Straight Gals with Gay Boyfriends

I have a friend who openly admitted that she knows her boyfriend is gay. They have been together 4 years on and off and he keeps on finding a way back into her life whenever they break up. Well this guy has been caught trying to hook up with an online guy pal. He admitted to being at least bi, then a year later he said that he wasn't like that anymore. He says he is straight now. He's obviously gay, not to mention his very feminine attitude and taste in fashion. So why is she with him, why does he want her to be his gf so badly? Did I mention they never had sex and the one time they tried (in 4 years) he couldn't perform? He takes money from her, never goes on one on one dates and is an over all bad "boyfriend." -- P.

The answer for both of these sad individuals is: desperation.

He's a self-hating homosexual man who can't accept himself and needs a girlfriend to "prove" to people that he's straight. He probably also has trouble holding down a job.

She's a woman of very low self-esteem who wants a boyfriend -- even if he's gay and even if she has to pay to keep him around. [Sometimes women like this are repressed or closeted lesbians and therefore don't care if their boyfriend has sex with them or not.] The fact that she seems to support him is very telling. Some gay men will be all too happy to live/sleep with a woman -- especially if the sexual demands are not too great -- if the woman is paying all the bills. These men, of course, are not Out and Proud, well-adjusted gay guys. In fact, both of these people have serious self-esteem issues.

While effeminacy and a good fashion sense [especially the latter] aren't always signs of homosexuality in men, this guy has admitted to an attraction to men in the past. A person can't change his orientation, so when he says he "isn't like that anymore" he simply means he is repressing his natural instincts. Men like this are often called "ex-gays:" they're still homosexual, of course, but they try to interact strictly with women, live a "straight" life -- generally with disastrous results.

If these two people want to be loving friends, that's one thing, but their relationship right now is simply one of denial. Both of them could benefit from counseling and therapy so that they can feel better about themselves. If the woman in this situation really loves this man, she'll do her best to help him come out of the closet and find a healthy self-acceptance.

And she needs to realize that buying a man's affection never works, and that no woman can change a gay man into a straight one. Hopefully both of these individuals will come to their senses and try to find more realistic and positive relationships in the future.

Gay Teens Go Straight?

Is it possible for a person to have homosexual experiences in youth, say as a teenager in high school or in college, yet grow up to be entirely straight? Anon.

No. Playing "doctor" during the prepubescent period is one thing, but actual gay sexual experiences after puberty-- in high school and in college (!) yet -- is something else. A young person who is gay may decide to live a straight or closeted life due to shame -- internalized homophobia -- or religious, societal or parental pressure -- but gay feelings simply don't just disappear. Bisexual advocates will suggest that a person who is more gay-active in youth may become more straight-active as he or she gets older (again, this could be due to internalized homophobia even if the person is legitimately bi) but they will still have a same-sex attraction. Despite the homophobic propaganda put out by ex-gay groups such as Exodus, a person who enjoys homosexual relationships at any age will never be 100% hetero.

But it's okay to be gay!