt or nasty, and this may create tension in the bar. I can't believe he doesn't realize we know each other but in his message he makes no reference to it at all. GH.

Maybe he just wants to get to the nitty gritty, if you know what I mean. (And remember that some people look a little different in photos, even recent ones, than they do in real life.) If he's always a little drunk when he runs into you, he may not only not remember the conversations you've had, he may not even remember you. If you're concerned what he'll say the next time you run into him, he may not even make the connection between the real you and the guy on the web site, even if you obviously look the same. I would handle this the way you would handle any private message from a guy who wants to fool around with you when you're just not interested. Either ignore it (which some feel is rude), tell him he's not your type (which some think is even ruder) or send a friendly, non-committal response: "how ya doin, or how are things goin', or nice to hear from you," and leave it at that. Since the guy doesn't even seem to realize or remember that the two of you have already met, personally I would just ignore the message. Your call.

Porn Star?!?

Okay, Dr. Bill, fess up. You look like an older bald version of Billy Bigelow, the bisexual adult film star of the 1980's (I mean you appeared in both gay and straight adult films). Aren't you one and the same person? Anon.

I have to save something for my memoirs. But I can tell you that I'm not bisexual.

Dating Trans Man

I am a gay man who is friends with a Trans Man who I like very much and find attractive. We've made out a couple of times but it's never gone any further. Recently he let me know that he wants to take our relationship to the next level. The problem is that, although he is definitely a man, he hasn't fully transitioned and still has a vagina. I don't want to hurt his feelings or lose him as a friend, but I have to admit that's a problem for me -- I'm into d--k. I feel like a bigot or something but it's just too big of a hurdle. Any advice? Anon.

You're not a bigot, you're just a gay guy who knows what he wants. Just as you respect your friend for being true to himself, you have a right to be true to yourself as well. [For the record a Trans Man is someone who was born biologically female but is male inside, and undergoes various procedures to look as masculine on the outside as he is on the inside. Unfortunately, many Trans Men cannot afford an artificial penis and when they can are disappointed with the way it looks. Therefore many retain female sexual organs.]

Trans Men, be they straight or gay, are in a difficult position because -- like it or not, and don't anybody kill the messenger -- a man with a vagina is still considered pretty exotic if not downright weird in our culture, even in the gay community. That perception will undoubtedly change over time. Also, while the public has known of male-to-female sex changes since the days of Christine Jorgenson, the opposite is not as well-known, which also will change over time. Gay men don't have a "fear of the vagina" as some have charged (an outdated, rather homophobic notion, in fact) they just have a disinterest in it -- it's not a turn-on. The same for straight women. Even bisexual individuals may not be attracted to a person who combines the characteristics of both sexes.

Some gay Trans Men find lovers in the edgier or "kinkier" members of the gay male community (or with each other). Yes, it sounds terrible, but that is how some have put it, and how some see sex with a man with a vagina. There's no point beating yourself up because you're not as -- for lack of a better word -- "kinky" as some.

If you were madly in love with this man, you might be able to overcome all obstacles (straight women have, on occasion, stayed with husbands who transition, for instance) -- but maybe not. It's likely that you would have a problem even with an "ordinary" man who for one reason or another lacked a male sex organ or had impotency problems. That doesn't make you prejudiced against Trans Men or anyone else. Just as the fact that you don't want to have sex with women who have vaginas doesn't make you a sexist.

My advice is to gently tell your friend how you feel. Assure him that you can give him friendship and love of the platonic variety. Don't lead him on by making out with him, even if you want to -- that's just not fair. He's got to know that it will not lead to anything of a lasting nature, or even to a hot sexual episode.

Be this guy's friend. If he's in love with you, it will be very difficult for him, and he may need to cut you out of his life to get over you. But maybe his feelings aren't that intense. Hopefully he will understand how you feel and you can continue to have a cherished friendship.

Operatically Speaking

Where did this notion come from that all gay men are obsessed with opera? I'm a gay man, and I like opera, but most of my gay male friends have never been and have no great interest in going. So where did this opera/gay men connection come from? BG

From the gay-oriented but essentially mainstream movie Philadelphia, in which Tom Hanks played a gay man who loved opera, and even described a scene from Umberto Giordano's masterpiece Andrea Chenier while Maria Callas sang the aria in the background. I like opera myself, but you're absolutely right that most of my gay male friends have no great interest in it. Ditto for musical comedies. Some gay men -- like some straight men and gay and straight women -- are into the arts because their parents were, and they grew up surrounded by culture. My parents went to see every Broadway show -- musical or not -- that was produced, and my mother and grandfather were major opera fans. Of course younger men in general tend to be more in tune with popular music, such as rock, rap, and hip hop, but there are exceptions.

For more on gay men and the arts, click here.

See you at the opera, baby!

Who's Gay?

Can you tell me if the following people are gay? Richard Burton, Laurence Olivier, Katharine Hepburn, Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Tab Hunter, Troy Donahue, Tyrone Power, Errol Flynn, Linus Roache, Hermione Gingold, Ernest Borgnine. Anon.

Jeez, what a list! I have to tell you I haven't had sex with any of these people so I don't know if any of them are -- or were-- gay. Linus Roache of Law and Order played a gay priest in the film Priest, but that doesn't mean he's gay in real life. However, Tab Hunter is openly gay and wrote about it in his autobiography. To my knowledge, the late Troy Donahue, another blond pretty boy of the period, was not gay. A recent biography of Katharine Hepburn by James Robert Parish goes into the private sexuality of both Hepburn and Spencer Tracy -- fascinating stuff. Ty Power and Errol Flynn's alleged bisexuality has been discussed in a number of Hollywood biographies. Donald Spoto's bio of Laurence Olivier suggested the great actor had an affair with Danny Kaye. Some people feel that Richard Burton, a desperate, drunken, self-publicizing womanizer if ever there were one, was in reality a Don Juan homosexual. Never heard anything about Ernest Borgnine except that he was married to Ethel Merman, who was rumored to have had an affair with writer Jacqueline Susann and other women. British actress Hermione Gingold? -- don't know a darn thing about her private life. As for Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise, people have yakked about the latter's sexuality, but as I've never had sex with Tom -- and don't really want to (and I'm sure he feels the same) -- I really can't say.

Hopefully some day all gay people will feel so comfortable and society will be so accepting that everyone will be Out and Proud and the guessing games will be over.

Falling in Love with Younger Man

I am falling in love with a man young enough to be my son (he is in his late twenties; I am in my late forties). We have a very good friendship and I don't want to lose it. I suspect that he is a bit lonely and relies on my friendship and company. I know I should do the sensible thing and not see him anymore before I get in too deep, but I know this would hurt him, and I know I would miss him a lot. I just don't know what to do. RR

A blunt question: Who is really the lonely one -- you or him? Young gay men occasionally develop attachments to older gay men who sort of become father surrogates to them. Meanwhile the older man is falling in love. Sometimes good, solid relationships can develop between two people of different generations, and that includes romantic relationships, but both parties have to share the same feelings. I suspect the real problem here is that you sense this young man only sees you as a platonic friend, whereas your feelings go much, much deeper.

My advice: Try and keep him as a friend, but replace him in your romantic and sexual fantasies with someone who can actually play these things back to you. The more time you spend devoted to this younger man, the less time you'll have to meet someone in your own age group, or at least someone of any age who can become a special person in your life. Don't spend all your time with this guy, as you probably do if you're as smitten as I suspect. Gradually your feelings for this young man may change, until he becomes a cherished friend, maybe the son you never had -- but not a love object.

The sad truth is that younger men often "rely" on older guys until they meet someone their own age and the friendship they have with the older guy then becomes less and less important. Some younger men end a friendship if they even suspect the older person has "feelings" for them, and it can be brutal. I'm not saying that that is always the case. As hard as it might be for you to do at this point, you will some day be able to see this fellow as someone you love but are not in love with, especially if you open your heart to the possibilities of finding someone else as a lover.

Don't despair over this situation. The forties is still young. Think of some happy future time when you and your lover and he and his lover can all get together as friends, a scenario that is certainly not impossible. In the meantime, get what you can from the friendship, but look around for someone else to fulfill your romantic and sexual fantasies.

Keep a positive attitude and Good Luck.

"Market Value"

A question for your blog:

What would you say to a gay man in his 40s who did all the hard work to come out and accept his sexuality two decades ago, but who now finds himself isolated, without confidence, and without a sex life because of...a psychiatric disorder?

I've been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder since I was 19 and it's been a rough ride, with lots of ups and downs, crushing mood swings, hospital stays, and interruptions of employment. But through it all I managed to continue to be persistent and work on having an "out" gay life: making gay friends, being active in gay organizations, dating, and keeping myself open to the possibility of a long-term relationship some day with someone who would love me and be attracted to me regardless of my health.

But recently it's become hard indeed to be optimistic about my romantic prospects. Two years ago I had a series of terrible manic episodes, alienated a lot of friends, lost a lot of money, lost a good job, and even had minor skirmishes with police. I am still not working and I get by on some savings and a modest Social Security disability check. I have to watch my money closely. I don't have a lot of hope for working full-time again, though it might happen. I am lonely. I feel very awkward about opening up about my illness to prospective new gay friends because I don't know how they would react. I think, and I believe accurately, that most gay men wanting dates or relationships want people without "baggage" and would not look kindly upon starting a new attachment to someone unstable or whose problems carry a lot of stigma.

To put it another way, I am discouraged because I think my "market value" in the gay dating game has plunged since I was young. I'm 20 years older than when I came out. I'm not in the greatest physical shape, partly because medication caused me to gain weight and it's hard to lose it. I'm not working (except for volunteering, which is fun), and I think gay guys really look for people with jobs and financial stability. I know I have good qualities...I'm smart, well-educated, creative, a great listener, empathetic (in part due to the rough experiences I have weathered). And I have many fascinating stories to tell. But still I can't get past the idea that 99% of the guys out there want to steer clear of someone like me, and that all those years of struggling to come out and tell everyone proudly that I was gay were wasted. Nothing much came from it. I'm basically cut off from the larger gay crowd now.

I am in therapy to explore these issues (no surprise!), but I'd like to hear your thoughts.

Yours, S.

First, I'm glad you're in therapy, because, as I'm sure you know, some things can't be solved or easily resolved even by the great Dr. Bill, LOL. However, I do have some positive things to say to you.

It may be true that most people -- gay or straight -- look for people without "baggage" when they're in the dating game, but it's also true that there are very few people who don't have some baggage. Regardless of sex or sexual orientation, loneliness may increase with age and people begin --although it sounds terrible to put it this way -- "settling," or -- to put it a better way -- becoming more realistic that there are very few princes out there, and that if you expect perfection in a person or relationship you're going to be either disappointed or alone. On dating sites most people put their best foot forward and don't mention the negatives. Total honesty is admirable, but there's no reason you should discuss anything so personal with someone who's simply an acquaintance. I would dare say that most people, no matter what their problems are, don't start revealing intimate, possibly "negative," details about themselves until they've gotten to know the other person better. Who knows what baggage the other person is carrying? (Be prepared. Once you "confess" -- or at least bring up some of your problems -- after a suitable period -- you may be surprised what the other person may tell you!)

Some men will be turned off by your problems and move on. Others may have come to like you so much that they'll want to continue. Give them time to get to know you and recognize your good qualities before you reveal all. As for not being in great shape, don't worry about it. As I've said before not all gay men are exercise nuts, and some guys are positively turned on by pot bellies. If necessary, you can always start an exercise program. As for money, people tend to think all gay men are rich, when the truth is that there are plenty of blue collar, and even unemployed, gay guys out there who won't judge you by your income level. I mean, first of all we're talking about sex and companionship, simply finding someone who's compatible. Perfection is not required in a friend or fuck buddy. It may lead to a relationship, or it may not. This is true whether you carry baggage or don't. [As for a sex life, the guys looking to get laid on gay dating sites don't really care about your baggage as long as you have a d--k!]

Don't worry too much about finding a lover. The forties is still young. Friends can help ease your sense of isolation and they're less likely to judge you or expect perfection. Sometimes friendship can deepen into something more.

If you do try online dating, you can usually tell from a guy's profile if he's the kind who only wants Men With Bucks, Hot Bodies, or Perfect Princes. Such guys are generally full of themselves and so are their profiles. And they don't hear from as many guys as you might imagine, no matter what they look like. Guys who act like they're just so special and want the same are often a turn-off. I mean, they're on the same dating site as everyone else so maybe they're not so special. Maybe they even have baggage they don't want everyone to know about.

Never, ever feel that the struggle to come out was "wasted." Your problems would be worse and even more difficult to deal with if you were also struggling with self-hatred and non-acceptance. Continue to have a healthy attitude toward being gay. Believe me, the biggest barrier to finding a lover is internalized homophobia. Most gay men can sense this problem in other men and that's the one thing that they don't want to have to deal with. It's impossible to have a healthy gay relationship if you hate yourself or hate being gay, and I wouldn't be surprised if that's the chief reason many are not in relationships.

You have a lot on your plate, but remember that you're not alone. Not only are their many gay men who have similar financial and health/psychiatric issues, there are those who are dealing with being HIV positive (talk about a lowered dating "market value," although even that can be dealt with, as there are support and social groups for HIV+ men). You could explore the possibilities of getting into a support group for men over forty and I'll bet you'll find that most of the guys have problems of some nature (which is equally true in the hetero community). Everyone has problems of one sort or another; that's life!

So try to keep a positive attitude. Let people get to know you and like you. Nobody is required to tell a new acquaintance everything about themselves.

Best of luck! Let me know if there's anything else I can help with.