Gay Men vs. Lesbians?

I have some gay friends who insist that lesbians hate gay men, and since I've never had that experience, I wonder where this is coming from? Is this some kind of sexism or even homophobia? I was very disturbed by the attitudes of some people. P.S. I am a gay man in my forties.

Let me make it clear that well-adjusted gay people, those who accept themselves and don't have a problem with their sexuality, generally don't have the kind of blatant prejudices that afflict so much of society, gay or straight. I once participated in a conversation on just this subject -- lesbians hating gay men -- and, as I'm sure you did, found it to be ridiculous. The "evidence" of this alleged prejudice was all anecdotal. One bartender told me a lesbian waitress was rude to him in a restaurant, so this, of course, means that lesbians all hate gay men. Could he even be sure she was a lesbian, and did her bad attitude have anything to do with his being gay? Probably not. I mean, once a lesbian bartender was kind of unpleasant to me, but she is vastly outnumbered by other gay women whose attitudes were perfectly nice and professional. I think the few gay men who feel this way are defensively covering up their own negative attitudes toward women.

Let me also make it clear that gay men all hating women and lesbians all hating men (gay or straight) is in this day and age indicative of ludicrous stereotyping. Are there some lesbians who may dislike some or all gay men, or men in general, and are there some gay men or men in general, who have issues with women, be they straight or gay? Yes. But generally these are based on one or more bad experiences, which don't really add up to any kind of scientific survey. The truth is, there are gay people who may simply be indifferent to the opposite sex, which is often misinterpreted as "hatred." On the other hand -- and this is very important --  many gay men and lesbians have formed warm and life-lasting friendships with one another.

During this debate with some acquaintances, one guy said that it was simply that his experiences were different from mine. This is true, of course, but a person shouldn't base his attitudes on his own experiences, however valuable, alone. A person should learn and know about other people's experiences as well before forming a judgment. Also, it is often how we interpret personal experience that makes the difference.

That being said, in my experience, lesbians do not in general hate gay men or vice versa. Dare I say it's only fucked up people who have such antediluvian attitudes.

Are Gay Men More Hated Than Lesbians?

It's my perception that gay men are more hated than lesbians, and are more likely to lie about their orientation? Is this true? H.

Interesting question, but it's hard to determine. Years ago a study (which both straight-identified men and women participated in) suggested that lesbians were more "admired" because they were seen as being "like men" while there was more contempt for gay men because they were supposedly "like women." But this was many years ago, and only one study, and hopefully women's rights has done away with this idea that men are superior to women (although this attitude persists in sexist and stupid individuals of both sexes).

Just because some straight guys find the idea of two women ("hot babes" only) making out or having sex with each other to be titillating, doesn't mean they are accepting of real lesbians or same-sex relationships between two women. There have been many cases of lesbians coming up against blatant discrimination, and I'm sure if you asked any of them if they there was less prejudice against lesbians than gay men they would, understandably, cry foul.

Is there a female equivalent of the "down low," where someone has a straight relationship but secretly has same-sex encounters on the side? Probably, but there hasn't been much research into it. Women may in general be more open about their bisexual habits than men.

Comedians often make stupid jokes about lesbians, although it does seem as if "fag" jokes -- as opposed to "dyke" jokes -- abound, but it has to be remembered that whether someone is putting down or making fun of a gay man or a lesbian, they are being homophobic in either case. Gay men are also being put down by "dyke" jokes because they are anti-gay -- and vice versa.

Somehow the notion of men having sex with each other (especially when it comes to sodomy) seems to disturb people more than the idea of two women together. But this doesn't mean that lesbianism is totally accepted in our society any more than male homosexuality.