Gay Man and Straight Friend

Hi Dr Bill,

I think I may have fallen in love with a straight male work colleague who I have been socialising with for the past couple of years.  We go out for beers and sometime ago started to also take cocaine, stupid I know so I stopped taking it, however, he continued.  Anyway, he has a long term girlfriend and doesn't think twice about cheating on her, I am there for him constantly and listen to all of his problems, he thinks he has mental health issues and often talks jokingly of suicide, not a joking matter I know.  We are both mid 30's by the way, so not kids.  I am openly gay and have a mixed social life outside of work.

When I see him my heart melts, when I see him with a woman I feel as if my heart is breaking.  If we are out and he does meet a woman, it's as if I am not there. However, the next day he will e-mail or text and say how low he feels.  If I am not with him he will often text and say how much he misses me, he recently said in a text that he loved me.  If I mention other men and dates he will not acknowledge the conversation, often making just a snide comment.   

I recently had an altercation with another friend we drink with, drink-fueled stupidity which resulted in me finishing my drink and going home, informing them that I wouldn't be socializing with them again.  Later that evening I received the 'Love you' text, followed by a string of abuse aimed at the other friend.  I have to point out that he will often slag off other friends, so I am guessing I would be no exception.

After the 'Love you' text I didn't contact him for a week, I wasn't invited for drinks and now I feel completely isolated and lost.  Although the person I had the altercation with speaks to me like nothing happened (no drink invitations though), the fella I think I have fallen for had not contacted me at all, he knows I hate the silent treatment.  I contacted him with a 'How are you' kind of text, his response included 'Need a break from constant health abuse', I interpreted this as a break from me, possibly my mind working overtime!

I feel completely broken, I thought we were good friends and had a connection, he is now on my mind constantly, hence me wondering if this is some kind of stupid infatuation.

I cannot help but wonder if I have been used as his emotional punch bag.  How do I get over this, why is it bothering me to this extent, I can't eat and am sleeping very badly.  Should it bother me so much that he may or may not have bad mouthed me to others? Should I say anything, I don't want any confrontation at work as it's a professional environment.  I feel totally gutted!

Thanks for listening

Cheers.

It is never easy to have strong feelings for someone while you're still trying to figure out if they're gay or straight or struggling with their own sexuality. People in this situation tend to clutch at anything they can to give them hope. Your friend's dismissal of your comments when you talk about your gay dating experiences could indicate that he has sexual identity issues, but it's just as likely that he's uncomfortable talking about your being gay in certain environments [I take it you're not going to gay bars with him]. It could also indicate that he is a little self-absorbed -- he only wants to talk about himself and his own problems.

Even if he hasn't figured out that you have such deep feelings for him, he probably senses that you care and he knows that you are willing to listen. The trouble is, as you get deeper and deeper in love with him, worrying about him, you are perfectly right in worrying that he is simply "using" you as an emotional crying towel. Once he finds someone else to listen -- someone he doesn't fear has feelings for him which he can't return -- he''ll just move on, which he may already have done. Of course, I am basing this on your suggestion that he seems to "whine" to you about many different things.  

Whatever the true story of his sexuality -- and you realize this man may be genuinely and totally hetero -- it is never easy to be in love with someone who can only offer you friendship, regardless of their orientation. You were heading towards a bad place anyway you slice it -- who wants to be in love or even just infatuated with someone who can't return it? You feel as badly as you do, isolated and lost, because of how much you want to be with this guy on both an emotional and physical level, but it just may not be possible. 

My advice, as difficult as it may be to take, is to think of what seems like a very negative event in your life as a positive. Chance are that you had no real future with this guy, that you were only risking getting very badly hurt, wasting your time pining for him when there are plenty of nice gay guys out there who would be much more suitable partners. I recognize that you are also mourning the loss of a friendship, but as I've said it's very sticky to be friends with someone you have unrequited feelings for.

[As a good friend of mine once put it in a novel: "When one wants friendship, and the other wants love, 'friendship' is the coldest word in the English language."]

Believe it or not you can get over this guy [of course it will be more difficult than usual because you work together]. The easiest way to get over an infatuation is to meet someone new, so get out there and have some adventures! You may find that you can once again be friends with this guy once you've gotten past the unrequited feelings you have for him. 

Think positively -- there's a better guy out there for you, and hopefully you'll have a lot of fun finding him!

Good luck!

"No Fats, No Femmes"

I was in a couple of gay bars the other night and saw a few guys flocking around these obese, effeminate men as if they were hot porn stars. Whatever happened to "no fats, no femmes" that you used to see -- have gay standards changed so much that a swishy guy who avoids the gym and takes absolutely no care of himself has suddenly become a sex symbol? I just don't get it.

You're not alone. But remember -- there's no accounting for taste except that everyone has his own "type." There have always been "chubby chasers" in the gay community and if there seem to be more of them than ever, it may be because the guys they like are feeling freer to go out and cruise now that there are places, such as bear bars, where they can feel comfortable and meet people who like them. Obese men used to avoid the typical gay bar or "meat market" because they feared no one would be interested, but the more accepting bear community -- where you can be older, fatter, balder, and not handsome and still find your share of admirers -- has changed the equation; you won't often find "big" guys cruising in "regular" gay bars.

The strange thing is that most "big and fat" guys tend to be admired because of their masculinity. Feminine chubby guys are even more of an acquired taste. There are men who don't focus on the total package, but simply have a fat fetish -- therefore it doesn't matter if the guy is masculine or not, or what he looks like as long as he has lots of excessive avoirdupois!

On one hand, it's good that all kinds of men who don't fit neatly into conventional standards of handsomeness can still have fun and feel attractive. On the other hand, as I've said before, there's a danger in making obese men, especially morbidly obese men, sex symbols. I'm well aware that the bear lifestyle has its good points, but perhaps in its gleeful disregard of taking care of yourself, it isn't doing a lot of gay guys much of a favor.

Anal Issues

I had anal sex with a very well endowed man. Ever since then I have had constant anal pain. It hurts to sit down, once I'm sitting and situated the pain subsides until I move or try to get up. My first BM had blood in the stool and I had have had a constant feeling if having to go #2. I notice that when I wipe there is spots of blood (still). When I went to bed Saturday night I woke up sore and achy with a headache. Also sometimes when I go to urinate I am forced to sit down because I have to BM which is excruciatingly painful. As a seasoned 'bottom' I have never had this before... Should I go to the doctor (I don't have insurance). I'm scared...

I would wait a couple of days and if the bleeding and pain continues you should see a doctor. Do you have hemorrhoids? Anal sex could make them bleed, creating pain, blood in the stool, and often a feeling that you got to do # 2. It may be nothing more serious than that -- they can be pretty painful --  but if it doesn't clear up you should have it checked out. If you think it is hemorrhoids, also known as piles, you can get a cream for it at the drug store. If you do decide to see a doctor, there are low-cost clinics you can go to. If you're in New York, a place called Callen Lorde Community center services the LGBT community, including uninsured, on a sliding scale and there may be similar places in your town if you're in another city. Or you can call a gay center and ask for referrals. Try not to be scared, it may be nothing, but DO check it out if it continues more than a week to ten days, especially if it gets worse or is really painful. 

Should add that the "worse case" scenario could be an anal fissure or tear, which can be caused by anal sex and other reasons. However, in most cases this self-heals within two weeks. Again, hemorrhoid cream can be helpful. So definitely see a doctor if this doesn't clear up in two weeks. Don't worry -- surgery is only required in the most extreme cases, which I doubt you have -- and there are simple ways of healing it without surgery. But in all likelihood it should clear up on its own. And I probably don't need to add -- no anal sex until it does! Bill   

Can a Boyfriend be Too Gay-Friendly?

It was very hard for me to write this, but i am going crazy and i need your opinion. First i have to start by telling you that i was raised in Mexico, in a very catholic, homophobic and conservative family. When i moved to the us i became an advocate for gay rights and gay marriage. i think it is a matter of being human regardless of your preferences; my best friend is gay and i do not consider myself  homophobic. I always dream of a man who would not be a patriarchal macho [type] and i found him. He is American. He comes from a super liberal family -his grandparents and parents are pro-abortion, pro-gay marriage etc- Although, i think i am very open minded this is still a shock to me; I could never dream of my grandparents being pro gay marriage. 


Long story short, my boyfriend is very liberal. He moved to another city and he has a gay roommate. I went to visit him not that long ago and his roommate mentioned that he'd like to date my boyfriend and he wants to marry him. When we walked around the city my boyfriend would point out at every gay-friendly place.  A long time ago, i told him that one of my girlfriends hooked up with a girl when she had a boyfriend, I remember  he told me that cheating is not cheating if is with the same sex, i told him that i disagree. For me cheating is cheating period. (it's about the violation of the trust) One time he visited me and we were mentioning that one of my housemates was gay, he said "there is nothing wrong with being bi curious;" i was too shocked and did not say anything.

I know two of his best friends are gay. One time at a party he was so drunk and him and his friend starting joking about my boyfriend eating this other guy's "c*m." i told him this bugged me and he just said that it was the way he got along with him. He is too comfortable being around gay men. I know this sounds horrible on my part. I intellectually understand, but emotionally i am dying. We have been dating for more than a year and he asked me to move in. I love him. I talked to my best friend about this and he as a gay man told me that my boyfriend -due to his family history- was in the perfect environment to come out since his  family is so supportive, loving, caring and open minded. His parent's best friends are a gay couple.  His parents and him  together watch shows like Will and Grace.

Now, he is not the macho type i am used to dating; he is sweet caring and loving, but this situation makes me so uncomfortable, i know he's gone to gay bars with his friends and his roommate often refers to him as his date. It makes me so jealous. Please help me, should i confront this? I love him so much i want him to be happy and he knows it.

best

anonymous.


Well, first of all, since you're so uncomfortable with this situation you have to eventually confront your boyfriend over what's going on in your mind. It's obvious that you're afraid he's attracted to men, and frankly, it sounds like he probably is.


Now understand that neither I nor anyone else can be certain of your boyfriend's sexuality without knowing him [and not even then] but I confess that one thing certainly jumped out at me, and that was this business that it really isn't cheating if your bed mate is of the same sex. This sounds as if your boyfriend could be setting you up for a situation in which you may be his main girlfriend [or even "beard'] while he has sex with guys on the side. 


So let's say that your boyfriend is at the very least bisexual [and keep in mind that the label "bisexual" is often a cop-out and inaccurate]. Being bisexual does not mean that a person has to have sex with both men and women, so even if he's bi and his preference is women [a big if] it is still cheating if he has sex with men. And why would you want a boyfriend who cheats on you with either sex?


There are other things to consider, however. Since you admit that most of your previous boyfriends were of the macho meat-head persuasion, you may find it hard to believe that a man can be sensitive, gentle, respectful of women etc. and be genuinely heterosexual, but such guys do exist. [Just as there are, sadly, macho meat-heads in the gay male community.] The fact that, unlike you, he grew up up in a liberal household may explain why he is comfortable with gay men.


So he could be a secure, open-minded straight guy who has no problem being friends with gay guys [good for him!] -- hence the joking around with his roommate that you find a little crass and disturbing -- or he could be a man who's wrestling with his sexuality or is keeping the full truth from you. One strange thing I've observed over the years is that people can be very open-minded on the subject of homosexuality when it comes to other people, but just the opposite when it comes to themselves or members of their family. [Which is why some parents who support gay rights nevertheless send junior to a psychiatrist if he tells them he likes guys and some gay-friendly guys have such trouble coming out themselves]. Also, men who consider themselves bi tend to tell gay men they like women but generally don't tell their wives and girlfriends that they like men. And while it's true that there's nothing necessarily wrong in being "bi-curious," there's a difference in being curious and having actual same-sex bed partners. 


So, you'll just have to sit your boyfriend down, explain what's bugging you, and ask him to be completely honest with you about his sexuality. If it turns out he's attracted to men, it doesn't make you homophobic if you're uncomfortable with that [especially if he thinks his having sex with men wouldn't be cheating!!!] and want to move on.

Lastly, if it turns out he is bi or gay, I must say I respect and admire any woman who can love a man enough to let him be happy with someone else.

Watch Out for "Ricochet Ronnie"

I met this very nice guy who had just ended a relationship of several years. I found him very attractive and he seemed to feel the same. He constantly sent me emails and text messages, telling me how much he liked me, how he couldn't wait to get together, how terrific I was, and I followed suit, although I may have been a little more reticent as we had just met and I didn't want to appear too anxious; he was also a bit younger than me. The last time we saw each other everything went great, he texted again that he wanted to do all sorts of things in the future -- and I never heard from him again. I know he's alive but he doesn't respond to emails or anything else. I still can't figure out what happened. Can you give me any insight as to why guys just disappear without a word? He talked all the time about how awful the ex-lover was so I don't think he went back to him. Thank you. 


My guess is that you had the misfortune of running into a Ricochet or Rebound Ronnie as I and many other fellows have. Those are guys who have been in long-term relationships that have ended for one reason or another. They used to do everything with the lover, but now the lover is gone and they find themselves alone. Often these guys cling to someone who is amiable, willing to listen to them sound off about the ex [and it sounds as if you were], and enjoys spending time with them, doing things they can no longer do with the lover. The trouble is, these guys often just need time to acclimate themselves to being single again, being out in the dating pool -- in a sense you were holding his hand until he felt able to go out cruising and circulating on his own. It's not that he didn't like you, but that the relationship he ended was so awful that he just isn't ready for another one yet. The hard part is that during that initial phase the "clinginess" manifests itself as many calls and texts and so on as he anxiously makes it clear that he wants to spend time with you -- until he panics because you're getting too close. In other words, these guys lead you on [innocently, in most cases] and then drop you when they no longer need you. Possibly he met somebody he likes better; possibly he just wants to play the field. Some guys just don't know how to break up with somebody; in not wanting to hurt you, he hurts you even more.

However, there is really no excuse for someone not giving you a little closure. His abruptly ending things without even attempting an explanation [I mean, how difficult is it to send a fucking e-mail if you're embarrassed to do it face to face?] or returning your concerned and confused messages tells you -- as does all those texts -- that he isn't very mature, responsible, or even -- when all is said and done -- kind. I mean, we're talking about a man you knew and dated, not a disembodied photo on a dating sight. In other words, you dodged a bullet, so get on with your life, forget him, and meet somebody -- hopefully someone not on the rebound -- who will treat you with a little more class.

Boyfriend and Erotic Video Games

My boyfriend and I enjoy playing video games together. One game we play is World of Warcraft. He has several female toons on his account and explains that they are more visually appealing than the male ones. I have no problem with this. Recently I logged on to the game and saw him on one of his female toons erping (erotic role playing) with another male player. I have also discovered that he has gotten a few emails from male players, all of whom believe he is female. Some have sexual content and pictures attached, but not sexually explicit pictures. I asked my boyfriend in a non threatening way if he was bi. His answer was "I don't believe so". In the past, before this discovery, he has said he doesn't understand why men erotic role play as females with other men. Is it possible he is bi? Our own relationship is very sexually satisfying for both of us so I'm surprised about this latest discovery.

Your boyfriend is playing games in virtual reality -- not, as far as you know, having sex with men in the real world -- so you may be jumping to conclusions about his sexuality. As I've said before, red flags are finding gay porn or some type of gay literature in his apartment -- either magazines or on his computer -- finding out he's signed up with gay dating sites, sexy emails from guys that he's clearly met in the flesh or would like to, or his paying more attention to a good-looking waiter or bartender than he does to you. Yes, his role-playing as a female character could be a way to attract guys, only the trouble is they're straight guys, so obviously nothing much could come of it. Also most gay men don't want to masquerade as women -- they take pride in their masculinity. 

However, his answer of "I don't believe so" when you asked him if he was bi is a little strange. Not to make too much of what may be nothing, but it's not exactly a definitive "No." You may have to approach the subject again, keeping in mind that for most men who call themselves bi, "bisexual" is just a convenient label and a cop-out.

Porn Stars

Hi Dr Bill.I am a Asian person from Taiwan. I read your blog article "gay for pay." I want to ask u why are u so sure that all of gay porn stars are not straight?

Do u know someone who works in the gay porn company that they are really gay?

Well, I thought I explained it pretty well in that post you mention, but it never hurts to explore an interesting subject again. 

I do know people in the porn industry, but even if I didn't let's just say you can't tell me that a guy can spend many of his days sucking and fucking or being fucked by another guy and isn't just a little bit -- or a lot -- gay.  Many of the men who do gay porn do indeed lead "straight" lives in that they may have wives, girlfriends and children, but they would certainly have to be classified as bisexual at the very least. 

The whole idea of "rough trade" -- men who have sex with men but supposedly are heterosexual -- is a dated, pre-Stonewall [pre modern day Gay Liberation] concept. Some have argued that straight guys can have sex with men just as gay men have sex with women and simply put on a show, but that is ignoring the fact that even in this day and age there is a stigma attached to being gay, especially for "macho" males who are ashamed of their gay feelings. [Also the notion that there are straight men who want to have sex with men, popularized by an idiot gay therapist, is completely ludicrous!]

So ask yourself, why on earth would a 100% heterosexual male want to engage in actual sex acts with another man no matter how much he's paid? Surely there are easier and more fun ways of making a living. I also doubt the assertion that gay porn pays better than straight porn. Why should it? There's a lot more straight porn [and straight buyers] than gay porn, so financially it just doesn't add up. 

So the fact that some porn stars in gay-oriented films are married with children doesn't make them straight anymore than the married guy cruising the gay bar or the Internet for men to have sex with.

Gay Ex-Husband?

I  married a man, and after the marriage it seemed like he was gay and eventually we divorced.

We dated off and on for four years and then we married.  Before I married him a woman from his alcoholics anonymous meeting kept warning that men like him will marry me and then stop having sex with me, but before the marriage I never understood what she was getting at because our sex life before we married was good.   As soon as we married he lost interest in me sexually.  He soon wanted me thinner, blonder, and tanner. But the tanner, the thinner I got and longer haired and blonder I got he was still not attracted to me.

 After a few years of this I went back to being brunette and stayed healthy but stopped trying to keep up with his constantly changing critiques. I was attractive before our marriage and kept myself attractive throughout the marriage. In the first year, we bought a house and he told me, after we moved into the house,  that now he got his house and he told me he did not need me anymore. I was in shock but my mother told me to hang in there.

 That whole time he was not interested in sex.  He seemed to not be able to have an erection. Sex became very rare and he was angry afterwards,  but he wanted blow jobs.  Then the last two years of the marriage there was no sex.  He complained constantly of being unhappy and was always trying to start a fight.  He was always busy with work or friends. If he was at home he went to bed around six and fell asleep.

 After five years of marriage we divorced.   I never confronted him with being gay because I knew that I would not get a straight answer, and his personality was unpredictable.  But he was always restless and miserable and uninterested in sex. But I would catch him masturbating upon occasion.  I have lived with  other men and even when they were unhappy they wanted sex.

My questions are:  Do gay men pretend to be straight and then seem to not be able to follow through with the marriage and straight sex for the long haul?
 
What are the signs that a husband is actually gay?  If this guy was not gay, what else could it have been? (maybe he just wanted out of the marriage)

Frankly, there are so many reasons why a marriage and a sex life can go south that we can't necessarily pin your marriage's problems on your husband's sexual orientation. Also, "mixed" marriages -- where one partner is straight and the other gay [generally closeted] can play out in different ways. Some closeted husbands eschew sex with the wife for one reason or another [often blaming the wife's appearance or some other reason] while others continue to have sex and children with their spouse. Some closeted husbands seek out men to have sex with on the side while others, repressed and ashamed and in denial, try to suppress those urges. Being essentially gay doesn't mean a man can't have sex with women [some have zero interest and couldn't perform while others can father numerous children] but that he prefers being with men and should have a male lifetime partner.

Sadly, even in this supposedly more enlightened day and age there are homosexual men [I won't call them "gay" because they don't identify that way and are not exactly what we'd call Out and Proud] who use women as beards, to parade around as proof of their heterosexuality. They often fuss over the wife or girlfriend's appearance, wanting her to be as "hot" as possible so that he can seem more "studly."

Some married closeted homosexual men remain with their wives for decades, coming to see them as beloved companions if not objects of romantic passion. Others eventually rebel against living in a closet, taking their anger out on their wives.

So, based on what you say your ex-husband might very well have been dealing with issues of his sexuality. Only he, of course, knows for certain, although he may not be able to admit it to himself.

For red flags, please read my post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay. 

Foot Fetish

Dear Dr. Bill,

I'm a 32 year old gay guy and have been with my partner for 3 years now.  We have a healthy sex life, are honest with each other and are very much in love.  Something I have kept from my boyfriend though is that I have a really strong fetish for men's feet. If I even so much as glance at a guy's feet in a pair of flip-flops I get hard.  Also, the soles of my feet are very erogenous and a guy only has to touch them to get me hard.

I have been aroused by men's feet ever since I was a teenager and have acted on my fetish with other men (i.e. sniffing, licking, sucking) but not with my current boyfriend. 

I want to incorporate some foot play into our sex life but I'm not sure how he'll take it or if he will think it's weird.  I fantasize a lot about men's feet and I am a little worried that I might get the urge to stray and go with another guy behind his back just to get some foot action but I would feel so bad about it as I love him so much.  I could never be with another guy and I want to spend the rest of my life with him so I want to stay faithful.

Do you think I should come out and tell him about my fetish?  Or do you have any ideas how I can incorporate some foot play into our sex life without freaking him out?  I would really like it if he could show some interest in my feet too so if you have any ideas how I can get him interested then please let me know.

I really hope you can help and would be extremely grateful for any advice.

Kind regards,

The good news is that foot fetishes are extremely common and unless your boyfriend is a super-conservative prig I can't imagine he would be that freaked out by it. I would suggest nuzzling or sucking his toes during foreplay and seeing what his reaction is -- he may enjoy it! Even if it's not a turn-on for him if you explain how much you love it he may be perfectly willing to incorporate it into your bedroom routine, especially if you're willing to do things that he enjoys but which you may not care less about. There's nothing abnormal about a foot fetish. So stay on your toes, play with those big feet of his, and see what happens! I mean, as fetishes go, a foot fetish is no big deal.

Confused Over Boyfriend

Hi Bill,
I've have been with my boyfriend for 5 months now and I have suspicions about him being gay. One time we were sitting in his living room watching a movie and out of no where he told me that he's been involved with another man before. I thought he was joking at first, but is expression was so serious. Then I asked him if he was for real or if he was serious, because I won't judge him...But he started watching the movie again and told me he was joking. Another time we were talking about our high school experiences and he told me how he was really popular and on the track team, but he didn't lose his virginity until he was 16. There is nothing wrong with that, but he told me that he didn't like the idea of bodily fluids mixing and he found it disgusting. It makes me wonder why a popular guy like him viewed sex in this way. It seems like he could have been trying to figure out his sexuality. Finally, one day we were at the barber shop and he was waiting to get his hair cut. He asked me if I thought his barber was cute and I told him no. While I asked him why he asked me that, he was checking the barber out and smiling. Maybe he could have been joking, but it really confused me. 

Then again, maybe he was afraid you were attracted to the barber. Frankly, there's really nothing in what you say to positively indicate that the guy might be gay except for one thing, which I'll get to in a moment. Gay men don't find bodily fluids "disgusting" anymore than straight men do so any queasiness he may feel about that may have nothing to do with sexual orientation, even if he was strictly speaking about male and female fluids. I don't know what movie you were watching, but he may have been joking about a former homosexual experience or greatly exaggerating something -- still, this could be a red flag. When people are getting ready to come out, they often "test the waters" by suddenly making statements about their sexual orientation to see what reaction they get, and then quickly taking it back and saying it was all a joke. That may be what he is doing here. If he starts ogling other men besides the barber, that's also a clue. He may be sending out signals or he may be joking around. I do think it would be a good idea to come right out and ask him in a non-judgmental way if he is attracted to men. Once that's out in the open at least you'll have some idea of what's up with him. If he's gay or sees himself as being bisexual but his preference is men, then you would both be better off with different boyfriends.