Gay/Bi Hubby

I think my husband may be bisexual or gay. We have been married for three years. The sex is okay, but frequently he seems distant or disinterested. I am suspicious because I frequently see him looking at other men in a certain way, and he is always very affectionate with them. On the other hand, he is virulently homophobic, so much so that it's like he's covering up. There is nothing stereotypically gay about him, but I know that doesn't mean anything. He always has good excuses for his occasional absences. We have other problems in our marriage, but if he is basically gay, I think it would be best for me to know it, and for us to go our separate ways. I hope you can help. Anon.

It sounds to me as if you have a general dissatisfaction with your marriage, regardless of your husband's sexual orientation. I do have to agree with you that if he is essentially homosexual, it's better if the two of you accept that you might be better off as friends instead of husband and wife.

Being affectionate with other men is not always problematic, but the fact that he is so homophobic (especially in combination) is definitely troubling. That often is a sign that a man is covering up issues with his sexuality. In some cases it's not that a man has homosexual feelings -- although that is often the case -- but that he's terrified that people will perceive him as gay. Men who are constantly putting down gay men often do so out of their own insecurity [over a variety of issues], some real or imagined sexual inadequacy, or a basic inferiority complex that is the root of most prejudice.

Then again, they could be deeply troubled by homosexual feelings and use their homophobic outbursts to, as you put it, cover up.

But there is also the possibility that your husband's preoccupation or disinterest, as you term it, is caused by something entirely different. His homophobia could simply be a narrow-minded attitude fueled by some feeling of inadequacy, as previously noted.

I would suggest that you sit him down and ask him about his homophobia. Don't accuse him of anything -- simply ask him why he has such a problem with gays. Gently lead into a discussion of some of the things I've mentioned. [Please take care if you think or know that he can be physically violent!] If he seems confused by his sexuality, you can suggest he get counseling. Another possibility would be for the two of you to see a marriage counselor as a couple.

In the long run, even if he isn't gay, your marriage may need the help of a professional counselor or therapist.

Good Luck!

NOTE: Here is another post about a woman who thought her husband might be gay. And there are other posts on this blog about mixed gay/straight marriages. Type "mixed marriage" in the search bar at the uppermost left hand corner of the blog and a whole list will come up.

Scar on the Abdomen

I was wondering if you know anything about a scar on the abdomen in the gay guys. My good friend has one and he gets very upset when asked about it, I also noticed similar scar on another gay man's abdomen. FYI my friend is from former soviet union, could that be something with mafia or some gay abuse? Anon,

I confess this is a new one on me. When most people have scars on their abdomen or elsewhere it is generally due to surgery. It's just as likely that your friend from the soviet union may have had an appendectomy (surgical removal of an infected appendix) and he may be embarrassed by the scar, therefore he closes down when you ask him about it. I have never heard of any particular gay abuse in the Soviet Union or elsewhere that has to do with abdominal scars, although in certain nations where homosexuality is considered a crime and immoral, there have been, tragically, cases of gays being tortured and murdered in very painful and horrible circumstances. Therefore scars from injuries are certainly within the realm of possibility. Whatever the case with your friend, he is obviously not prepared as of yet to talk about it, so cut him some slack. When he's ready to confide -- and if he feels a need to confide in you -- he will do so. Thanks for an interesting question.